Sunday, May 25, 2008

Mommy (as originally posted on my myspace)

Mommy. Isn't it amazing how 1 word can illicit so many emotions? When you are having a great day it makes you smile. When mixed with tears or screamed in pain it can bring fear. When said with a laugh or a giggle, it can be the most sweetest sound ever. When spoken in the middle of the night it makes you sit straight up in bed. When said angrily it can break your heart. When spoken from a toddler with messy hands and face it brings laughter. When said over and over and over on a crazy bad day it can make you crazy. When barely whispered as your baby drifts to sleep it brings tenderness and soothing. When heard for the 10k time that day it can make you want to change your name. It always brings feelings of and meaning to unconditional, never ending, sweet, true love!!!
A, K, B and J -
I love you forever and thank God daily for you!!!!

Miracles (as originally posted on my myspace)

I believe in miracles. There is simply no way to deny they exist when I look at my children. After Andrew we wondered if we were meant to have children. We were blessed to have Adam and then Katie. Then to defy the odds we had you guys. After having such a problem getting pregnant with Katie, you two were simply not to happen. There were no fertility pills, no counting and calendering. I was still breastfeeding and on the pill for goodness sakes. You 2 were quite honestly, simply, purely an act of love (and a couple drinks if memory serves correctly:-).
I remember the shock of finding out I was pregnant with you and then discovering you were twins! The disbelief, uncertainty, and overwhelming what are we going to do that followed. The 8 months that I was pregnant were just miraculous. I LOVE being pregnant but you 2 pushed my body through hells I didn't know could exist with pregnancy. I was prepared for the diabetes and cerclage, I was not surprised by the bed rest, only that I went so long before it happened. I was prepared for a couple false trips to the hospital, but there were many more things that you constantly surprised me with. Always amazing was to look at my LARGE stomach and know there were 2 living beings in there. WOW!!! The relief anf scaredness that set in when my water broke with Rebecca wanting out!
The jitters and sheer excitement driving to the hospital. Any scaredness felt was for how to bring 2 home to 2 more. Never did I imagine the terror and sadness that would ensue after your births. Rebecca, my little darling with black hair and a dainty face you were smaller but healthier and simply guilty by association for a while after birth. Jason, my blond haired, smiling from the beginning, sweet boy, there was no way to know within seconds after your birth that we would come so close to losing you the next couple days. Definitely, your NICU stay taught us so much about ourselves, each other, friends and family, and of course, the hospital and workings of the angel nurses.
Jason while your stay in the NICU was hard: the trips up there 2-3 times a day, leaving you behind, watching and knowing there was nothing we could do but pray and trust the dr and nurses would take care of you, it was all worth it. Brining you home was one of the best days of my life. I had all of you together. We welcomed and embraced the chaos, the nightly feedings of 2, the daily demands of 4, the exhaustion, the love, the short tempers from sleep deprivation was worth every moment and I would do it again in a heartbeat. While there are memories that are clouded with time, there is no denying the elation that comes from knowing you are both healthy, here and ours.
As I sit here on your 1st birthday and watch you play, crawl, learn to walk, giggle and interact. I am shown again how blessed I am to have you. Often when I watch you (as this is one of my favorite hobbies) I am amazed to the point of tears. I truly feel so lucky to have you that I often question what I did to deserve you 2. It is a different life parenting twins then it is a single child. I love to watch all 4 of you intereact but to watch just the 2 of you in action is AWESOME!!!!! The bond you 2 have is totally cool. While I am slightly jealous since I didnot even have siblings at your age, I realize that it is better from my vantage point of being the parents because I can appreciate how neat your bond is and you guys have/will just accept it as your life. Quite simply I can describe how I feel in 3 words - I LOVE YOU - While that seems so elementary, it is as old as time, I LOVE YOU. I know every mother feels that way about her child(ren) but I often wonder if every mother feels as truly blessed as I do. Does heartache make you more aware of the fragility and specialness of your childs life? I don't know I just know that at least once a day I am reduced to tears because my love for my children is so overwhelming. I know there will be diappointments, I know you will disobey and drive me nuts but I know above everything else, I LOVE YOU and there will never be a time when I am not thankful for my little miracles.
Happy Birthday my sweet, precious, wonderful babies. ~Mommy~

8/25/07 (as originally posted on my myspace)

I can't believe it has been 7 years. In some ways it seems just like yesterday and other ways it seems like a lifetime ago. We haven't talked about it today, Jim and I, or really anyone for that matter. My mom asked if it has really been 7 years (just the acknowledgement was nice - thanks mom). Truth be told I am not sure who all remembers but me and Jim and a small handful of people (and my mom of course). Actually to be real honest it probably isn't a matter of remembering or not as much as people don't know what to say. Happy Anniversary isn't really appropriate and I think people are afraid to say too much, they don't want to make me sad or cry. This has been I think the 1st year that I haven't cried (although there is 20 minutes left of today :-) or been depressed, I guess it has something to do with chasing after 4 kids. I would say that he has been on my mind more today, but honestly it has been in a good way. This may sound weird but I am thankful for him, without him, I wouldn't have my other 4. There is no way you can "trade" one child for another but I know that he helped make sure the other 4 got here safe and he continues to watch over them. I really didn't ever think that I could ever be so peaceful and calm about his death, but I am.
Andrew, Even though you are not physically here with me, you are always just a thought away!! I thank you and God daily for your brothers and sister, please continue to be their guardian angel. I love you always. Mommy!!!!