Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sweet Andrew

When I sit down to write the kids birthday letters every year, I usually begin to think of what I want to say days in advance. I reflect on each child individually, the growth they have made, the challenges they have faced, the changes that have occurred.

Yet, with you, there is no forethought. The words, flow out of me, often as do the tears. Tonight is no different.

11 years ago, I was blissfully pregnant; you tucked safely inside the security of my body. I was still  enjoying every moment of my regular clothes no longer fitting. Reveling in the joy of feeling you flutter. Peace within the excitement that someday I would see your face and hold your little body.

I had no idea that in 12 short days, I would have the joy and heartbreak of holding my firstborn, of kissing your skin, counting your fingers, feeling them wrapped around my hand. I had no way of knowing, the dreams I had, the plans we were making, would be cut so short. No way to prepare for the heartbreak, sadness and un-regrettable arrival you would bring to my life.

Two friends on facebook, both pregnant, with the automatic tickers that show up announcing how far along they are, the growth that is occurring to the babies they both hold safe. In the last couple days, both of them have hit the 22 week mark. I read of them putting together the cribs, the baby items, planning the baby showers. Their excitement is palpable; as it should be.

Tonight, it brings me to tears. It takes me back instantly to my own excitement and preparations for you; Planning of your baby shower, your daddy eagerly painting your nursery night after night, me constantly rubbing my belly the way pregnant mommies do, the journal writing I did to you, the talking.

And then, just as quickly, the fear that something was wrong, the motherly instinct already fully in tact, the hope that we would defy the odds, the statistics. Ever knowing as all medical advances were made to hold you inside me until you could survive safely outside the security of my belly, that they would be futile attempts. Aware, even as I laid in bed and prayed, begged, pleaded and bargained with God to let me have you just a little longer, that I would really only have you very little longer. Every flutter kick you gave, I savored, knowing by the time my head could comprehend the breaking of my heart, I would feel your kicks no more.

11 years later and I am not sure my head has ever been able to comprehend the pain my heart feels. Yet, my soul knows only peace.

I long to say that I hope these mommies see weeks 23, 33 of their pregnancies....yet does that make it seems as though I wished I hadn't had you? For even with the heartbreak, I never regret you. How could I?

So perfect, all 1.1 pounds of you. absolute perfection. one look at your perfectly formed body and I knew then, even through the heartbreak, that there was/is a God. There is no way, man on our own, is capable of making something so wonderfully delicate, perfectly beautiful and amazingly strong. Oh how my broken heart longs some days to be able to see you again, to hold you one more time, to kiss your soft skin, to hold your hands, to feel your heartbeat, to wipe away my tears at the pure innocence and beauty of you.

I could never regret the gift of your life God chose to give me. Three hours may have been all the time I was given to enjoy you in my arms, but my heart, occasionally broken and hurt that I can not hold you now, knows the love of a mother last forever.

Your life, taught me things about myself that I may have otherwise never learned. Your life, gave me your brothers and sisters. Your life, gave me strength, courage, acceptance, love and understanding.

Three short hours in my arms, a lifetime in my heart.

Yes, I hope each of those mommies celebrate 23 and 33 weeks of pregnancy. I pray each of those mommies celebrate the birth of their babies, their first birthday, the first day of kindergarten, their high school prom and everything else their unborn lives have to offer. Yes, those mommies will have their hearts broke by those babies, yes they will drive their mommies crazy, yes they will teach their mommies so much throughout their lives.

Yet, when you become a mommy, it does not matter where your child lives, heaven or earth, how long they are with you, 3hours or 83 years, or how many physical kisses they can give, a couple hundred or a million millions....when you become a mommy, all that matters is you know a love so profound, so true, so real, so deep, so without understanding, that you never regret it!

Baby Andrew, there may be tears, my life with you may not have turned out at all how I planned or thought, my heart may break again sometimes at missing you, I may long for moments I will never have with you.......but my love for you will last forever.

I love you my beautiful perfect sweet baby.....until I can hold you and kiss you again on your side of Heaven.....

hugs, kisses, and love forever.......

happy 11th birthday beautiful boy....I hope Jesus throws you a big party and gives you an extra hug from mommy.