funchaosx4

a picture worth a thousand words

2011-12-18T10:57:00.001-05:00

I intended to leave my thoughts simply with a few words as my facebook status "It is so very easy to judge, to say what you would or wouldn't do; I'm sure some decisions may surprise other people, but until you find yourself in the exact same position, you truly have no idea!"

Sorry, I just can't seem to let it stop there.

The famous Duggar family, suffered a 2nd trimester miscarriage last week. The world is outraged and looking at everything this couple does as a publicity stunt. (you can read the story here)

While I do not advocate for anyone having 20 children, it is not my place to judge a family that loves and provides, without the assistance of government help, for their family.

Your personal feelings aside on what this woman may be doing to her body, the footprint they are leaving on our environment, etc, etc. You can not deny the pain this family is experiencing in the loss of their last child!

I. WEEP. FOR. AND. WITH. THEM.

and yes, as crazy as this may sound to you, I AM JEALOUS OF THEM.

They are the parents of a precious angel. A perfect child that shall forever watch over them and love them from heaven, resting safely in the arms of our Lord.

So am I!

This isn't a blessing, (and yes it is a blessing) that I would wish to any parent.

My circumstances in having my baby in heaven is slightly different than the Duggars, but no less special.

So, why you ask am I jealous?

Because they have pictures!!!!

Yes, many people the world over are outraged and disgusted by the audacity and seemingly senselessness of Michelle Duggar and family to hand out pictures of their stillborn preterm child.

I have never seen a more tasteful, beautiful picture in all my life!

I completely commend this family and the photographers from nowilaymedowntosleep.org for the beauty they have shown in this sweet pictures.

I am jealous that the Duggars have a visual reminder, beautiful enough to display to the world of their angel in heaven. I am jealous that in the face of tragedy, they had time to think and prepare for a precious way to remember their angel.

You see when "tragedy" strikes, we are often left with no time to prepare. I am incredibly blessed to have had 3 hours with my precious sweet baby Andrew before he passed away, but I have blogged before, that my ONLY regret surrounding his life and death here on earth, is that I have no pictures fit for displaying. Yes, I have a picture, but it is not one I can show the world. Through a mother's eyes, I can look at his picture, a baby with such little, perfect features, and smile at how the sheer beauty and perfection God alone can create. However, most people can not look at his picture through my eyes. Yes, he was perfect, every finger and toe perfectly formed...a cute button noise, a head of black hair, a tiny, wrinkly little tummy...beautiful, long arms and legs. Perfection in its truest form! Yet, knowing this picture was taken, after he went home to be with Jesus, makes it impossible for most people to look at. I have yet to show my children here on earth, although they know and talk about their brother in heaven frequently, because well, they are simply not mature and understanding enough to appreciate and value the beauty of his picture.

Had I the time to prepare, as the Duggars did, I would have made certain to take pictures of my precious angel. Pictures of him wrapped up, snuggled in my arms, pictures of his daddy kissing his forehead, pictures of his grandparents looking at him in wonderful amazement, pictures of the priest baptizing him, pictures of mommy's tears falling on his gentle cheeks.

Yes, I would have taken pictures, yes, I would still to this day have them displayed proudly in my home. Yes, pictures to show my children of their brother.

I fully support the tastefulness, love and heartbreak in which the Duggars chose to have pictures taken to show their angel to the world, to hang on the wall of their home, to have the visual reminder, when time fads the memory, of the beauty and love they have known through their precious child, Jubilee.

May the Duggars continue to find peace in the knowledge that their sweet girl is with her heavenly father!

HUGS!

Happy birthday little man

2011-09-11T00:45:00.000-04:00

At 10, can I still refer to you as little man? I suppose, to me, you will always be a little man, or at least for the next few years!

10.....wow! How did this happen exactly. Double digits. I guess, officially at least, I can no longer say that I am the mother of 4 young children. Being in the double digits makes you older, more than halfway to legal adulthood.

10 years has gone by in the blink of an eye.

It seems just yesterday, I was on my way to the doctors office, praying that this would be the day that you entered into this world. Not 5 minutes into my drive, the radio begins to announce that our country is under attack, in a way that you will learn in history books, but never fully understand unless, God-forbid, tragedy like this strikes again in your lifetime. All at once, my prayers immediately change and I not only begin to pray for the families and lives affected by the horrific events occurring, but I also begin to pray, that you rest in the safety of my belly for just a little while longer. Remaining pregnant with you really was no sacrifice, I love every minute of being pregnant, and truthfully, I wanted and needed your day of birth to be a joyous occasion.

Exactly two weeks to the day later, you decide, Albert with quite a bit of coaxing and then forceful withdraw, to make your entry into this world. The video of your birth, both funny and amazing. I still cry to this day every time I watch it.

You never left my sight after you were born. You were such a precious little guy, well, not exactly little at 8lbs 1oz, but little still as only a newborn can be.

You were an absolutely perfect baby. You only cried when hungry. You were content to sleep, a lot. You were so laid back and easy going. You smiled often. You ate like crazy (still do), there was (is) nothing you don't like.

I have had the blessing of being your mother for 10 years now, and honestly sweet heart, there is nothing I would change. Sure, there have been times you have driven me crazy, all kids do, but every moment I have been blessed to parent you has been wonderful.

You are changing so much these days, growing so quickly, physically...mentally...emotionally.
Truthfully, as much as I love the young man you are becoming, I long to stop time. The changes in you coming so fast as of late, the mommy in me is having a hard time adjusting.

I thought when I let you go with your grandparents, for 5 weeks alone this summer without me, that I was giving you independence, letting you spread your wings (while under the watchful eye of those that raised me), giving you a break from being the big brother. I thought I was letting you do all these things for just 5 weeks and then I would have back my little boy.

The truth is, that I didn;t acknowledge at the time, that you needed those 5 weeks to spread your wings, but once spread, they will never go back to where they were. You will never again be my flightless bird.

We were all walking through Target a couple weeks ago. Picking out new school clothes for the girls. As we walked by the boys section, you stopped and picked out an outfit that you wanted. The style, taking me very much by surprise. You picked out a shirt, jeans, a jacket and even a hat, that I would have never thought to buy you. And ever so slightly, my heart broke.

Laying in bed that night, talking to your dad about the day, I began to tear up. Your dad looked at me in complete disbelief that I could get sad over your choice of clothing. Yes, it seems that simple. Yet my heart knows that you picking your own style of clothing is so much more.

I have always picked your clothes, never caring what you wore, really. I have always picked your style, short or jeans and a t-shirt. You have always been perfectly okay to go along with whatever I picked.

But, you are continue on to spread your wings farther. You see sweet heart, the simple act of picking your own style is the first big step in being your own person. You have developed and will continue to develop still, your own identity, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, passions, wants and needs. A simple shirt selection, reminds me that you are your own person and will be spreading your wings more and more in the years to come.

I am not ready. I am not sure a mother is ever ready, but I am certain I am not! I want to hold you at 9 forever. I want you to always have you excited that I volunteer in your classroom. I want to always know that I am the prettiest girl in your life. I want to always know that you will be my little boy. Yet, you won't be.

You now have the option of joining clubs at school, about two dozen different after school activities to choose from, and again, your choices surprised me. Yet, another opportunity that makes you the unique individual that you are.

Tonight, as I type, I can hear you in your room, having a birthday party sleep over with your friends from school. Your first real sleepover and surprise birthday party all rolled in to one. I have watched all night long as you have interacted with your friends. I am proud of the person you are. I enjoyed the moments of you acting like little kids (and yes, even the moments where you acted like obnoxious 10 year old boys, but I will never admit to that). I loved seeing the smile on your face at receiving the outfit you so badly wanted. I can not wait to see you dressed up in it. I love the fact that you still hugged me when your friends were here. I love that you feel safe enough to be who you are with us and your friends.

I know that picking a new clothing style and clubs are just the beginning of the independence you will begin to seek as you grow. I know that with every step away from me, I will be sad. I know that I can't stop time and keep you at 9. I know that someday you will drive, have a real girlfriend, move away. I know that because I cannot stop these things from happening, nor really would I want to as they are all healthy and a part of life, I will embrace them fully. I may not always like the things you do or say, I may not like your clothing styles (although, I do love your new outfit), I may not always agree with your choices....but I will always support you, accept you, encourage you, love you and hug you.

You will always be my little man, whether at 6months, 5 years or 10 years old. You will always be my little man..... I am thankful to God daily for you, you set the bar on me being a parent. You will always walk the path of being the oldest, the decisions we make, the rules and limits we set with you, will always be a first for us, and for that I am thankful. You make parenting easy and fun. You make me more proud than you will ever know.

I hope you always have the loving, kind, compassionate heart that you do today. I hope that you never lose your sense of humor (maybe the sarcasm a little bit :), your athleticism, your desire to learn. I hope this year brings you wonderful moments full of chances to grow in God, to be a kid, to have fun and yes, to learn new things. Mostly, I hope this year brings you the opportunities to still be my wonderful little man.

You will always and forever be mu little man, doodlebug, Lil cutie.

I love you my sweet, sweet Adam and hope that 10 is the best year yet!!!!!!

Now would you and your friends please go to sleep so I can?! :)

xoxoxoxoxox mommy!

Sweet Andrew

2011-08-13T23:07:00.000-04:00

When I sit down to write the kids birthday letters every year, I usually begin to think of what I want to say days in advance. I reflect on each child individually, the growth they have made, the challenges they have faced, the changes that have occurred.

Yet, with you, there is no forethought. The words, flow out of me, often as do the tears. Tonight is no different.

11 years ago, I was blissfully pregnant; you tucked safely inside the security of my body. I was still enjoying every moment of my regular clothes no longer fitting. Reveling in the joy of feeling you flutter. Peace within the excitement that someday I would see your face and hold your little body.

I had no idea that in 12 short days, I would have the joy and heartbreak of holding my firstborn, of kissing your skin, counting your fingers, feeling them wrapped around my hand. I had no way of knowing, the dreams I had, the plans we were making, would be cut so short. No way to prepare for the heartbreak, sadness and un-regrettable arrival you would bring to my life.

Two friends on facebook, both pregnant, with the automatic tickers that show up announcing how far along they are, the growth that is occurring to the babies they both hold safe. In the last couple days, both of them have hit the 22 week mark. I read of them putting together the cribs, the baby items, planning the baby showers. Their excitement is palpable; as it should be.

Tonight, it brings me to tears. It takes me back instantly to my own excitement and preparations for you; Planning of your baby shower, your daddy eagerly painting your nursery night after night, me constantly rubbing my belly the way pregnant mommies do, the journal writing I did to you, the talking.

And then, just as quickly, the fear that something was wrong, the motherly instinct already fully in tact, the hope that we would defy the odds, the statistics. Ever knowing as all medical advances were made to hold you inside me until you could survive safely outside the security of my belly, that they would be futile attempts. Aware, even as I laid in bed and prayed, begged, pleaded and bargained with God to let me have you just a little longer, that I would really only have you very little longer. Every flutter kick you gave, I savored, knowing by the time my head could comprehend the breaking of my heart, I would feel your kicks no more.

11 years later and I am not sure my head has ever been able to comprehend the pain my heart feels. Yet, my soul knows only peace.

I long to say that I hope these mommies see weeks 23, 33 of their pregnancies....yet does that make it seems as though I wished I hadn't had you? For even with the heartbreak, I never regret you. How could I?

So perfect, all 1.1 pounds of you. absolute perfection. one look at your perfectly formed body and I knew then, even through the heartbreak, that there was/is a God. There is no way, man on our own, is capable of making something so wonderfully delicate, perfectly beautiful and amazingly strong. Oh how my broken heart longs some days to be able to see you again, to hold you one more time, to kiss your soft skin, to hold your hands, to feel your heartbeat, to wipe away my tears at the pure innocence and beauty of you.

I could never regret the gift of your life God chose to give me. Three hours may have been all the time I was given to enjoy you in my arms, but my heart, occasionally broken and hurt that I can not hold you now, knows the love of a mother last forever.

Your life, taught me things about myself that I may have otherwise never learned. Your life, gave me your brothers and sisters. Your life, gave me strength, courage, acceptance, love and understanding.

Three short hours in my arms, a lifetime in my heart.

Yes, I hope each of those mommies celebrate 23 and 33 weeks of pregnancy. I pray each of those mommies celebrate the birth of their babies, their first birthday, the first day of kindergarten, their high school prom and everything else their unborn lives have to offer. Yes, those mommies will have their hearts broke by those babies, yes they will drive their mommies crazy, yes they will teach their mommies so much throughout their lives.

Yet, when you become a mommy, it does not matter where your child lives, heaven or earth, how long they are with you, 3hours or 83 years, or how many physical kisses they can give, a couple hundred or a million millions....when you become a mommy, all that matters is you know a love so profound, so true, so real, so deep, so without understanding, that you never regret it!

Baby Andrew, there may be tears, my life with you may not have turned out at all how I planned or thought, my heart may break again sometimes at missing you, I may long for moments I will never have with you.......but my love for you will last forever.

I love you my beautiful perfect sweet baby.....until I can hold you and kiss you again on your side of Heaven.....

hugs, kisses, and love forever.......

happy 11th birthday beautiful boy....I hope Jesus throws you a big party and gives you an extra hug from mommy.

Happy birthday Amazing girl

2011-06-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

On June 15th 2005 at 1:30pm weighing 7lbs 14oz, this little bundle of pink entered my world and stole my heart.

On June 15th 2011 at 1:30pm weighing 45lbs, this bigger bundle of pink own my heart!

Amazing girl. Amazing girl. Amazing girl.

How did I ever get so blessed by our Father to have the privilege of raising you?

I have never seen the face of God, but I see him daily when you wrap your arms around me and say I love you mommy. I rejoice in him daily as I watch you lift your arms out and sing the newest bible song you have learned. I feel him daily when I watch you stop to pray, your prayers so sweet yet earnest and sincere. I witness daily his love and compassion for all things when I watch you in action as Amazing girl the bug catcher.

Through your eyes, I see the beauty of life. For you sweet child, the catcher of all bugs, including roaches (years from now when you read this, yes, you really did catch a roach with your bare hands to put into your bug play ground to play so mommy didn't kill it) see the value of life in everything. You, dear tomboy, my I-want-to-wear-a-dress-while-I-am-catching-bugs girl, are the first to see, save, love and animal God put on this earth (including the 135lb boa constrictor we saw a few weeks ago). You my sweet future tree hugger, despise litter, you will stop no matter where we are and start to pick it up. Sometimes this is troublesome, for the time it takes and the germs your OCD mother knows you are touching. But, above all, this is beyond fantastic! You have such a caring, concerned heart for all that is in this world. You darling love, take the time, that I so often rush through, to see the beauty in this world; in people, in nature, in love.

You are now officially a 1st grader. WOW! You grew so much this year. You started Kindergarten knowing all your letters and numbers, being social and personable. You ended this school year, reading at a 1st grade level, loving to write (hmm, where so you get that I wonder:) and read, and being more social and personable.You love school, every part of it (except for rest time :) and the teacher in me is delighted! You love your sisters and brothers, your relationship with them growing stronger every day from that of forced sibling to honest friends. You love to be active. You love to mimic mommy (yes, this scares me so). You are constantly helping and encouraging others through your words, actions, drawings and doing.

I have enjoyed watching so many changes in you this year. But the one I have loved the most, is watching your hunger for learning and loving God grow daily!

Everything about you dear Amazing girl is honest, true, genuine, giving, loving, fun, laughing and enjoying. I pray these qualities within you never change!!!!

As you turn 6 today, my independent (but still want and need mommy time and hugs) big girl, know that 6 years ago today was one of the happiest moments of my life. When they handed you to me and you looked up at me as if to say, ok, so this you huh mom? I've been wondering what you looked like, now feed me! I thought for sure I could never be happier or love you more....

I was wrong....I love you one hundred and one, 20 thousand, 5, 23, 9 to heaven, earth and back again!

Happy birthday baby girl, I love you!!!!!

letting go

2011-06-13T14:40:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in Georgia, you are sitting in the back seat of the van, probably sleeping right now.

Are you dreaming of mountains...your cousin...New York City...the creek...your brother, sister, daddy or me?

Have you cried? laughed? been sad? bored? or just plain full of excitement?

Letting go..........

You hugged me forever this morning, cuddled up on Nana's couch. All 4 feet plus of you, snuggled in my lap. I made jokes, I cried, I whispered to you, I wondered if I was holding on for too long, but you didn't make a move to be let go, so I held on longer still.

You gave me lots of hugs and kisses by the car...but not nearly enough to fill 5 weeks worth.

It was weird to go pick up your brother and sisters from VBS without picking you up too and tousling your hair because you are too old to be kissed in public.

I miss you like crazy already my sweet precious almost 10 year old little man.

You will have the time of your life this summer, an experience that I would never think to deny you, even as my heart breaks from missing you, my arms long to hold you and I sit crying at the keyboard.

I do not worry for you, that is not the reason for my tears, for I know that our father God will keep you safe and protected, he sees you when I can not.

I know you will be wonderfully cared for and greatly loved, for the ones that enjoy your days right now are the same that raised me.

I know that you will meet cousins you never have, make memories to last a lifetime, visit places I have never been, continue and grow the relationship you have with your Nana and Papa.

I know that you will sometimes get homesick. I know that you will text me and call me lots, you already have. I know that you will grow this summer. I know that you will have more fun than either of us can imagine. I know that you are spreading your wings.

I couldn't ask for a better opportunity for your first time away from home. I am so eternally grateful that you are spreading your wings with family that love and cherish you almost as much as I.

I knew being a parent would be lesson in letting go, in loving, in having faith. I knew it would be hard, the greatest, bestest, most wonderful things in life, often are.

There are 37 days, roughly 900 hours or 53880 minutes until I can hug you again.

Sweet boy, growing daily, don't grow too much this summer. Don't change too much. Don't miss me too much. Don't enjoy the peace and quiet of no sibling squabbles too much.

I will miss our summer baseball watching together curled up on my bed at night. I will miss your laughing. I will miss watching you play trains with your brother. I will miss your sarcasm, so like mine, even if inappropriate sometimes. I will miss sneaking frappe's. I will miss have my front seat passenger. I will miss watching you read, blog, journal, watching TV.

Yet, when I see you again, these things will be so much sweeter. You will not mind the sound of bickering siblings, you will not mind me kissing you in public, you will not mind the annoyances of pesky brother and sisters, you will not mind being called lil cutie.

Adam, this is a new chapter in your book of life, one that will be filled with so many fun times. The memories you will make, the family you will meet, the places you will go. Enjoy every second. Journal often so you remember everything (to tell me and to look back on years from now). Take lots of pictures. Be safe. Have fun. Laugh a lot. Call me often. Text me even more often.

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU BUNCHES ALREADY LIL CUTIE!!!!!

Remember, start shopping for my birthday present now, I want a good one :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When you walk the dogs at night with Nana, remember the moon smiling down on you is also smiling down on us.

I LOVE YOU DOODLEBUG, see you in 35 more days,

Mommy bug

happily sad

2011-06-08T14:38:00.000-04:00

It's the end of the school year. A time I usually look forward to, being the mom that loves having her babies home for the summer in spite of or perhaps because they drive me crazy. I like knowing what they are doing all day, hearing their laughter, watching them learn, explore, grow and play. I know this time with them is limited. The chance to just be a kid, to have no where to be at a certain time every time, to play in the rain, to enjoy life. I know the opportunities to do these things with them goes away with every passing day as they grow. I know that some day, they will want more than the simple pleasures of riding their bikes all morning, taking a nap, relaxing in front of the TV, and playing in a 2 foot pool. So, with warm weather and ample trips to the beach, summer brings with it the chance for even mommy to be a kid again. A chance for me to slow down and enjoy life in its simplest, innocent form, to look forward to a rain storm just for the chance to play in it.

I have always loved the elementary school my kids have gone to. They, and I, have made some wonderful friends, some great memories and fantastic opportunities. I am blessed they are part of many activities within their schools, that they are accepted and loved for who they are, that they are encouraged to grow and learn.

Today, the last day that my kids will go to their elementary school is met with sadness that overshadows the happy of them starting summer vacation.

The choice to withdraw them from their current school was not one I made lightly. It wasn't an easy decision, it is one that I prayed over. The choice to withdraw them from a place that has been loving and accepting was done only with the best intent for their future.

For as much as I love their school, the very school system within they attend and I work, leaves something to be desired.

It is this desire that led me to withdraw them from their school and place enroll them starting next year in a new school. Yes, this new school is in the same system, however, it is a charter school. A charter school differs from a public school in the fact that a charter school is more directly parentally involved, students have to apply and be chosen to attend, their discipline is stricter. They are a public school, with accountability reported to the stater and funding provided by the state in addition to local businesses. They are much like a non religious private school but without the tuition.

If I only had 1 child I may never have pulled them out of their currently elementary school but when you take in to account all 4 personalities, this was the right choice for all of them.

But, even knowing you made what you think is the right choice, is still hard sometimes. I walked away from the kids school today with tears on my face and a sadness in my heart. I will desperately miss some of the people at their school. I know the kids will miss many friends they have made. We will all miss people that have impacted all our lives. Yes, some of these people we will remain life long friends with. Some of the friends we have made are even transferring school with us. But some people, current friends, will fade away with the passing of time, looked back on lovingly as people that have made a difference in our lives.

I understand that throughout our lives we will always have friends come and go, this is a lesson kids learn young on the playground. Sometimes it is even necessary and desired to allow some friends to fade from our lives. But, I hope those friends that fade away with time, know how special they were and are. Just as I hope the kids and their former school know that there is no place else I would have wanted as our 1st school experience and I look back on our 4 years there with great pride and wonderful happy memories!!!

Now, bring on the rain, naps, late nights, no schedule, sleeping late, ice cream eating, beach and pool playing days of summer :)

Mini-mommy

2011-05-21T14:30:00.000-04:00

The other night, after Mr. Producer and I ran a 10K, we were talking with the fab 4 about running. We asked Little Man if he would run a 5K with us and of course he responded with a "yes" and the "well duh" look (you know, since he has run a 1 mile race and placed 20th :)

We then turned to Amazing Girl, who at almost 6 just gets more amazing everyday, (but I'll save that for her birthday blog in a couple weeks) and asked if she thought she could run a 5K. Here is the conversation, with included hand gestures.

Mr. Producer: Amazing girl (because you know I refer to my kids in real life with their virtual name :) do you think you could run a 5K

Amazing girl: Of course.......shrugs, well, how far is that?

Me: Probably from here to Nana's

Amazing girl: That's not far (insert look of "Mommy/daddy you are such silly creatures)

Mr. Producer: So, you think you could do it?

Amazing girl: (Hands open in the air about shoulder height and big smile yet total seriousness on her face) Uh ya, I am a mini mommy you know!

Me: LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH

Amazing girl: runs over and gives mommy kisses!!!!!! :)

Man I love that girl. Her natural humor and beauty and sweetness brighten my day!

So, laying in bed later that night, unable to sleep as usual, I began to think of my Amazing Girl. Her comment that she is a mini-mommy, while complimentary and flattering was also terrifying and thought provoking. A couple weeks back, she was in the local paper as student of the week. The last question the interviewer asked was what she wanted to be when she grew up? Without any hesitation at all, her response was......a mommy. As a parent, you are aware daily that your children watch you, this is no secret or mystery. But all these mommy comments from Amazing Girl led me to lay there and reflect upon the mommy traits that I am instilling in her ever present watchful eyes.

Am I the mommy I want my daughters to grow up and be? N.O.!!!!!!!!

In the dark, the images flash through my head, of all the times I have been undeservedly short tempered with my babies. All the moments I have put them on hold for reasons so very unimportant. All the moments I may have missed where their behavior is screaming out for a hug and kiss and attention.

Oh mini-mommy, I do so hope you grow up and become a mommy.....I hope you learn well and watch from me only the good things. Yet, I know that you won't. I know that you will see the times, where in my human state, I leave much to be desired. I know you will witness the times of my deepest imperfections, I know you will see me falter and fail, you will see me cry in frustration, you will hear me raise my voice in anger, you will see me exhausted and in need of a mommy time out, you will see me rashly dole out a punishment, you will God willing, watch me make mistakes.

Yet throughout these imperfections and human errors, I hope your ever vigilant eyes see so much more. I hope they witness me apologize, which should be more often I am certain. I hope you see more the tears I cry of joy that God choose me to raise you four. I hope you hear more laughter than reprimand, more kindness than hostility, more laughter than exhaustion. I hope you notice many many many more hugs and kisses than spankings. I hope you see the pride in my eyes at the joyful child you are. I hope you notice the wonder of amazement as I marvel at the person you are. I hope, dear mini-mommy that you notice mostly the love.

For through the exhaustion, the bad moods, the errors, there is so much more love than you will ever know until you hold your own child in your arms.

Until the day, you become a full blown mommy, I hope you know, understand and accept that your mommy is completely imperfect, has no guide book, makes constant mistakes, yet is so very thankful everyday that she is privileged enough to be called mommy by you!

I love you completely, totally, without condition my beautiful, wonderful Mini-mommy Amazing Girl!

Baby A...a teenage 4 year old

2011-05-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Baby A.

Hard to imagine that you are already or is it only 4?

The first to grow and develop, to secure yourself a spot within the dark cave of my belly. The first to let us know what your gender was. The one ultimately in charge of when you would be born.

Right from the start you have always taken charge. You are not one to sit back and wait to see what happens....hmmm, I haven't figured out yet where you get that from ;)

You are in such a hurry to grow up, often saying you will be 5, 8 or even 11 on your next birthday! You have the innocence of a 4 year old and often the attitude of a 14 year old!

Oh Baby A.....you make me laugh so much. You are so fun. You make parenting easy and enjoyable. You have such a warm, maternal heart. You are empathetic, compassionate, giving, loving, intuitive and caring, yet stubborn and bossy when you want or need to be. You are cautious and shy, yet when you let someone in, it is usually for life. You are typically drawn more towards adults or older children than you are kids your own age. Yet, you know your twin completes you. You are usually the 1st one with a big hug, kiss and I love you, just because you want or feel the other person needs it. You are definitely a leader not a follower and often have a hard time adjusting when things don't go exactly your way, yet you are eager to please people and get saddened when you make someone mad or disappointed with you.

Yep, you are definitely the one most like me!

Even your very name means servant of God! That is so true for you. You have such a serving heart, you are most happy when you are doing for others. You are strong and independent, yet you enjoy being loved and wanted, cuddled and kissed.

Your laugh is so infectious and you come up with the most amazing sayings! You love to giggle and smile. You are happiest playing the Wii, the computer, riding your bike, reading a book or just talking!

This past year of your life, you have really asserted your independence and strength and sometimes you get very frustrated when you need help with things.

Oh sweet baby girl, all of these traits will serve you so well later in life. You will be an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend! You are already an amazing daughter, the perfect sister.

You have the best relationships with all your siblings. You embrace and need your twin time with Jason, you cherish your girl time with Katie and you adore your big brother time with Adam.

Little Momma.....slow down! Enjoy this year of being 4. It will only happen once. You are growing and maturing everyday, convinced if you try hard enough, you can will yourself to be as big as Katie. SLOW DOWN! You are perfect, beautiful, wonderful just the way you are.....4 years old and all!!!

I so look forward to what this year brings for you. Academically, you are going to excel. You already know your numbers, letters, shapes, how to write your name and you are even learning sight words. Socially, I enjoy watching you trust and accept other people more every day. Emotionally, I hope you accept and embrace being a 4 year old. There is so many fun things for you to do at this age! I know this year will bring you closer to God, you are so eager to learn about everything, including Him and His love for you!

Thank you Becca for being sweet wonderful you, even with your impatience about your age, you are one of the best 4 people to have ever been blessed with!! I am not sure I ever did anything good enough in the Lord's eyes to deserve you, but I go to bed nightly and thank Him for giving me you!!!!

I love you my sweet bear bear!!!! Happy birthday darling!!!!!

what I learned for $1500 please Alex......

2011-05-05T16:49:00.001-04:00

If you know me well, you know that I often take on too much, that I have come to live by the motto, go big or go home and that I am a recovering OCD perfectionist.

Yep, you read that right..... recovering.....

It seems all these years that I was suffering from being an OCD perfectionist.

Well, I finally got help for that.

I am no longer quite OCD or suffering from it.

I have accepted the fact that I am OCD and I have further accepted the fact, that the world is not going to come to a screeching, ending halt, if everything isn't perfect!

Yes, this bit of wisdom was shocking to me as well.

My recovery process was easy, so easy in fact that I almost didn't notice it taking place.

What you ask, aided in my recovery?

WORK AND GRAD SCHOOL!

You see when I decided to go back to school, I arrogantly thought it would not impact my life that much. I would only be giving up the hours I spent at night watching TV....I thought! When I decided to go back to work, albeit part time, I thought it would serve as dual function to make extra money and have time to do homework (because we all know a substitute is a glorified babysitter :)

I THOUGHT WRONG!!

Somewhere over the course of the last 4 months, I learned a whole lot more than just linguistics, vocabulary and webquest. I learned......

I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, not true...not even a little.

But I did learn how to juggle. I learned to ask for help and actually accept it. I learned that I can live on little sleep. I learned that I MUST HAVE COFFEE! I learned that I am stronger than I thought, that I am more organized than I thought, that I am a bigger nerd than I thought! I learned that everyone needs a schedule, but that too can be changed, forgotten and mended as needed. I learned that what truly does look like complete and total utter chaos on the outside, makes perfect sense to me, but I also learned that it making sense to me isn't enough....It has to make sense to the people in my life! I learned that my house is not ever going to be clean as long as I am in school and guess what.....it's okay (ok, maybe I am still convincing myself of this one :) I learned that my kids aren't going to be malnourished if I make them macaroni and cheese with a fruit or vegetable for dinner (come on now, you knew I would still HAVE to give them a fruit or vegetable) and in fact, they actually LOVE it and want it more often. I learned that guilt is equal parts over-rated and equal parts necessary. I learned that I could actually live without watching TV but probably (most definitely) not facebook. I learned that I love driving on the interstate for an hour with the windows down and the music loud (ok, maybe I always knew that). I learned every classroom in the world is kept at freezing cold sub zero temperatures....seriously people... is there really a need for this? I learned that I do love to read, but really, 3 books on the exact same subject may be a bit much. I learned how to enjoy my time with the kiddo's more and sneak in minutes with them, that I may have otherwise passed up. I learned that I NEED time to be just Tracy...not mommy, not Mr. Producer's wife, not my parents daughter, or even my friends friend...and I learned NOT to feel guilty about this. I learned that I need an ipad, yep, need :) I learned that the kids, the animals and even Mr. Producer won't starve, will pitch out when absolutely necessary and they do notice when I am gone and are happy to see me when I return. I learned that my mom is truly the best editor in the world, I learned that my OCD perfectionistic ways could be squelched a little, I learned that I MISS THE GYM AND RUNNING. I learned that I have to leave myself sticky notes to remember to do the checkbook. But, most important....I learned that I am surrounded by some of the most supportive, funny, best friends and family in the whole wide world!

I learned that even though I take on too much and am perfect at nothing, I am pretty decent at quite a few things, juggling and going big are a couple of them!!!!

Now, I have to go look up the definition of a mop, see if I still have 4 children (that is how many I am suppose to have, right?) and answer the demanding shrill of the checkbook and the fervent plea of the gym!

Giveaway

2011-03-23T18:15:00.000-04:00

So, I teased a giveaway on facebook when funchaosx4 reached 100+ fans. Leave it to Mr. Producer to point out the obvious, "hun, you do know you actually have to have something to give away don't you?" Well, that got me to thinking.....what do I have that I could give away?

I'll let the random winner choose...........Your choices include, but may not be limited to..........

6 chickens
1 cute puppy
1 old cat
4 randomly kind, wonderful, funny, needing lots of reminders to clean up after themselves, kids
1 equally needing reminders for life in general husband
millions of gray hairs (caused by the aforementioned cute ~~life sucking vultures~~ beings
10 extra pounds (only 9 years old :)
sleepless nights
thousands of dollars in college loans
obscene amounts of dust and dirt
hundreds of loads of yearly laundry
miles of crumb trails
never ending puddles of spills
frequent tears
1 well used spanking stick
antiquated, useless, work when it wants to, computer
TONS of endless sarcasm and jokes......

or you could simply accept my never ending love, gratefulness (and maybe a $15 gift card to a store of your choice ;)

Sick: the pros

2011-02-20T17:58:00.001-05:00

The last 2 days have found mommy chaos so sick in bed she barely knows her own name. Yet, laying here I have come to realize there are some pros to being sick, both from mommys viewpoint and the kids.

Here's the kids:
1. We get to do whatever we want because daddy is working, mommy is too sick to move and its too early to call nana.
2. Nana comes and gets us, as we are eating our 4th bowl of sugar (otherwise known as choc chip cookie cereal, which mommy usually reserves as a treat)
3. Nana takes us out to... lunch, the park, the pet store, then dinner at chuck e cheese.
4. We get to spend the night at nana and papas where we get to stay up late watching home movies of mommy as a kid.
5. Back in daddys care the next day.
6. We get to go to Target, Burger King for lunch, sports authority, ride bikes and have ice cream for dinner.

Ya, mommy is pretty sure the kids are not missing me and in fact are possibly hoping I never get better. (Except I did overhear Amazing girl ask if I really was ok and going to get better...and I have heard whining because they can't hug or kiss me :)

Mommys pros:

1. Inability to think....about anything (like housrowrk and homework and running that needs done)!
2. Reminder just how wonderful my mother is...not only does she take the kids, she also takes the dog, gives me medicine or calls and tells me its time for medicine, and I think even did a load of laundry.
3. Lost 3lbs so far, apparently with a 101.5 fever my body is just burning away the fat and my brain, hence #1.
4. Sleep...I get lots and lots of sleep. I have probably slept more in the last 2 days than in the last 2 months!
5. Time alone! Lots of time alone.
6. The ability to still win at scrabble even though my brain is frying....sorry guys :)
7. The reminder at how much everyone loves me. They love me so much that no one wants to come near me (even mr. Producer slept in a different bedroom last night) because they know how horrible I will feel if any of them gets this!
8. Feeling the joy at accomplishing the most major of tasks...just brushing my teeth!
9. And my man bringing me whatever food I want, from whereever I want! Thank you honey!

Aaah...the joys of being sick! Now if only I actually felt good enough to enjoy all of this :)

The only con that I can see aside from feeling like I am dying, because the truth is, I really do feel like I am dying.....is not being able to hug, kiss, hold & cuddle with my babies or their daddy!

Ok world....If I write anymore, the germs may seep through my phone, into your computer and get you sick. So I am taking my germs and going back to sleep....love you all!

Thanks to my parents, mr. Producer and my smartphone for being here for me!

Happy Birthday Twins

2011-02-14T14:18:00.000-05:00

I said from the time you both born that God must love me more than anyone else because he gave me twins..

I still feel that way today...4 exciting, challenging, loving, wonderful years later....

Pictures from the days when you weren't so active and I could take them!!!!

33.5 weeks pregnant

delivery day

Here we are

Even the NICU can't keep us apart

1st birthday

twin time with daddy

happy 1st birthday

sand...water....life is great

hehehe

we love chocolate cake

baby bath time

cute baby bottoms

AWWWWW

sleeping buddies

still close

goobers

just because I love this pic

my favorite JJ face

cuties

A funchaos requirement....dancing in the rain

All 4 of my sweet babies

Thank you for 4 great years!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

Happy 4th birthday baby B

2011-02-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

The initial ultrasound showed 2 babies. 1 developed at 6 days more advanced than the other. The warning given that Baby B may not continue to develop.

You fought to prove them wrong.

You grew more slowly at first, always a few days behind, watching Baby A then to see how it was done. When you decided to grow, you went from 4 days behind to an exact match.

You fought then to catch up.

Not as close to the surface of my ever growing belly, sometimes your movements went unnoticed.

You fought then to be felt.

Baby A, making her will know that she would decide when delivery day would come. She came out first, with a scream, letting the world know she had arrived.

You fought then to stay in.

Out you came, Baby B....crying loudly..., mad, that your quiet peaceful, dark, cozy world had been invaded. You weighed more and screamed louder.

You fought then to be noticed.

So busy screaming, crying, and even peeing in protest as they removed you from your comfortable confines, you wouldn't be bothered with doing things their way. Instead wanting to breath too quickly, swallowing fluid.

You fought then to forge your own way.

Impulsive even at birth, you could not know the dangers your simple actions would cause. From screaming to blue and hardly breathing within seconds.

You fought then to set your own way unaware of the risks.

12 long days of an ICU stay, 2 really bad days of not being sure you would stay with us.

You fought then to come home and be loved.

Your vitals sketchy, your restlessness having to be matched by sedation for your own good. Your twin sister placed with you and you immediately calm down.

You fought then for the time to spend with your twin.

You never cried when they poked and prodded, your only cry from being hungry or left unattended to long.

You fought then to be feed and loved.

You perfected your charm and cuteness in that ICU bed.

you fought then to stand out.

Daily worry, prayers and wonder at what you would do, how you would be, when you would come home.

You fought then to win title of "I gave mommy her gray hairs"

We brought you home. So excited, so loved, so ready to make our family complete by having all 4 of you under the same roof. Safe, now healthy and completely loved and smitten.

You only fought then very occasionally for some alone time with mommy and lots of twin time with your sister.

All the traits you displayed in the 1st 2 weeks of your little life have never changed, even today.

You are laid back, charismatic, cute, charming, snuggly, loving, funny and a fighter. You fight only for the things you want most in life. More than willing to let others lead the way, have the attention. You take silent risks, you are spontaneous and impulsive. You are fast and active. You live by the motto that it is better to apologize than ask for permission. You are and happy to accept your place in life at being the baby. You watch as others forge ahead and make mistakes and then you try with almost perfection......when you and you alone are ready!

I knew from birth Baby B that you would be content to be in the shadows of the 4 but would shine in your own way! And boy do you shine!!!!

JJ.... You are all boy, your love of cars, trucks, planes, dirt, trains, balls, busyness!!! You are content to play by yourself but if quiet for too long, well mommy better come check ;) You push the envelope and sometimes my buttons with you impulsiveness and mischievousness. Yet, you have a kind, loving, giving soul. You see the beauty and importance of every animal and person. You make me think of new ways to parent, always keeping me on my toes. Yet, you are the 1st one to cuddle, hug and kiss!

I am glad you are a fighter! I love you more than you will ever know until you become a father yourself. I will perhaps always worry about you more than the others. You may get reprimanded more than the others. You may give me more gray hairs than the others. But, that's okay, because I just may love you more than the others!!!!

I love you birthday boy. They last 4 years have been the best of my life because I have you to call my son.

Happy Valentines Day, I love you, blah blah blah.......

2011-02-14T09:10:00.001-05:00

I am romantic.
I love chocolate.
I love flowers (not necessarily roses as they die too quickly).
I have a favorite perfume (that I am currently out of and would love some more of).
I love getting a card.
I have a great husband.

But.... I THINK VALENTINES DAY IS HIGHLY OVER-RATED!!!!

Yes, I understand it has historical significance. Yes, I understand it has its place in love and
why.

But still..... I THINK V.D. IS HIGHLY OVER-RATED!!!!!

I think it has become a set date on the calendar, commercially mass marketed by card, chocolate, florist and jewelry companies to make people feel like they love their significant others less if they do not spend a car payments worth of money on proving that love!!!!

Really, Mr. Producer has in the past done special things on this day, and yes, I love them. But, I love a card in March on a Wednesday, left in my car to find in the hustle of getting the kids to school or left in my work/school bag for me to find in the craziness of the day, EVEN MORE!

Mr. Producer has long since learned the best way to my heart are the things that are going to last a lot longer than a day or week. 2 years ago, he gave me chickens, you can recall the love and excitement here. Last year he told me we could have our sweet puppy Bella, read here.

Yes, I want to know that Mr. Producer thinks I am the best girl in the world. That he cherishes me, that he loves me the most. Yes, I want him to dance with me in the living room, sit out by the firepit with me, a glass of wine, just talking and unwinding. Yes, I want him to give me cards and flowers and chocolate. Yes, I want to be special..........

EVERYDAY.....Not just on one specific day set aside on the calendar!!!!!

So, today will come and go with cards,I love you's, chocolate covered strawberries. But today will also include time for my little loves....making homemade cookies, cooking their favorite dinner, playing a board game together and snuggling on the couch watching TV. Today will also include doing the dishes, cooking dinner, putting away the laundry, doing the checkbook.....So, you want to romance me, come on over and pitch into some housework, NOW THAT'S MY VERSION OF ROMANCE....someone else doing the checkbook or dishes or laundry....

Sorry folks, that's as romantic as I get today.......

So HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, I LOVE YOU, NOW PUT AWAY SOME LAUNDRY, WOULD YA? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Jesus...where are you?

2011-02-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

For Easter a couple years ago, the dollar store had ~~action figures~~ plastic figurines of various Bible characters, Jesus being on of them. Needless to say, the Easter Bunny thought they would be the perfect additions to the kids Easter basket. I only remember that Little Momma specifically got Jesus. For a long time she would say, and we would grin, "Where's Jesus? I lost my Jesus!" Jesus went everywhere with us and even slept in bed with Little Momma. After a while, Jesus was occassionally left beyond, never forgotten but not played with as often. Anyway, Jesus has made his was into the bathroom, where the kids frequently baptise him.

Tonight (I may have forgotten to let the water out of the tub) after bathtime, Little Momma goes into the bathroom, where I have just pulled the plug on the bathtub and comes out and asks about Jesus....This is the transcript of the conversation:

LM: Mom, where's my Jesus, I don't see him in the bathtub?
Me: Becca, I am sure he is there, let's go check
Walking into the bathroom, me grinning
I start to sort through the myriad of toys in the tub.
Me: LM, I can't find Jesus.
LM: But I need him, he's losed.
Me: Sweetie, Jesus is white and there are still a lot of bubbles in the tub, I can't find him.
LM: But I have to have my Jesus
Me: Honey, we will find Jesus tomorrow
LM: I want him tonight.
Me: I can't find him tonight, I am sure he is in the tub toy holder somewhere.
LM: But you will find him tomorrow, right?
Me: Yes, honey I will find Jesus tomorrow.
LM: Promise?
Me: Yes
LM: Okay, we will both be so happy when you find Jesus tomorrow

Out of the mouth of babes!!!!!!! I love her and her love for Jesus and hope that as she grows, she continues to search for Jesus and love him, the real Jesus, as much as she loves her Jesus today!!!

about to offend some of you I fear

2011-01-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

If you know me at all, you know that I try VERY hard to not be judgemental. This doesn't mean that I never am! Believe me!!!! I have opinions, just like the rest of you! However, I have learned in life, that the things I have always said I would never do, I probably have. The situations I swore I would never be in, I have. The thoughts and idea's I said I would never believe, I have or may. I just find that it is not my place to judge. I am not qualified to say why a person is where they are, what they should do about it. I have thankfully, never been called for jury duty! I am no one's judge. I leave that to a higher power. Someday we will all be judged by someone who knows every breath we have every taken. Until then, it is simply my place to either accept you for who you are or politely decline to have you in my life.

I didn't always feel this way. The "power" of youth giving me free luxury to think I owned the world and had the right to dispel my thoughts, beliefs and idea's on those around me. Like most "kids" I thought I knew the answer to all the problems in the world, why they were there and how to solve them.

Then, thankfully, I grew up and realized how dreadfully wrong I was.

With all this being said....I have watched my facebook status' updates from various friends and family fill up with various opinions on the tragedy that took place close to home today.

I have seen compassion, sympathy and yep, hatred.

Soapbox level 1........Now, let me stop right here and say..... One of my absolute closest friends is a cop. Additionally, I have many other friends who have spouses that are also in or want to be in Law Enforcement in some fashion. So let me tell you, I am grateful each day of my life for the job they do! It is certainly not a profession that you get into without realizing the risks and not one that any of them choose lightly to be sure. And definitely not one that I would chose (I'm afraid of getting hurt or being yelled at ;)

I am beyond saddened for the families left behind of the fallen police officers today. They are hero's!

Yes, THEY ARE HERO'S! I recognize, understand and accept that it is their job. They took an oath to serve and protect ordinary people with the risk and understanding that some day their badge number could be retired WAY to early. I understand that when they kiss their spouses and kids goodbye or hang up the phone with a friend, that in the blink of an eye, an ordinary night could become their last! They do, on some level, have routine nights and jobs. I also know, that they choose this profession, again, knowing the risks. So, before you say, well they are not really hero's...its part of their job....Let me say this.....EVERY job has risks!!!!! If you think they don't you are wrong! A secretary, while unlikely, could not come home from work at night because someone unbalanced came into their work place full of anger. A routine factory worker could be at the wrong place when a piece of equipment malfunctions. A teacher or teaching assistant could walk into a classroom (unaware) with a student already fueled by anger and in a millisecond have a student holding her by the throat with a pair of scissors at her neck (yep, true story and it did happen to me). A nurse, even with precautions could get poked by the very needle they just used in an HIV patient. Even Mr. Producer has risks with all the airplanes and helicopters he flies in. So make NO MISTAKE....every job has risks. A police officer, fireman, nurse, whatever, know and accept those risks. Yet they can not and do not dwell on them. They do not (usually) choose their profession or deny what they have been called to do because of those risks. They are just people like you and I doing a job they love! With what is usually the very rare chance that something may actually happen to them. The same with their families. It is a risk to be the spouse of someone, regardless of their job! It is a part of loving and accepting a person for who they are AND what they do!!!!!

What happened today, with the death of 2 law enforcement officers, injury of another and subsequent death of the convicted felon in question....is terrible!!!!!! I do NOT condone death! It will always leave families without a precious person in their life!

With soapbox level 1 you should have guessed how saddened I am by the death of these officers!

Soapbox level 2...... As despicable as the convicted felon in question is, and believe me, he had done some things that are beyond imaginable and almost unforgivable, he was still a human being.

***NOW PLEASE KEEP READING BEFORE YOU SEND ME HATE MAIL OR QUIT READING***

I can not find sympathy in me for the death of this man, in and of this man himself. But, let us remember, that this man was someones son, husband, friend. Yes, you could question the parenting that lead him to become the person he was, or you could simply accept that many serial killers were raised in great homes, with loving parents and that we ALL choose the decisions we make!!!!! Yes, you could questions the type of person that would marry or befriend such an individual or you could simply say that, you would politely decline to accept a person who makes those types of decisions in YOUR life.

Again, please understand, I do not condone what this man did. I find most decisions he has made in his life deplorable and beyond my understanding. Yet, he was a person.

Furthermore, I will admit, that while I do not condone death or killing, I am thankful that my tax dollars will not be used to defend and provide for this man that would have died anyway, perhaps years later in prison. I am thankful, that the families of the fallen officers have closure and do not have to sit through months and years of heartbreaking trial. I am not saddened that this man has gone to his eternal resting place.

Soap box 3.... I am however, saddened by the hatred that some have spread today. A few people that I know posted things that were hateful and 1 of them even sent me a beautiful email of apology BEFORE they knew I was going to get on my soapbox,, just simply because they felt bad by saying things they did not believe in and knew that I didn't believe in! (You know who you are, and I was surprised by your email to me, yet proud to call you friend and family that you actually went out of your way to apologize, as I knew you did not have that kind of feelings within you in general). I KNOW that a hateful situation often brings out hateful feelings in people. That is only human nature! I would be lying if I didn't admit to a moment of hatred myself for what this felon did today and the lives and families he tore apart. Yet, PLEASE stop for a moment friends and family and realize that when you verbally share those feelings of hatred, with even your spouse, let alone a whole public social forum, then you are A) spreading and encouraging those thoughts of hatred and B) giving the person who stirred the hatred more recognition and glamour than they should ever have.
Please think for a moment, that every war, every murder, every hurt, every bombing has been caused by hatred. Granted, your simple rambling on a page where only 100 or so people can read it, all that share your same views mostly, probably won't start a war or bombing or murder....BUT all of these things do have something in common. Of course, you will hate the situation, most people would and do. And yes, you may hate the person that caused it.....yet, sharing the hate only encourages it....some feelings may just be better left in your own head and heart!

side note..... one of the greatest mysteries to me is how people who do not believe in abortion can justify blowing up the clinic thus killing everyone inside??!!!!!!

So, I hope that all my friends, while saddened and maybe even hateful of today's event, don't continue to encourage the hatred by sharing it with others!!!!!

Soapbox out........

To all LEO the world over, thank you! To all my friends and family, I love you! To the families of the fallen officers involved in today's tragedy, my deepest sympathize, prayers and thoughts!

To all my readers, you know I do not "soapbox" often. I typically try to stay more on the light hearted side of life in my blog. If this has offended you and you are politely declining to be a part of my life any longer, I am sorry but I understand and accept your decision!!!!! If you accept me for who I am but don't share my same opinions, I respect that and won't judge you!!! I can agree to disagree!!!!

my rule

2011-01-23T14:13:00.001-05:00

I only have 1 rule as a teacher, whether it was my own classroom or subbing....1 rule that I live by....

I will give you the same respect you give me.

The kids "get it" and usually, they are respectful and I rarely have problems.

I often feel like I have this rule in my day to day life. Whether, in my interactions with students, friends, strangers or family, it seems this rule follows me and I see it in my children (yikes!)

Yet, today as I was standing in the kitchen.... (really I don't know why I have other rooms in my house as I seem to rarely get out of the kitchen) I realized that my 1 rule in life has a major flaw.

I don't really want to disrespect people. It's just not typically in my nature. Yes, I do have times where I am mean or short tempered (shocking I know ;) or rude. But really, I don't want to be and always feel bad later.

So, with that being said.....I now have a new rule. Really, it isn't my rule. I didn't make it up, just changing the wording a little. It is the same rule I want my children to inherit, adopt and live by....daily!

I will give you the same respect I WANT you to give me!

Ouch....the wording is pretty similar between the "old" rule and the "new" one, yet the understanding and connotation so different.

It is easy to snap at those we love, trust and know will always be there. Yet, each time we do, the damage, although usually unnoticeable, is done.

So....peeps, please accept my apology for ever treating you poorly before. I know that I will have many other opportunities in my life to apologize, as I am only human and WILL most certainly falter....

But from this day forward, please know that my new years lifetime goal is to ....always treat you with the same respect I want you to treat me with.

Will everyone I know treat me with that respect all the time for the rest of my God given life? NO WAY!!!!!! But, I am vowing to diligently try to not let others disrespect cause me to be the same in return.

And a challenge, for all my avid readers....... Try it for a day.

They say you need to be the change you want to see in others..... so the challenge is yours....take it if you want....I won't be offended or disrespectful if you don't!!!!

But, please keep in mind, that I am pretty sarcastic and smart-assey by nature, with the intent of being funny and not disrespectful.....so please, if you think I am being disrespectful....call me out on it. If you know me at all, you know I will and do say I am sorry and mean it!!!!!!

Love ya all!!!!

A room

2011-01-17T20:14:00.001-05:00

with a ~~smell~~ view!!

***Disclaimer.........joyfully, there are NO before pictures***

1 boy + 1 girl = marital bliss + 1 2 bedroom house = domestic bliss + 1 baby boy and a baby girl on the way = remodel and addition.

A couple years of trying to conceive a sibling for Little man and the only result we had conceived was the blueprints for a bigger house. With construction underway (by Mr. Producer himself) for a growing house, a growing belly was soon to be. The end result of this construction would be a Master Suite for the executive producer and his farmer girl wife. I use the term Master Suite loosely as our "little" love shack left no room for a bathroom to be added to this Master Suite no matter how we longed for one! What the master suite lacked in bathroom ability, it would make up for in love! This was to be our room, and our room only! The Little Man that crept into our bed at night would not be permitted to continue his nocturnal wanderings. HAHAHA! It would happen....when a screaming baby arrived on the scene :)

The room built in time to move in with plenty of room for my ever expanding belly and I couldn't have been happier. As time passed, we added an antique cradle to the bedroom...the 2nd clue, our room was not to be our own....for a VERY long time!!!!

The plans made for this cute pink bundle of joy to be moved to her own room very quickly, like night 4 after her birth. Oh, the plans you have before you become a parent!

Amazing girl taught us very quickly that she had her own mind right from the beginning. This would be the first of many battles we lost!

Many, many, many months later (like 9/10) Amazing girl decided that she no longer needed mommy's body as her personal pacifier and went (not without protest) to her own room.

And oh how we celebrated!!!! We were finally ready to have our own room.....kid free (because we may have thought we were done having children)........JUST OURS!!!

Did I mention, we celebrated?

Well, yes and within a couple very short months, the world noticed that we celebrated! The larger I grow (very quickly I might add) the more noticeable it became that we had enjoyed our brief couple of months of privacy!!!!

Resigning ourselves to the acceptance of twins, we began to wonder where we would place 2 sweet, breastfed all night long, squawking, squirming deliveries the stork would be bringing. Which room, Little Mans or Amazing girls would house the 2 creatures? Which room would best provide me the ability to feed them at night, with as much help as I could get? Which room would provide the farthest space away from other children to allow them to sleep through the night?

Well, there really was only one solution.....OURS!

The cradle, much to small for twins, that had just recently been removed was now replaced by a full size crib! OH MY!!!!! We really are having twins, and yes, they really will be living in our house!

So begins the very quick downhill slide of us losing our HAVEN!

Little Momma and The Baby resided in our room for about 6 months, then they were given the boot!

Yet, somehow they never really left and instead were joined by the other 2.

Saturday morning snuggle, tickle and giggle times (yes, people, I am talking about with the kids) were enjoyed and even welcomed. Sick children were placed in our bed, because well honestly, its easier and mommy is lazy :) Nap time snuggles with various offspring were cherished moments. The new puppy would be safest in her crate in our room. Time outs were easier in our room, no toys to play with. TV time alone for Little Man would be rewarded in our room. Bugs getting into the Christmas decorations in the shed, no problem, store it in our room. The old 32" TV would certainly provide more comfortable viewing in our room. My exercise equipment (that gets used all the time...by the kids :) would best be stored in our room. Laundry folded or in the process of, would get thrown on our bed.

You get the idea, our room, became the storage area where we would, after clearing off the bed at night, fall into a dream filled sleep.

I share a 1100sq ft house with 5 other people, a dog and a cat.....I began to LOOOOONG for and NEED a room of my own. We fixed the lock on the door, determine to keep little people out, but they still managed to get in, sometimes being more of an interruption than a welcomed guest.

It would seem the more I longed for my own private retreat, the more they tried to get in. I once again caved and had an open door policy....everything else lived in there, why shouldn't the kids come and go as they pleased too?!

As any of my close friends, that I actually allowed into the inner sanctum of disgust can attest to, our bedroom was in serious need of a make-over!!!!

Mr. Producer has listened to me ~~whine, cry, plead, yell, threaten~~ ask for a while that we please ~~make them go away~~ take our room back!!!!

One day a couple weeks ago, he informs me that he has an anniversary surprise for me that requires me to be out of the house....alone....ALL DAY!!!!! Wooohoooo!!!! I don't even care what the surprise is when he informs me that he wants me to have a manicure, pedicure, lunch and shopping with my friends!!!

As the day in question got closer, little pieces of my surprise were revealed....he wanted my input on a new comforter set (to replace the one that had been "colored" on with permanent marker by "not me") and he might have let it slip that he was putting in new carpet (to replace what the dog though of as her potty training pad) and oh ya, he is building something?! I am giddy, elated and curious at the thought of getting new sheets and carpet that doesn't carry the fragrance of urine and something my master woodworker is building. Again, I ~~whine, cry, plead, threaten~~ ask him to please let me in on the surprise! He does NOT cave! So, wait I must!

Boy oh boy, the wait was so worth it!!!!!!

Below are pictures of the product of my surprise....

We have a new policy, with a door that actually locks.....NO KIDS ALLOWED......Let me repeat this in case you missed it the 1st time around.......NO CHILDREN, KIDS, OFFSPRING, RUGRATS ALLOWED. Even our friends, after the initial inspection, will NOT BE ALLOWED!!! Sorry guys, I love you all, but this is finally my haven, my retreat, my resort room (minus the maid). Quite honestly, I may never come out (except for the bathroom)....yep, I may even have to kids pass me food under the door.

All I can say is this.....yes, Mr. producer designed and built the furniture (headboard, dresser and nightstands) himself! and Yes, IT IS PERFECT AND BLISSFUL AND HEAVENLY AND I AM IN LOVE!!!! (and I may or may not have burst into tears when I saw it)

I quit

2011-01-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

Dear chaosx4 family,

Please accept this letter of resignation dated today, January 17, 2011.

Effective immediately, I am tendering my resignation as your maid, referee, taxi, laundress and yep, even cook.

I hereby delegate my duties to anyone willing to overtake them. Should no one apply for this position, as shocking as that would be, I declare you old enough to be the supervisors of said jobs yourself.

It has taken me many years to accept that perhaps I am no longer fit or was ever really qualified for this position.

To anyone looking to accept this position in my absence, please be aware that the hours are long, there is no salary, very limited benefits and rare gratitude's of thanks.

You will need to begin immediately, and even when you think the day is done, one of them are bound to need you in some capacity even in the middle of the night. They will need you to be willing to wash about 8 loads of laundry a week, prepare 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, transport them to fun events, school and church. Referring will be a HUGE portion of your day. There will be many he said/she said/he did/she did rumors through out the day, that can be taxing to even the most patient of people. You will be required to remember where shoes, clothes, toys and even homework you did not wear, see, touch or do have been left and to find said items as you are walking out the door, in the rain, with no coffee. In addition to no salary, you will always have to have immediate cash on hand for borrowed lunch money for milk and ice cream, in spite of the fact that you did pack them a lunch. You will also be asked numerous times for candy, gum and other unmentionables they know full well they may not have. You will no longer engage in conversation, but rather your vocabulary will consist of simple questions, such as: was that kind? Do you need to use the restroom? Where is your brother or sister? Has anyone let the dog out to go potty? Who drew on the wall? do you have and where is your homework, agenda, planner? Could someone please help so and so? Do you need a spanking? Are you listening and did you hear me?

I will continue to reside in the residence of employment and will be willing to answer any questions you may have. However, you can easily ask your employees as at ages 9, 5, and almost 4, they seem to know and have the answers to everything.

It is with my deepest regret that I have to hand in this resignation. I have tried my hardest day after day to be more than just an average executive. I have provided ample time for play, for extracurricular activities, for learning, for discipline, for giving and most certainly for loving. I have taxied the employees in question to numerous parties, sporting events, school functions, play dates and church services.

I have tried to instill good values, polite manners and a love of humanity in them. I have tried numerous times to show them the beauty in being quiet.

Please be advised though that these are hard employees to teach and train, an attribute that they may find useful later in life, but difficult to deal with as they are growing (between you and I , I am pretty sure they get this from their paternal side of the family ;)

I wish you all the best in your new endeavor and look forward to watching you with them in action.

Please understand that they are wonderful employees. They are cute with a great sense of humor. They can be very intuitive, understanding when you have reached your limit, they will often "step-up" and perform admirably. When they want to, they can be kind, helpful, loving almost angelic even. They are very lovable, they do say please and thank you often, even yes and no ma'am and sir. They have the cutest grins, they sing well, have I mentioned they are funny? No, actually they are hilarious. They will make you laugh often and much!!!! They also give THE BEST hugs and kisses and cuddles.........................................

On second thought....they may be sloppy, they may not appreciate folded laundry or clean dishes, but what they lack in those departments, they make up for in love.....................

So, sorry to disappoint any applicants rushing to the door to take over my unpaid, sometimes unappreciated executive position, but I have decided to recant my resignation!

Happy Anniversary Mr. Producer

2011-01-17T09:37:00.000-05:00

Laying in bed listening to you softly snore and watching you sleep. I can't help but think I am a lucky girl!

With every couple friend we have that gets divorced I can't help but reflect on our marriage.

It is not perfect, Lord knows sometimes it seems its been equal parts work and love. But, truthfully, there is no one else I would rather work at and love with than you!

Sometimes I think of all the things we have not in common and wonder what we do.

And then it hits me... does it really matter?

I relax by playing on the computer or reading, you by watching tv.
I am more assertive...take charge, you are more laid back.
I am more social...outgoing, you are more introverted...a homebody.
I am more practical day to day, you are more of a dreamer.
I am more concrete, you are more abstract.

Yet, in spite of these differences, we have something in common that is more important than our children even... We have our love of each other!

And in the end, that is what it is all about. Being in love with each other! Everything else is just a bonus!

I love you, when we agree and when we don't, when we are happy and fun and when life gets in the way, when we are being silly or when we are being serious, when we are rich (ok maybe that hasn't happened yet but it will someday:) or when we are poor, when you are home or away...

Thank you for 13 wonderful years and for giving me the most beautiful perfect space ever in which to celebrate, relax and enjoy!!!!

I LOVE YOU, I hope you never doubt that and always know just how very much I DO!

I am the master of.....

2011-01-04T21:22:00.068-05:00

1-4-11

Today was the day. I woke up full of excitement at getting to go back to alma mater to start my masters degree...even if the visit was only a check-in with my academic adviser. I got dressed, yep jeans and a t-shirt...hey I am a college student again after all, dropped off the kids and headed to the interstate. My confidence was high! I spent a couple years there, sure I expected some changes, but i am the mother of 4 kids so I'm not easily intimidated :) The drive there was a piece of cake, my swagger wagon did it on almost autopilot. I'm minding my own business, radio loud, I may or may not have been singing along :) I pull into what used to be my standard parking area and this is where I realize some things might have changed!!

#1....parking is now all metered....gulp, no more free parking, man this education is getting more expensive, I wonder if the cost of parking there night after night, week after week, can be added to my financial aid. Alrighty then, I pull into a parking space, oblivious to the fact that one of my ~~greedy snot noses~~ fab 4 has swiped almost all the change I had for milk at school. CRAP...... Do the meters take pennies? Ok, no sweat, my mother always taught me to keep a quarter in my wallet for an emergency phone call....from a pay phone, does anyone else remember those or am I dating myself? And yeppers, I still have one!!!! So I scrounge together a few nickles, maybe a lowly dime and I am good to go. This meeting better be quick...I got 45 minutes in my meter!

Obstacle 1.....OVERCOME!

Purse and school bag on my shoulder, swagger wagon doors shut (if you know me at all, having all 4 door actually shut can be a pretty big deal) and locked, confidence still high, off I go to Master the world!

#2 VERY BAD change.....there is a chick-fil-a...on campus...connected to the education building.... and we have already established that I HAVE to bring money weekly to pay for parking.....OH THIS isn't going to be good, just another "cost of education" to add to my financial aid!!!!

obstacle 2.....ignore Chick-fil-a sign (at least until after end of February)

#3 Um, wait a minute, where do I go now since they changed and added LOTS of new buildings? Ok, I will not look like a lost lonely student...I can conquer this. I look up and yes the education building, is still the education building...whew!

obstacle #3.....no problem!

#4 I arrive at my second floor destination by way of the stairs...yep, getting my exercise...really I did see the elevator and choose to NOT use it! I locate the correct room and door. I am greeted and introduce myself....only to discover that I am 45 minutes early.....W.H.A.T?????? Since when am I early for anything?? Okay, wait, way to make a great first impression, maybe it will never come out that I am a crazy mother of 4!! OH NO!!!!! I only have 45 minutes in my parking meter.....do I admit this or sit quietly and wait it out hoping I will get called early or at the very least no one will notice my expired meter?

obstacle #4...hope for the best and text to pass the time :)

#5 I am NOT called back early and I will NOT worry about it! I am finally called back, confidence still in check and worry over yet another added education cost in the form of a ticket, replaced by excitement to finally be advised. I walk in to the inner chambers of my academic advisor with her doctorate degree. I have my classes precisely picked out for the best nights of child care and activities and scheduling! Dum, Dum, Dum.... the classes I have picked, while they have no mandatory prereq....it is STRONGLY advised that I take the unofficial prereq. 1 online class and 1 classroom class. AW MAN! Mr. Producers schedule is best right now for 2 classroom classes.

Obstacle # 5...learn how to drop/add classes quickly!! This is just a minor setback!!

On the plus side, I love my academic advisor and never once think of the incurring parking ticket I am sure awaits me!

#6 Time to talk money... There is a grant for people like me (no, not old mothers of 4 who decided to go back to school because they are dorks not being challenged by 3rd grade fractions)!!!! Woohoooo.....free money baby!!!! (Side note, I still have yet to pay a penny for undergrad loans on account of Mr. Producer and I have both never worked at the same time since we decided to embark on the joyous journey of parenthood....hint, hint...next blog entry in the making). So even bigger Wooohoooo free money baby because I need more student loans like I need more kids!... Oh, dear Farmer girl (no, My AA does not call me this :) I am so sorry, but while your 3.7 GPA here at the university was beyond impressive, your ~~I'm an early 20 something and don't care about these classes at~~ JC GPA, was a little less than impressive. This grant takes into account your overall GPA, so I am very sorry, but you do not qualify!

Obstacle #6 Guess, I;ll be too busy paying off my students loans to actually help my own children through college....sorry guys!

Meeting adjourned, schedule mapped out for the next year. My academic advisor has increased my faltering confidence by accolades of my GPA at the university my determination to accomplish all goals in spite of having a life.

I nervously head out to my car, by way of Chick-fil-a (which happens to be closed, thankfully) because I may need a "make me feel better" treat. And holy, holy, holy...the miracle of all miracles... I have NOT been issued a ticket on my much expired meter!!!

Excitement rebounding, I call Mr. Producer to tell him all about my day. I am at least a Master of the drive there and home, if nothing else. I have done this so many times, I can do it with my eyes closed, so I can certainly talk and drive..... Or maybe NOT!

#7 I am so busy chatting my dear husbands ear off, that I miss the HUMONGOUS signs that say exit now, and I end up going across the bridge to the other side of the bay!!!!!!

Obstacle #7...I don't know whether to laugh, cry or quit at this point! Someone just point me to home and my babies, where they won't know my mistakes and still think I am the Master of our home!

From my little city to a bigger city to yet an even bigger one to home....from confidence, to unsure to embarrassment to confidence again... From I am making the right decision to I don't even know what I am cooking tonight for dinner let alone to what I will be doing in 2 years to making the right decision again....I AM HOME! I see the house where my babies are safely tucked inside away from the cold and I can not wait to hug them and not be reminded of the mistakes I made.

I walk in the door, arms wide open to Little Momma, who instead of saying hi mom, says....Did you go over the bridge and you forgot to bring my bike!!!!!

Once again, I am reminded that I am the Master of nothing, that life is a constant learning process, but one that despite its many obstacles, I dearly love and embrace!!!!!

If you have hung in there this long and are still reading, then you, my friend ARE the Master of either love, reading or boredom!!!

goodbye 2010

2011-01-01T14:10:00.001-05:00

The anticipation of a new year always brings out the "do better" in all of us. Everyone makes resolution based on things they want to improve...lose weight, work less, laugh more, etc. While these thoughts sound wonderful on Dec 30, 31, Jan 1 and maybe even 2nd. By the 3rd, usually we have all fallen back into the same routine. While this is never an intentional decision, it just happens. And truthfully, there is nothing wrong with that. Half of self improvement comes from recognizing our weakness and accepting them.
I personally always make resolutions and well just as consistently fail to follow through with them! Its ok, i still make them and laugh.
2010 brought many good memories, lots of times with friends and family. We had many visits from the tooth fairy, many gray hairs added in the process of being a football mom and parent of a very rambunctious, curious 3 yr old boy, lots of laughs from the animation, antics and attitudes of my sweet daughter...yes i can laugh at their attitudes because i know they get them from me and i can see how ridiculous i look :) All the fab 4 kids are in school. This is bittersweet for me to say the least. Everything about my kids growing and learning is bittersweet! 2010 also brought a busier schedule for Mr. Producer and a return to the work force for me. Our schedules are busy and crazy and there is no way we could do it without the help of awesome family and friends. We are truly blessed.....and havent lost a kid yet ;)
2011 will bring with it an increase in the craziness. The health freak in me is training for a half marathon which i will attempt to survive the end of February. The nerd in me has been itching for some time to do homework harder than 3rd grade spelling and math.....so off to college i go...again. like so many things in life i swore i would never do, i am returning to my alma mater. 2011 will not see me graduate from there, im saving that for 2013...hey i gotta have something to talk about then!
For all of you...2010 brought some changes and 2011 will bring many more...some good, some bad. But if you're reading this than the one constant has been you being a part of our chaos! And we are glad for that!
2010 was a great year. Not perhaps the best ever, but definitely a great one. However, i am ready to start anew, resolutions made with every attempt to forget them in 3 days...so bring on 2011.

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Mr. Producers list of 5 things woman need to know!

2010-12-29T10:29:00.001-05:00

I have hijacked farmer girls page! Don't tell her...shhh

I want to thank her for her insight into women...whether you're married or not yet, those were all helpful thoughts.

Now it's my turn. I'd like to give you woman the 5 things you need to know about us. This is my rebuttle on behalf of all men!

1. We CAN watch tv AND listen all at the same time...we just may not remember everything that was said....this applies to everything...we can do anything or nothing and still not remember everything that was said!

2. Dont critize us! No matter how many times we load the dishwasher, fold the laundry, go shopping....we will do it wrong! We don't mean to, we are really trying to help. Think of it as endearing and love us for it!

3,4,5... well, really there is no 3,4,5....just a 1 and 2. Yep, we really are that simple.

We are like a puppy...pat us on the head, throw us a treat (perhaps a bone ;) now and then (much more now than then, we could live on treats alone), let us do our business and we will in turn provide you with unconditional love...we may even wag our tag and slobber on you if your lucky :)

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M.E.N.....5 things you need to know!

2010-12-29T02:39:00.011-05:00

So, tonight at the gym, on the treadmills next to me, two girls are in a very animated conversation. Being the nosy girl I am (please tell me this isn't a revelation to any of you), I pause my ipod (still one of the best inventions and gifts ever) to listen.
To sum up their conversation, they were complaining about the men in their lives (really, us women don't do that so I was just as shocked as you are)! I listened for a few (okay maybe a lot of) minutes to their complaints, ranging from not understanding us, to not helping with the house work, to a "need" that men seem to have more than women and I got to thinking.

I turned my music back on and in true ADD fashion changed songs many times. But, when I found my favorite song to run to, the one with a perfect beat, I began to zone out and think some more....hey a girl has to do something to make it to the 4 mile mark, right?

Okay men....pay attention! Here is the truth you have been dying to hear about us women........

WE ARE NOT COMPLICATED PEOPLE!

Really, we aren't!!

We have 5 basic needs...yep, just 5...and this is all woman, the strong, the quiet, the self sufficient, the needy....even if we say we don't.....and in no particular order, they are:

1. We need you to listen, not just hear! There is a BIG difference!

2. We need you to love us the way we are...don't point out our flaws, trust me....we know them!

3. We need you to help out with the housework, chores, kids...not because we tell you to, not because we ask....just do it!

4. We need romance...ok so flowers everyday is a bit much, but a rose once in a while just for us will go a long way (more on that later ;)....so will a deep kiss or a compliment.

5. We need you to respect and appreciate us...ok so maybe they could be separate categories, but it's my blog and i said 5!

So to break it down for you....

1. Listen....pause the TV, (no whats on isn't important to us) stop what your doing, be in the same room as us, look us in the eyes, LISTEN!

2. Really I shouldn't need to expand further. Whether we have put on a few pounds or we wear sweats all the time or we have a chin hair that needs plucked or we are absentminded.... TRUST ME we know this! Begin to think of these qualities as endearing and love us in spite of or for them!

3. This goes without saying...but.....help us danggit....even when we say we don't need it or want it...even when we say no problem,we'll do it....silently we are hoping you'll help just because you love us (see #2)

4. There are 3 types of men in this world. A...the natural romantic, this comes easy and freely from you. B...the you know how to be romantic and wants to but, well you don't know why, you just don't (again trust me, it doesn't make you less manly to be romantic...only more so) C...the you don't have a clue....what is romance (there is hope for you though, grab a girl and ask her how)?

5. It doesn't matter what our professional job is or isn't...what we do or don't do around the house...we need you to notice, appreciate and respect us for it!

I did not grow up in the 60's...I did not vote for equality in all area's of women's lib....I am a girl and need you to be my big- strong- yet- gentle- romantic- helping- listening man!

Whats in it for you is everything!!!! Any need you have, any request you want, in any room of the house, any time of the day, will with certainty be met!

You spend the morning doing laundry and I'm yours.
You buy me a rose on the way home from work, I'm yours.
You kiss me as though you have to in order to survive, I'm yours. You hold the door for me, write me a love note, make my coffee every morning, clean the bathroom, carry on a conversation unpreoccupied for 5 min, wash the kids face, put gas in my car, tell me thanks for working or working out or cleaning the house, tell me my chin hair is cute, sing me a song, scrub the dishes, dance with me, call me just to say I love you, help cook dinner or clean up the living room or run errands with me......I AM ALL YOURS and truthfully, I will probably not be able to wait until the kids are in bed before I make you all mine!

Yep, these are the secrets to what turns us on, to what makes us tick, to what we need and want.

And for my money conscious friends....notice these idea's are all either free or really really cheap :)

Sorry ladies that I gave away our secrets....but if your man actually reads this and does these things....show him how much you love him and appreciate him and make him yours....wink...wink...wink...its what they respond too (yes they really only have that 1 physical need ;).

DISCLAIMER...I am not responsible for any by-products 9 months later from you making each other yours.....

Now go love, listen, respect & appreciate, help and romance her! Men you have nothing to lose but a whole lot to gain!!!

***Husband and wife tested, approved, implemented and resulted in the Fab 4 :) ***

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Happy Birthday Buddy

2010-11-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

9?! Wait, what??? You can't possibly be 9!!! How did that happen??

This is your last year in the single digits! WOW!!!!!!

I am watching and listening to you play with your younger brother and sister right now and all I can say is...Adam if you are half as good with your own kids someday as you are with your brother and sisters, then you are going to be one heck of a dad!!!

I am not sure you are aware of just how proud I am to be your mom!

Yes, I am proud of you for being on student council, for excelling at football, for being a cub scout, for being involved in the church play, for getting good grades.

I am even more proud of the character you have. You are loving, patient, helpful, kind, funny, compassionate.

I do not know who you will grow up to be, what you will do as a profession, how many kids you may have or where you will live. I know you will not be perfect, you will as we all have, make mistakes...

But I hope you know....I will always be proud of you!!!!

I love you very much and am honored, proud and blessed to be your mom!!!

4 letter word

2010-11-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

I feel a 4 letter word coming on.....

Got your attention? :)

We often think of bad, inappropriate words when someone uses the phrase 4 letter words!

I have been known to once or twice use one of these such words myself, shocking I know!

But, today I am here on behalf of my friend the 4 letter word, to redeem its name!

There are many wonderful 4 letter words, more so in fact than there are not!

Below are some of my favorites.

glad
care
blog
live
grin
pets
home
pray
Lord
song
farm
wine
beer
form
text
food
work-outs (yep, some creative liberty here)
fams (and here)
fone (and here :)

My most favorite one's however, are...
pals
kids
moms
dads
book
life
love
And................................................................................ brace yourself..................................................................
work!!!!

Yep, work! It is a 4 letter word I rather enjoy! I enjoy working around my house, working in my garden, working with my children, working out, and work as in what I do to earn money and give back to the world!

After 5.5 years of being out of the working world....I am heading back! EEEEK!!!! A couple 4 letter words can be inserted here as well.....such as
VERY
PART
TIME
PAID (which I wont be for the next 3 days :(, but will be after that)
SUBS (not the kind you eat)
OHMY (again with the creative liberty)

I will NOT let these 2 four letter words enter my psychie though...
fear and weak....
Though they are trying hard!

Yes, I am nervous. Yes, I will be nervous probably every time I step into a new classroom.

But, I know I can do this. All my years of education and training aside, this "work" is what I was born to do. It is a part of who I am.

I have been blessed to be able to stay home and educate my own children for years. And will continue to do so even as I venture out very part time into the "real" world.

Nervousness is allowed to reside, it will keep me humble and human, as long as its companion, excitement, resides larger!

Wish me luck as I take on the new venture of an old love "WORK"

Weeds

2010-11-03T00:05:00.003-04:00

I love having a garden. I love feeling the dirt beneath my fingers. Digging holes. Planning what vegetables i will grow. But my most favorite part is watching it grow. Daily you can see the difference in the sprouts. All it takes is a little TLC. But even with the TLC you have to watch carefully. In any garden, you will get weeds. They must be monitored and extracted quickly or they can take over your beautiful garden, destroying your crop and requiring much extra work to get your sweet vegetables right again.

It occurred to me tonight when I was watering my garden, that we, as humans, especially our children, are not much different.

We get our hands dirty, prepare, plan and plant our lives. We grow and change, sometimes daily. Somewhere along the way we autopilot our caring and watering. We watch a weed pop up and think we will get to it tomorrow when we have more time. And all too quickly, time passes and not only did we not extract our original weed, but now many more have joined it. Now we are faced with a choice. Do we take the time to clean up the mess, pull the weeds and throw them away or do we till our whole garden and start again.

We all have weeds. Some are very deep and others remain very close to the surface. Whether they are yesterdays unkind word or thought or perhaps an incident from years gone by, we all have something that holds us back from growing.

No one is immune. As much as I try to keep my garden of children carefully watered and very loved, I notice, they too have weeds. Thankfully, they are pretty much surface area weeds that are easy to pluck. But I know that if I do not pluck the weeds, ever careful to not accidentally destroy the blossoming vegetable, they will overtake my sweet tomatoes.

The same is true of any relationship that you have. Be it marriage, friendship, co-workers, family members. Are there weeds holding you back from growing? Something you can't let go of? An apology you need to make, a goof-up you can't seem to forget? A weed you accidentally plucked, that perhaps wasn't? Are you allowing weeds to grow within you that is stunting your ability to be a beautiful vegetable?

Gardening and life, certainly aren't easy. We all have weeds and we all pluck things we think are weeds only to later discover they were in fact, not!

I challenge you today, dear reader, to find a weed, either surface or deep, and pull it. Before you do, examine closely to make sure it is in fact a weed and not a wayward shoot-off of your plant.

Pick your plot, whether it is a spouse or friend or family member, all of which should love you unconditionally and accept and encourage your need to tend to your garden.

But today, no try to make it every day for 1 week, pull a weed. It can't hurt!!! It can only help your grow!

Confessions of a control freak

2010-10-27T11:18:00.001-04:00

Ok, I admit it....I am a control freak!!!!!!

For most of you this comes as no surprise!!!!

Some of this post may best be shared with just Mr. Producer, but it's my blog and I control it :)

Honestly, I get my controlling nature from my mom! (Mom, I love you and get MANY other wonderful qualities from you as well).

I will if given the chance, or even if not really, try to control anything (I am after all a mom, isn't that what we do??) !!!!

I control what my kids wear. I control what we do. I even try to control what we do with friends most of the time. I control what we eat. I control bed times. I control our finances. I control the errands, the chores, the pets (ok, well maybe not so much the cat and chickens who has a mind of their own). I control who I want to talk to (and will continue to talk even if they don't want me to :) I control when we go to church (and when we don't). I control who I want to see and when. I control the discipline method. I control the garden. I think one of the reasons I love texting is because I can control when I talk to you and you can NOT control when you hear from me!!! I usually control what we order from other kids fundraisers!! Heck, I even control Little Man and Mr. Producer's facebook farms for the love of pete!!!

I have little tolerance it seems some days for people who can not equally control stuff!! But then get mad at those who take the control from me...hehehe

Is it really any wonder that I choose teaching as a profession??

Now, in my defense, I do NOT ever try to control things to be mean. Sometimes I do it to alleviate stress from other people, to make their lives easier! A lot of the times, I am controlling a situation or something and don't even realize it!!! It is just simply a part of my personality! Just as much as being social (yes, my school parent/teacher conferences always held that I was a great child, a good student academically, but I ALWAYS needed to work on not being so chatty!!!!) And as much as wanting to help other people...Again, no surprise to most of you!!!

I am a control freak but not a nazi. I control what my kids wear in the sense that I pick out 5 outfits for school that week, they get to pick which of the 5 they want to wear on what day(provided it matches)! I control what we eat for dinner, but give everyone a choice on their drinks. I control that they must take a bath, but don't control what they play with in the tub. I control when I sit on the couch and snuggle and watch TV with Mr. Producer and what we watch, but I don't control what he watches when I am not sitting there with him....although sometimes I would like to as I can only listen to so many Seinfeld reruns :)

I accept this as part of my character. I do not often look at this as a flaw. I take pride in having things turn out perfectly because I controlled them to be that way!

PRIDE COMETH BEFORE A FALL!

I no longer want control!!!!! Now that I have taken it all, I don't want it.

The problem with taking everything is that there is nothing left for anyone.
The problem with enjoying having everything is that you don't want to share.
The problem with not sharing is that you do eventually get tired.

To the fab 4 and Mr. Producer! I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!

I realize one of the reasons why Mr. Producer LOVES his job and loves to work is because there he has control!

I recognize there is always a need for control. Some things just require it. Even something as simple as getting together with friends, needs someone to lead the way, make the plans (but that someone needs to pay attention to what everyone else wants to do)

This last year, I have heard on more than one occasion that I have changed. For the most part, I want to yell no. But then, I have to admit....it is true!

I have realized this past year, that I AM DAMN TIRED!

I no longer want full control of everything and anything. I want people to make decisions sometimes for me and sometimes with me!

But I realize that means I have to let go of the control. And that scares me. What if the whole world falls apart?! (I know they wont though! Take my absence from decision making of a fundraiser purchase, well that turned out even better than OK!)

Yet, I am just at the point of tired enough, that I don't care if the world falls apart. I don't care if the kids live on McDonalds, if Little man doesn't do his homework, the list could go on and on!

This is where the change in me has come in! I have controlled my thoughts enough to not share them...Eeeeek!!!!

So I quit taking control of many things, and yes, it seems some things have fallen apart! What I didn't do though, was come forward to my team mate and say "hey honey...I am sorry I have taken such control, I want you to take some back, please let's work on this together." Oh no, the control freak in me, has just said, I am not doing this anymore and let it slide! Expecting someone else to take the reins they didn't even know were laying around!

So where am I going with this information? Why did I choose to share my private mess-up with the rest of the world? (aside from still wanting to be in some control ;)

Well, because I think most of you deserve an apology from me. For my friends whose time I completely monopolized, I am so sorry. Please know that I did it out of love for you and wanting to be with you! For the Fab 4...I am sorry babies but I am giving you some control back...it won't be easy, we will sink in the beginning. (please know when you see us in public and the kids may not match or their hair isn't brushed, well....they have control over that ;) As for Mr. Producer....most of my apology will have to take place out of the public realm...I do have enough control of myself to not share most of our dirty laundry ;) But, publicly, let me say...I am so sorry!!!!

To friends....If I don't text you, call you or ask to get together, please know that I still want to, just take some control and ask me!!

To my family...when I am starting to control a situation or something instead of just giving a reminder.....TELL ME GENTLY!

So, don't ask me what we are having for dinner tonight or what the kids are wearing tomorrow....they will have control! It might be chocolate chips and soda and dorito's.....its ok, they will tire of that eventually. They may show up to school or church or football practice this evening in plaids and stripes....that too is ok, because well, they are just cute enough to pull it off!!!!

Psst.....I always maintain the right to control MY BLOG though!!!

I love all of my fellow control freaks.....you know who you are, whether you admit it or not, you DO know who you are. JUST ONCE, GIVE UP THE CONTROL! Just let the world know you are doing it so there are no surprises :)

and I am a perfectionist, but that is a confession for another day! :)

A pessimist

2010-10-25T12:47:00.000-04:00

Even a pessimist can be happy!

Allowing your happiness to depend upon another human only sets you up to be disappointed. Find your own happiness within your self and depend on other people to enjoy it!

Life will not turn out the way you thought it would when you were a child, a teenager or a young adult...It will always be better!

Life is only as hard as you let it be! Even the difficult times can be easy with the right attitude!

You can have a bad day, week, month and still be happy.

Everyone has some blue times and grumpy days....it is how you are the other 300 days out of the year that determine your personality!!!!

You are as young or as old as you want to be. I may be 35 with 4 kids, but I still feel like I am a 17 year old (just with more responsibility)!

Life really is too short to be taken too serious! Resolve to do something fun and silly at least twice a month!

If you don't enjoy your life or what you do....keep searching until you do!

You are not an ostrich...everything in life grows upward...

No heels required

2010-10-14T23:03:00.001-04:00

Registration complete....Entry fee paid....training started

Okay....here is the OFFICIAL announcement...............

I AM doing the Disney Princess Half Marathon run on Sunday February 27th 2011 at 6am!

I am so excited (and scared, did I mention that already?)

I had 2 best friends through middle school and half of high school...1 (AMY) I never lost touch with, the other (LISA), well a change of lifestyles got in the way and we sort of drifted apart....But, a few years later (hey, we aren't that old :) a certain awesome social network brought us back together.

Lisa currently lives on the East coast of Florida. With 7 kids and 4 additional pseudo-kids (who's age shall remain unnamed to protect the guilty, I mean innocent :) between us, let's just say we haven't had the chance to visit in person as of yet.

Through much talking, social networking and texting, we have discovered we have many things in common, aside from quirky sense's of humor. We discovered we both thoroughly enjoy running but don't have near enough time to do so.

Now, if you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I have lost a good deal of weight over the last year (39lbs to be exact). Well, sadly, I have put back on a couple of those pounds (grrrr....fine, 12 to be exact :p)...I have gotten lazy and developed a love of a certain frozen coffee concoction at a local fast food place, that is less than healthy to be sure...and well, anyway...............

So when Mr. Producer came home one day and casually mentioned a race sponsored by Disney, I checked into it. After perusing the website, my initial reaction was....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Who in the HECK am I kidding....I haven't run in a while, and even when I was running....um I NEVER ran the length of a half marathon or even half of a half marathon!!!

But an idea was forming....Semi-jokingly, I forwarded the information via email to Lisa. Then I texted her and said...."I sent you an email and all I can say is...wanna be team mates?" I think I was more hoping than not that she would say no!

Well, she didn't. She emphatically said YES!!!!!

So, in true Tracy OCD style, I began to plan! And the more I researched and thought truly about the distance of 13.1 miles, the more I began to FREAK OUT!!!!

But, I had already committed myself to Lisa and while I hadn't actually paid the (oh not so small) registration fee, I had given her my word. And well, she quickly went and bought a jogging stroller, so really how in the heck could I back out then???? (Thanks Lisa :)

So, the training has begun. To see our team name, training schedule, our stats (but you MAY NOT JUDGE), and/or to encourage us, go here.

Now if you know much about me, you know I am cheap...err, I mean, frugal! By God if I am going to pay the entry fee price, well then I am going to run.

So, with the fee paid, the team name picked, new head phones for ipod, new ipod songs being picked, a family vacation planned for that weekend and training started...Mommy is announcing to the world that I AM going to run the half marathon.

All the Disney characters are out on the race cours e to encourage you and provide you with breathing breaks, I mean photo opportunities! How cool is that? And according to pictures, you even get a tiara!!!

Please know that Lisa and I are NOT looking to "place" anything specific, we are just looking to finish with our pride and dignity in tact! We are hoping the weather is NOT to cold. We are definitely looking forward to the chance to finally see each other again. (I am not so looking forward to being the wearer of the dorky fanny pack to hold the camera for photo ops though :)

And lastly, we are looking forward to the chance to be a princess for a while, wear a tiara and thankful that there is a NO HEELS REQUIRED rule!!!

Feel free to visit our fan page and leave us encouragement....we're gonna need it! Otherwise, well, I am sure my blog posts and status updates will leave you more informed than you want to be.... :)

In case you are counting, we have 19.5 weeks left to train until race day!!!

Um, and seriously Disney, my only complaint is.....6AM????? WTH!!!! This is Florida, in February....It won't be hot even if you started the race at 9AM.....just saying!!!!!!

Can you sweat in a Tiara?

2010-10-11T17:16:00.001-04:00

Big announcement will follow within the week....but here is a teaser....

I am making a BIG commitment!

I am equal parts scared and excited.

I am jumping at the chance to get to visit and reconnect in person with an old friend....old as in how long we have known each other, not as in she is old!! (because we are the same age, if I said she was old, well....you get the point ;)

I have scrolled through pictures of people who have made this commitment before me, and well, honestly it looks like a BLAST (and they have lived to tell about it :)

If you know me at all, you know I am up for a good challenge, both to myself and to others (There, I publicly admitted that I am competitive :)!

And I love the chance to do something outside in the cold, especially with my family! Okay, these are the excited part!!!!!!

Yet, what if I am not ready? What if I fail? What if it is too hard? What if I trip? What if I forget the camera? What if everyone laughs at my DORKY new Christmas present? These are the scared parts.....

But, I am going to make the investment....financially, mentally, physically!!!!

The only hint I can give until I make the announcement publicly is.....
IF YOU SWEAT IN A TIARA ARE YOU STILL A PRINCESS??!!

10 years

2010-08-25T01:31:00.002-04:00

Dearest Andrew,

I don't have to look at the date on the calendar to know its your birthday. I can feel it getting closer... in my heart, in my soul.

I don't often get sad on this special day. I guess today (and the last couple days) is hard because it is hard to believe it has been so long since I held my angel in my arms. The years go by quickly. I am busy raising your brothers and sisters.

I write you a letter every year on your birthday and think of you daily, how can I not? Yet, when I pause to write your letter this year I am overcome that so much time has gone by.

For the first time since that long first year immediately after you went to heaven, I find myself wondering what you would be like...

Would you be into football like Adam?
Would you be charming and comedic like Jason?
Would you be serious like Becca or outgoing like Katie?
Would you still have a head full of black hair like your daddy?
Would you have endured a surgery or two because of your club foot?
Would you still be long and lean?
Would you have difficulty in school?
Would you have been the less than .0001% of kids to thrive beautifully without any complications from arriving so early?
You would be going into 5th grade this year.

Oh Andrew, sometimes it seems crazy to miss something you spent such a few precious hours holding, but peanut, what I would give to hold you today. I know someday we will be together again, but today, mommy misses you dearly!

Never for a minute think I regret having you. Those were six of the best months of my life...feeling you move, jumping from hiccups, kicking. Even as I knew I was losing you, laying there all night long knowing nothing could be done, I cherished every movement. I was overcome with joy when you were born, alive...so little, but absolutely perfect and alive!

I can close my eyes and remember every detail of that night, all my worries, questions, second guessing, guilt. Trying to push their way to the forefront of my mind, yet every movement you make reminding me to not waste a precious moment.

I only have 1 picture of you, yet I know that I do not need to look at it to remember every facet of you. Your nose, identical to mine. Your hair, feet, body build all your daddy. Your eyes stayed closed the whole time, you didn't make a sound, we knew you wouldn't be here long, but the smell and feel of your small body is woven into every inch of my heart!

I would never exchange those 3 hours of feeling your heartbeat, holding your fingers, kissing you, marveling of your beauty and strength for anything in this world. That time was just pure perfection.

You were, are and will always be perfect.

I could never have known then the gift you would give me in all your siblings and I believe that a part of each of them make up the young man you would be today!

While I would never change a second of my time with you, how I long for it back. Even with knowing the outcome and all the pain, how I long to see and hold you again.

And while I know that will not be for a long time to come, please know that in spite of the tears I shed today and the pain I feel, I rejoice in being called your mommy!

Peanut I miss you terribly and love you more. May you celebrate your going home day with our Father and know that we too are celebrating you here on earth!

With all my love, forever and always.... mommy!

p.s. look for the balloon the kids and I will be sending your way later tonight... know there are a lifetime of hugs and kisses filling that balloon!!!!

I love you peanut!

Blog hiatus...

2010-08-24T22:45:00.008-04:00

This summer we, okay I, was on a sort of blog hiatus. Please don't be fooled into thinking that meant we had NOTHING to blog about! HA!!! Instead spin it around... we were so busy we had too much to blog about!

I could bore, I mean charm, you with my writing. But, why bother when pictures can do so much better!!

This summer we made time for.....

SIBLINGS
GAME PLAYING
SWIMMING

BIRTHDAY'S

SKATING
MUCH NEEDED SNUGGLING
SELF PORTRAITS (big necessity :)
dreaded, err, loved....SILLY BANDS
UM, GUESS WE FORGOT TO LEAVE TIME FOR CLEANING
FOOOOOOOOOOOOD
LOTS OF RAIN

no summer is complete without RAYS BALL
Ahhh some MOMMY & DADDY TIME

VACATIONS!!!!
FAMILY TIME

OH YEA...FUN TIME!!!!!
SLEEPOVERS
FRIENDS
MORE FRIENDS
AND SOME OF THE BEST FRIENDS

ADDICTIVE COMPUTER TIME
PRINCESS TIME

PUPPY LOVE
and the most fun time for some... WORKING WITH DADDY!

Ya, it has been a GREAT summer!!!!!! We have had lots of laughs, loves, sibling time, twin time, tickle time and snuggle with mommy time!!!

Now, that your caught up to speed.... prepare yourselves for more regular blog postings....

PLEASE CONTAIN YOURSELVES AND QUIET THE APPLAUSE, YOU'LL WAKE THE CHILDREN ;)

Kindergarten

2010-08-24T22:18:00.005-04:00

Is it honestly possible that today Amazing Girl truly branched out on her own for the first time? How did my first baby girl get old enough to go to "real" school? WOW!!!!

I thought for sure I wouldn't be as upset, cry as much as I did when Adam went... I didn't even wait until we left the house to get teary eyed!

I thought for sure she would have no problems making friends...she has a new friend already...a boy!

I thought for sure she would love everything about school...she doesn't like rest time!

I thought for sure she would miss me...I just didn't realize how much we would all miss her....

I love you amazing girl and am so incredibly proud to be your mommy!

35

2010-07-25T11:05:00.003-04:00

I remember my mom telling me once that 35 was one of the hardest years of a woman's life. And as usual, she was right :)

While I may not yet be 35, this has been the 35th year of my life.

There has been much self discovery this year. While I am a far cry from being the person I want to be, I have come to learn some truths this year.

I am still learning to admit my faults and say I am sorry more easily and quickly.

BUT....I have learned...

*You never stop discovering or learning about yourself.
*Being passive can be a good thing, but you also have to stick up for yourself, regardless of the consequences.
*Friendship is hard sometimes but well worth the work.
*Marriage may be harder than friendships, but it is even more worth it.
*Usually the simplest expressions of love are the ones that mean the most.
*I get a little more neurotic as I get older but a lot less judgmental.
*You can't always choose who you love, but you can always choose to love.
*We all do things we swore we never would and we can choose to quit doing things we are if we work hard enough at it.
*People will and do change and that those changes individually may not be for the best but when combined with the rest of what makes a person, they can and should be embraces.
*Not everyone will like and accept you the way you are, even people that once did.
*Life...love...parenting is challenging but the beauty and joy found within it truly do outweigh the challenge.
*True friends don't judge you even when they want to but instead are always there for you.
*I still need my parents as much as I did when I was a kid, but for entirely different reasons.
*Doing things for one's self does not make them a selfish person, but strengthens their character and the roles they are in in their life.

Perhaps though the biggest lessons I have learned is compassion, understanding and acceptance.

There are many miles I have left to walk in this world, God willing. There are many adversities and blessings I have yet to face. But it is my job as a person, child of God, wife, parent and friend to have compassion, understanding and acceptance for people whose situations (whatever they may be) are different than my own.

May the next 35 years bring me as much joy, lessons to learn and as many blessings as the last 35!

Future photogs part duex

2010-07-12T23:12:00.011-04:00

Oh my.... I am not even sure I can caption these to add to the humor.... Katie got her very own digital camera for her birthday... HAHAHA! Watch out world..... No one (or nothing) is safe from her lens, whether it is in her hands or that of her brother or sister!

Altoid anyone?
Shake?!
So busted playing in mommy's purse
open wide and say aaaaah
I think maybe the peanut butter made her mad?
We definitely need to work on focusing
On second thought.....
This is what happens when your photog is shorter than you
Oh please, not today... I haven't had a bath
Its all in the lighting

I'm not telling.... you HAVE to guess what this is.........

Always willing to pose and smile :)
Double rainbow
Either future photog or make-up artist.... or both :)

Nothing or no one is exempt.......

Yep, me drinking coffee in the car... glad its not a close-up since there's a good chance I was still in my PJ's :)
Are we flying or driving
Sweet Marie and Bella
Noah
My mothers day gift
Pseudo-mom
Yep, even webkinz jr..

Hahaha... you had to know fb would be included
Liam
The rain
and Colin

Lastly... my favorites.....Self Portraits

Happy birthday future photog..... I sure love you!

My sweet children

2010-06-26T14:47:00.004-04:00

I laid beside you today and watched you as you slept. Normally enjoying the quiet of bedtime, today I missed you, the noise...laughter...smiles...i love you's.

You are growing up so quickly, yet you will always be my babies.

Your hands still small, yet you feel as though they can take on the world without me.

My role as your mother seems ever changing. I am referee, protector, guider, helper, boo boo kisser, band aid administer, tutor, teacher, explorer, fellow dreamer, fort maker, cook, spiritual adviser, social planner. Yet, I am always giver of love.

I pray that each of you know that every decision I make, every rule I enforce, every spanking I give, every time we do something fun...silly,every hug and kiss...I do because I love you!

You are all my world. Before and after each one of you I thought my world was complete.

Thankfully God knew that without each and every one of you my life was far from complete!There is nothing in this world that I would ever trade for you!

I am sorry that I am sometimes not as attentive as you want...need me to be.

I am sorry that sometimes I am selfish and want you to go to bed...sleep, earlier...faster.

I am sorry for the times that I have taken for granted with you. Moments when I was with you but not really there.

I am sorry I don't listen more. I am sorry that I correct and discipline sometimes too harshly.

I am sorry that I don't play more.

I am sorry for times I have chosen to nap or go out instead of playing with you.

There are a million reasons why I can apologize to you 4! Daily it seems I add to that list.

I can only say I am sorry!

You are all wonderful children who daily strive to make me want to be a better person and parent!

I love looking at the world through your eyes! I love your trusting insticts, your faith, your love, your thirst for life and learning!

May each and every one of you always know Gods love like you do today! May you always be filled with His grace. His ability to forgive. May you never question His love for you, instead always rely on the knowledge that He only wants what is best for you!

Life is not easy, but with God as your foundation, with the unconditional love and support from me, with the bond and love of each other; life will always be worth it!

I don't know what the future holds for each of you, but I certainly know that my love will always be a constant. I know that regardless of where you go and what you do in life, I am proud to be your mommy. I know that each of you have similiar traits, you are all giving, loving, caring, funny, kind people and that your differences make you unique and the wonderful persons you are!

You 4 are the best kids in the world and I know I don't often tell you but man, you make life fun and wonderful!

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET CHILDREN!

Dearest Katie

2010-06-26T14:19:00.007-04:00

Wow! Is it possible you are 5? It is so hard for me to believe that!Your birth was the easiest, the most fun and memorable of all the kids. It is hard to fathom that was 5 years ago!

This is a big year for you my sweet girl. You are headed off to kindergarten soon. You are so excited to be going and ask daily when we can go buy your school supplies. You are so eagerly anticipating this new adventure. The strong face your present to the world. The independence that you show. You have no fear of heading off into Adam's school, conquering it and making your own life there with new friends. You will love school as you are so eager to learn and figure things out!

Yet, because you are most like me. I know that there is a small part of you that is nervous...scared. It's okay sweetie! Every new step in life is scary but almost all are worth it!I wonder what changes this year will bring for you and Becca. You 2 have become even closer this year sharing your princess bedroom! I do hope and pray that your closeness remains in spite of you going off to "big girl" school!The change in your from 4-5 wasn't as dramatic as 3-4. Your personality hasn't changed much, only increased! You are more dependent, determined. You love more deeply and get frustrated just as easily. You are vibrant, outgoing, joyful, full of life. You have always been giving andthoughtful adn this year that too has grown. Every time you go to the store, you point out things other people would like, not thinking of yourself even when you have your won money!You are the perfect tomboy. Some years you will not like that, but it really is a great way to live! You love to put on and wear make-up, dresses, high heels. You love to have your nails done and be dainty. Yet, with freshly manicured fingers, your hair in pig tails and a dress on, you can almost always be found outside finding and loving bugs! There isn't a bug in the world that you won't pick up, want to name and keep forever! You have such a loving heart to all things God has created! You equally love to garden and plant things! There is no such thing as too much dirt to you!Embrace these qualities in you Katie for they will be major attributes as you grow!You out of the 4 are the most passionate. About life, love, animals, the world, learning! Never change that!!! Passion, caring, love and kindness are some of the best traits you can have!
There is never a day where I am not thankful for you! It is my first prayer in the morning and last prayer at night, I thank God daily for you and know that you complete my life!I am never more proud as when you call me mommy!

I love you Bean!

Friends

2010-04-15T21:55:00.002-04:00

Growing up, I had the pleasure of watching my mom have a few close girlfriends. I didn't put much stock into these relationships until I got older.

In high school, I was not overly popular (I wasn't an outcast either, lol). I had a couple great friends, and a lot of acquaintances.

Today, I feel like the most blessed girl in the world! I am fortunate enough to have a lot of great friends, some wonderful acquaintances. Some friends it seems flow through out lives like the tide. There are times of extreme closeness and then other times where we just "check in".

There are a couple great friends that I could not complete my day without talking to. There are others that I chat with via IM or occasional texting.

Some of these great friends have been around a very long time (23years) and others a very short time (not even a year). Yet, I would consider them both great friends. I know that in any time of need, from a crisis to just needing to get my hair done, they are there to lend a hand.

There are a lot of people that do not need or want a lot of friends. While I do admit that friendship, like any relationship, takes work. I challenge you to find a great friend and tell me that the work is not worth the effort. For, like marriage, some of the best friendships in the world may take the most work!

I consider myself blessed and lucky for every friendship I have, be it male or female. Every one of my friends brings out a different side of me, every one of them has taught me something, every one of them make me a better person.

To all of my friends..... I LOVE YOU MAN!

Choo choo

2010-04-09T12:46:00.002-04:00

It seems that the last few months, we have fallen off track. There are various excuses and reasons for this. But, needless to say, I feel like a train that is chugging along aimlessly through the woods and hitting a tree is inevitable.

So... the train conductors of Insane Chaos, formerly known as funachaosx4, have decided that we are steering our way into the nearest station.

We are overhauling this train... new paint, new assignments, new destinations, new expectations. We are rebuilding this train for maximum efficiency, cohesiveness, and fun.

We are expecting there to be setbacks, area's of tracks that need some fixing along the way, but watch out world because when we are fully functioning, after all improvements...Funchaosx4 will be back and better than ever!

Peace

2010-03-13T23:03:00.003-05:00

I have been very blessed my whole life to be able to have one set of grandparents alive. They lived very close. I spent a lot of time there growing up when my parents would need a babysitter or would go out of town.

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandpa include him yelling at me to put on an undershirt and making me take cod liver oil when he thought I may be getting sick. Man, how nasty that stuff was!

Grandpa was a wonderful man. I don't say that through tears of grief. I say that as a person who knew him well for almost 35 years. He was always healthy and active. He took numerous vitamins daily. He was even a bodybuilder in his youth, actually having been titled Mr. Universe back in his day :)

This is not to say he was perfect. Oh man, he wasn't. He was human. He was flawed. He could be grouchy. He could be selfish. He could be opinionated. Sometimes he could even be argumentative. He did not hide his feelings on any subject or person.

But for every imperfection, there were 2 or 3 perfections. He loved and adored my grandma, in the kind of way every girl hopes for! He loved his family, in spite of how crazy they drove him. He was one of the 1st people to hold Katie after she was born. He came to see the kids weekly when he could, in spite of how it tired him. He loved his classical music. He loved his slides. He loved to tinker with electronics, more often that not messing up the wires behind the TV so my dad would have to fix them. He loved politics. He was proud to have served in the military, in more than one branch. He loved to watch the news and read the newspaper.

My grandpa was a strong man. He hated how his body shut down at the end. Hated that he felt he was being a burden on anyone.

But man, how he loved my grandma doting on him. He called her baby and darling and beautiful. He told her he loved her and missed her when she was gone. She was his world and he hers. Even this last year in a nursing home couldn't have separated their love. Even death will not separate their love.

He was a very blessed man to have such a doting, loving, adoring wife. The admiration between them mutual.

The admiration between him and I mutual. Even in times of my rebellious youth. I knew that my grandpa would always be there. Even death will not stop that.

I may not be able to see him daily. I may not be able to hug his physical body. I may not ever rub his bald head, gag as I watch him eat his much loved sardines, pick on him for his big ears, dote over him as he moves across my living room.

Yes, I am sad that no more will I be able to share the physicalities of this life with him. But I am finding a peace and comfort unexpected in his passing. I know that he is still always there for me. I can talk to him daily, for his hearing is now perfect. I can smile because I know that he is holding my sweet baby Andrew. I am not sad that he will miss my birthday this year, because in my heart, he is and always will be here. I know he is watching, protecting, loving me now more than ever.

I am at peace because I know he knows how much I loved him and adored him. And I know I was his favorite granddaughter.

Grandpa, I love you so much. Someday we will be together again. In perfect bodies. In a perfect place! In the meantime, thank you for wonderful memories...wonderful guidance... I love you!

Love

2010-03-03T10:58:00.002-05:00

I was sitting this morning in silence while the kids were at school looking out the window.

In the quietness, I began to reflect on things within myself and my marriage.

Please Mr. Producer know that this is not intended as a laundry list of things you don't do. Rather this is me finding beauty in the things you do. Please realize honey that I am only sharing this with the world because, well, after talking with some friends, I realize that whether this is our marriage or theirs, everyone can benefit from reading this!

I love that he makes my coffee every morning, that he gets up with the kids in the morning and gets them dressed, fed and ready for school. In and of themselves, those are expressions of love!

For a while now, I have been realizing that the more I mother and wife, the more I long for Mr. Producer to do more romantic things with me and for me.

I long for him to turn off the tv and dance with me in the living room. I long for him to kiss me more, longer. I long for him to sit by the fire with me at night and just talk. I long for him to text me in the middle of the day, calling me beautiful and just saying I love you, whatcha doing.

These are the things that I need to hear...do...want to feel like more than his co-parent and roommate. These things to me are an important sign of love. They are a way of knowing he still sees me as his girlfriend yet with the security of being his wife. These are the things, more than the coffee that would show me his love.

Yet, as I am thinking of these longings, a bird flies by. Instantly, I am focusing more upward. I am likening my relationship with Mr. Producer much like my relationship with God.

I know by the gifts of my children, friends and family that my Lord loves me. He lets the sun rise every morning and the moon shine bright every night as a sign of his love. He gives the beach, the birds, the smell of rain as a gift.

Do I want more as a human than this, yes. Does he give the sun, moon, birds to everyone, yes. Do I want him to give me romantic moments, yes.

Yet, when I slow down, when I realize that phone call came from a friend at just the right moment. When I realize that another trip to the bathroom by one of the kids before we leave the house could have been the 1 thing that avoided us from an accident. When I realize that the dr. called when I was pregnant with Adam at just the same moment I lost Andrew, wanting me to come in immediately because they felt something wasn't right. When I realize that the rain fell on the day that I planted a garden. When the bird stops at my window, looks in and sings for a moment. These are the moments that I know God is romancing me. These are the times that I know he is showing me his love.

If I didn't stop for a moment and pay attention to these things, I may miss them. If I didn't look beyond the obvious to see the true meaning, I wouldn't recognize the moment for what its worth.

The same is true for Mr. Producer and I. If I didn't pause for a second and realize that he could in a quick state forget to make my coffee. That he could be grouchy and mean about me staying in bed. That he could ask me to work. That he could not give the kids a bath while I finish cleaning the kitchen so we could both relax together.

If I didn't pay attention to the little moments, the gentle expressions of love, I could take them for granted. I could believe he does those things because he has too.

Do I still want him to dance with me, kiss me, romance me, in the way that I want him too, YES!

Do I still want God to let me be financially free, allow Mr. Producer to work from home, give me perfect children. YES!

For today, will I look beyond what I want and enjoy what they give. YES! Will I spend a little more time today appreciating their love. YES!

(but Mr. Producer, if you turn off the tv tonight and dance with me, I wouldn't turn you down :)

I LOVE YOU!

Thank you God and Mr. Producer for the daily expressions of love!!!

Just so you know

2010-02-28T22:56:00.003-05:00

Hi.... My name's Tracy...aka...mommy, honey, wife, baby, Trace, farmer girl, girlfriend.......

I have a confession.... you can't tell anyone though! It's got to be our secret, or you'll ruin my identity....

I am so completely imperfect....

I don't floss daily.
I have ongoing issue's with ants.
I use incorrect spelling in my texts.
I hate doing the checkbook.
I dream of being rich and paying someone to do the laundry.
I stay up too late.
I am best left alone the first 20min I am awake.
I have cheated at a game in order to win.
I pout.
I like to use a good swear word now and again.
I can sorta get mad easily and then may or may not feel bad afterward.
I have stretch marks and like to blame it on having twins.
I am addicted to facebook, dark chocolate and the gym.
I sometimes ignore phone calls.
I laugh when other people do stupid things.
I wish I had potty trained the cat.
I occasionally smoke.
I can be needy.
I have spanked first then realized that at that exact moment my child may or may not have needed it.
I don't have my tupperware organized.
I don't actually own tupperware.
I spend too much money on designer coffee.
I can not draw.
I don't like science.
I think I can do everything on my own.
I really don't like playing Don't Break The Ice.
I sometimes operate on autopilot.
I hold things against people but say I don't.
I love having a few hours to myself.
I think dumb and dumber is really dumb.
I am nowhere as organized as I use to be
I am way too concerned about cleanliness.
I pretend I don't feel the kids sneak into bed most nights because I am too lazy to take them back to their beds.
I am sorta a freak about numbers and where things belong.

I am sure the list goes on and on, but I don't want you to quit reading entirely!

So, the next time you are feeling bad about yourself... remember that even I am not perfect.....

Shhhhhhhhhh :)

Courtesy

2010-02-27T00:13:00.005-05:00

****** DISCLAIMER... this is NOT directed at any of my family or friends. Do not feel pointed out or guilty (unless you are :) lol)) ******

This is a soapbox blog. I reserve the right to do this from time to time :) Its my chaos, my world, my blog, my right..... ;)

I have to question where common courtesy went.

I am going to sound like my grandparents when I say.... "I remember when..."

But, really, I do remember when people were courteous.

Where did that go and why?

Have we gotten so use to talking in text and IM that we have dehumanized and desensitized ourselves to the social politeness of caring people?

Sitting at Starbucks tonight having coffee with a friend, I observed a lady hold the door open for a couple that she was not with. Neither party in this said couple made an attempt to hold the door for each other in place of her. Furthermore, neither of the couple said thank you to this woman.

REALLY?

Was their time and energy so much more valuable than hers that they could not be bothered to remark on her kindness?

(before you comment and say, maybe they were deaf and unable to speak, they weren't!)

I have taught all 4 of the funchaos kids that they do not get anything without saying please and thank you! This is not negotiable. Yes, sometimes they need a gentle reminder, but for the most part, this is embedded into them! There is no negotiation on this!

Yet, I have witnessed on more than one occasional a fellow classmate or an occasional friend that routinely do not include these simple niceties in their day to day vocabulary.

Really, are we as a society not teaching out children the fundamental value that everyone deserves to be treated with politeness. Yes, everyone!

I am honest enough to admit that yes, I have had times where I have cut someone off in traffic because I was in a hurry or I have huffed at the person in line with 16 items in the express lane and yes, I have felt bad later for it!

I do not think my time, my energy or my words are any more important than yours!

Lately, I have become a texting addict. Now I know a couple people who for various reason's do not text.

I have to admit that I do frequently text in their presence. I don't really think about it being rude, but one such friend finds it very offensive. In their opinion, it feels like I am ignoring them to talk to someone else. At first I denied that fact, stating that I wasn't really "talking" with anyone else. Yet, the more I began to think about this the more I have to admit, they are right.

For me, texting comes with the same courtesies as any other form of conversation. That said, I absolutely hate when I am in the middle of a texting conversation and the other person disappears. Now, I realize we all get busy, we get carried away at work, we get called into a meeting, we have to break up a sibling squabble, change a diaper, whatever. BUT, I am talking about the total absolute none response from mid conversation, even a long time later, even enough to say, brb or gtg! To me this is the same as walking away in the middle of a person to person conversation!

Because I too have been guilty of this, I will admit it! If I have done this to you, I am terribly sorry, please forgive me!

Little man has begun to IM via fb. I have had to explain to him that even this form of communication requires him to be polite. Say thank you when someone asks how he is. Inquire how they are feeling in return. Say good bye when you are done talking. Yes, you are just punching letters on a keyboard, but there is a person on the other end of your keyboard. Even though you can't see them, they are there!

The other night I was driving home. It was dark and sort of late. There was a lost puppy running in the road. There was no thought involved on my part when I pulled over to help this puppy and I'm sure, its sad owner. I was happy to say that with me, 2 other cars pulled over to help.

A few months ago, I accidentally ran out of gas. I had the 3 little's in the car with me. It was the middle of the day, a very busy intersection. 4 lanes of traffic separated me and the gas station. I immediately put on my hazards. Embarrassed and crying, I called the closest person to me, my mom, to come to my rescue. Thankfully, she did. But in the meantime sitting there waiting for her to show up, I was passed by 3 police men and probably 200 other cars. The ONLY person to stop and ask if I needed help was a young girl, probably in her very early 20's. That's it, no one else. Not the men in work trucks, the police officer's who swore to protect and serve, the hundreds of other people so involved in their day, their worlds.

Now, I too have been guilty of passing by a person in need. Mostly this is done out of fear, I always have the kids with me. Yet, I have on more than one occasion stopped when I have witnessed an accident or rolled my window down and asked if someone needed help or me to make a phone call.

These simple acts do not make me a hero. They make me human. They make me compassionate. They remind me, my kids that everyone's life has value. That we are here to help each other, to be courteous!

There are so many little ways we can help each other, we can be polite and courteous, that it seems too easy. There are so many ways to be kind and compassionate that when we blatantly choose to overlook them, it seems that much more rude!

I pray daily that I continue to instill in my children this simple value.

When someone says hi, answer them. When someone opens the door for you, say thank you. When you ask for anything, anything at all, always say please and thank you when it is given. When you hurt someone either accidentally or on purpose, apologize. When you are conversing with someone, regardless of what method you are using, don't be rude and walk away. When someone says how are you, respond and ask how they are in return, whether you care or not isn't important. When you see someone in trouble offer to help them. When you don't want something, say no thank you! If you say you are going to do something, do it!

We are all busy, we are all important. Everyone has somewhere to be, someone to talk to. Everyone's time, energy, love is just as important as the next persons.

Be courteous!

Soapbox empty now.... If you've ready this far, thank you! If you have seen yourself in this post, I am sorry! If I have been un-courteous to you, I am deeply sorry! If you are compelled to say something, leave me a comment, but please be courteous :)

wanderlust

2010-02-26T09:25:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the urge strikes to just run away....

To turn your back on the chores at hand...

To forget about the to-do list, the obligations, the technology, the seeming worries and burdens....

Sometimes, the wanderlust hits and you want to leave it all behind...

Then if your like me, you call your voice of reason.

And you are reminded that you are indeed very blessed, very lucky, very loved.

Even if the reminder comes in the form of a stern no!

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words and hear what isn't said.

The chores will be there when you return.

The to-do list, the obligations a reminder of all the things you do because you love.

The worry and burdens, simply taken care of by prayer and faith. If not for that, then they will be taken with you anyway!

Sometimes, you just have to play a game of Uno Moo with a sweet, loving, bright, beautiful 3 year old to remember, enjoy and appreciate that you don't need to get away.... that everything you need is within your reach...

Thanks voice of reason and said 3 year old to remind me of what I have known all along.... I am one lucky wife and mother!

I love you all!

future photogs

2010-02-24T23:40:00.008-05:00

Now that we are 3, we are learning all kinds of new things........

Is this thing on?
I think I see something

Yep, it's working

Does my syrup masterpiece look blurry to you?

Aaaah, clear.....that will look better in my portfolio

Camera shy or guilty party?

I don't know about this....

Okay, let me fix my hair

Shhh. Don't tell mom, ok? My first head shot.....

I should have gotten dressed this morning. It's okay, Jason, no one will know it's you.....

Let's work on framing.....

No, no, it's all in the lighting....

Did you hear that? Is mom coming?

Action shot... glad you got dressed

Take a picture of our birthday present, our new game

Wait, I think my finger is in the way.....

Oh, that's better.........

Now watch us learn to zoom

Closer

Closer.......

CLOSER......

Gotta go... mom's coming......

P.S. KEEP OUR SECRET, DON'T TELL ON US, OKAY?

Bird

2010-02-21T22:55:00.003-05:00

wow. little man, I can not believe you are 3!

I can not believe that for 1098 nights I have gone to bed and thanked God that you are here. From the moment of your conception, I prayed that you would be born healthy. And even though we had some tough days immediately after your birth, I am even more blessed than I deserve to be.

Oh Jason, you are the consummate baby! While some may see this as a bad thing or being weak, I quite honestly view it as just the opposite.

You have learned very early on in life that there is something to be said for sitting back and watching. That sometimes, you learn just as much by watching without actually doing.

You were like that with walking, talking, potty training. Becca was first to do all those things and you were content to learn from watching her. Almost immediately when you began to walk, talk, use the potty it was with few mistakes.

You have learned that sometimes it is easier to let the girls have their way. To let them be the boss. You will make a great husband some day :)

You are the most like your dad in the respect. You are very laid back. Yet, when you want to stand your ground, you rarely back down. You don't get mad easily, you take out most of what is dished your way but you won't let yourself get beat up either.

I worry sometimes that because they outnumber you, that the girls take advantage of you. But of all the kids, you are the one that is happiest to play by yourself and the most vocal about telling the others to leave you alone.

Often times, it seems the girls don't know how to play alone or be alone. But, you are comfortable being alone in a way that even a lot of adults are not!

A friend made a comment a few days ago that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. As soon as I heard those words, I immediately thought of you! The indication there though is that you are intentionally doing something wrong because you know permission will not be granted. Rarely is that the case with you I think. Usually, I think it is simply that you act first and think later.

While this trait may get you a few more spanking than the other kids. It can also serve you well later in life if you use it correctly. I can see you most being either a public servant or an engineer of some sort. Either profession can benefit and often requires you to do and then think.

Jason, you have never lost that beautiful grin or the big bright eyes you had as an infant. You have also never lost your big heart. You are so full of love. You would give up anything for anyone. You see the value in everything, from a cock roach to a person. You are the one most likely to go with anyone, rarely seeing the bad in a person. You have the amazing ability to be both a fighter and a lover. To be curious and excited over the big things, the stars...airplanes to the little things, ants...m & m's. You love to cuddle and give and receive hugs!

There is no doubt my little blonde angel that from conception, you had to fight to be here. You are strong. You are sweet. You are perfect!

I am looking forward to the challenges, laughs, hugs, learning, experiences, memories, cuddles and fun that this year brings.

Your curiosity and joy at life make it both fun and exciting to be your mommy! I am proud to say you are my son!

I love you JJ bird!

Eeyore

2010-02-14T12:50:00.003-05:00

What is it about Valentines Day that brings out the Eeyore in us girls?

Really, I'll be the first to agree that the holiday is a horrible attempt by hallmark, Whitman's, Russell Stovers and the floral and jewelery industry to convince us women our men need to purchase these unhealthy, expiring, overpriced items on a very specific day to prove their love to us.

Even acknowledging this attempt doesn't diminish the desire for or need to have this archaic display of affection.

With that being said... My dear friend Eeyore, I need to let you know you are not alone in your desire and need for affection... for the reaffirmation of love... for wanting to know you rock his world... for needing to occasionally hear him say you are his world!!

We all have days where we feel unloved, unattractive and just needed! We all have times where we want to be more than the wife. We want to be treated, loved, romanced like a girlfriend! Sadly my friend, I don't think they get it! We all have times where we want to dance in the living room, we want them to pick us up when they kiss us, make us feel like we are in a movie, where we want random love letters, an out of the blue text... gift... flowers... card... sweet gesture of love. Unasked, simply because they want to!

But, pick your head up Eeyore! We are luckier than most. We have great men. We have men that are wonderful husbands, that even though they may not tell or show us as often as we'd like... even though they don't dance with us in the living room, they do adore us! We are lucky to have men who are great fathers. Who love their jobs, their lives, who work hard to provide for us. We are lucky they do come home to us every night, who long for us when they are away. Who would admit if presses that we are their world! You just have to look into their eyes, hold their hand, kiss their lips to know for sure.

So know that today and everyday, without flowers... chocolate... cards... jewelry.......... They do think we are a princess and not an Eeyore... (thanks for noticing me... :)

Bear Bear

2010-02-09T14:25:00.005-05:00

I remember holding you in the hospital for the 1st time. It was just you and me, alone. I was still pretty drugged up and very worried about your brother. You were fine, healthy as could be, just being kept in NICU, guilty by association. The nurse brought you to me. I remember looking at how little you were, so excited to be able to nurse you, hold you! When you were done nursing, I laid you on the bed, unwrapped you, counted 10 toes. I looked at your cute little belly. Your eyes wide open. Staring at me as I talked to you. The sound of my voice bringing recognition and soothing to you. I honestly remember feeling so wrapped up in concern for your brother (and the kids at home) that I wasn't overcome with emotion for you! I knew you were healthy, I was happy you were born, happy, safe, here finally.

The first year of your life is a blur of breastfeeding, diaper changing, crying, sleeping. The next year was made of learning. You mastered walking, talking, eating, laughing, loving.

For you the age of 2 has been wonderful! There were no terrible 2's for you!
This has been the year you have developed your personality and come out of your shell.

Of all the kids Rebecca, I think you are the most like me! You get mad very easily, then forgive and forget just as quickly! You don't let others in easily but when you do they are in for life. You love to randomly say I love you. You know how those 3 little words don't need to be said but how they put a smile on the face of the person hearing them. You are passionate. You are very independent and strong. You don't want to admit you need help. Often you will ask for it then just as quickly change your mind, saying you can do it yourself! You love to help others, you like to be close, to cuddle, to hug, to kiss. But you also walk away when you need your space. You freely admit that you need time alone. You love to please people. You are your happiest when everyone around you is happy, content and loved. It makes you nervous and upset when people are mad, yelling, fighting. You love to laugh and giggle and fall into giggling fits that are very contagious! You have some very cute, quirky habits that I just can't help but love.

I am so looking forward to watching you continue to develop your personality this year. It is bittersweet to watch you grow. On one hand, I am sad to see you leave a stage behind and on the other I am excited to watch you learning and exploring! You have a shy curiousity about you that is both sweet and endearing.

I love watching you and Katie grow closer as sisters and friends. Yet, it is sweet to watch that you and Jason have not lost your special bond of being twins!

I hope that this coming year brings even more wonderful memories, places to visit, things to learn.

I am proud to be your mommy and I love you Becca bear.......

animalistic

2010-02-06T01:33:00.003-05:00

Last year for Valentines day, Mr. Producer stole my heart again when in a simple little box he gave me 2 eggs as a gift... the promise of my future chickens... see blog and photos here.

This year, he has done it again... by agreeing to let me have this adorable, sweet, loving baby...

Of course, the best Valentines day gift ever has been and will continue to be his love....

But this little brown fuzzy peanut runs a VERY close second...

Stay tuned for a name for this little guy and some family photos :)

Thank you Mr. Producer... Happy early Valentines Day!

I love you

Greatness

2010-01-28T22:57:00.003-05:00

I am a firm believer in the fact that some things in life can not be taught!

There was an article in the paper last week that talked about what makes a great teacher. This article quotes "States must try to identify great teachers, figure out how they got that way and then create more of them".

Really... Really?

UGH!

Why do we as a people think that we can analyze anything for its greatness and replicate that? What an incredibly arrogant thought.

Greatness is anything is not something that can be measured, observed, taught.

Greatness is a gift, something innate to you.

Greatness can be in many different area's. Whether you are great at your job, hobby, relationships or many area's, your area of greatness can be the same as other people you know, but it is still unique to you!

For example, Mr. Producer works with some incredibly gifted people in the area of running a camera, seeing a vision, getting a shot. 2 of the best people I know he works with have absolutely no formal training, no degree. However, he also works with people that have 2 degrees in that field and they are, well, not great!

I know some people that are great parents, even though they may have become a parent very young. Yet, we have other friends that well, are not great parents.

You can pick a profession, any profession, whether it is one that requires a degree or not and identify people that are great at it! They do not do their job for the money, for the recognition. They do their job, whether it is being a teacher, tv producer, car salesman, police officer, nurse, bank teller, parent because they like it.

Great teachers, like great anything else, can not be made.

People can be taught new things, they can be shown new improved ways, they can be encouraged, guided, helped. BUT, being great at something is ingrained in the very fiber of your soul, it is not something you can learn!

Anybody agree/disagree.... I'd love to hear your thoughts!

here goes....

2010-01-27T22:59:00.004-05:00

As most of you know, I have really made it a concentrated effort to get healthy!

At the encouragement of some of you, I am coming clean with inches and weight lost... AND an embarrassing before picture!

I began to make getting healthy a top priority in August. I did this quietly, without any fan fare or forewarning to anyone! Nope, not even Mr. Producer knew! Having tried and quiet before, I didn't want to publicly (yep, even to my own husband) admit that it may happen again.

There is no secret diet I followed, no magic pill, no special new exercise. I did it the old fashioned way... I ate less, better and exercised more! I go without nothing. I still have a reese's peanut butter cup or chips or rice if I want it. But, I make up for it by doing without other stuff or by doing more cardio that day!

I am not going to break it down into individual body parts... here goes...

I have lost a total of 30lbs and 28" overall inches!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!
I still have days where I don't want to work out, where I want to eat nothing but junk food, where I think I am still the girl in the size 12/14 and am taken back by wearing a 6/8.

I am not perfect, I don't have the answers, I am not a professional! I am just a girl, on a journey, trying to lead by example! I still have 10 more pounds I want to lose, I want to be a definite size 6, but I can appreciate how far I have come. I can enjoy shopping. I can be proud of myself for sticking with eat, eating healthier and feeling better!

ugh....before

middle-ish

pretty recent

I am not looking for accolades, I am just sharing! Mel, you were my inspiration. Baby, you are my encourager. Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement!!!! It helps, truly it does!

writing

2010-01-11T13:14:00.002-05:00

I LOVE WORDS! I think I love written words better than spoken ones.

It seems there is more honesty in writing. There is a comfort in being able to express yourself fully without another person staring at you... in being able to have time to compose your thoughts...in deleting the words you didn't mean to say or don't come out how you mean them.

I find that for me the reader there is a peace in reading someone's writing, especially as it is directed at you! I feel as though I have the chance to compose my thoughts...to plan my rebuttle...to think through how the writer may actually be feeling.

It seems there is less anger in written words. There is less of a chance to say something you may not mean. There is more thought.

This is why I blog.... why I text..... why I write letters!!!

If you have been on the receiving end of a blog, letter, text or have sent me one of the above lately... know that I cherish every word!!!!! :)

a picture

2010-01-04T20:18:00.005-05:00

Oh squirt!

The tears, hot on my cheeks, barely held in long enough to put your brothers and sisters to bed!

The face the world sees, the story the world hears, the girl the world knows. Sometimes, it is all a facade. Even the strong cry! Even the sure are weak. Even the heart full of joy cries. Even the blessed have regrets.

The kids came across your box tonight! Their attitude of you so accepting. They feel no sadness, they embrace the fact that you are in heaven waiting for them, watching over them. They are eager to soak up information of you. Slightly, they are jealous that they never got to see their brother. Their angel. Their Andrew.

I shared with them the treasured physical joys that remain of your brief but wonderful time here. The blanket, half the size of a full term babies. The booties and cap, way too small for even a baby doll. The measuring tape was held against various size babies to show them how tiny you were. The shell used to baptize you. Adam took pictures of everything, so sweet and quiet he processes any mention of you. Katie looked at the ultrasound picture and said, it sure is dark in there. Becca and Jason ooohed and aaahed over everything. Katie remarking about how much she missed you! Becca just saying, my angel. Jason loved how cute the little things are. So heartwarming, sweet, gentle and tender to share these precious momento's with your siblings. So wonderful to hear their easy acceptance, their joy for you without the pain.

I can talk about you for hours without tears. I look at your feet on mine and don't get sad. I think of you and smile.

Tonight, oh sweet boy.... tonight.... I smelled the cap that you wore and I swear I still smell you! Even that didn't make me cry. Sad, yes. But not cry.

I thought, so blinded by a mothers love, that I could share the only picture we have of you with your siblings. I foolishly thought it was better than I remembered. Quickly, before I could change my mind, I dug it out from its safe spot. OH Peanut.... my heart breaks.... For a moment I am simply a mother who has loved and lost! I am only a mommy who longs for another chance. My breath is taken away at the picture of you. It is quite simply, quite honestly the hardest... most beautiful...saddest...most wonderful and heartbreaking picture I own!

I don't know if the tears I cry are anger at not being able to share your picture with the world or tears of regret for not thinking to take our own or tears of saddness that even 9.5 years later, sometimes it still hurts or tears of joy over thinking of and talking about you!

I do not regret you. I do not deny you. I will take the pain over never having had you anyday! I only regret that I do not have a picture worthy of sharing with the whole world!

Someday, when the kids are older, I will share your picture with them.

Until then, my sweet baby, I leave you with Katie's made-up song at bedtime.

"I love my Andrew, I miss my Andrew, I'm happy for my Andrew"

I LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY!!!!!

and we start anew

2009-12-26T01:58:00.007-05:00

I always look forward to a new year. It is sort of like a new day, only longer, a clean slate... a chance to reflect, grow, improve, ponder, clean. A time of hope for positive things to come in the year ahead. I always try to greet the new year as a time to get the house reorganized after Christmas.Before we can move forward though, it is only fitting we put 2009 to bed.
The twins turned 2, Katie 4, Adam 8......WOW! The only times in their lives they will be half each others age!!!! Cute, trivia :)
There have been sooo many changes this year. Some hoped for, some surprising, some sad, none can be taken back.There are a couple things I swore I would never do and did. A few I didn't do but wanted to.

Old friendships were rekindled. New friendships formed. Continuing friendships developed deeper.There was more than anyone's fair share of tears. There was also more love than I could have imagined or hoped for.The kids switched rooms, went on a lot of trips, had a couple medical visits and experienced their first car accident. They also participated in football and dance.There were trials, tribulations, questions. Even better, there were hugs, happiness, hope.This year brought a few less diapers and a lot more laundry!This year was also kind enough to bring smaller clothes, healthier eating, an addiction to running... as well as a continued love of dark chocolate and cooking and eating.
Mr. Producer visited new states and even better, new countries; while I got a tattoo and pierced my nose.The house enjoyed some much needed remodeling.We have had a couple additions to the family, 5 chickens, 1 bunny and 1 hamster. We have also had a couple losses, 2 chickens and 1 bunny :(Trips to the beach, disney, parks, church, family and friends house have brought memories and stories we will forever share and cherish.
Even with all the changes, there have been constants aplenty this year.
Our families support, encouragement, love. Our ability to laugh, work hard, embrace challenges and learn from them, and love.
We may not know what 2010 holds for us. We all have wishes, plans and goals. But there are no guarantees in life. We are all eager and ready for whatever the new year brings. The only thing we know for certain is that it will bring continued love, fun and chaos (and lots of wii playing)...... ENJOY!With love to family, friends and fans......may God bless you with the best year yet! And the urge to leave me more comments :)

Traditions

2009-12-26T00:37:00.002-05:00

Growing up, I always wanted to be at the grown-up table, not because it seemed more fun, but because it seemed so mysterious...

While it may have seemed boring that they just sat around and talked, there was always something to wonder what they were talking about.

Constantly told to go play, I was always curious and convinced, there were great secrets being told. Conversations being discussed that were inappropriate for little ears.

Not once in my youth did I ponder that perhaps the conversations being discussed were work, finances, friends, free-time, or heaven forbid, the very kids being shooed away.

As I grew up to be a teen and young adult, I viewed these secret table or relaxing around the living room discussions as the most boring of times.

Today, as an adult, lucky enough to take part in these conversations, I can attest to the fact that they are in fact one of my favorite holiday traditions.

It seems that every year Mr. Producer and I add traditions to our Christmas season. Some are so sadly missed if the opportunity does not allow us to partake and others, well, quite honestly, they cause me stress, but they are part of our yearly traditions.

In no particular order, here are a list of our traditions.....

Helping out my church serve food and adopt a family less fortunate than out own.
Buying a new ornament for each member of the family to signify something that happened that year.
Walking around our city park and looking at Christmas lights.
Going out to dinner, fast food & totally unhealthy, before we embark on driving around and looking at christmas lights.
Opening a present on Christmas eve.
Going to Christmas eve service.
Buying each other our own personal wrapping paper.
Writing down goals for the next year, both individual and as a family.
Eating the same Christmas dinner cooked lovingly by my father in law.
Eating cinammon rolls for breakfast on Christmas morning.
Setting out cookies of course, and carrots for the reindeer.
Tracking Santa on Christmas eve.
Setting up the Nativity scene.
Discussing each ornament as we hang it on the tree.
Staying up too late Christmas Eve.
Napping Christmas day.
Losing or forgetting a present :)
Watching the kids Christmas play and going out to breakfast afterwards.
Having an extended family Christmas party.
Opening the advent calendar.
Cuddling next to the tree.
Drinking too much coffee.
And yes, sitting around the grown-up table, talking, laughing and being reminded of how blessed we really are with great friends, family, health and love on this fun, chaos of a journey, we call life.

So, whether you are a bah humbug or you thoroughly enjoy Christmas, you can't escape traditions, they are what makes your family unique!

Tell me what are some of yours?

MERRY CHRISTMAS........

forging ahead

2009-12-21T23:55:00.004-05:00

Usually I write letters to you guys on your birthdays but somehow it seemed fitting to write a letter to you tonight.I put you guys to sleep in my room tonight so that your daddy could repaint your room and turn it into a princess haven. It was so bittersweet to cuddle with both of you together. Reminiscent of days gone bye. As you have gotten older the chance to snuggle with you both at the same time has turned into more of a battle than an enjoyment. Tonight however, you both seemed to sense that changes were coming. You argued not over who got to be closer to mommy but of wanting to be by each other.For 3.5 years (if you count since conception) you guys have slept together (at least in the same room) nightly (with the exception of about 10 NICU days). Even when you were struck with the stomach flu last year, you...me...daddy all slept together. Most things you guys have done together. You may have learned to walk or talk at different times, but you still did it together. You guys still wake up in the morning or from nap time and play together for a while before you join the rest of the family. You still ask for each other when you are not together.Tomorrow will be the move from the big kid room & babies room to the boys & girls rooms.You guys are ready to be with your same sex counterpart. Jason and your love of all things boy and Becca your desire to be just like your "best sister in the whole wide world, Katie".I hope you become closer to your siblings. Mostly Jason and Adam. Not that you aren't close, but your age spread has been more of a disadvantage to you two than the girls. Yet, I so hope and pray that you never lose the special bond you to have. The ability to communicate in half sentences and looks or mere grunts.
You guys are unique in your right as siblings. I envy you that. You complete each other in ways nobody else, even your spouses, ever will. I am glad that you are opposites, it makes you each so very unique. Yet, you are each others yin to yang and I hope you always will be.
So, while it will be bittersweet to separate you two tomorrow, it will also be cute to watch you guys forge new ways independent of each other. I do wonder if you will carve out alone time just for each other, if you will sneak into each others rooms or beds. For even now, sleeping in my bed, you are turned into, facing each other. We have always said that you guys let us into your world. May you hang on to that world in spite of not constantly being right next to each other. And may you always know and appreciate how lucky you are to have a twin.
I love you my big kids....my boy and girl...my twins...forever my babies....

ask and recieve

2009-12-06T22:45:00.007-05:00

I wanted someone who would dance in the living room with me
*** I got someone who makes my coffee every morning ***

I wanted someone who would tell me I am beautiful
*** I got someone who allows me to stay home & raise our children ***

I wanted someone who made me feel like a princess
*** I got someone who doesn't complain when the house isn't clean ***

I wanted someone smooth, fun, exciting, intoxicating
*** I got someone honest, faithful, loving ***

I wanted someone to sit on the couch and snuggle with me all night long
*** I got someone who forces me to sit down at the end of a long day ***

I wanted someone daring, exotic, mysterious
*** I got someone who is laid back, goofy, unfailing ***

I wanted someone to "cuddle" with in the rain, under the stars
*** I got someone who will go to the store in the middle of the night in the rain ***

I wanted someone who would make me his world
*** I got someone who has given me the world x 4 ***

I asked for someone perfect
*** I got someone perfect for me ***

Remember the best things in life are not what you ask for, but what you are given.....

Happy 12 years Mr. Producer!

I LOVE YOU!

Katie's candy

2009-12-06T21:45:00.004-05:00

Tonight Mr. Producer, amazing girl, little man and I went and volunteered with my church at a dinner and Christmas gift giving party for displaced families. This is one of the highlights of the Christmas season for me. Often, I am not ready to embrace Christmas, I simply go through the motions, before this blessed event occurs. Every year I leave humbled and thankful for the chance to be able to serve and love others. I am even more thankful that I get to pass this on to my children.

So, tonight, feeling all warm and fuzzy from hearts full of selflessness, we come home to open the advent calendar. With 4 kids, it is up to the discretion of the parent (usually based on their behavior that day) who gets to open the calendar and subsequently eat the chocolate candy inside. Tonight, Mr. Producer told all the kids that they got to pick who did this coveted job. Fully expecting Adam and Katie, with hearts full of love and God's grace to say "let so-and-so have it", I could only roll my eyes heavenward with a prayer and I say when they began to fight over it. Of course, doing anything Katie does, Becca immediately began to join in. When daddy asked Jason who should have it, he said.... Becca....

Can you guess who got the candy?

So, later when the tears (yes, tears over a piece of candy) died down and the older 2 were ready to talk, I used the candy as an opportunity to talk with the kids about being selfless, loving, and kind. We talked about the difference between being kind and being nice. We discussed listening to God instead of listening to satan. We discussed the reason we celebrate Christmas.

(which for the record goes a little something like this. The kids know that Jesus was born for us. They know he was born to save us. As for Christmas, we talk about what gifts we can give Jesus, our hearts, belief and love (katie also includes toys and chocolates, I'm pretty sure Jesus is a fan of chocolate :). Then we talk about how everyone gets presents on their birthday but that Jesus doesn't need presents, so he has santa bring presents (and chocolate if your katie) to all the good kids) theology lesson over

The children are intently listening. They are agreeing, nodding their heads when appropriate. They are answering my question, they are talking about God's love, they are saying how great it felt to give to others.

I wrap all this up with asking what they can do tomorrow to be able to open the calendar and eat the chocolate.... and with all the seriousness of a 4 year old, with all the love of the Lord inside her, Katie so earnestly responds........

Wait and do the calendar when all my brothers and sister are in bed.........

I love you Katie!

Me, defined

2009-11-30T14:48:00.001-05:00

For those who are real close, you know lately has been a time of ugh in our house. We have had late nights trying to figure out what is right for our family. We have had temper tantrums, by both kids and adults. We have had periods of self discovery. We have made mistakes. Some of us have even done things that have shocked some of you. To say that our house has had trying times lately has been an understatement. Yet, I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world. The last few months have taught me about, me.

You live with yourself, your thoughts...emotions...feelings for so long that I think most of us just go with the flow of who we are.

Until we have a moment...day...week...event that shakes us. Until you have a it-won't-happen-to-me-event.

Now, most of you thought that moment for me was Andrew. At the time, I am sure it was. However, this year has brought a couple of those events for me personally.

I have had many moments this year where I have done things I swore I never would. I have had relationships tested. Beliefs challenged. Ideal's changed. Growth occuring.

I started out this year so sure of who I was... a wife... a mother... a child of God... a friend... a daughter... grand daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt.

But, somewhere along the way this year, it felt like I was all those things and nothing!

Somewhere along the way, I began to feel like I had lost me. I became so busy doing for everybody else, that I did nothing for me. So lost in the routine of life, I began to operate on auto pilot. The jobs, demands of the day still getting done, but the heart and soul behind them was quiet.

I still loved my kids, family deeply. I still gave hugs & kisses as needed, when asked, without reason. I still helped, gladly, willingly anyone that needed it. But, there was a piece of me missing. My husband will vouch. So will some friends.

There was a part of me that was shorter fused. Easier to aggravate. Quicker to yell. (by the way, this is contagious and not good, lol :)

It felt like the more demands that were placed on me, the more I wanted to back away. The more questions asked, the more silent I wanted to be. The more people wanted me to go back to being me, the more I couldn't... at least on the inside.

Now some of you are wondering who in there right mind would publish this for the world to see. You are questioning my motives, my reason... no doubt, maybe rightly so!

Consider this my public apology. For those of you who were use to me making the 1st step, phone call...I am sorry that I have stopped doing that. For those of you who were use to occupying all my time when not with my family, it may feel I have deserted you. I am sorry. And I haven't.

These past few months have brought about some very new friends and some re-aquainting with some very beloved old friends. I couldn't be happier!

Now, on to the real sappy part (bleh, lol)-------- I love each and everyone of you. Family, friends!

I am checking back into my life. My heart and soul has finished its break.

However, if you are expecting your phone to start ringing daily, it probably won't. If you are expecting me to want to be with you all the time, I won't.

I regret nothing I have done lately. I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I have learned who I am...

I am still a wife... mother... daughter... friend... child of God... all those other things. I still relish some roles more than others.

But, I have learned I am so much more than the titles placed upon me.

I am strong. I am the girl who can be found listening to either country, christian, or pop music depending on the moment. I love to exercise. I have come to depend on making that a part of my day. I love to shop. I love to cook. I love to hang out with my friends. I love to be alone. I love to go out on a Saturday night and dance. I love to go to church on Sunday morning. I hate to do laundry but I realize it is in its own way a declaration of my love. I love my chickens, cat and yes, hamster. I long for a dog. I love my tattoo, if you aren't sure why then you haven't read this post. I love my nose piercing, no not because it makes me different, but because I think it is cute, fun, spunky, my husband loves it and you only live once. I love God! Not because it is the cool thing to do, but because He is the only one who loves me and accepts me totally. I am a huge fan of dressing up, kissing, my cool kids, cuddling, talking. I love my husband, he...me...us are so far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I am going to quit trying so hard, giving...planning...doing so much. I am going to let others have some control... some initiation... some say so! (for the record, this will be a work in progress, lol) I am finding that I think the human mind is way cool; the reasons we do things, consciously and subconsciously is very fascinating. I am the girl who misses teaching but is not ready to leave my kids to go back. I am the girl who wants to write a novel. I am the girl who is not creative but has a great imagination. I have always said that I do not need anyone in my life but want everyone that is in it, in whatever capacity they are in it --- I am that girl!

So, while there are some physical and behavioral changes that may have occurred in the last few months, I am still the same girl I use to be, only slightly more sure of myself, my believes, my love, my life!

Welcome to my world.......

Human

2009-11-17T20:57:00.004-05:00

Many of my friends, including my single mom friends, have stated on numerous occasions that they honestly don't know how I do it. This statement usually follows a conversation about Mr. Producers job and the hours involved or something not so pleasant the kids have done...

My standard response is that I just do... That I have no choice... That the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle!

A couple friends have even said that I am more machine that human. This has never been said as a derogatory statement, but rather to indicate that I am seemingly tireless. That I can and usually do, do everything. That I rarely let things get to me.

I have even had 1 or 2 friends tell me that I could be a single mom. That Mr. Producers hours and traveling are long enough, that there are times where I am. I have been known to agree with this statement more than once.

Well, let me set the record straight tonight.... I AM HUMAN!!!!

The extended weekends that Mr. Producer is out of town, I lovingly refer to as flying solo. I usually look forward to my own time with the kids. The chance to keep the TV off in the evening, to go to bed when I want to, to eat the foods/meals he doesn't like. In fact, when he is home for extended periods of time, we have both been known to look at each other and jokingly ask when he is leaving again.

When Mr. Producer is in town, it is not uncommon for us to talk via text or phone a dozen or so times a day! Of course, we have the evenings or nights together too. Whether we are talking or watching TV or doing our own separate thing, we are still together, in the same house, neighborhood, city, state, country. When he is out of town, even across the country, we still talk via text or phone calls, extensively. There are times where we are on the phone for an hour or more at night, sometimes talking, other times just watching a TV show together.

When we found out he would be traveling out of the country we immediately inquired of our cell phone carrier if his phone would work overseas, how much it would cost per minute to talk, how much texts were. With our new found knowledge and his new global rental phone, we thought we were prepared for his departure. We decided ahead of time that due to prices we would only talk via text and that 1 day midweek he would call and we would all be able to say hi and hear each others voices.

I thought I was okay with this. I thought I would relish a whole week alone. I had dinner menu's planned, food I knew he would never eat. I have a couple girls nights planned. I couldn't wait to NOT listen to the blasted TV nightly.

That is, until the text came in today (via a coworker) that his phone was not working... AT ALL!!!!!

In that instance I became aware of exactly how I "do it". That 1 little text, so full of a weeks worth of silence, I realized what I have that a single mom doesn't. In those 3 lines, I knew how lucky I was.

I "do it" because I have the love of my best friend. I have a man who for better or worse, loves me. He is there for me. He knows me, in ways that no one else does. He shares my memories. He loves our children. Even when he is out of town, we still talk, he is still there. Even when we are mad at each other and choosing not to talk, we are still there for each other. I know that at any moment I can call him. I know that even if I am being annoying and bothersome, it's okay. I know that if there is an emergency, a car accident, a trip to the ER, a sad sorry to tell about school, he is there!

When in the flash of an eye I thought he wouldn't be there....I knew then, maybe more so than I realized in a long time (because we can all admit to times of taking each other for granted) how much I loved my Mr. Producer. How much I depend on him to be my sounding board. To listen when I need to vent. To hug me when I need to cry. To make me laugh when I am overwhelmed. To call me on it when I am being crazy. To set me straight when I am worrying or being overbearing. To just read the text that says I love you for no reason at all.

I do it all with God's help, I will give my Lord that credit. I do it because I ask God for and he grants me daily, patience... understanding... love... stamina... energy... strength

I also do it because He gave me a best friend... He gave me another person to share it all with... He gave me someone who even though he may not always be here in flesh, he is always here!!!!

I "do it" because I am a very lucky girl......

p.s. Mr. Producer did get his phone fixed. We won't text much or talk often because of the cost, but at least I know he is there :)

Here's what Mr. Producer is missing

2009-11-16T19:14:00.002-05:00

Yes, I did keep a running tally for the day... Well, because I am just neurotic like that, lol! There is still an hour before the kids go to bed, so anything can happen....

Diaper changes: 2
Boo-boo's: 4
Potty Accidents:3
Spills: 6
Spankings: 3
2yr old trips to potty: 18
Temper tantrums: 14
Hugs: 13
Kisses: 20
Loads of laundry: 2
Dora/Diego/Calliou episodes watched: 5
Floor swept: 2
Dishes washed: 3
Corn dogs eaten: 4
Garbage bag breaking: 1
***I interrupt this blog to go administer 2 more spankings and 1 more kiss***
Times I've heard "my tummies hurt": 15
Drinks poured: 21
Trips to the bank: 1
Trip to dance: 1
Puzzles done: 8
Work-out: 1
"bad" words discussed:1
Baths given: 3
Hearing "I want daddy".........I lost count!
You have also missed a phone call to my mom to hear that she has the swine flu and my dad now has pneumonia!
After the kids go to bed, you will miss me doing the checkbook, paying the bills, making a grocery list, working on coupons.

Wow: I am exhausted just from writing it all :) Come home soon!!!
We love you and miss you honey!!!!

Confidential to Mr. Producer

2009-11-15T19:17:00.002-05:00

Rarely am I melancholy when I watch you pack to leave. Seldom am I sad, lonely. Occasionally, I even look forward to your trips. That may sound harsh and uncaring to some, but for our schedule, the frequency of your trips, this is a fact of our lives.

Tonight as I watch you, I am struck by how much I love you! You are making a list of last minute items to pack, folding laundry, picking out your clothes, dusting off your sport coat, snuggling with the kids, and I am amazed at how lucky we are!

I don't know if it is where you are going, the length of how long you will be gone, the time of year you are going or the lack of communication we will have but I miss you already! I am sad that you are going and can't wait for you to come home!

I know that things have been, crazy...different around here for us the last little while. I know that I wouldn't hold you back from this or any other opportunity that life hands you. I know that I only want you to be happy in life! And while I dont' know what the future holds, what exotic locales you will visit, what opportunities will come your way, what more blessings life will give us... I do know with total certainty that I LOVE YOU!!!!

Please stay safe, know that you are missed, enjoy every moment of this trip, this chance, take lots of pictures, remember every detail and come home soon.....

We love you forever.......

One life to love

2009-11-11T21:10:00.004-05:00

What a poignant song. This couldn't speak any louder in volume to the life Mr. Producer and I are currently living.

When you travel for a living as Mr. Producer does, before you know it there are hours, days, weeks that you have missed from life. Time spent on an airplane, overseas, on location, waiting for a shoot. Those minutes and hours are the nemesis to family time.

In the moments when the noise, the crying, bickering, whining get to be too much; when the sound of "MOMMY" gets deafening, when kissing the boo-boo's gets overwhelming, I would be lying if I said that I don't entertain the thought of fleeing to a hotel room!

There are times when I envy Mr. Producer the chance at a quiet meal. An uninterrupted shower. An opportunity to sit in a silent hotel room and sleep...read....breath! There are times I want to feel young again! That is not to say that I feel old necessarily, but rather, very very responsible. I suppose that comes with the territory of having 4 kids!

Sometimes, in the day to day life of raising kids, playing taxi, helping with homework, cooking dinners, etc. we can overlook...forget...lose sight of just how blessed we actually are. Sometimes, in the day to day life of driving to work, traveling, working, answering to someone else, we can look past...assume...take for granted...the blessings we are given.

Sometimes, you hear a song, read a poem, see a bible verse, stumble across a saying that takes your breath away.

You only get just one chance around....one chance to find out the one thing that you don't want to miss...one life to love....

We all have days where we think we are invincible, not pausing to respect that we won't live forever. We all have moments we could take back, times we missed, chances we want to do again. We all have days where the life we have is easy to forget that it is a life we should love!

Knowing that everyone the world over has these same days is usually of little consolation. Instead they usually make me feel worse. Mostly I would like for everyone to be constantly happy, in love, joyful for what they have.

I am a realist enough to know that this is not possible. I know there are good days and bad. Happy moments and sad. Joy and frustration...

It is impossible to spend every moment with the ones you love. There is always work to be done, school to attend, practices to go to, errands that need ran.

What matters most in this once chance around is that you do spend your one life to love! The moments you are together...be together. The moments you have to love...love. Enjoy your one ride, your one try, one life to love...

Ex's

2009-11-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

We all have them. The degree to which they were a part of your life may vary, but even as early as second grade, there are boyfriends and girlfriends now...OH MY!!!!

What do you do when you run into...hear from an ex?

For some of us, an ex might be a time in our lives we would much rather forget exists. For others, an ex is now a reassurance that life is good. While for others, an ex just might happen to be a good friend.

I can honestly state that I am not currently friends with any of my ex's.
This was not a conscience decision. I have no problems with people, myself, or husband being friends with an ex. I guess I just figured out that I really didn't like them enough to want them in my life in any capacity!

With that being said however, I am grateful for all of my ex's, whatever their involvement in my life at the time. I am equally happy they are not in my life now. Although, I will admit to there being times I want to let them in briefly so they can see how far I have come. And, really, who wouldn't want to show off their family if it were as wonderful and cute as mine :)

A few months back, I had an ex, one I happened to be very involved with contact me through facebook. I debated on whether or not to respond. Our break-up was not exactly amicable and polite. But, 14 years have passed and really, I don't even remember what is was like to live with that man. Mr. Producer and I talked about it, briefly. Again, really, wouldn't I want this person to see how wonderful my life has turned out? Anyway, I opted to NOT respond to this person's email and 2 friend requests. Really, friends? Even on fb that is never going to happen...lol!

I chose not to respond, in spite of my immaturity to show off my kids, my life. I simply chose not to respond, because I didn't want any ensuing drama. I didn't want to give the impression that somehow maybe I still cared?! I didn't want to be involved in his life. PERIOD!

Thankfully, the anonimity of facebook allowed me to quietly hit reject friend request, delete email...end of story.

Last night, while out to dinner with Mr. Producer and friends, I saw another ex. While he saw me too, we did not speak. I can not saw whether we may have had I not been with other company, but I can say that out of respect for my husband, there really was no choice in not talking. I was and am okay with that. I could tell by looking at him how life has been treating him.

I wish no ill will on these men that use to be a part of my life. I would grieve if something happened to them. I have and will continue to pray that God grants them happiness and peace in life.

While seeing or hearing from them may have opened the floodgates of memories, both good and bad, it also reminded me that I am grateful for all the people that God brings into my life.

Some people look at past relationships as failed attempts to find happiness, I embrace these relationships as an opportunity to learn more about myself, life and love. The friend, wife, lover I am today has been shaped by the effects of these relationships on my life.

So, while I thank God daily for all the people in my life, both past and present, I thank Him even more for choosing the one that he did for me to wake up to each morning!

Writing

2009-11-08T22:21:00.003-05:00

I remember back in middle school, sitting next to my BFF and writing letters, notes, poems... back and forth, together. With all the tender innocence of 13 year old girls in love and/or heartbroken, we used writing as a way to express our feeling.

While I am sure those sweet words would make me laugh today, at the time, they were very serious.

When I was a teenage, my mom and I would write notes to each other. Some would be as simple as me asking to do something. Others more serious in the form of an apology. Some letters were sweet thanks you's for something that had been done and yet others were honest, maybe too much so, and filled with all the problems and dilemma's of teenage angst.

In school, I reveled in the joy of writing papers, poems, essay's. The words, when written from my heart or on a subject I knew, flowed from my fingers, mind. Sometimes, I could not type fast enough to keep up with the thoughts in my brain.

As a young adult, I broke up via a letter to a boyfriend/roommate. Sweetly, I proclaimed my love and asked for his in return via a letter to what would become my future husband. Even while attending college full-time and working full-time, I still found time to write letters to my husband.

It was no surprise then that when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately began a journal for the baby. Determined was I to capture my feelings on every moment related to the growing miracle of life inside me. And when that miracle was born too early, when that miracle went home to be with our Father, well, I wrote about that too. Writing was the one place I felt I could try to make sense of the beauty and pain in my life.

For many years after that, I got busy having more children, raising them, teaching, being a wife and barely managing time to breath. Writing, along with many other things in life, got put on hold!

For some people, their very breath depends on making tv shows, helping others, music, exercise, sleep. While I will admit that I have a definite addiction to music, sleeping and exercise, I can not live without writing. For me, writing is cathartic. My safe haven to be myself. My outlet to say the things I can't in person, to express the things I may keep inside. It is also where I share the funny things in my life. The pictures that make up my world. The joy that God has blessed me with.

I guess it is no surprise then that I stumbled across blogging and immediately felt like I was home! Someone asked me once, why do I blog? Why do I want to share my life with the world? Quite honestly, it never occured to me that I was sharing it with the world. Rather, for me blogging is what I do for me. Just like exercising and sleeping, I do this for me and me alone.

Writing is where I make sense of life's difficulties. I write down and "forget" my problems, worries, complaints. Whether anyone reads them or not, is of little consequence to me. Many times, I write down either electronically or on paper, things that are on my mind and then immediately, delete or throw those thoughts away. Not wanting to save them for another day, they are "forgotten".

I have taken some grief over the past couple years about things I have written. Some posts have caused people to become concerned about me. Others have encited anger, compassion, love. I relish that my simple words envoke some, any, type of emotion in people. I am amazed, honestly...truly...amazed, that there are so many people who take time out of their busy day to read the things I have to say....

With that being said....writing is who I am....just like being a mother, wife, friend, daughter, being a writer, even if only for myself, is part of who I am...

So when you wonder why I blog, why I put it out there for the world, it really is as simple as saying, because I can not, not do it! I blog for me, because I have to write. I post because I enjoy your responses, because I enjoy letting you into this chaos we refer to as fun. The fact that any of you take the time to read these posts, respond to them, laugh or cry with me, is just the sprinkles on the icing on the cake!

I hope you all enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy writing it! Thanks

It means...

2009-11-02T23:53:00.003-05:00

When I say I hate doing laundry....it means I have lots of little bodies to dress.

When I say I have to load, unload the dishwasher...it means I have 4 wonderful little people to care for.

When I moan about going to the grocery store...it means I am delighted to have a family to cook for.

When I gripe about cooking dinner again...it means I have food.

When I whine about the weather...it means I am alive.

When I cry about a car accident...it means I am blessed enough to be able to see to drive.

When I complain about the noise...it means I am thankful I can hear.

When I bitch about Mr. Producer...it means I am lucky in love.

When I go to bed late and I am tired...it means I had time to blog.

When I make time for myself...it means that I need to regroup for them.

When I am happy, mad, sad, excited....it means I care enough to feel.

When I look at my wonderful friends and family...it means I am loved.....

Happy Birthday Adam

2009-11-02T23:52:00.005-05:00

Where to start little man?

You aren't so little anymore. It seems daily, hourly you are growing and changing.There are so many dreams and hopes I have for you as you grow. Some are the same prayers echoed by parents the world over. I pray you stay healthy, happy. I pray you stay innocent, loving.
This year has brought many changes, some rough times and some wonderful memories.I loved all the time we spent together going to Indiana, Georgia, Jacksonville, Disney World. This year seems to have been the year of traveling. With every new destination, it seemed another side of you developed. Jacksonville and Indiana found you working with daddy. Being his ever present shadow and helper. While Georgia and Disney World reminded you, us that you really are still a kid.
I know that there is a lot asked of you, the oldest of the group. Sometimes fairly, other times, not so much. I want you to know doodlebug, that I try hard to not ask you to raise your brother & sisters. I make a conscience effort to only enlist your help when it is an absolute necessity.
I know that right now, you are not old enough to appreciate the request for help means so much more than asking you to tie your brothers shoes. Someday, you will realize that simple requests for help carry with them my trust in you... my appreciation for the young man you are... my confidence in your ability to complete a task without supervision... my desire to strengthen your fatherly, compassionate side... my need to make sure you have the strongest bond possible with your siblings... my love for you in allowing you to be my shadow...helper...friend.
Buddy, I joke that you are just like me. The truth is, you are the most mixed of your daddy and I. You have my knack for perfection and his seriousness. You have my love for God and his love for science. You have my love of farming, growing and his love of making things. You have my love of the computer, music, writing and his love of goofiness, relaxing, fishing.I have no crystal ball as to what the future holds for you. I do not know where we will live in 10 years. Whether you will join the service, go to college, learn a trade. It remains to be seen whether you will ever marry, have kids, be wealthy.
I can only be certain you future holds a few key things. I promise to continue to instill in you a love for God, first and foremost. I promise to continue to always love you, unconditionally. I promise to seek your forgiveness when I have done something wrong. I promise to continue to teach you...right from wrong...good from bad...math...english...how to grow a garden...how to say i love you...how to cook...I promise to always support you in life's decisions. I promise to always be here...day...night...at 8...18...38...I am always here! I promise to always love, accept, cherish and be thankful for you!Happy belated birthday little man....I love you!!!!

Two's....

2009-10-28T21:37:00.007-04:00

This is what happens when mommy takes out a box of pancake mix. Sets it on the counter. Goes into the laundry room to put the clothes from the washer to the dryer. Then goes into the bathroom to put her contacts in and wash her face.

If the w orld seems quiet with 2 2yr olds, you better go run ning!

Rocks

2009-10-03T10:29:00.004-04:00

The funny thing about throwing a rock into a lake is that you never know how long the ripples in the water will last. You can't see the soul of the animals underneath to know how they are affected. What if you throw the rock and it just falls right in, the waves and disruptions are minimal. But, if the rock skips, even accidentally, then the waves, ripples, disruptions are longer, worse than you had anticipated.

Our words are just like those rocks. We throw words daily, good...bad. We speak to our kids, friends, husbands, families, coworkers. Sometimes the words we speak, like a rock thrown seem to have little affect. Other times our words like a rock skipped make bigger ripples than we intended. And just like the rock, whether thrown or skipped, we will never know the true impact our words have on the lives (whether human, animal or nature) around us...

I read somewhere that the words that we speak are the window to our soul.... hmmmm..... that is a hard concept to fully embrace. I think the words we speak are merely a reflection of the thoughts in our head. We can say words in anger that we don't really mean. We can say words that make sense in our heads but are not heard the way we intended. The words that we speak may reflect our hearts but just like the rock the affect is also in how they are thrown and how they are received. If the water is already wavy, the rock only adds to the disruption. It has the ability to make the waves worse, or to go by simply unnoticed. If the rock is thrown or skipped into calm water, the impact is more noticable. If you are speaking to someone who is not paying attention, already angry or has predetermined how the conversation will go then your words will not make that much of a difference. However, if the person you are talking to is paying attention, listening with an open heart, your words will have a bigger impact.

There is nothing wrong with throwing rocks and/or talking...really both are necessities in life... just remember once it is let go, either on purpose or accident, when happy or mad, you can never get the rock or the words back....

Responsibility

2009-09-20T09:33:00.003-04:00

I just heard a commercial on the radio that makes me want to scream.....

Someone please tell me when we as a world, nation, city, family, individual are going to start taking responsibility for our own actions.

Since when is it perfectly acceptable and expected that I can sue anyone for any dumbass decisions that I make?

And I am sorry but ignorance is not an acceptable excuse.

In this age of immediate information and gratification, few, very very very few people can really lay claim to living under a rock.

Sorry, I forgot that all of you were not in my bedroom folding laundry listening to the rise up show on the radio to hear the same commercial I just did, so let me fill you in. I can not remember the commercial verbatim but the crux of it was if you do not have proper car insurance, it is not your fault. It absolutely must be the fault of your stupid car insurance agent for not giving you all the coverage you need! The commercial ended with saying that if you do not have bodily injury coverage and someone with no insurance hits you, call us, we will personally go after your insurance agent on the grounds of omission and not making sure you have all you need and have your best interest and your familys safety at heart!!

Are you freakin' kidding me? I have been driving for almost 20 years. I have had many different insurance companies, and yes, some I questioned whether they were legit. BUT.... through it all, I have always been given the options of what insureance I wanted to choose. If I didn't understand something, I asked. Yep, even when I was 19, a college student, more interested in partying than insureance. I STILL ASKED!

Seriously, this to me is as stupid as the whole spilled McDonalds coffee incident.....

PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP, STOP BLAMING THE REST OF THE WORLD FOR THEIR STUPIDNESS AND START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS.....

Ok, sorry if this offended anyone....I usually do not share my personal opinion on many issue's like this with all of you..... but I feel better now...maybe I should start a new blogging category...soapbox sunday...whatcha think? LOL!!!

Back to folding laundry now...

I'm sorry.....what????

2009-09-17T14:18:00.004-04:00

"M.....Is very frustrated right now... Just cuz i don't earn a check every week doesn't mean what i do everyday isn't important!"

This was a status update posted by a friend of mine on facebook earlier today..........

Now, I will admit that I had to stew on this for a few hours before I could respond. To further the honesty, I am praying as I type that He helps me watch my tongue so I do not offend anyone!!!!

I would wager the house that she has spoken the words EVERY SAHM has thought, at least ONCE. The world over, I have yet to speak to another SAHM who doesn't feel sometimes frustrated at feeling inadequate as a person because they stay at home. Sometimes these feeling of inadequacy are brought on by others, strangers, spouses, friends. Other times, these feeling come straight from inside of us.

We do not need anyone to remind us that we don't pull a paycheck for wiping noses, butts, tears. I know the checkbook doesn't register the boo-boo's I kiss, the arguments I break up, the games I play. The bank doesn't keep track of the dance lessons I drive too, the dinners I cook, the fevers I cool.

Additionally, we don't need anyone to tell us that working mothers do these things too. We know you do!!!

Here is the part that you working mothers out there may not know.............. I. AM. IN. AWE. OF. YOU!!!!!

Really, honestly, I have no idea how you flippin' do it. I admire your strength, your ability to adapt so quickly to the role in front of you.

There are days I have no patience. no energy. no desire to go to work. PERIOD! Yep, it's true. There are MANY days us SAHM want to call in sick!

I can not fathom being mommy, chauffeur, nurse, teacher, chef, wife, friend, and WORKING!

I know the chaos that is my life now, it is fun....I can not imagine the chaos that would be life if we both worked, not so much fun.

There are many working mothers who have to; there are many that choose to; there are some that love to.

There are many SAHM that have to stay home, that choose to stay home.

With all this being said....whether you stay home or not, really isn't important. Whether you spend 15 hours or 1.5 hours a day with your child isn't what matters. Whether they own a Wii, Nike's, or shop at American Eagle, really is insignificant.

What matters is that your child know you love them. That your child knows you are there, you will keep them safe, you care. What is significant is that you teach your children about being kind, loving others, giving to those less fortunate and not judging....

M.....don't be frustrated....what you do everyday is important.

What we all do everyday....teacher, police officer, secretary, student, stay at home parent, producer, nurse, wildlife trapper, bank teller, mommy, daddy.....is important!!!!!

When you choose to have children, you choose to put your life 2nd...you choose to wear your heart on your sleeve and accept it will get broken...A LOT....you choose to have and give unconditional love...you choose to be strong......

Farkle

2009-09-12T15:01:00.004-04:00

I have recently discovered that I have a very addictive personality. Ok, not the you are addicted to me kind, but rather, the I get addicted to things easily kind.......

For the record, my life would be easier if it was the former rather than the latter!

In high school, I was addicted to talking on the phone and shopping for clothes (ok, maybe still struggling on these, lol)!!!!

Right after school I started smoking...ugh...not only a very expensive addiction but one that also lasted 13 years. Thankfully I can say that this addiction is done (4.5yrs ago). There are days that I think about smoking again...more for an excuse to go outside and have some peace and quiet, lol. But, seeing that I have an addictive personality, I fear that 1 drag and I would be hooked!

For a long while Mr. Producer and I had a credit card addiction. I will not disclose how many or what we owed, but thankfully we were introduced to Dave Ramsey! I heart Dave!!!! While we still have 1 more cc to pay off, it has been almost 2 years since we used a credit card and really we couldn't be more secure!!!!

When myspace first entered the screen a few years back, it didn't take long for me to make excuses to check that a couple times a day! When Myspace was no longer "cool" I followed the piedpiper to facebook! OH BOY!!!! I still only check this addiction a couple (hundred:) times a day....lol! AND please note, in the past I have attempted to overcome this....well..... here goes....

Hi, my name is Tracy and I am a facebook addict!!!

Not sure if there is a 12 step program for this and pretty sure I would fail anyway...lol!

In the past I can say that my current addictions have only numbered 1 or 2 at a time.

Sadly, this is not currently the case!!!! UGH!!! Now, I suppose I could turn this into a matter of semantics seeing as how some of current addictions reside only on facebook (farkle, farming) but really, we have suppressed the English teacher this long, let's keep it that way! LOL!

The most current addiction, really it is a good one, is running and exercise. I WANT MORE!!! This addiction is a double edge sword though because it seems like the only time I really have to run is at 6am! Ummmmm.... have I mentioned that I am also addicted to sleep! lol!! Additionally, thanks to my new ipod shuffle, I think I could become addicted to itunes....sorry honey, this is not my fault, blame it on your friend!!! LOL!!! Friend...... THANK YOU!!! Really I got the better end of this past week....

Also, I should take the time here to mention that I have also become addicted to texting! I heart texting!!! Unfortunately, Mr. Producer does not have a phone with a keypad, so his texting abilities are slowed down and I often fire them off quicker than he can respond.... sorry honey! We will work on that!!!!!

Lastly, I think I have become addicted to my friends kids...... I have had the pleasure of being with 2 wonderful, funny, sweet, helpful, loving, gorgeous, kind, gentle, helpful, did I mention GREAT kids?????? Alas, their equally wonderful mother comes home tonight and I am pretty sure she wants them back....... seeing as kidnapping is against the law, I will return them.... only with the promise though that I can have them anytime you need me too........ I heart them.....

Confession time over.......

p.s. I am still addicted to the phone and shopping for clothes (which are getting smaller and cuter)!!!

strength

2009-09-01T13:07:00.002-04:00

When you think of strength, what comes to mind?

A body builder? An olympic diver? A police man chasing a criminal?

A person in the heat of rescue lifting a car of a victim? A mother fighting to bring her baby into the world? A child reaching for that last monkey bar and making it?

Who do you picture when someone asks you to picture the person in your life that is strong?

Your dad? Husband? Brother?

The single mom you know? Your friend serving in Iraq? The fireman down the street?

Mr. Producer made a facebook fan page for my blog this week. In doing so, he opened up my world for many of my friends to read. Some of these people I have known for years. Others only more recent. Some shared in my greatest moments of happiness and others held my hand through many tears. Yet, there were some that I have known for years that maybe never really knew me/us. Some that knew bits and details of our lives in passing. Some perhaps making judgements for themselves without the full story.

I was, quite honestly, shocked when someone who has become a dear friend sent me a message and stated that I had moved them to tears. (Don't worry your identity will remain a secret on account of you having an image to uphold ;) I was elated when they said that they felt my emotions through my writing. I giggled when they said if I was not allowed to blog anymore. Mostly, I was stunned, genuinely, honestly, truly stunned, when they said I was the strongest person they knew.

My initial reaction was, no I am weak. I falter, I fail, I am tempted, I sin, I get angry, I dream some days of running away.

Then I remind myself, that is what makes us human.

Then I sat down to blog. I was going to say all these great things about everyone being strong when they need to be. You never know what you can do/succeed/accomplish or just merely live through until...you do. God never gives you more than you can handle...

All of these sentiments are very true....not 1 can be discounted.

What I will say is this.....strength isn't something everyone has all the time. Sometimes we are all weak. Sometimes we all have to rely on others to get us through. Even Jesus had to. Our strength, and each persons is unique, comes from our experiences in life and how we are willing and able to process them. Would I have chosen to lose a child, nope not at all...am I grateful that He knew better than me and had great plans for my life...yep! Some struggles make you know that you can accomplish anything and others are only a catalyst for something bigger.

For some reading this your strength may be finishing college, struggling to pay the bills, working out your marriage, conceiving a child, being a parent.
Everyday we all face things that are hard, from surviving the flu to surviving traffic jams to surviving until bed times. Being strong is really just the attitude you choose to have to get you through.

So, yea, we are all strong and with the right people in your life and Him guiding your life, you will always be as strong as you need to be.

Now, when someone asks who you think of when they say strength, let at least one of those people be yourself. It is ok to be strong and even more ok, to admit when you aren't!

Confidential to you...thanks for the compliments, they made my day ;)

underwater

2009-09-01T08:58:00.005-04:00

Have you ever felt you are watching your life unfold as though you were viewing it through someone else's eyes?

Please tell me you too have days where you feel like you are swimming underwater?

Sometimes do you too long for your brain to be like an etch-a-sketch, just shake and clean?

With that being established, how do you "come back"?

With so many vacations (I know, I know...rough, huh?), play time, unscheduledness (yea, I make them up as I go along), I am feeling very unsettled.

If you know me well (or even a little) you know that I am type A. I like to be in charge, I like to have a schedule. I plan months in advance for anything and everything. I have a system for how to do most everything. I think there is a right way to do things (ok, so it is my way, lol). I am not partial to messiness.

If you have just stumbled into my life you may have taken note of the fact that I have 4 kids?!

I think I have done a pretty good job of balancing flexibility, life, chaos with type A. I plan when I can, I pout when I can't! I put everything away, except what I don't. I have outgrown the urge to always make the kids rooms spotless. Really, I have, it is called closing the door. Hey, even Monica had a closet! I still think my way is more right than yours, but I am willing to listen (or at the very least, pretend to). I am still in charge being they are only 7, 4, 2 and 2 (oh and 36, lol) I still have a schedule. It is around here somewhere. Oh there it is, we are on a schedule. Up at 7, breakfast 7:30, lunch at 11:45, nap at 12:30. Up @ 2:30, get Adam at 3, dinner at 6:30, bed at 7:30 and 8:00.

What, wait a minute. I only have a schedule for eating and sleeping?

Well, that explains it.... somehow, somewhere, I lost my schedule. ACK!!!

It all makes sense now. The reason for more chaos, more fun, more whining, more underwater swimming.....our schedule got erased by the etch-a-sketch.

Can you hear the sigh all the way over there?

Ok, well mystery solved. I can go back to watching my life through my own eyes. In our world, all we need is a schedule to "come back"

I wonder though, when I make the new schedule for the year (see I still operate in teacher mode), when shall I incorporate time for my latest addiction: farkling?

Happy Birthday angel

2009-08-22T01:18:00.005-04:00

The birthday letters I write to the kids every year are letter to them, for them, as they get older. They are notes filled with stories of the people they are turning into. Lines filled with words of accomplishments they have made in the last year!

My yearly letters to you are for me. They are notes filled with stories of how much I love you. Lines filled with how you impacted my life and continue to do so long after you are gone!

9 years! I have a 9 year old! That astounds me and well, honestly makes me feel slighty old!

They say every persons grief is different. Even grieving for the same person, individual people respond differently! The same hold true for years later.
What is even more amazing is that years later people who never knew you grieve for you!

I realize every year on the day of your birth just how much I am loved. Friends, always sweet and kind, seem to realize that on this day in particular I need to be taken care of a little more! They seems to know without having been told or lived through it, that an extra hug, a smile, a kind word will go farther than any other day! On your birthday, I am reminded that while I do all for everyone else, every other day, that on your day I need to be human, I need to take time and let others love me!

On your birthday I am reminded that there is a huge world over which I have no control. There are some parts of me, I have no control over! I am reminded that some of the greatest joys in life are not things that we actively seek out. Some of the finest moments we are given are those that God allows to happen.

It seems that every year that passes someone new learns about you! The reaction is usually the same, you can see they want to be sad, they want to hug you, they want to know how I survived the pain. For some, I suppose it shows I am human! My answer is always the same...I had to survive, I wasn't the one He called home. That letting go is heartbreaking but when left with no choice, you learn to accept. That sometimes in quiet moments, you still cry but for the most part, you are so busy with the chaos, you smile and move on!

I think this year your greatest gift to me has been to show me that no matter how bad life gets, I am a survivor! This hasn't been an easy year, for many reasons. There are times I have been tempted to throw in the towel, give up, walk away from anything and everything. Then I think of you. I look back on the most difficult time in my life, watching my own child go home, and I know that I can survive anything! I am strong, but human. I am tough but easily bruised. I am fearful yet confident.

I have never looked at your life and death as a badge to be worn. I have never thought of surviving the death of my own child to be a coat of armor wrapped around me. Yet, I realize, I am who I am because of who you are.

I look constantly at my tattoo. It warms my heart to see your feet on mine. I wonder would we have spent hours dancing around the living room while you were a small child? When I got the tattoo done, I blogged that it was for me. I sit here now and wonder if this isn't yet another way you are holding me? I love that every time I look at my foot, there are your feet. I hope that others look at it and feel peace like I do. I suppose there are some that don't and may never, but for me, I get a smile that goes straight to my heart!

On 8/25/2000 from 9:30am-12:29pm, I was irrevocably changed. I always say I held an angel that day. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe you were holding me. Maybe you knew that as the years went by I would need you some years more than others. Maybe you knew then that mommy was only human! I am certain then you knew that I loved, breathed only you!

Before you were born, on your birthday, today, tomorrow, forever....
I love you Andrew Joseph!

Marriage

2009-08-22T00:40:00.003-04:00

A friend stated recently that from the outside looking in, it seems that Mr. Producer and I have a marriage to be envied!

I watch my grandma go to the nursing home daily and sit for hours with my grandpa. Sometimes he knows she is there and other times he is clueless!

I listen to friends talk of their divorces, seperations, struggles.

Rarely, I question if that could ever be us?!

I suppose it is fool hearty to assume you will never have problems, issue's, struggles. Every couples level of acceptance is different!

All of this got me thinking....what is marriage?

Ok, crazy question perhaps considering I have been married for 11.5 years. But, really... what is marriage?

To look it up in the dictionary, you may find : The union between a husband and a wife.

Wow, that sounds easy enough!

But wait, there's more...lol! For any of us that are there, whether we have been married for 2 days, 11 years, or 47 years, I am sure we would say there is a lot more to marriage...

Passion, romance, dancing in the kitchen, flirting, kissing for no reason?
Washing dished together, sharing a cup of coffee together, listening to Dave Ramsey, paying bills, taking care of sick kids.
Date nights, being silly, having private jokes, making love?
Feeding the chickens, hanging with friends, arguing in the grocery store, going on vacations, remodeling, playing with kids.

The reality is there are many stages and phases in a marriage.

If your marriage is strictly built on passion, flirting, sex, what happens when that is gone? When the person ages or if there was an accident?
If your marriage is built on friendship and comfort only, what happens if you want more than that some day?
If your marriage is built on just the kids and the chores, what happens when that is gone?

Only you know what your marriage is based on....what you need....only you know what your level of acceptance is......how much of each: friendship, passion, co-parent do you need?

If the vows, till death do you part were included in your ceremony, then you have to think about all of these...

I am positive my grandparents are still the best of friends, I know that they are still co-parents and I have seen they are still passionate to each other. This may not be the passion of their younger days, but they are still each other's whole world even though they live in seperate places these days, there hearts still remain together forever....till death do them part!

A little humor...

2009-08-22T00:28:00.005-04:00

What do you get when you mix 4 kids, 2 colds, 1 van, 5 suitcases, lots of food, blankets, pillows, 2 parents and thousands of miles??? Bravery marries insanity and they do NOT give birth to patience, I promise! At 7, 4, 2 and 2, the kids are actually doing great with being strapped into the car for hours on end! As we drive through the hills of KY I am reminded again of how blessed I am in life! Isn't it funny how sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zone, put ourselves into crazy positions to see the beauty in our lives? I have a husband who is beyond compare! He makes me laugh, smile, cry. He is my best friend, lover. We are blessed he has an awesome job that he loves and that allow us to travel. We have 4 patient, funny, cute, smart children. They all have their own personalities, each one as cute and funny as the other, yet they are all such a great mixture of the 2 of us! We have the best friends and acquaintances in the world. Together and separate, they are people we can turn to for laughs, fun, help or an ear when and if we need to. There isn't one that doesn't bring something into our lives. Thankfully, I have a Lord who has provided all of this and more, for me, just for me! Like anyone in life, I could find many things to complain about, things I wish I could change, things I want. But, there is so much more to be thankful and happy for! So, while bravery and insanity may never produce patience, they have produced thankfulness, fun and great memories!

Happy birthday Katie

2009-08-21T23:23:00.007-04:00

This is late in coming but I have been so busy watching the beautiful girl you are turning into that I haven't had time to write this! It is hard to believe you are 4! I am not sure where the years are going, but they are flying by. Before I know it, you will be asking me for the kerys! I have seen so much change in you from 3-4! You started school this year. While I looked forward to you going, making new friends, learning new things; I didn't anticipate missing you this much. I never took Adam to pre-k for the 1st time, daddy was home then. Boy did I cry the 1st day my big girl left! I would never hold you back from new adventures, even if I couldn't go, but man, there were days I wanted to watch you from the window (and some days I did)! You are most definitely the most like me! You are such a social girl. You love to be around, watch and interact with people. Yet, you are cautious. You are passionate about life and love. You wear your heart and emotions on your sleeve. This isn't a bad thing sweetie. When you get older you will hate that people can read you so easily, but believe me, it really is a good thing! I pray you never have anything in your life to hide! You loved school this year. You made some good friends; some will come back next year and other yoiu only havd the joy and privilige of knowing this year. You really became a "little momma" this year. You love to help and cook. You have the BEST sense of humor!! I could listen to you all day, you make up the funniest songs and saying. Even your clothing reflects your sense of humor! you can wear anything and make it look good! You and Rebecca have become very close this year! You love and fight like sisters. Sometimes I am envious of the relationship you girls have! I hope and pray constantly that you will always be close. You are close to Adam and Jason but you and Becca have a special sister relationship. you still look up to and frequently ask when you are going to be ask big as Adam! I wonder if you will always look up to him or if you will be content to be Becca's big sister? You and Jason are a lot alike; you are both very energetic, playful, silly! You two spend a good bit of time vying for our attention. I pray that as you get older you will all stay as close as you are now. You are still (and always will be I am sure) a daddy's girl! That's ok, every little girl needs her daddy! You still need me and love to snuggle with or play dolls with me. You have grown emotionally and spiritually this year too. You easily accept all the gifts the Lord has given you and while you ask about your brother in heaven and your puppy there, you are not saddened by them being there! You love life to much to be saddened by much! I hope and pray you are always that way! you are a very good girl at lostening and obeying and maintaining you individuality all at the same time! You are an awesome child Katie. It is bittersweet to watch you grow. But, since I can not stop time, I promise to enjoy watching you grow. I look forward to what this next yearbrings in your life! I am proud to be your mommy and I thank God DAILY for picking me to be the earthly mother He chose for you! I love you BEAN!!! Happy 4!

you just gotta laugh

2009-06-13T23:24:00.002-04:00

Least you think I only blogged tonight because I had some sadder news to share, I decided to take some comments from my kids and share them with you, because, well, my kids are funny...at least to me....enjoy

I took Little Man to see Annie, the musical. During intermission we were talking about they play and he said that he was sure Mr. Starbucks was sad that Annie wanted to find her parents but that he would let her go because he loved her. No, that wasn't a typo, yep....he thinks his name was Mr. Starbucks and not Mr. Warbucks.......that is the Annie of 2009!

The baby wants to know when daddy is going to finally land his plane and come home....apparently he thinks that daddy has just gone away to fly a plane around in circles........

Little momma has taken to carrying her action figure Jesus around with her everywhere. Really, there is and we own an action figure of Jesus (there is also Mary, Noah, Moses, David, and Goliath, just in case you are curious). Just so you know, she has taken up talking with a southern accent on some words, Jesus being one of them. It is not uncommon to hear in my house a few dozen times a day "MY JESUS, I LOST (dropped) MY JESUS. I NEED MY JESUS." Yea, with the southern accent, it is funny, no matter how many times a day she says it! She is also the one that has the never ending prayers...she will be a preacher when she grows up......

As for amazing girl...she hasn't been as funny as of late, but boy is she getting more amazing with every passing day! 2 days until her birthday...look for the birthday letter post to be coming soon.

For now, they are sleeping peacefully dreaming of Mr. Starbucks, Jesus, Airplanes and Princess birthday's.....I hope your dreams are just as sweet!

long lost hello's

2009-06-13T23:07:00.002-04:00

You check your inbox, your voicemail, your snail mail. You expect the same things each time you complete this task. You answer your phone and if you are like me, it is the same few people over and over again.

There are people you are friends with either because you work together, you have share some of the same interests, you children are friends, because you grew up together, or because you just click.

There are friends you talk to daily, weekly, via virtual communication, monthly. There are friends that you can talk to every 6 months and pick up where you left off. There are people who know more about your life than they probably should. Then there are people you are friends with whom have slowly drifted away. You casually mention them in your prayers, you think of them randomly, you hope they are well. You are sure there life is going good, you think you should get together sometime. You let life get in the way. you appreciate them for who they were in your life at the time. You are comfortable with everyone having moved on, comfortable with the way things currently are.

Then you get an email, a phone call, a voice mail. You learn that this friend has cancer. You immediately think you should call this person, you want to talk to them, to see how they are, to let them know you care! You continue on as you always have, work, kids, cleaning, errands. Only this friend takes a more center stage approach in your life. Your prayers for them more meaningful and frequent. Your virtual connection checked daily now. You thoughts more prominent. You promise that you will get together soon. You vow to not let life get in the way.

Then you realize, this is ok, this is comfortable, you may not see each other more often, you may have to let life get in the way sometimes. There are some people in your life you love but don't need to have constant contact with. This friend knows you care, knows you are there, knows you are praying and knows they are loved. There are people in your life that are only suppose to be there when they are needed. They are not fair weather friends, they are true friends that you can call whenever you need too! To chat, to cry, to pray, to know that you are love.

Tamara, you are an amazing inspiration. You are fighting this battle, growing stronger in your faith, becoming more beautiful everyday. You are refusing to be a victim to this pit stop in your life. You are a hero to your kids, your friends, your family!

Always someones child

2009-06-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

I look at Little man and I see endless possibilities. At 7 and a half (yes, we throw in halves at this age;) the world is open to him. Whatever he dreams, hopes, believes...it is all out there waiting for him to learn it, do it, think it.

In none of my visions for his future do I depict that some day he will be 37, living at home, in and out of jail, constantly drunk, endless domestic battles, and finally, dying at a bus stop. alone. in the morning. fresh out of jail 4 days before.

In all honesty there is a part of me that wants to say, he did it to himself. the local police dept. will be less busy. there is a great example of a local high school cool kid getting by in life because he was cute, loved, envied. no big loss. I want to laugh at the people who haven't been in contact with him in years that say it is a tragedy that he died so young.

Then, I hear the sweet voice of little man, or amazing girl, or little mommy or the baby and I can't think these thoughts. At one time, he was their ages, 7, 4 or 2. When his mother looked at him, kissed his skinned knee, said prayers with him, sang songs, read to or cooked dinner for him, never did she depict that her little boy would turn out like that either!

When I look at the sweet faces of the angels the Lord has blessed me with, I can only think that yes, it is a tragedy he died so young. It is a tragedy that help always seem to escape. It is a tragedy that he was alone, the circumstances so awful, the call that had to be placed. It is a tragedy because he was someones child.......................