Peace

I have been very blessed my whole life to be able to have one set of grandparents alive. They lived very close. I spent a lot of time there growing up when my parents would need a babysitter or would go out of town.

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandpa include him yelling at me to put on an undershirt and making me take cod liver oil when he thought I may be getting sick. Man, how nasty that stuff was!

Grandpa was a wonderful man. I don't say that through tears of grief. I say that as a person who knew him well for almost 35 years. He was always healthy and active. He took numerous vitamins daily. He was even a bodybuilder in his youth, actually having been titled Mr. Universe back in his day :)

This is not to say he was perfect. Oh man, he wasn't. He was human. He was flawed. He could be grouchy. He could be selfish. He could be opinionated. Sometimes he could even be argumentative. He did not hide his feelings on any subject or person.

But for every imperfection, there were 2 or 3 perfections. He loved and adored my grandma, in the kind of way every girl hopes for! He loved his family, in spite of how crazy they drove him. He was one of the 1st people to hold Katie after she was born. He came to see the kids weekly when he could, in spite of how it tired him. He loved his classical music. He loved his slides. He loved to tinker with electronics, more often that not messing up the wires behind the TV so my dad would have to fix them. He loved politics. He was proud to have served in the military, in more than one branch. He loved to watch the news and read the newspaper.

My grandpa was a strong man. He hated how his body shut down at the end. Hated that he felt he was being a burden on anyone.

But man, how he loved my grandma doting on him. He called her baby and darling and beautiful. He told her he loved her and missed her when she was gone. She was his world and he hers. Even this last year in a nursing home couldn't have separated their love. Even death will not separate their love.

He was a very blessed man to have such a doting, loving, adoring wife. The admiration between them mutual.

The admiration between him and I mutual. Even in times of my rebellious youth. I knew that my grandpa would always be there. Even death will not stop that.

I may not be able to see him daily. I may not be able to hug his physical body. I may not ever rub his bald head, gag as I watch him eat his much loved sardines, pick on him for his big ears, dote over him as he moves across my living room.

Yes, I am sad that no more will I be able to share the physicalities of this life with him. But I am finding a peace and comfort unexpected in his passing. I know that he is still always there for me. I can talk to him daily, for his hearing is now perfect. I can smile because I know that he is holding my sweet baby Andrew. I am not sad that he will miss my birthday this year, because in my heart, he is and always will be here. I know he is watching, protecting, loving me now more than ever.

I am at peace because I know he knows how much I loved him and adored him. And I know I was his favorite granddaughter.

Grandpa, I love you so much. Someday we will be together again. In perfect bodies. In a perfect place! In the meantime, thank you for wonderful memories...wonderful guidance... I love you!

Always someones child

I look at Little man and I see endless possibilities. At 7 and a half (yes, we throw in halves at this age;) the world is open to him. Whatever he dreams, hopes, believes...it is all out there waiting for him to learn it, do it, think it.

In none of my visions for his future do I depict that some day he will be 37, living at home, in and out of jail, constantly drunk, endless domestic battles, and finally, dying at a bus stop. alone. in the morning. fresh out of jail 4 days before.

In all honesty there is a part of me that wants to say, he did it to himself. the local police dept. will be less busy. there is a great example of a local high school cool kid getting by in life because he was cute, loved, envied. no big loss. I want to laugh at the people who haven't been in contact with him in years that say it is a tragedy that he died so young.

Then, I hear the sweet voice of little man, or amazing girl, or little mommy or the baby and I can't think these thoughts. At one time, he was their ages, 7, 4 or 2. When his mother looked at him, kissed his skinned knee, said prayers with him, sang songs, read to or cooked dinner for him, never did she depict that her little boy would turn out like that either!

When I look at the sweet faces of the angels the Lord has blessed me with, I can only think that yes, it is a tragedy he died so young. It is a tragedy that help always seem to escape. It is a tragedy that he was alone, the circumstances so awful, the call that had to be placed. It is a tragedy because he was someones child.......................

Peace, beauty, love

The words, a constant jumble in my head. Sentences in fragment form. Paragraphs I can't quite complete. Wondering's that don't go away. Regret that nags. Questions never ceasing. They pop up out of no where. Cleaning the kitchen, driving in the car. They are all a part of the process.

I have known 4 people that have died in my adult life time. My reaction to each different yet quite normal. There have been other people I have known that have died, but they were not personal to me.

My first experience with death was a good friend of mine. Todd and I were not friends that hung out on the weekends or called each other on the phone. We were co-workers who lived in the same apartment complex and commuted together to college at night. There were many things about each other we never knew. Personal details very left out, but experiences only the 2 of us could share. There was never any romantic feelings, I was married. We were just innocent friends trying to survive the realities of full time employment and full time college students together. For all the hours we spent in traffic, we should have known more details of each other's lives, but what we knew of each other was just the basics and what was happening in the present. That was enough. We never felt the need for more. After his death, I still don't. It was enough. I was sad and shocked when he died ( a car accident). I missed him dearly. I cried immediately. I cried at the service. I cried when his parents came down. I cried when much of the information from autopsy was shared and it was all information that I had learned in a dream a week before. Then I realized, this was my closer. This was my goodbye, my peace.

My second experience was the most painful. The first family member to have died. The one that I have few memories with but loved the most. The one that I knew the shortest amount of time but knew the best. The one that taught me the most about life, love, motherhood and God's love. My son, Andrew. His loss was one that I would pray never happens to anyone but at the same time, I am thankful for his life and loss. It took a while to get here, but I am at peace. I smile at the thought of my little guy up in heaven with the Lord and any other family members that he gets to play with. They are seeing him in ways that I never did but can see in my mind. I will play with him that way someday. Until then, I enjoy the brothers and sisters he has on earth. I cried the longest, hurt the most and longed for him in ways that many would never understand. 13 months later, Andrew watched his brother Adam enter this world and knew that mommy had closer, that her heart was healed. If you have ever been there, you know.

My third experience was when my great grandma died. I loved Grandma Bea. She was not the quintessential old lady. She had gusto even in her 70's and 80's riding across the country on the back of my uncle's motorcycle. In her 90's when her body began to hurt and memories became lost, she was still as sweet and wonderful though. And while I loved her dearly. Her death was not mourned but honestly a celebration of a wonderful life lived. She did not die, she truly went home. Peace was immediate for me after her death. There were no regrets. Katie was conceived the same week she passed away, her final gift to me :)

My Fourth loss is my Uncle Tommy. Peace is trying to fight it's way through. His voice assuring me he knew he was loved try to break through the thoughts that cloud my mind and make me human. There are regrets. That is hard since I don't life with regrets of any kind. I love where I am today and every experience good or bad that brought me here. After a week, I know it is too early for closure. Yet, I know it will come. I know this too is a process to get through. Acceptance for his death will happen. Tomorrow is the memorial service. This will help. I know he is not there but he will be there with us, I am sure. I will pay the babysitter. I never pay for babysitters, yet will do so tomorrow. Regrets for what we do for death that we don't do for life. I would have never paid for a babysitter to go to dinner with Uncle Tom. Yet, I do go to dinner with my grandma. I never had Uncle Tom over for just lunch and to play with the kids, yet my grandma is over weekly. Sadness for things meant to do. Does the season increase this? Peace will come, in what form, I don't know yet. Maybe cleaning out his house? Helping with the details of the estate? Time? I know that these are my doubts, never his. He was full of more peace and grace than anyone else I know. I trait to be learned from and strived for.

There are lessons we take from everyone in our life's. Some are big, others almost small enough to miss. Sadly, they may not be learned until separation from this person either voluntary or involuntary, like death.

Of course, the biggest lesson is to love and cherish your time together. Christmas time and always.

Today, yes today, pick up the phone and call the relative you don't normally call and just say HI! There age is irrelevant. Their reaction simply amusing. Your mind, heart, soul will be thankful. For the relatives already passed, just look upward and smile, they know.

There is peace and beauty in dying. It may take a while for those surviving to achieve it, but it does come. Until then, there is love.

Goodbye but always here

You said goodbye tonight, at least in the physical sense. You were welcomed with a huge hello. Of this I am certain. Your parents, siblings, friends and relatives. You said this was it. You knew you were not leaving the hospital and going home. Although we said you were wrong, you knew. You talked in past tense. You told secrets previously undisclosed. You admitted you were not perfect but you were forgiven. You knew where you were going. You never were one to hold a grudge. You didn't even as you were leaving. You had reason's to be bitter, resentful even angry. You weren't. You loved, you cared, you were happy. Your friends were like family. Your family was blessed to call you family. You are loved. Maybe more than you knew. You accepted so easily people, things, life, death.

There will be no more early arrivals for Easter Dinner, St. Pat's fair, Jaywalking, Birthday parties, Chili cook-off's. There will be no more birthday cards, bowling games, family dinners. There will always be love.

In those final days you heard from friends old and new. You heard from relatives far and near. You held on for this I am certain. When the last goodbyes had been said, you were finally ready to say Hello.

For those of us left behind, you wish only happiness. For even in life, that is all you wished for your daughters, family, siblings, friends. For some of us you will be missed more than you can know. For many of us, you touched our hearts more than we let you know.

I am sorry I never made it back this weekend. Although I suspect you knew I wouldn't. I am luckier than most, I did get to see you! And while not everyone got to see you that wanted to, it was enough to you to know they wanted to. I am sorry for forgotten phone calls. Moments that I wish I had taken more time. Through all of this, you were always there. You always knew. You always forgave. You always loved.

You really have the best seat in the house know to watch all your grandkids (both your daughters and various adopted nieces and nephews) grow. Please help to keep them safe. Please always know you are loved and never doubt you will be missed. You will continue to live in our hearts, pictures and memories!!!!!

I love you Uncle Tommy.