letting go

Somewhere in Georgia, you are sitting in the back seat of the van, probably sleeping right now.

Are you dreaming of mountains...your cousin...New York City...the creek...your brother, sister, daddy or me?

Have you cried? laughed? been sad? bored? or just plain full of excitement?

Letting go..........

You hugged me forever this morning, cuddled up on Nana's couch. All 4 feet plus of you, snuggled in my lap. I made jokes, I cried, I whispered to you, I wondered if I was holding on for too long, but you didn't make a move to be let go, so I held on longer still.

You gave me lots of hugs and kisses by the car...but not nearly enough to fill 5 weeks worth.

It was weird to go pick up your brother and sisters from VBS without picking you up too and tousling your hair because you are too old to be kissed in public.

I miss you like crazy already my sweet precious almost 10 year old little man.

You will have the time of your life this summer, an experience that I would never think to deny you, even as my heart breaks from missing you, my arms long to hold you and I sit crying at the keyboard.

I do not worry for you, that is not the reason for my tears, for I know that our father God will keep you safe and protected, he sees you when I can not.

I know you will be wonderfully cared for and greatly loved, for the ones that enjoy your days right now are the same that raised me.

I know that you will meet cousins you never have, make memories to last a lifetime, visit places I have never been, continue and grow the relationship you have with your Nana and Papa.

I know that you will sometimes get homesick. I know that you will text me and call me lots, you already have. I know that you will grow this summer. I know that you will have more fun than either of us can imagine. I know that you are spreading your wings.

I couldn't ask for a better opportunity for your first time away from home. I am so eternally grateful that you are spreading your wings with family that love and cherish you almost as much as I.

I knew being a parent would be lesson in letting go, in loving, in having faith. I knew it would be hard, the greatest, bestest, most wonderful things in life, often are.

There are 37 days, roughly 900 hours or 53880 minutes until I can hug you again.

Sweet boy, growing daily, don't grow too much this summer. Don't change too much. Don't miss me too much. Don't enjoy the peace and quiet of no sibling squabbles too much.

I will miss our summer baseball watching together curled up on my bed at night. I will miss your laughing. I will miss watching you play trains with your brother. I will miss your sarcasm, so like mine, even if inappropriate sometimes. I will miss sneaking frappe's. I will miss have my front seat passenger. I will miss watching you read, blog, journal, watching TV.

Yet, when I see you again, these things will be so much sweeter. You will not mind the sound of bickering siblings, you will not mind me kissing you in public, you will not mind the annoyances of pesky brother and sisters, you will not mind being called lil cutie.

Adam, this is a new chapter in your book of life, one that will be filled with so many fun times. The memories you will make, the family you will meet, the places you will go. Enjoy every second. Journal often so you remember everything (to tell me and to look back on years from now). Take lots of pictures. Be safe. Have fun. Laugh a lot. Call me often. Text me even more often.

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU BUNCHES ALREADY LIL CUTIE!!!!!

Remember, start shopping for my birthday present now, I want a good one :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When you walk the dogs at night with Nana, remember the moon smiling down on you is also smiling down on us.

I LOVE YOU DOODLEBUG, see you in 35 more days,

Mommy bug

Happy Birthday Twins

I said from the time you both born that God must love me more than anyone else because he gave me twins..

I still feel that way today...4 exciting, challenging, loving, wonderful years later....

Pictures from the days when you weren't so active and I could take them!!!!




33.5 weeks pregnant



delivery day

Here we are



Even the NICU can't keep us apart




1st birthday




twin time with daddy




happy 1st birthday




sand...water....life is great




hehehe




we love chocolate cake




baby bath time




cute baby bottoms




AWWWWW




sleeping buddies




still close




goobers





just because I love this pic





my favorite JJ face



cuties



A funchaos requirement....dancing in the rain



All 4 of my sweet babies



Thank you for 4 great years!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

Jesus...where are you?

For Easter a couple years ago, the dollar store had action figures plastic figurines of  various Bible characters, Jesus being on of them. Needless to say, the Easter Bunny thought they would be the perfect additions to the kids Easter basket. I only remember that Little Momma specifically got Jesus. For a long time she would say, and we would grin, "Where's Jesus? I lost my Jesus!" Jesus went everywhere with us and even slept in bed with Little Momma. After a while, Jesus was occassionally left beyond, never forgotten but not played with as often. Anyway, Jesus has made his was into the bathroom, where the kids frequently baptise him.

Tonight (I may have forgotten to let the water out of the tub) after bathtime, Little Momma goes into the bathroom, where I have just pulled the plug on the bathtub and comes out and asks about Jesus....This is the transcript of the conversation:

LM: Mom, where's my Jesus, I don't see him in the bathtub?
Me: Becca, I am sure he is there, let's go check
Walking into the bathroom, me grinning
I start to sort through the myriad of toys in the tub.
Me: LM, I can't find Jesus.
LM: But I need him, he's losed.
Me: Sweetie, Jesus is white and there are still a lot of bubbles in the tub, I can't find him.
LM: But I have to have my Jesus
Me: Honey, we will find Jesus tomorrow
LM: I want him tonight.
Me: I can't find him tonight, I am sure he is in the tub toy holder somewhere.
LM: But you will find him tomorrow, right?
Me: Yes, honey I will find Jesus tomorrow.
LM: Promise?
Me: Yes
LM: Okay, we will both be so happy when you find Jesus tomorrow

Out of the mouth of babes!!!!!!! I love her and her love for Jesus and hope that as she grows, she continues to search for Jesus and love him, the real Jesus, as much as she loves her Jesus today!!!

I quit

Dear chaosx4 family,

Please accept this letter of resignation dated today, January 17, 2011.

Effective immediately, I am tendering my resignation as your maid, referee, taxi, laundress and yep, even cook.

I hereby delegate my duties to anyone willing to overtake them. Should no one apply for this position, as shocking as that would be, I declare you old enough to be the supervisors of said jobs yourself.

It has taken me many years to accept that perhaps I am no longer fit or was ever really qualified for this position.

To anyone looking to accept this position in my absence, please be aware that the hours are long, there is no salary, very limited benefits and rare gratitude's of thanks.

You will need to begin immediately, and even when you think the day is done, one of them are bound to need you in some capacity even in the middle of the night. They will need you to be willing to wash about 8 loads of laundry a week, prepare 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, transport them to fun events, school and church. Referring will be a HUGE portion of your day. There will be many he said/she said/he did/she did rumors through out the day, that can be taxing to even the most patient of people. You will be required to remember where shoes, clothes, toys and even homework you did not wear, see, touch or do have been left and to find said items as you are walking out the door, in the rain, with no coffee. In addition to no salary, you will always have to have immediate cash on hand for borrowed lunch money for milk and ice cream, in spite of the fact that you did pack them a lunch. You will also be asked numerous times for candy, gum and other unmentionables they know full well they may not have. You will no longer engage in conversation, but rather your vocabulary will consist of simple questions, such as: was that kind? Do you need to use the restroom? Where is your brother or sister? Has anyone let the dog out to go potty? Who drew on the wall? do you have and where is your homework, agenda, planner? Could someone please help so and so? Do you need a spanking? Are you listening and did you hear me?

I will continue to reside in the residence of employment and will be willing to answer any questions you may have. However, you can easily ask your employees as at ages 9, 5, and almost 4, they seem to know and have the answers to everything.

It is with my deepest regret that I have to hand in this resignation. I have tried my hardest day after day to be more than just an average executive. I have provided ample time for play, for extracurricular activities, for learning, for discipline, for giving and most certainly for loving. I have taxied the employees in question to numerous parties, sporting events, school functions, play dates and church services.

I have tried to instill good values, polite manners and a love of humanity in them. I have tried numerous times to show them the beauty in being quiet.

Please be advised though that these are hard employees to teach and train, an attribute that they may find useful later in life, but difficult to deal with as they are growing (between you and I , I am pretty sure they get this from their paternal side of the family ;)

I wish you all the best in your new endeavor and look forward to watching you with them in action.

Please understand that they are wonderful employees. They are cute with a great sense of humor. They can be very intuitive, understanding when you have reached your limit, they will often "step-up" and perform admirably. When they want to, they can be kind, helpful, loving almost angelic even. They are very lovable, they do say please and thank you often, even yes and no ma'am and sir. They have the cutest grins, they sing well, have I mentioned they are funny? No, actually they are hilarious. They will make you laugh often and much!!!! They also give THE BEST hugs and kisses and cuddles.........................................

On second thought....they may be sloppy, they may not appreciate folded laundry or clean dishes, but what they lack in those departments, they make up for in love.....................

So, sorry to disappoint any applicants rushing to the door to take over my unpaid, sometimes unappreciated executive position, but I have decided to recant my resignation!

Choo choo

It seems that the last few months, we have fallen off track. There are various excuses and reasons for this. But, needless to say, I feel like a train that is chugging along aimlessly through the woods and hitting a tree is inevitable.

So... the train conductors of Insane Chaos, formerly known as funachaosx4, have decided that we are steering our way into the nearest station.

We are overhauling this train... new paint, new assignments, new destinations, new expectations. We are rebuilding this train for maximum efficiency, cohesiveness, and fun.

We are expecting there to be setbacks, area's of tracks that need some fixing along the way, but watch out world because when we are fully functioning, after all improvements...Funchaosx4 will be back and better than ever!

Courtesy

****** DISCLAIMER... this is NOT directed at any of my family or friends. Do not feel pointed out or guilty (unless you are :) lol)) ******

This is a soapbox blog. I reserve the right to do this from time to time :) Its my chaos, my world, my blog, my right..... ;)

I have to question where common courtesy went.

I am going to sound like my grandparents when I say.... "I remember when..."

But, really, I do remember when people were courteous.

Where did that go and why?

Have we gotten so use to talking in text and IM that we have dehumanized and desensitized ourselves to the social politeness of caring people?

Sitting at Starbucks tonight having coffee with a friend, I observed a lady hold the door open for a couple that she was not with. Neither party in this said couple made an attempt to hold the door for each other in place of her. Furthermore, neither of the couple said thank you to this woman.

REALLY?

Was their time and energy so much more valuable than hers that they could not be bothered to remark on her kindness?

(before you comment and say, maybe they were deaf and unable to speak, they weren't!)

I have taught all 4 of the funchaos kids that they do not get anything without saying please and thank you! This is not negotiable. Yes, sometimes they need a gentle reminder, but for the most part, this is embedded into them! There is no negotiation on this!

Yet, I have witnessed on more than one occasional a fellow classmate or an occasional friend that routinely do not include these simple niceties in their day to day vocabulary.

Really, are we as a society not teaching out children the fundamental value that everyone deserves to be treated with politeness. Yes, everyone!

I am honest enough to admit that yes, I have had times where I have cut someone off in traffic because I was in a hurry or I have huffed at the person in line with 16 items in the express lane and yes, I have felt bad later for it!

I do not think my time, my energy or my words are any more important than yours!

Lately, I have become a texting addict. Now I know a couple people who for various reason's do not text.

I have to admit that I do frequently text in their presence. I don't really think about it being rude, but one such friend finds it very offensive. In their opinion, it feels like I am ignoring them to talk to someone else. At first I denied that fact, stating that I wasn't really "talking" with anyone else. Yet, the more I began to think about this the more I have to admit, they are right.

For me, texting comes with the same courtesies as any other form of conversation. That said, I absolutely hate when I am in the middle of a texting conversation and the other person disappears. Now, I realize we all get busy, we get carried away at work, we get called into a meeting, we have to break up a sibling squabble, change a diaper, whatever. BUT, I am talking about the total absolute none response from mid conversation, even a long time later, even enough to say, brb or gtg! To me this is the same as walking away in the middle of a person to person conversation!

Because I too have been guilty of this, I will admit it! If I have done this to you, I am terribly sorry, please forgive me!

Little man has begun to IM via fb. I have had to explain to him that even this form of communication requires him to be polite. Say thank you when someone asks how he is. Inquire how they are feeling in return. Say good bye when you are done talking. Yes, you are just punching letters on a keyboard, but there is a person on the other end of your keyboard. Even though you can't see them, they are there!

The other night I was driving home. It was dark and sort of late. There was a lost puppy running in the road. There was no thought involved on my part when I pulled over to help this puppy and I'm sure, its sad owner. I was happy to say that with me, 2 other cars pulled over to help.

A few months ago, I accidentally ran out of gas. I had the 3 little's in the car with me. It was the middle of the day, a very busy intersection. 4 lanes of traffic separated me and the gas station. I immediately put on my hazards. Embarrassed and crying, I called the closest person to me, my mom, to come to my rescue. Thankfully, she did. But in the meantime sitting there waiting for her to show up, I was passed by 3 police men and probably 200 other cars. The ONLY person to stop and ask if I needed help was a young girl, probably in her very early 20's. That's it, no one else. Not the men in work trucks, the police officer's who swore to protect and serve, the hundreds of other people so involved in their day, their worlds.

Now, I too have been guilty of passing by a person in need. Mostly this is done out of fear, I always have the kids with me. Yet, I have on more than one occasion stopped when I have witnessed an accident or rolled my window down and asked if someone needed help or me to make a phone call.

These simple acts do not make me a hero. They make me human. They make me compassionate. They remind me, my kids that everyone's life has value. That we are here to help each other, to be courteous!

There are so many little ways we can help each other, we can be polite and courteous, that it seems too easy. There are so many ways to be kind and compassionate that when we blatantly choose to overlook them, it seems that much more rude!

I pray daily that I continue to instill in my children this simple value.

When someone says hi, answer them. When someone opens the door for you, say thank you. When you ask for anything, anything at all, always say please and thank you when it is given. When you hurt someone either accidentally or on purpose, apologize. When you are conversing with someone, regardless of what method you are using, don't be rude and walk away. When someone says how are you, respond and ask how they are in return, whether you care or not isn't important. When you see someone in trouble offer to help them. When you don't want something, say no thank you! If you say you are going to do something, do it!

We are all busy, we are all important. Everyone has somewhere to be, someone to talk to. Everyone's time, energy, love is just as important as the next persons.

Be courteous!

Soapbox empty now.... If you've ready this far, thank you! If you have seen yourself in this post, I am sorry! If I have been un-courteous to you, I am deeply sorry! If you are compelled to say something, leave me a comment, but please be courteous :)

future photogs

Now that we are 3, we are learning all kinds of new things........


Is this thing on?
I think I see something

Yep, it's working

Does my syrup masterpiece look blurry to you?

Aaaah, clear.....that will look better in my portfolio

Camera shy or guilty party?


I don't know about this....

Okay, let me fix my hair

Shhh. Don't tell mom, ok? My first head shot.....

I should have gotten dressed this morning. It's okay, Jason, no one will know it's you.....

Let's work on framing.....

No, no, it's all in the lighting....

Did you hear that? Is mom coming?

Action shot... glad you got dressed

Take a picture of our birthday present, our new game

Wait, I think my finger is in the way.....

Oh, that's better.........

Now watch us learn to zoom

Closer

Closer.......


CLOSER......


Gotta go... mom's coming......




P.S. KEEP OUR SECRET, DON'T TELL ON US, OKAY?

forging ahead

Usually I write letters to you guys on your birthdays but somehow it seemed fitting to write a letter to you tonight.I put you guys to sleep in my room tonight so that your daddy could repaint your room and turn it into a princess haven. It was so bittersweet to cuddle with both of you together. Reminiscent of days gone bye. As you have gotten older the chance to snuggle with you both at the same time has turned into more of a battle than an enjoyment. Tonight however, you both seemed to sense that changes were coming. You argued not over who got to be closer to mommy but of wanting to be by each other.For 3.5 years (if you count since conception) you guys have slept together (at least in the same room) nightly (with the exception of about 10 NICU days). Even when you were struck with the stomach flu last year, you...me...daddy all slept together. Most things you guys have done together. You may have learned to walk or talk at different times, but you still did it together. You guys still wake up in the morning or from nap time and play together for a while before you join the rest of the family. You still ask for each other when you are not together.Tomorrow will be the move from the big kid room & babies room to the boys & girls rooms.You guys are ready to be with your same sex counterpart. Jason and your love of all things boy and Becca your desire to be just like your "best sister in the whole wide world, Katie".I hope you become closer to your siblings. Mostly Jason and Adam. Not that you aren't close, but your age spread has been more of a disadvantage to you two than the girls. Yet, I so hope and pray that you never lose the special bond you to have. The ability to communicate in half sentences and looks or mere grunts.
You guys are unique in your right as siblings. I envy you that. You complete each other in ways nobody else, even your spouses, ever will. I am glad that you are opposites, it makes you each so very unique. Yet, you are each others yin to yang and I hope you always will be.
So, while it will be bittersweet to separate you two tomorrow, it will also be cute to watch you guys forge new ways independent of each other. I do wonder if you will carve out alone time just for each other, if you will sneak into each others rooms or beds. For even now, sleeping in my bed, you are turned into, facing each other. We have always said that you guys let us into your world. May you hang on to that world in spite of not constantly being right next to each other. And may you always know and appreciate how lucky you are to have a twin.
I love you my big kids....my boy and girl...my twins...forever my babies....