Happy birthday little man

At 10, can I still refer to you as little man? I suppose, to me, you will always be a little man, or at least for the next few years!

10.....wow! How did this happen exactly. Double digits. I guess, officially at least, I can no longer say that I am the mother of 4 young children. Being in the double digits makes you older, more than halfway to legal adulthood.

10 years has gone by in the blink of an eye.

It seems just yesterday, I was on my way to the doctors office, praying that this would be the day that you entered into this world. Not 5 minutes into my drive, the radio begins to announce that our country is under attack, in a way that you will learn in history books, but never fully understand unless, God-forbid, tragedy like this strikes again in your lifetime. All at once, my prayers immediately change and I not only begin to pray for the families and lives affected by the horrific events occurring, but I also begin to pray, that you rest in the safety of my belly for just a little while longer. Remaining pregnant with you really was no sacrifice, I love every minute of being pregnant, and truthfully, I wanted and needed your day of birth to be a joyous occasion.

Exactly two weeks to the day later, you decide, Albert with quite a bit of coaxing and then forceful withdraw, to make your entry into this world. The video of your birth, both funny and amazing. I still cry to this day every time I watch it.

You never left my sight after you were born. You were such a precious little guy, well, not exactly little at 8lbs 1oz, but little still as only a newborn can be.

You were an absolutely perfect baby. You only cried when hungry. You were content to sleep, a lot. You were so laid back and easy going. You smiled often. You ate like crazy (still do), there was (is) nothing you don't like.

I have had the blessing of being your mother for 10 years now, and honestly sweet heart, there is nothing I would change. Sure, there have been times you have driven me crazy, all kids do, but every moment I have been blessed to parent you has been wonderful.

You are changing so much these days, growing so quickly, physically...mentally...emotionally.
Truthfully, as much as I love the young man you are becoming, I long to stop time. The changes in you coming so fast as of late, the mommy in me is having a hard time adjusting.

I thought when I let you go with your grandparents, for 5 weeks alone this summer without me, that I was giving you independence, letting you spread your wings (while under the watchful eye of those that raised me), giving you a break from being the big brother. I thought I was letting you do all these things for just 5 weeks and then I would have back my little boy.

The truth is, that I didn;t acknowledge at the time, that you needed those 5 weeks to spread your wings, but once spread, they will never go back to where they were. You will never again be my flightless bird.

We were all walking through Target a couple weeks ago. Picking out new school clothes for the girls. As we walked by the boys section, you stopped and picked out an outfit that you wanted. The style, taking me very much by surprise. You picked out a shirt, jeans, a jacket and even a hat, that I would have never thought to buy you. And ever so slightly, my heart broke.

Laying in bed that night, talking to your dad about the day, I began to tear up. Your dad looked at me in complete disbelief that I could get sad over your choice of clothing. Yes, it seems that simple. Yet my heart knows that you picking your own style of clothing is so much more.

I have always picked your clothes, never caring what you wore, really. I have always picked your style, short or jeans and a t-shirt. You have always been perfectly okay to go along with whatever I picked.

But, you are continue on to spread your wings farther. You see sweet heart, the simple act of picking your own style is the first big step in being your own person. You have developed and will continue to develop still, your own identity, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, passions, wants and needs. A simple shirt selection, reminds me that you are your own person and will be spreading your wings more and more in the years to come.

I am not ready. I am not sure a mother is ever ready, but I am certain I am not! I want to hold you at 9 forever. I want you to always have you excited that I volunteer in your classroom. I want to always know that I am the prettiest girl in your life. I want to always know that you will be my little boy. Yet, you won't be.

You now have the option of joining clubs at school, about two dozen different after school activities to choose from, and again, your choices surprised me. Yet, another opportunity that makes you the unique individual that you are.

Tonight, as I type, I can hear you in your room, having a birthday party sleep over with your friends from school. Your first real sleepover and surprise birthday party all rolled in to one. I have watched all night long as you have interacted with your friends. I am proud of the person you are. I enjoyed the moments of you acting like little kids (and yes, even the moments where you acted like obnoxious 10 year old boys, but I will never admit to that). I loved seeing the smile on your face at receiving the outfit you so badly wanted. I can not wait to see you dressed up in it. I love the fact that you still hugged me when your friends were here. I love that you feel safe enough to be who you are with us and your friends.

I know that picking a new clothing style and clubs are just the beginning of the independence you will begin to seek as you grow. I know that with every step away from me, I will be sad. I know that I can't stop time and keep you at 9. I know that someday you will drive, have a real girlfriend, move away. I know that because I cannot stop these things from happening, nor really would I want to as they are all healthy and a part of life, I will embrace them fully. I may not always like the things you do or say, I may not like your clothing styles (although, I do love your new outfit), I may not always agree with your choices....but I will always support you, accept you, encourage you, love you and hug you.

You will always be my little man, whether at 6months, 5 years or 10 years old. You will always be my little man..... I am thankful to God daily for you, you set the bar on me being a parent. You will always walk the path of being the oldest, the decisions we make, the rules and limits we set with you, will always be a first for us, and for that I am thankful. You make parenting easy and fun. You make me more proud than you will ever know.

I hope you always have the loving, kind, compassionate heart that you do today. I hope that you never lose your sense of humor (maybe the sarcasm a little bit :), your athleticism, your desire to learn. I hope this year brings you wonderful moments full of chances to grow in God, to be a kid, to have fun and yes, to learn new things. Mostly, I hope this year brings you the opportunities to still be my wonderful little man.

You will always and forever be mu little man, doodlebug, Lil cutie.

I love you my sweet, sweet Adam and hope that 10 is the best year yet!!!!!!

Now would you and your friends please go to sleep so I can?! :)

xoxoxoxoxox mommy!

Sweet Andrew

When I sit down to write the kids birthday letters every year, I usually begin to think of what I want to say days in advance. I reflect on each child individually, the growth they have made, the challenges they have faced, the changes that have occurred.

Yet, with you, there is no forethought. The words, flow out of me, often as do the tears. Tonight is no different.

11 years ago, I was blissfully pregnant; you tucked safely inside the security of my body. I was still  enjoying every moment of my regular clothes no longer fitting. Reveling in the joy of feeling you flutter. Peace within the excitement that someday I would see your face and hold your little body.

I had no idea that in 12 short days, I would have the joy and heartbreak of holding my firstborn, of kissing your skin, counting your fingers, feeling them wrapped around my hand. I had no way of knowing, the dreams I had, the plans we were making, would be cut so short. No way to prepare for the heartbreak, sadness and un-regrettable arrival you would bring to my life.

Two friends on facebook, both pregnant, with the automatic tickers that show up announcing how far along they are, the growth that is occurring to the babies they both hold safe. In the last couple days, both of them have hit the 22 week mark. I read of them putting together the cribs, the baby items, planning the baby showers. Their excitement is palpable; as it should be.

Tonight, it brings me to tears. It takes me back instantly to my own excitement and preparations for you; Planning of your baby shower, your daddy eagerly painting your nursery night after night, me constantly rubbing my belly the way pregnant mommies do, the journal writing I did to you, the talking.

And then, just as quickly, the fear that something was wrong, the motherly instinct already fully in tact, the hope that we would defy the odds, the statistics. Ever knowing as all medical advances were made to hold you inside me until you could survive safely outside the security of my belly, that they would be futile attempts. Aware, even as I laid in bed and prayed, begged, pleaded and bargained with God to let me have you just a little longer, that I would really only have you very little longer. Every flutter kick you gave, I savored, knowing by the time my head could comprehend the breaking of my heart, I would feel your kicks no more.

11 years later and I am not sure my head has ever been able to comprehend the pain my heart feels. Yet, my soul knows only peace.

I long to say that I hope these mommies see weeks 23, 33 of their pregnancies....yet does that make it seems as though I wished I hadn't had you? For even with the heartbreak, I never regret you. How could I?

So perfect, all 1.1 pounds of you. absolute perfection. one look at your perfectly formed body and I knew then, even through the heartbreak, that there was/is a God. There is no way, man on our own, is capable of making something so wonderfully delicate, perfectly beautiful and amazingly strong. Oh how my broken heart longs some days to be able to see you again, to hold you one more time, to kiss your soft skin, to hold your hands, to feel your heartbeat, to wipe away my tears at the pure innocence and beauty of you.

I could never regret the gift of your life God chose to give me. Three hours may have been all the time I was given to enjoy you in my arms, but my heart, occasionally broken and hurt that I can not hold you now, knows the love of a mother last forever.

Your life, taught me things about myself that I may have otherwise never learned. Your life, gave me your brothers and sisters. Your life, gave me strength, courage, acceptance, love and understanding.

Three short hours in my arms, a lifetime in my heart.

Yes, I hope each of those mommies celebrate 23 and 33 weeks of pregnancy. I pray each of those mommies celebrate the birth of their babies, their first birthday, the first day of kindergarten, their high school prom and everything else their unborn lives have to offer. Yes, those mommies will have their hearts broke by those babies, yes they will drive their mommies crazy, yes they will teach their mommies so much throughout their lives.

Yet, when you become a mommy, it does not matter where your child lives, heaven or earth, how long they are with you, 3hours or 83 years, or how many physical kisses they can give, a couple hundred or a million millions....when you become a mommy, all that matters is you know a love so profound, so true, so real, so deep, so without understanding, that you never regret it!

Baby Andrew, there may be tears, my life with you may not have turned out at all how I planned or thought, my heart may break again sometimes at missing you, I may long for moments I will never have with you.......but my love for you will last forever.

I love you my beautiful perfect sweet baby.....until I can hold you and kiss you again on your side of Heaven.....

hugs, kisses, and love forever.......

happy 11th birthday beautiful boy....I hope Jesus throws you a big party and gives you an extra hug from mommy.

Happy birthday Amazing girl

On June 15th 2005 at 1:30pm weighing 7lbs 14oz, this little bundle of pink entered my world and stole my heart.

On June 15th 2011 at 1:30pm weighing 45lbs, this bigger bundle of pink own my heart!

Amazing girl. Amazing girl. Amazing girl.

How did I ever get so blessed by our Father to have the privilege of raising you?

I have never seen the face of God, but I see him daily when you wrap your arms around me and say I love you mommy. I rejoice in him daily as I watch you lift your arms out and sing the newest bible song you have learned. I feel him daily when I watch you stop to pray, your prayers so sweet yet earnest and sincere. I witness daily his love and compassion for all things when I watch you in action as Amazing girl the bug catcher.

Through your eyes, I see the beauty of life. For you sweet child, the catcher of all bugs, including roaches (years from now when you read this, yes, you really did catch a roach with your bare hands to put into your bug play ground to play so mommy didn't kill it) see the value of life in everything. You, dear tomboy, my I-want-to-wear-a-dress-while-I-am-catching-bugs girl, are the first to see, save, love and animal God put on this earth (including the 135lb boa constrictor we saw a few weeks ago). You my sweet future tree hugger, despise litter, you will stop no matter where we are and start to pick it up. Sometimes this is troublesome, for the time it takes and the germs your OCD mother knows you are touching. But, above all, this is beyond fantastic! You have such a caring, concerned heart for all that is in this world. You darling love, take the time, that I so often rush through, to see the beauty in this world; in people, in nature, in love.

You are now officially a 1st grader. WOW! You grew so much this year. You started Kindergarten knowing all your letters and numbers, being social and personable. You ended this school year, reading at a 1st grade level, loving to write (hmm, where so you get that I wonder:) and read, and being more social and personable.You love school, every part of it (except for rest time :) and the teacher in me is delighted! You love your sisters and brothers, your relationship with them growing stronger every day from that of forced sibling to honest friends. You love to be active. You love to mimic mommy (yes, this scares me so). You are constantly helping and encouraging others through your words, actions, drawings and doing.

I have enjoyed watching so many changes in you this year. But the one I have loved the most, is watching your hunger for learning and loving God grow daily!

Everything about you dear Amazing girl is honest, true, genuine, giving, loving, fun, laughing and enjoying. I pray these qualities within you never change!!!!

As you turn 6 today, my independent (but still want and need mommy time and hugs) big girl, know that 6 years ago today was one of the happiest moments of my life. When they handed you to me and you looked up at me as if to say, ok, so this you huh mom? I've been wondering what you looked like, now feed me! I thought for sure I could never be happier or love you more....

I was wrong....I love you one hundred and one, 20 thousand, 5, 23, 9 to heaven, earth and back again!

Happy birthday baby girl, I love you!!!!!

Mini-mommy

The other night, after Mr. Producer and I ran a 10K, we were talking with the fab 4 about running. We asked Little Man if he would run a 5K with us and of course he responded with a "yes" and the "well duh" look (you know, since he has run a 1 mile race and placed 20th :)

We then turned to Amazing Girl, who at almost 6 just gets more amazing everyday, (but I'll save that for her birthday blog in a couple weeks) and asked if she thought she could run a 5K. Here is the conversation, with included hand gestures.

Mr. Producer: Amazing girl (because you know I refer to my kids in real life with their virtual name :) do you think you could run a 5K

Amazing girl: Of course.......shrugs, well, how far is that?

Me: Probably from here to Nana's

Amazing girl: That's not far (insert look of "Mommy/daddy you are such silly creatures)

Mr. Producer: So, you think you could do it?

Amazing girl: (Hands open in the air about shoulder height and big smile yet total seriousness on her face) Uh ya, I am a mini mommy you know!

Me: LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH

Amazing girl: runs over and gives mommy kisses!!!!!! :)

Man I love that girl. Her natural humor and beauty and sweetness brighten my day!

So, laying in bed later that night, unable to sleep as usual, I began to think of my Amazing Girl. Her comment that she is a mini-mommy, while complimentary and flattering was also terrifying and thought provoking. A couple weeks back, she was in the local paper as student of the week. The last question the interviewer asked was what she wanted to be when she grew up? Without any hesitation at all, her response was......a mommy. As a parent, you are aware daily that your children watch you, this is no secret or mystery. But all these mommy comments from Amazing Girl led me to lay there and reflect upon the mommy traits that I am instilling in her ever present watchful eyes.

Am I the mommy I want my daughters to grow up and be? N.O.!!!!!!!!

In the dark, the images flash through my head, of all the times I have been undeservedly short tempered with my babies. All the moments I have put them on hold for reasons so very unimportant. All the moments I may have missed where their behavior is screaming out for a hug and kiss and attention.

Oh mini-mommy, I do so hope you grow up and become a mommy.....I hope you learn well and watch from me only the good things. Yet, I know that you won't. I know that you will see the times, where in my human state, I leave much to be desired. I know you will witness the times of my deepest imperfections, I know you will see me falter and fail, you will see me cry in frustration, you will hear me raise my voice in anger, you will see me exhausted and in need of a mommy time out, you will see me rashly dole out a punishment, you will God willing, watch me make mistakes.

Yet throughout these imperfections and human errors, I hope your ever vigilant eyes see so much more. I hope they witness me apologize, which should be more often I am certain. I hope you see more the tears I cry of joy that God choose me to raise you four. I hope you hear more laughter than reprimand, more kindness than hostility, more laughter than exhaustion. I hope you notice many many many more hugs and kisses than spankings. I hope you see the pride in my eyes at the joyful child you are. I hope you notice the wonder of amazement as I marvel at the person you are. I hope, dear mini-mommy that you notice mostly the love.

For through the exhaustion, the bad moods, the errors, there is so much more love than you will ever know until you hold your own child in your arms.

Until the day, you become a full blown mommy, I hope you know, understand and accept that your mommy is completely imperfect, has no guide book, makes constant mistakes, yet is so very thankful everyday that she is privileged enough to be called mommy by you!

I love you completely, totally, without condition my beautiful, wonderful Mini-mommy Amazing Girl!

Baby A...a teenage 4 year old

Happy Birthday Baby A.

Hard to imagine that you are already or is it only 4?

The first to grow and develop, to secure yourself a spot within the dark cave of my belly. The first to let us know what your gender was. The one ultimately in charge of when you would be born.

Right from the start you have always taken charge. You are not one to sit back and wait to see what happens....hmmm, I haven't figured out yet where you get that from ;) 

You are in such a hurry to grow up, often saying you will be 5, 8 or even 11 on your next birthday! You have the innocence of a 4 year old and often the attitude of a 14 year old!

Oh Baby A.....you make me laugh so much. You are so fun. You make parenting easy and enjoyable. You have such a warm, maternal heart. You are empathetic, compassionate, giving, loving, intuitive and caring, yet stubborn and bossy when you want or need to be. You are cautious and shy, yet when you let someone in, it is usually for life. You are typically drawn more towards adults or older children than you are kids your own age. Yet, you know your twin completes you. You are usually the 1st one with a big hug, kiss and I love you, just because you want or feel the other person needs it. You are definitely a leader not a follower and often have a hard time adjusting when things don't go exactly your way, yet you are eager to please people and get saddened when you make someone mad or disappointed with you.

Yep, you are definitely the one most like me!

Even your very name means servant of God! That is so true for you. You have such a serving heart, you are most happy when you are doing for others. You are strong and independent, yet you enjoy being loved and wanted, cuddled and kissed.

Your laugh is so infectious and you come up with the most amazing sayings! You love to giggle and smile. You are happiest playing the Wii, the computer, riding your bike, reading a book or just talking!

This past year of your life, you have really asserted your independence and strength and sometimes you get very frustrated when you need help with things.

Oh sweet baby girl, all of these traits will serve you so well later in life. You will be an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend! You are already an amazing daughter, the perfect sister.

You have the best relationships with all your siblings. You embrace and need your twin time with Jason, you cherish your girl time with Katie and you adore your big brother time with Adam.

Little Momma.....slow down! Enjoy this year of being 4. It will only happen once. You are growing and maturing everyday, convinced if you try hard enough, you can will yourself to be as big as Katie. SLOW DOWN! You are perfect, beautiful, wonderful just the way you are.....4 years old and all!!!

I so look forward to what this year brings for you. Academically, you are going to excel. You already know your numbers, letters, shapes, how to write your name and you are even learning sight words. Socially, I enjoy watching you trust and accept other people more every day. Emotionally, I hope you accept and embrace being a 4 year old. There is so many fun things for you to do at this age! I know this year will bring you closer to God, you are so eager to learn about everything, including Him and His love for you!

Thank you Becca for being sweet wonderful you, even with your impatience about your age, you are one of the best 4 people to have ever been blessed with!! I am not sure I ever did anything good enough in the Lord's eyes to deserve you, but I go to bed nightly and thank Him for giving me you!!!!

I love you my sweet bear bear!!!! Happy birthday darling!!!!!

Happy 4th birthday baby B

The initial ultrasound showed 2 babies. 1 developed at 6 days more advanced than the other. The warning given that Baby B may not continue to develop.

You fought to prove them wrong.

You grew more slowly at first, always a few days behind, watching Baby A then to see how it was done. When you decided to grow, you went from 4 days behind to an exact match.

You fought then to catch up.

Not as close to the surface of my ever growing belly, sometimes your movements went unnoticed.

You fought then to be felt.

Baby A, making her will know that she would decide when delivery day would come. She came out first, with a scream, letting the world know she had arrived.

You fought then to stay in.

Out you came, Baby B....crying loudly..., mad, that your quiet peaceful, dark, cozy world had been invaded. You weighed more and screamed louder.

You fought then to be noticed.

So busy screaming, crying, and even peeing in protest as they removed you from your comfortable confines, you wouldn't be bothered with doing things their way. Instead wanting to breath too quickly, swallowing fluid.

You fought then to forge your own way.

Impulsive even at birth, you could not know the dangers your simple actions would cause. From screaming to blue and hardly breathing within seconds.

You fought then to set your own way unaware of the risks.

12 long days of an ICU stay, 2 really bad days of not being sure you would stay with us.

You fought then to come home and be loved.

Your vitals sketchy, your restlessness having to be matched by sedation for your own good. Your twin sister placed with you and you immediately calm down.

You fought then for the time to spend with your twin.

You never cried when they poked and prodded, your only cry from being hungry or left unattended to long.

You fought then to be feed and loved.

You perfected your charm and cuteness in that ICU bed.

you fought then to stand out.

Daily worry, prayers and wonder at what you would do, how you would be, when you would come home.

You fought then to win title of "I gave mommy her gray hairs"

We brought you home. So excited, so loved, so ready to make our family complete by having all 4 of you under the same roof. Safe, now healthy and completely loved and smitten.

You only fought then very occasionally for some alone time with mommy and lots of twin time with your sister.


All the traits you displayed in the 1st 2 weeks of your little life have never changed, even today.

You are laid back, charismatic, cute, charming, snuggly, loving, funny and a fighter. You fight only for the things you want most in life. More than willing to let others lead the way, have the attention. You take silent risks, you are spontaneous and impulsive. You are fast and active. You live by the motto that it is better to apologize than ask for permission. You are and happy to accept your place in life at being the baby. You watch as others forge ahead and make mistakes and then you try with almost perfection......when you and you alone are ready!

I knew from birth Baby B that you would be content to be in the shadows of the 4 but would shine in your own way! And boy do you shine!!!!

JJ.... You are all boy, your love of cars, trucks, planes, dirt, trains, balls, busyness!!! You are content to play by yourself but if quiet for too long, well mommy better come check ;) You push the envelope and sometimes my buttons with you impulsiveness and mischievousness. Yet, you have a kind, loving, giving soul. You see the beauty and importance of every animal and person. You make me think of new ways to parent, always keeping me on my toes. Yet, you are the 1st one to cuddle, hug and kiss!

I am glad you are a fighter! I love you more than you will ever know until you become a father yourself. I will perhaps always worry about you more than the others. You may get reprimanded more than the others. You may give me more gray hairs than the others. But, that's okay, because I just may love you more than the others!!!!

I love you birthday boy. They last 4 years have been the best of my life because I have you to call my son.

Happy Anniversary Mr. Producer

Laying in bed listening to you softly snore and watching you sleep. I can't help but think I am a lucky girl!


With every couple friend we have that gets divorced I can't help but reflect on our marriage.

It is not perfect, Lord knows sometimes it seems its been equal parts work and love. But, truthfully, there is no one else I would rather work at and love with than you!

Sometimes I think of all the things we have not in common and wonder what we do.

And then it hits me... does it really matter?

I relax by playing on the computer or reading, you by watching tv.
I am more assertive...take charge, you are more laid back.
I am more social...outgoing, you are more introverted...a homebody.
I am more practical day to day, you are more of a dreamer.
I am more concrete, you are more abstract.

Yet, in spite of these differences, we have something in common that is more important than our children even... We have our love of each other!


And in the end, that is what it is all about. Being in love with each other! Everything else is just a bonus!

I love you, when we agree and when we don't, when we are happy and fun and when life gets in the way, when we are being silly or when we are being serious, when we are rich (ok maybe that hasn't happened yet but it will someday:) or when we are poor, when you are home or away...

Thank you for 13 wonderful years and for giving me the most beautiful perfect space ever in which to celebrate, relax and enjoy!!!!

I LOVE YOU, I hope you never doubt that and always know just how very much I DO!

Happy Birthday Buddy

9?! Wait, what??? You can't possibly be 9!!! How did that happen??

This is your last year in the single digits! WOW!!!!!!


I am watching and listening to you play with your younger brother and sister right now and all I can say is...Adam if you are half as good with your own kids someday as you are with your brother and sisters, then you are going to be one heck of a dad!!!

I am not sure you are aware of just how proud I am to be your mom!

Yes, I am proud of you for being on student council, for excelling at football, for being a cub scout, for being involved in the church play, for getting good grades.

I am even more proud of the character you have. You are loving, patient, helpful, kind, funny, compassionate.

I do not know who you will grow up to be, what you will do as a profession, how many kids you may have or where you will live. I know you will not be perfect, you will as we all have, make mistakes...

But I hope you know....I will always be proud of you!!!!

I love you very much and am honored, proud and blessed to be your mom!!!

10 years

Dearest Andrew,

I don't have to look at the date on the calendar to know its your birthday. I can feel it getting closer... in my heart, in my soul.

I don't often get sad on this special day. I guess today (and the last couple days) is hard because it is hard to believe it has been so long since I held my angel in my arms. The years go by quickly. I am busy raising your brothers and sisters.

I write you a letter every year on your birthday and think of you daily, how can I not? Yet, when I pause to write your letter this year I am overcome that so much time has gone by.

For the first time since that long first year immediately after you went to heaven, I find myself wondering what you would be like...

Would you be into football like Adam?
Would you be charming and comedic like Jason?
Would you be serious like Becca or outgoing like Katie?
Would you still have a head full of black hair like your daddy?
Would you have endured a surgery or two because of your club foot?
Would you still be long and lean?
Would you have difficulty in school?
Would you have been the less than .0001% of kids to thrive beautifully without any complications from arriving so early?
You would be going into 5th grade this year.

Oh Andrew, sometimes it seems crazy to miss something you spent such a few precious hours holding, but peanut, what I would give to hold you today. I know someday we will be together again, but today, mommy misses you dearly!

Never for a minute think I regret having you. Those were six of the best months of my life...feeling you move, jumping from hiccups, kicking. Even as I knew I was losing you, laying there all night long knowing nothing could be done, I cherished every movement. I was overcome with joy when you were born, alive...so little, but absolutely perfect and alive!

I can close my eyes and remember every detail of that night, all my worries, questions, second guessing, guilt. Trying to push their way to the forefront of my mind, yet every movement you make reminding me to not waste a precious moment.

I only have 1 picture of you, yet I know that I do not need to look at it to remember every facet of you. Your nose, identical to mine. Your hair, feet, body build all your daddy. Your eyes stayed closed the whole time, you didn't make a sound, we knew you wouldn't be here long, but the smell and feel of your small body is woven into every inch of my heart!

I would never exchange those 3 hours of feeling your heartbeat, holding your fingers, kissing you, marveling of your beauty and strength for anything in this world. That time was just pure perfection.

You were, are and will always be perfect.

I could never have known then the gift you would give me in all your siblings and I believe that a part of each of them make up the young man you would be today!

While I would never change a second of my time with you, how I long for it back. Even with knowing the outcome and all the pain, how I long to see and hold you again.

And while I know that will not be for a long time to come, please know that in spite of the tears I shed today and the pain I feel, I rejoice in being called your mommy!

Peanut I miss you terribly and love you more. May you celebrate your going home day with our Father and know that we too are celebrating you here on earth!

With all my love, forever and always.... mommy!

p.s. look for the balloon the kids and I will be sending your way later tonight... know there are a lifetime of hugs and kisses filling that balloon!!!!

I love you peanut!

35

I remember my mom telling me once that 35 was one of the hardest years of a woman's life. And as usual, she was right :)

While I may not yet be 35, this has been the 35th year of my life.

There has been much self discovery this year. While I am a far cry from being the person I want to be, I have come to learn some truths this year.

I am still learning to admit my faults and say I am sorry more easily and quickly.

BUT....I have learned...

*You never stop discovering or learning about yourself.
*Being passive can be a good thing, but you also have to stick up for yourself, regardless of the consequences.
*Friendship is hard sometimes but well worth the work.
*Marriage may be harder than friendships, but it is even more worth it.
*Usually the simplest expressions of love are the ones that mean the most.
*I get a little more neurotic as I get older but a lot less judgmental.
*You can't always choose who you love, but you can always choose to love.
*We all do things we swore we never would and we can choose to quit doing things we are if we work hard enough at it.
*People will and do change and that those changes individually may not be for the best but when combined with the rest of what makes a person, they can and should be embraces.
*Not everyone will like and accept you the way you are, even people that once did.
*Life...love...parenting is challenging but the beauty and joy found within it truly do outweigh the challenge.
*True friends don't judge you even when they want to but instead are always there for you.
*I still need my parents as much as I did when I was a kid, but for entirely different reasons.
*Doing things for one's self does not make them a selfish person, but strengthens their character and the roles they are in in their life.

Perhaps though the biggest lessons I have learned is compassion, understanding and acceptance.

There are many miles I have left to walk in this world, God willing. There are many adversities and blessings I have yet to face. But it is my job as a person, child of God, wife, parent and friend to have compassion, understanding and acceptance for people whose situations (whatever they may be) are different than my own.

May the next 35 years bring me as much joy, lessons to learn and as many blessings as the last 35!

My sweet children

I laid beside you today and watched you as you slept. Normally enjoying the quiet of bedtime, today I missed you, the noise...laughter...smiles...i love you's.

You are growing up so quickly, yet you will always be my babies.

Your hands still small, yet you feel as though they can take on the world without me.

My role as your mother seems ever changing. I am referee, protector, guider, helper, boo boo kisser, band aid administer, tutor, teacher, explorer, fellow dreamer, fort maker, cook, spiritual adviser, social planner. Yet, I am always giver of love.

I pray that each of you know that every decision I make, every rule I enforce, every spanking I give, every time we do something fun...silly,every hug and kiss...I do because I love you!

You are all my world. Before and after each one of you I thought my world was complete.

Thankfully God knew that without each and every one of you my life was far from complete!There is nothing in this world that I would ever trade for you!

I am sorry that I am sometimes not as attentive as you want...need me to be.

I am sorry that sometimes I am selfish and want you to go to bed...sleep, earlier...faster.

I am sorry for the times that I have taken for granted with you. Moments when I was with you but not really there.

I am sorry I don't listen more. I am sorry that I correct and discipline sometimes too harshly.

I am sorry that I don't play more.

I am sorry for times I have chosen to nap or go out instead of playing with you.

There are a million reasons why I can apologize to you 4! Daily it seems I add to that list.

I can only say I am sorry!

You are all wonderful children who daily strive to make me want to be a better person and parent!

I love looking at the world through your eyes! I love your trusting insticts, your faith, your love, your thirst for life and learning!

May each and every one of you always know Gods love like you do today! May you always be filled with His grace. His ability to forgive. May you never question His love for you, instead always rely on the knowledge that He only wants what is best for you!

Life is not easy, but with God as your foundation, with the unconditional love and support from me, with the bond and love of each other; life will always be worth it!

I don't know what the future holds for each of you, but I certainly know that my love will always be a constant. I know that regardless of where you go and what you do in life, I am proud to be your mommy. I know that each of you have similiar traits, you are all giving, loving, caring, funny, kind people and that your differences make you unique and the wonderful persons you are!

You 4 are the best kids in the world and I know I don't often tell you but man, you make life fun and wonderful!

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET CHILDREN!

Dearest Katie

Wow! Is it possible you are 5? It is so hard for me to believe that!Your birth was the easiest, the most fun and memorable of all the kids. It is hard to fathom that was 5 years ago!

This is a big year for you my sweet girl. You are headed off to kindergarten soon. You are so excited to be going and ask daily when we can go buy your school supplies. You are so eagerly anticipating this new adventure. The strong face your present to the world. The independence that you show. You have no fear of heading off into Adam's school, conquering it and making your own life there with new friends. You will love school as you are so eager to learn and figure things out!

Yet, because you are most like me. I know that there is a small part of you that is nervous...scared. It's okay sweetie! Every new step in life is scary but almost all are worth it!I wonder what changes this year will bring for you and Becca. You 2 have become even closer this year sharing your princess bedroom! I do hope and pray that your closeness remains in spite of you going off to "big girl" school!The change in your from 4-5 wasn't as dramatic as 3-4. Your personality hasn't changed much, only increased! You are more dependent, determined. You love more deeply and get frustrated just as easily. You are vibrant, outgoing, joyful, full of life. You have always been giving andthoughtful adn this year that too has grown. Every time you go to the store, you point out things other people would like, not thinking of yourself even when you have your won money!You are the perfect tomboy. Some years you will not like that, but it really is a great way to live! You love to put on and wear make-up, dresses, high heels. You love to have your nails done and be dainty. Yet, with freshly manicured fingers, your hair in pig tails and a dress on, you can almost always be found outside finding and loving bugs! There isn't a bug in the world that you won't pick up, want to name and keep forever! You have such a loving heart to all things God has created! You equally love to garden and plant things! There is no such thing as too much dirt to you!Embrace these qualities in you Katie for they will be major attributes as you grow!You out of the 4 are the most passionate. About life, love, animals, the world, learning! Never change that!!! Passion, caring, love and kindness are some of the best traits you can have!
There is never a day where I am not thankful for you! It is my first prayer in the morning and last prayer at night, I thank God daily for you and know that you complete my life!I am never more proud as when you call me mommy!

I love you Bean!

Bird

wow. little man, I can not believe you are 3!

I can not believe that for 1098 nights I have gone to bed and thanked God that you are here. From the moment of your conception, I prayed that you would be born healthy. And even though we had some tough days immediately after your birth, I am even more blessed than I deserve to be.

Oh Jason, you are the consummate baby! While some may see this as a bad thing or being weak, I quite honestly view it as just the opposite.

You have learned very early on in life that there is something to be said for sitting back and watching. That sometimes, you learn just as much by watching without actually doing.

You were like that with walking, talking, potty training. Becca was first to do all those things and you were content to learn from watching her. Almost immediately when you began to walk, talk, use the potty it was with few mistakes.

You have learned that sometimes it is easier to let the girls have their way. To let them be the boss. You will make a great husband some day :)

You are the most like your dad in the respect. You are very laid back. Yet, when you want to stand your ground, you rarely back down. You don't get mad easily, you take out most of what is dished your way but you won't let yourself get beat up either.

I worry sometimes that because they outnumber you, that the girls take advantage of you. But of all the kids, you are the one that is happiest to play by yourself and the most vocal about telling the others to leave you alone.

Often times, it seems the girls don't know how to play alone or be alone. But, you are comfortable being alone in a way that even a lot of adults are not!

A friend made a comment a few days ago that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. As soon as I heard those words, I immediately thought of you! The indication there though is that you are intentionally doing something wrong because you know permission will not be granted. Rarely is that the case with you I think. Usually, I think it is simply that you act first and think later.

While this trait may get you a few more spanking than the other kids. It can also serve you well later in life if you use it correctly. I can see you most being either a public servant or an engineer of some sort. Either profession can benefit and often requires you to do and then think.

Jason, you have never lost that beautiful grin or the big bright eyes you had as an infant. You have also never lost your big heart. You are so full of love. You would give up anything for anyone. You see the value in everything, from a cock roach to a person. You are the one most likely to go with anyone, rarely seeing the bad in a person. You have the amazing ability to be both a fighter and a lover. To be curious and excited over the big things, the stars...airplanes to the little things, ants...m & m's. You love to cuddle and give and receive hugs!

There is no doubt my little blonde angel that from conception, you had to fight to be here. You are strong. You are sweet. You are perfect!

I am looking forward to the challenges, laughs, hugs, learning, experiences, memories, cuddles and fun that this year brings.

Your curiosity and joy at life make it both fun and exciting to be your mommy! I am proud to say you are my son!

I love you JJ bird!

Bear Bear

I remember holding you in the hospital for the 1st time. It was just you and me, alone. I was still pretty drugged up and very worried about your brother. You were fine, healthy as could be, just being kept in NICU, guilty by association. The nurse brought you to me. I remember looking at how little you were, so excited to be able to nurse you, hold you! When you were done nursing, I laid you on the bed, unwrapped you, counted 10 toes. I looked at your cute little belly. Your eyes wide open. Staring at me as I talked to you. The sound of my voice bringing recognition and soothing to you. I honestly remember feeling so wrapped up in concern for your brother (and the kids at home) that I wasn't overcome with emotion for you! I knew you were healthy, I was happy you were born, happy, safe, here finally.

The first year of your life is a blur of breastfeeding, diaper changing, crying, sleeping. The next year was made of learning. You mastered walking, talking, eating, laughing, loving.

For you the age of 2 has been wonderful! There were no terrible 2's for you!
This has been the year you have developed your personality and come out of your shell.

Of all the kids Rebecca, I think you are the most like me! You get mad very easily, then forgive and forget just as quickly! You don't let others in easily but when you do they are in for life. You love to randomly say I love you. You know how those 3 little words don't need to be said but how they put a smile on the face of the person hearing them. You are passionate. You are very independent and strong. You don't want to admit you need help. Often you will ask for it then just as quickly change your mind, saying you can do it yourself! You love to help others, you like to be close, to cuddle, to hug, to kiss. But you also walk away when you need your space. You freely admit that you need time alone. You love to please people. You are your happiest when everyone around you is happy, content and loved. It makes you nervous and upset when people are mad, yelling, fighting. You love to laugh and giggle and fall into giggling fits that are very contagious! You have some very cute, quirky habits that I just can't help but love.

I am so looking forward to watching you continue to develop your personality this year. It is bittersweet to watch you grow. On one hand, I am sad to see you leave a stage behind and on the other I am excited to watch you learning and exploring! You have a shy curiousity about you that is both sweet and endearing.

I love watching you and Katie grow closer as sisters and friends. Yet, it is sweet to watch that you and Jason have not lost your special bond of being twins!

I hope that this coming year brings even more wonderful memories, places to visit, things to learn.

I am proud to be your mommy and I love you Becca bear.......

a picture

Oh squirt!

The tears, hot on my cheeks, barely held in long enough to put your brothers and sisters to bed!

The face the world sees, the story the world hears, the girl the world knows. Sometimes, it is all a facade. Even the strong cry! Even the sure are weak. Even the heart full of joy cries. Even the blessed have regrets.

The kids came across your box tonight! Their attitude of you so accepting. They feel no sadness, they embrace the fact that you are in heaven waiting for them, watching over them. They are eager to soak up information of you. Slightly, they are jealous that they never got to see their brother. Their angel. Their Andrew.

I shared with them the treasured physical joys that remain of your brief but wonderful time here. The blanket, half the size of a full term babies. The booties and cap, way too small for even a baby doll. The measuring tape was held against various size babies to show them how tiny you were. The shell used to baptize you. Adam took pictures of everything, so sweet and quiet he processes any mention of you. Katie looked at the ultrasound picture and said, it sure is dark in there. Becca and Jason ooohed and aaahed over everything. Katie remarking about how much she missed you! Becca just saying, my angel. Jason loved how cute the little things are. So heartwarming, sweet, gentle and tender to share these precious momento's with your siblings. So wonderful to hear their easy acceptance, their joy for you without the pain.

I can talk about you for hours without tears. I look at your feet on mine and don't get sad. I think of you and smile.

Tonight, oh sweet boy.... tonight.... I smelled the cap that you wore and I swear I still smell you! Even that didn't make me cry. Sad, yes. But not cry.

I thought, so blinded by a mothers love, that I could share the only picture we have of you with your siblings. I foolishly thought it was better than I remembered. Quickly, before I could change my mind, I dug it out from its safe spot. OH Peanut.... my heart breaks.... For a moment I am simply a mother who has loved and lost! I am only a mommy who longs for another chance. My breath is taken away at the picture of you. It is quite simply, quite honestly the hardest... most beautiful...saddest...most wonderful and heartbreaking picture I own!

I don't know if the tears I cry are anger at not being able to share your picture with the world or tears of regret for not thinking to take our own or tears of saddness that even 9.5 years later, sometimes it still hurts or tears of joy over thinking of and talking about you!

I do not regret you. I do not deny you. I will take the pain over never having had you anyday! I only regret that I do not have a picture worthy of sharing with the whole world!

Someday, when the kids are older, I will share your picture with them.

Until then, my sweet baby, I leave you with Katie's made-up song at bedtime.

"I love my Andrew, I miss my Andrew, I'm happy for my Andrew"

I LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY!!!!!

forging ahead

Usually I write letters to you guys on your birthdays but somehow it seemed fitting to write a letter to you tonight.I put you guys to sleep in my room tonight so that your daddy could repaint your room and turn it into a princess haven. It was so bittersweet to cuddle with both of you together. Reminiscent of days gone bye. As you have gotten older the chance to snuggle with you both at the same time has turned into more of a battle than an enjoyment. Tonight however, you both seemed to sense that changes were coming. You argued not over who got to be closer to mommy but of wanting to be by each other.For 3.5 years (if you count since conception) you guys have slept together (at least in the same room) nightly (with the exception of about 10 NICU days). Even when you were struck with the stomach flu last year, you...me...daddy all slept together. Most things you guys have done together. You may have learned to walk or talk at different times, but you still did it together. You guys still wake up in the morning or from nap time and play together for a while before you join the rest of the family. You still ask for each other when you are not together.Tomorrow will be the move from the big kid room & babies room to the boys & girls rooms.You guys are ready to be with your same sex counterpart. Jason and your love of all things boy and Becca your desire to be just like your "best sister in the whole wide world, Katie".I hope you become closer to your siblings. Mostly Jason and Adam. Not that you aren't close, but your age spread has been more of a disadvantage to you two than the girls. Yet, I so hope and pray that you never lose the special bond you to have. The ability to communicate in half sentences and looks or mere grunts.
You guys are unique in your right as siblings. I envy you that. You complete each other in ways nobody else, even your spouses, ever will. I am glad that you are opposites, it makes you each so very unique. Yet, you are each others yin to yang and I hope you always will be.
So, while it will be bittersweet to separate you two tomorrow, it will also be cute to watch you guys forge new ways independent of each other. I do wonder if you will carve out alone time just for each other, if you will sneak into each others rooms or beds. For even now, sleeping in my bed, you are turned into, facing each other. We have always said that you guys let us into your world. May you hang on to that world in spite of not constantly being right next to each other. And may you always know and appreciate how lucky you are to have a twin.
I love you my big kids....my boy and girl...my twins...forever my babies....

Confidential to Mr. Producer

Rarely am I melancholy when I watch you pack to leave. Seldom am I sad, lonely. Occasionally, I even look forward to your trips. That may sound harsh and uncaring to some, but for our schedule, the frequency of your trips, this is a fact of our lives.

Tonight as I watch you, I am struck by how much I love you! You are making a list of last minute items to pack, folding laundry, picking out your clothes, dusting off your sport coat, snuggling with the kids, and I am amazed at how lucky we are!

I don't know if it is where you are going, the length of how long you will be gone, the time of year you are going or the lack of communication we will have but I miss you already! I am sad that you are going and can't wait for you to come home!

I know that things have been, crazy...different around here for us the last little while. I know that I wouldn't hold you back from this or any other opportunity that life hands you. I know that I only want you to be happy in life! And while I dont' know what the future holds, what exotic locales you will visit, what opportunities will come your way, what more blessings life will give us... I do know with total certainty that I LOVE YOU!!!!

Please stay safe, know that you are missed, enjoy every moment of this trip, this chance, take lots of pictures, remember every detail and come home soon.....

We love you forever.......

Happy Birthday Adam

Where to start little man?

You aren't so little anymore. It seems daily, hourly you are growing and changing.There are so many dreams and hopes I have for you as you grow. Some are the same prayers echoed by parents the world over. I pray you stay healthy, happy. I pray you stay innocent, loving.
This year has brought many changes, some rough times and some wonderful memories.I loved all the time we spent together going to Indiana, Georgia, Jacksonville, Disney World. This year seems to have been the year of traveling. With every new destination, it seemed another side of you developed. Jacksonville and Indiana found you working with daddy. Being his ever present shadow and helper. While Georgia and Disney World reminded you, us that you really are still a kid.
I know that there is a lot asked of you, the oldest of the group. Sometimes fairly, other times, not so much. I want you to know doodlebug, that I try hard to not ask you to raise your brother & sisters. I make a conscience effort to only enlist your help when it is an absolute necessity.
I know that right now, you are not old enough to appreciate the request for help means so much more than asking you to tie your brothers shoes. Someday, you will realize that simple requests for help carry with them my trust in you... my appreciation for the young man you are... my confidence in your ability to complete a task without supervision... my desire to strengthen your fatherly, compassionate side... my need to make sure you have the strongest bond possible with your siblings... my love for you in allowing you to be my shadow...helper...friend.
Buddy, I joke that you are just like me. The truth is, you are the most mixed of your daddy and I. You have my knack for perfection and his seriousness. You have my love for God and his love for science. You have my love of farming, growing and his love of making things. You have my love of the computer, music, writing and his love of goofiness, relaxing, fishing.I have no crystal ball as to what the future holds for you. I do not know where we will live in 10 years. Whether you will join the service, go to college, learn a trade. It remains to be seen whether you will ever marry, have kids, be wealthy.
I can only be certain you future holds a few key things. I promise to continue to instill in you a love for God, first and foremost. I promise to continue to always love you, unconditionally. I promise to seek your forgiveness when I have done something wrong. I promise to continue to teach you...right from wrong...good from bad...math...english...how to grow a garden...how to say i love you...how to cook...I promise to always support you in life's decisions. I promise to always be here...day...night...at 8...18...38...I am always here! I promise to always love, accept, cherish and be thankful for you!Happy belated birthday little man....I love you!!!!

Happy Birthday angel

The birthday letters I write to the kids every year are letter to them, for them, as they get older. They are notes filled with stories of the people they are turning into. Lines filled with words of accomplishments they have made in the last year!

My yearly letters to you are for me. They are notes filled with stories of how much I love you. Lines filled with how you impacted my life and continue to do so long after you are gone!

9 years! I have a 9 year old! That astounds me and well, honestly makes me feel slighty old!

They say every persons grief is different. Even grieving for the same person, individual people respond differently! The same hold true for years later.
What is even more amazing is that years later people who never knew you grieve for you!

I realize every year on the day of your birth just how much I am loved. Friends, always sweet and kind, seem to realize that on this day in particular I need to be taken care of a little more! They seems to know without having been told or lived through it, that an extra hug, a smile, a kind word will go farther than any other day! On your birthday, I am reminded that while I do all for everyone else, every other day, that on your day I need to be human, I need to take time and let others love me!

On your birthday I am reminded that there is a huge world over which I have no control. There are some parts of me, I have no control over! I am reminded that some of the greatest joys in life are not things that we actively seek out. Some of the finest moments we are given are those that God allows to happen.

It seems that every year that passes someone new learns about you! The reaction is usually the same, you can see they want to be sad, they want to hug you, they want to know how I survived the pain. For some, I suppose it shows I am human! My answer is always the same...I had to survive, I wasn't the one He called home. That letting go is heartbreaking but when left with no choice, you learn to accept. That sometimes in quiet moments, you still cry but for the most part, you are so busy with the chaos, you smile and move on!

I think this year your greatest gift to me has been to show me that no matter how bad life gets, I am a survivor! This hasn't been an easy year, for many reasons. There are times I have been tempted to throw in the towel, give up, walk away from anything and everything. Then I think of you. I look back on the most difficult time in my life, watching my own child go home, and I know that I can survive anything! I am strong, but human. I am tough but easily bruised. I am fearful yet confident.

I have never looked at your life and death as a badge to be worn. I have never thought of surviving the death of my own child to be a coat of armor wrapped around me. Yet, I realize, I am who I am because of who you are.

I look constantly at my tattoo. It warms my heart to see your feet on mine. I wonder would we have spent hours dancing around the living room while you were a small child? When I got the tattoo done, I blogged that it was for me. I sit here now and wonder if this isn't yet another way you are holding me? I love that every time I look at my foot, there are your feet. I hope that others look at it and feel peace like I do. I suppose there are some that don't and may never, but for me, I get a smile that goes straight to my heart!

On 8/25/2000 from 9:30am-12:29pm, I was irrevocably changed. I always say I held an angel that day. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe you were holding me. Maybe you knew that as the years went by I would need you some years more than others. Maybe you knew then that mommy was only human! I am certain then you knew that I loved, breathed only you!

Before you were born, on your birthday, today, tomorrow, forever....
I love you Andrew Joseph!

Happy birthday Katie

This is late in coming but I have been so busy watching the beautiful girl you are turning into that I haven't had time to write this! It is hard to believe you are 4! I am not sure where the years are going, but they are flying by. Before I know it, you will be asking me for the kerys! I have seen so much change in you from 3-4! You started school this year. While I looked forward to you going, making new friends, learning new things; I didn't anticipate missing you this much. I never took Adam to pre-k for the 1st time, daddy was home then. Boy did I cry the 1st day my big girl left! I would never hold you back from new adventures, even if I couldn't go, but man, there were days I wanted to watch you from the window (and some days I did)! You are most definitely the most like me! You are such a social girl. You love to be around, watch and interact with people. Yet, you are cautious. You are passionate about life and love. You wear your heart and emotions on your sleeve. This isn't a bad thing sweetie. When you get older you will hate that people can read you so easily, but believe me, it really is a good thing! I pray you never have anything in your life to hide! You loved school this year. You made some good friends; some will come back next year and other yoiu only havd the joy and privilige of knowing this year. You really became a "little momma" this year. You love to help and cook. You have the BEST sense of humor!! I could listen to you all day, you make up the funniest songs and saying. Even your clothing reflects your sense of humor! you can wear anything and make it look good! You and Rebecca have become very close this year! You love and fight like sisters. Sometimes I am envious of the relationship you girls have! I hope and pray constantly that you will always be close. You are close to Adam and Jason but you and Becca have a special sister relationship. you still look up to and frequently ask when you are going to be ask big as Adam! I wonder if you will always look up to him or if you will be content to be Becca's big sister? You and Jason are a lot alike; you are both very energetic, playful, silly! You two spend a good bit of time vying for our attention. I pray that as you get older you will all stay as close as you are now. You are still (and always will be I am sure) a daddy's girl! That's ok, every little girl needs her daddy! You still need me and love to snuggle with or play dolls with me. You have grown emotionally and spiritually this year too. You easily accept all the gifts the Lord has given you and while you ask about your brother in heaven and your puppy there, you are not saddened by them being there! You love life to much to be saddened by much! I hope and pray you are always that way! you are a very good girl at lostening and obeying and maintaining you individuality all at the same time! You are an awesome child Katie. It is bittersweet to watch you grow. But, since I can not stop time, I promise to enjoy watching you grow. I look forward to what this next yearbrings in your life! I am proud to be your mommy and I thank God DAILY for picking me to be the earthly mother He chose for you! I love you BEAN!!! Happy 4!