happily sad

It's the end of the school year. A time I usually look forward to, being the mom that loves having her babies home for the summer in spite of or perhaps because they drive me crazy. I like knowing what they are doing all day, hearing their laughter, watching them learn, explore, grow and play. I know this time with them is limited. The chance to just be a kid, to have no where to be at a certain time every time, to play in the rain, to enjoy life. I know the opportunities to do these things with them goes away with every passing day as they grow. I know that some day, they will want more than the simple pleasures of riding their bikes all morning, taking a nap, relaxing in front of the TV, and playing in a 2 foot pool. So, with warm weather and ample trips to the beach, summer brings with it the chance for even mommy to be a kid again. A chance for me to slow down and enjoy life in its simplest, innocent form, to look forward to a rain storm just for the chance to play in it.

I have always loved the elementary school my kids have gone to. They, and I, have made some wonderful friends, some great memories and fantastic opportunities. I am blessed they are part of many activities within their schools, that they are accepted and loved for who they are, that they are encouraged to grow and learn.

Today, the last day that my kids will go to their elementary school is met with sadness that overshadows the happy of them starting summer vacation.

The choice to withdraw them from their current school was not one I made lightly. It wasn't an easy decision, it is one that I prayed over. The choice to withdraw them from a place that has been loving and accepting was done only with the best intent for their future.

For as much as I love their school, the very school system within they attend and I work, leaves something to be desired.

It is this desire that led me to withdraw them from their school and place enroll them starting next year in a new school. Yes, this new school is in the same system, however, it is a charter school. A charter school differs from a public school in the fact that a charter school is more directly parentally involved, students have to apply and be chosen to attend, their discipline is stricter. They are a public school, with accountability reported to the stater and funding provided by the state in addition to local businesses. They are much like a non religious private school but without the tuition.

If I only had 1 child I may never have pulled them out of their currently elementary school but when you take in to account all 4 personalities, this was the right choice for all of them.

But, even knowing you made what you think is the right choice, is still hard sometimes. I walked away from the kids school today with tears on my face and a sadness in my heart. I will desperately miss some of the people at their school. I know the kids will miss many friends they have made. We will all miss people that have impacted all our lives. Yes, some of these people we will remain life long friends with. Some of the friends we have made are even transferring school with us. But some people, current friends, will fade away with the passing of time, looked back on lovingly as people that have made a difference in our lives.

I understand that throughout our lives we will always have friends come and go, this is a lesson kids learn young on the playground. Sometimes it is even necessary and desired to allow some friends to fade from our lives. But, I hope those friends that fade away with time, know how special they were and are. Just as I hope the kids and their former school know that there is no place else I would have wanted as our 1st school experience and I look back on our 4 years there with great pride and wonderful happy memories!!!

Now, bring on the rain, naps, late nights, no schedule, sleeping late, ice cream eating, beach and pool playing days of summer :)

what I learned for $1500 please Alex......

If you know me well, you know that I often take on too much,  that I have come to live by the motto, go big or go home and that I am a recovering OCD perfectionist.

Yep, you read that right..... recovering.....

It seems all these years that I was suffering from being an OCD perfectionist.

Well, I finally got help for that.

I am no longer quite OCD or suffering from it.

I have accepted the fact that I am OCD and I have further accepted the fact, that the world is not going to come to a screeching, ending halt, if everything isn't perfect!

Yes, this bit of wisdom was shocking to me as well.

My recovery process was easy, so easy in fact that I almost didn't notice it taking place.

What you ask, aided in my recovery?

WORK AND GRAD SCHOOL!

You see when I decided to go back to school, I arrogantly thought it would not impact my life that much. I would only be giving up the hours I spent at night watching TV....I thought! When I decided to go back to work, albeit part time, I thought it would serve as dual function to make extra money and have time to do homework (because we all know a substitute is a glorified babysitter :)

I THOUGHT WRONG!!

Somewhere over the course of the last 4 months, I learned a whole lot more than just linguistics, vocabulary and webquest. I learned......

I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, not true...not even a little.

But I did learn how to juggle. I learned to ask for help and actually accept it. I learned that I can live on little sleep. I learned that I MUST HAVE COFFEE! I learned that I am stronger than I thought, that I am more organized than I thought, that I am a bigger nerd than I thought! I learned that everyone needs a schedule, but that too can be changed, forgotten and mended as needed. I learned that what truly does look like complete and total utter chaos on the outside, makes perfect sense to me, but I also learned that it making sense to me isn't enough....It has to make sense to the people in my life! I learned that my house is not ever going to be clean as long as I am in school and guess what.....it's okay (ok, maybe I am still convincing myself of this one :) I learned that my kids aren't going to be malnourished if I make them macaroni and cheese with a fruit or vegetable for dinner (come on now, you knew I would still HAVE to give them a fruit or vegetable) and in fact, they actually LOVE it and want it more often. I learned that guilt is equal parts over-rated and equal parts necessary. I learned that I could actually live without watching TV but probably (most definitely) not facebook. I learned that I love driving on the interstate for an hour with the windows down and the music loud (ok, maybe I always knew that). I learned every classroom in the world is kept at freezing cold sub zero temperatures....seriously people... is there really a need for this? I learned that I do love to read, but really, 3 books on the exact same subject may be a bit much. I learned how to enjoy my time with the kiddo's more and sneak in minutes with them, that I may have otherwise passed up. I learned that I NEED time to be just Tracy...not mommy, not Mr. Producer's wife, not my parents daughter, or even my friends friend...and I learned NOT to feel guilty about this. I learned that I need an ipad, yep, need :) I learned that the kids, the animals and even Mr. Producer won't starve, will pitch out when absolutely necessary and they do notice when I am gone and are happy to see me when I return. I learned that my mom is truly the best editor in the world, I learned that my OCD perfectionistic ways could be squelched a little, I learned that I MISS THE GYM AND RUNNING. I learned that I have to leave myself sticky notes to remember to do the checkbook. But, most important....I learned that I am surrounded by some of the most supportive, funny, best friends and family in the whole wide world!

I learned that even though I take on too much and am perfect at nothing, I am pretty decent at quite a few things, juggling and going big are a couple of them!!!!

Now, I have to go look up the definition of a mop, see if I still have 4 children (that is how many I am suppose to have, right?) and answer the demanding shrill of the checkbook and the fervent plea of the gym!

I am the master of.....

1-4-11

Today was the day. I woke up full of excitement at getting to go back to alma mater to start my masters degree...even if the visit was only a check-in with my academic adviser. I got dressed, yep jeans and a t-shirt...hey I am a college student again after all, dropped off the kids and headed to the interstate. My confidence was high! I spent a couple years there, sure I expected some changes, but i am the mother of 4 kids so I'm not easily intimidated :) The drive there was a piece of cake, my swagger wagon did it on almost autopilot. I'm minding my own business, radio loud, I may or may not have been singing along :) I pull into what used to be my standard parking area and this is where I realize some things might have changed!!

#1....parking is now all metered....gulp, no more free parking, man this education is getting more expensive, I wonder if the cost of parking there night after night, week after week, can be added to my financial aid. Alrighty then, I pull into a parking space, oblivious to the fact that one of my greedy snot noses fab 4 has swiped almost all the change I had for milk at school. CRAP...... Do the meters take pennies? Ok, no sweat, my mother always taught me to keep a quarter in my wallet for an emergency phone call....from a pay phone, does anyone else remember those or am I dating myself? And yeppers, I still have one!!!! So I scrounge together a few nickles, maybe a lowly dime and I am good to go. This meeting better be quick...I got 45 minutes in my meter!

Obstacle 1.....OVERCOME!

Purse and school bag on my shoulder, swagger wagon doors shut (if you know me at all, having all 4 door actually shut can be a pretty big deal) and locked, confidence still high, off I go to Master the world!

#2 VERY BAD change.....there is a chick-fil-a...on campus...connected to the education building.... and we have already established that I HAVE to bring money weekly to pay for parking.....OH THIS isn't going to be good, just another "cost of education" to add to my financial aid!!!!

obstacle 2.....ignore Chick-fil-a sign (at least until after end of February)

#3 Um, wait a minute, where do I go now since they changed and added LOTS of new buildings? Ok, I will not look like a lost lonely student...I can conquer this. I look up and yes the education building, is still the education building...whew!

obstacle #3.....no problem!

#4 I arrive at my second floor destination by way of the stairs...yep, getting my exercise...really I did see the elevator and choose to NOT use it! I locate the correct room and door. I am greeted and introduce myself....only to discover that I am 45 minutes early.....W.H.A.T?????? Since when am I early for anything?? Okay, wait, way to make a great first impression, maybe it will never come out that I am a crazy mother of 4!! OH NO!!!!! I only have 45 minutes in my parking meter.....do I admit this or sit quietly and wait it out hoping I will get called early or at the very least no one will notice my expired meter?

obstacle #4...hope for the best and text to pass the time :)

#5 I am NOT called back early and I will NOT worry about it! I am finally called back, confidence still in check and worry over yet another added education cost in the form of a ticket, replaced by excitement to finally be advised. I walk in to the inner chambers of my academic advisor with her doctorate degree. I have my classes precisely picked out for the best nights of child care and activities and scheduling! Dum, Dum, Dum.... the classes I have picked, while they have no mandatory prereq....it is STRONGLY advised that I take the unofficial prereq. 1 online class and 1 classroom class. AW MAN! Mr. Producers schedule is best right now for 2 classroom classes.

Obstacle # 5...learn how to drop/add classes quickly!! This is just a minor setback!!

On the plus side, I love my academic advisor and never once think of the incurring parking ticket I am sure awaits me!

#6 Time to talk money... There is a grant for people like me (no, not old mothers of 4 who decided to go back to school because they are dorks not being challenged by 3rd grade fractions)!!!! Woohoooo.....free money baby!!!! (Side note, I still have yet to pay a penny for undergrad loans on account of Mr. Producer and I have both never worked at the same time since we decided to embark on the joyous journey of parenthood....hint, hint...next blog entry in the making). So even bigger Wooohoooo free money baby because I need more student loans like I need more kids!... Oh, dear Farmer girl (no, My AA does not call me this :) I am so sorry, but while your 3.7 GPA here at the university was beyond impressive, your I'm an early 20 something and don't care about these classes at JC GPA, was a little less than impressive. This grant takes into account your overall GPA, so I am very sorry, but you do not qualify!

Obstacle #6 Guess, I;ll be too busy paying off my students loans to actually help my own children through college....sorry guys!

Meeting adjourned, schedule mapped out for the next year. My academic advisor has increased my faltering confidence by accolades of my GPA at the university my determination to accomplish all goals in spite of having a life.

I nervously head out to my car, by way of Chick-fil-a (which happens to be closed, thankfully) because I may need a "make me feel better" treat. And holy, holy, holy...the miracle of all miracles... I have NOT been issued a ticket on my much expired meter!!!

Excitement rebounding, I call Mr. Producer to tell him all about my day. I am at least a Master of the drive there and home, if nothing else. I have done this so many times, I can do it with my eyes closed, so I can certainly talk and drive..... Or maybe NOT!

#7 I am so busy chatting my dear husbands ear off, that I miss the HUMONGOUS signs that say exit now, and I end up going across the bridge to the other side of the bay!!!!!!

Obstacle #7...I don't know whether to laugh, cry or quit at this point! Someone just point me to home and my babies, where they won't know my mistakes and still think I am the Master of our home!

From my little city to a bigger city to yet an even bigger one to home....from confidence, to unsure to embarrassment to confidence again... From I am making the right decision to I don't even know what I am cooking tonight for dinner let alone to what I will be doing in 2 years to making the right decision again....I AM HOME! I see the house where my babies are safely tucked inside away from the cold and I can not wait to hug them and not be reminded of the mistakes I made.

I walk in the door, arms wide open to Little Momma, who instead of saying hi mom, says....Did you go over the bridge and you forgot to bring my bike!!!!!

Once again, I am reminded that I am the Master of nothing, that life is a constant learning process, but one that despite its many obstacles, I dearly love and embrace!!!!!

If you have hung in there this long and are still reading, then you, my friend ARE the Master of either love, reading or boredom!!!