Love

I was sitting this morning in silence while the kids were at school looking out the window.

In the quietness, I began to reflect on things within myself and my marriage.

Please Mr. Producer know that this is not intended as a laundry list of things you don't do. Rather this is me finding beauty in the things you do. Please realize honey that I am only sharing this with the world because, well, after talking with some friends, I realize that whether this is our marriage or theirs, everyone can benefit from reading this!

I love that he makes my coffee every morning, that he gets up with the kids in the morning and gets them dressed, fed and ready for school. In and of themselves, those are expressions of love!

For a while now, I have been realizing that the more I mother and wife, the more I long for Mr. Producer to do more romantic things with me and for me.

I long for him to turn off the tv and dance with me in the living room. I long for him to kiss me more, longer. I long for him to sit by the fire with me at night and just talk. I long for him to text me in the middle of the day, calling me beautiful and just saying I love you, whatcha doing.

These are the things that I need to hear...do...want to feel like more than his co-parent and roommate. These things to me are an important sign of love. They are a way of knowing he still sees me as his girlfriend yet with the security of being his wife. These are the things, more than the coffee that would show me his love.

Yet, as I am thinking of these longings, a bird flies by. Instantly, I am focusing more upward. I am likening my relationship with Mr. Producer much like my relationship with God.

I know by the gifts of my children, friends and family that my Lord loves me. He lets the sun rise every morning and the moon shine bright every night as a sign of his love. He gives the beach, the birds, the smell of rain as a gift.

Do I want more as a human than this, yes. Does he give the sun, moon, birds to everyone, yes. Do I want him to give me romantic moments, yes.

Yet, when I slow down, when I realize that phone call came from a friend at just the right moment. When I realize that another trip to the bathroom by one of the kids before we leave the house could have been the 1 thing that avoided us from an accident. When I realize that the dr. called when I was pregnant with Adam at just the same moment I lost Andrew, wanting me to come in immediately because they felt something wasn't right. When I realize that the rain fell on the day that I planted a garden. When the bird stops at my window, looks in and sings for a moment. These are the moments that I know God is romancing me. These are the times that I know he is showing me his love.

If I didn't stop for a moment and pay attention to these things, I may miss them. If I didn't look beyond the obvious to see the true meaning, I wouldn't recognize the moment for what its worth.

The same is true for Mr. Producer and I. If I didn't pause for a second and realize that he could in a quick state forget to make my coffee. That he could be grouchy and mean about me staying in bed. That he could ask me to work. That he could not give the kids a bath while I finish cleaning the kitchen so we could both relax together.

If I didn't pay attention to the little moments, the gentle expressions of love, I could take them for granted. I could believe he does those things because he has too.

Do I still want him to dance with me, kiss me, romance me, in the way that I want him too, YES!

Do I still want God to let me be financially free, allow Mr. Producer to work from home, give me perfect children. YES!

For today, will I look beyond what I want and enjoy what they give. YES! Will I spend a little more time today appreciating their love. YES!

(but Mr. Producer, if you turn off the tv tonight and dance with me, I wouldn't turn you down :)

I LOVE YOU!

Thank you God and Mr. Producer for the daily expressions of love!!!

wanderlust

Sometimes the urge strikes to just run away....

To turn your back on the chores at hand...

To forget about the to-do list, the obligations, the technology, the seeming worries and burdens....

Sometimes, the wanderlust hits and you want to leave it all behind...

Then if your like me, you call your voice of reason.

And you are reminded that you are indeed very blessed, very lucky, very loved.

Even if the reminder comes in the form of a stern no!

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words and hear what isn't said.

The chores will be there when you return.

The to-do list, the obligations a reminder of all the things you do because you love.

The worry and burdens, simply taken care of by prayer and faith. If not for that, then they will be taken with you anyway!

Sometimes, you just have to play a game of Uno Moo with a sweet, loving, bright, beautiful 3 year old to remember, enjoy and appreciate that you don't need to get away.... that everything you need is within your reach...

Thanks voice of reason and said 3 year old to remind me of what I have known all along.... I am one lucky wife and mother!

I love you all!

ask and recieve

I wanted someone who would dance in the living room with me
*** I got someone who makes my coffee every morning ***

I wanted someone who would tell me I am beautiful
*** I got someone who allows me to stay home & raise our children ***

I wanted someone who made me feel like a princess
*** I got someone who doesn't complain when the house isn't clean ***

I wanted someone smooth, fun, exciting, intoxicating
*** I got someone honest, faithful, loving ***

I wanted someone to sit on the couch and snuggle with me all night long
*** I got someone who forces me to sit down at the end of a long day ***

I wanted someone daring, exotic, mysterious
*** I got someone who is laid back, goofy, unfailing ***

I wanted someone to "cuddle" with in the rain, under the stars
*** I got someone who will go to the store in the middle of the night in the rain ***

I wanted someone who would make me his world
*** I got someone who has given me the world x 4 ***

I asked for someone perfect
*** I got someone perfect for me ***

Remember the best things in life are not what you ask for, but what you are given.....

Happy 12 years Mr. Producer!

I LOVE YOU!

Human

Many of my friends, including my single mom friends, have stated on numerous occasions that they honestly don't know how I do it. This statement usually follows a conversation about Mr. Producers job and the hours involved or something not so pleasant the kids have done...

My standard response is that I just do... That I have no choice... That the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle!

A couple friends have even said that I am more machine that human. This has never been said as a derogatory statement, but rather to indicate that I am seemingly tireless. That I can and usually do, do everything. That I rarely let things get to me.

I have even had 1 or 2 friends tell me that I could be a single mom. That Mr. Producers hours and traveling are long enough, that there are times where I am. I have been known to agree with this statement more than once.

Well, let me set the record straight tonight.... I AM HUMAN!!!!

The extended weekends that Mr. Producer is out of town, I lovingly refer to as flying solo. I usually look forward to my own time with the kids. The chance to keep the TV off in the evening, to go to bed when I want to, to eat the foods/meals he doesn't like. In fact, when he is home for extended periods of time, we have both been known to look at each other and jokingly ask when he is leaving again.

When Mr. Producer is in town, it is not uncommon for us to talk via text or phone a dozen or so times a day! Of course, we have the evenings or nights together too. Whether we are talking or watching TV or doing our own separate thing, we are still together, in the same house, neighborhood, city, state, country. When he is out of town, even across the country, we still talk via text or phone calls, extensively. There are times where we are on the phone for an hour or more at night, sometimes talking, other times just watching a TV show together.

When we found out he would be traveling out of the country we immediately inquired of our cell phone carrier if his phone would work overseas, how much it would cost per minute to talk, how much texts were. With our new found knowledge and his new global rental phone, we thought we were prepared for his departure. We decided ahead of time that due to prices we would only talk via text and that 1 day midweek he would call and we would all be able to say hi and hear each others voices.

I thought I was okay with this. I thought I would relish a whole week alone. I had dinner menu's planned, food I knew he would never eat. I have a couple girls nights planned. I couldn't wait to NOT listen to the blasted TV nightly.

That is, until the text came in today (via a coworker) that his phone was not working... AT ALL!!!!!

In that instance I became aware of exactly how I "do it". That 1 little text, so full of a weeks worth of silence, I realized what I have that a single mom doesn't. In those 3 lines, I knew how lucky I was.

I "do it" because I have the love of my best friend. I have a man who for better or worse, loves me. He is there for me. He knows me, in ways that no one else does. He shares my memories. He loves our children. Even when he is out of town, we still talk, he is still there. Even when we are mad at each other and choosing not to talk, we are still there for each other. I know that at any moment I can call him. I know that even if I am being annoying and bothersome, it's okay. I know that if there is an emergency, a car accident, a trip to the ER, a sad sorry to tell about school, he is there!

When in the flash of an eye I thought he wouldn't be there....I knew then, maybe more so than I realized in a long time (because we can all admit to times of taking each other for granted) how much I loved my Mr. Producer. How much I depend on him to be my sounding board. To listen when I need to vent. To hug me when I need to cry. To make me laugh when I am overwhelmed. To call me on it when I am being crazy. To set me straight when I am worrying or being overbearing. To just read the text that says I love you for no reason at all.

I do it all with God's help, I will give my Lord that credit. I do it because I ask God for and he grants me daily, patience... understanding... love... stamina... energy... strength

I also do it because He gave me a best friend... He gave me another person to share it all with... He gave me someone who even though he may not always be here in flesh, he is always here!!!!

I "do it" because I am a very lucky girl......

p.s. Mr. Producer did get his phone fixed. We won't text much or talk often because of the cost, but at least I know he is there :)

Ex's

We all have them. The degree to which they were a part of your life may vary, but even as early as second grade, there are boyfriends and girlfriends now...OH MY!!!!

What do you do when you run into...hear from an ex?

For some of us, an ex might be a time in our lives we would much rather forget exists. For others, an ex is now a reassurance that life is good. While for others, an ex just might happen to be a good friend.

I can honestly state that I am not currently friends with any of my ex's.
This was not a conscience decision. I have no problems with people, myself, or husband being friends with an ex. I guess I just figured out that I really didn't like them enough to want them in my life in any capacity!

With that being said however, I am grateful for all of my ex's, whatever their involvement in my life at the time. I am equally happy they are not in my life now. Although, I will admit to there being times I want to let them in briefly so they can see how far I have come. And, really, who wouldn't want to show off their family if it were as wonderful and cute as mine :)

A few months back, I had an ex, one I happened to be very involved with contact me through facebook. I debated on whether or not to respond. Our break-up was not exactly amicable and polite. But, 14 years have passed and really, I don't even remember what is was like to live with that man. Mr. Producer and I talked about it, briefly. Again, really, wouldn't I want this person to see how wonderful my life has turned out? Anyway, I opted to NOT respond to this person's email and 2 friend requests. Really, friends? Even on fb that is never going to happen...lol!

I chose not to respond, in spite of my immaturity to show off my kids, my life. I simply chose not to respond, because I didn't want any ensuing drama. I didn't want to give the impression that somehow maybe I still cared?! I didn't want to be involved in his life. PERIOD!

Thankfully, the anonimity of facebook allowed me to quietly hit reject friend request, delete email...end of story.

Last night, while out to dinner with Mr. Producer and friends, I saw another ex. While he saw me too, we did not speak. I can not saw whether we may have had I not been with other company, but I can say that out of respect for my husband, there really was no choice in not talking. I was and am okay with that. I could tell by looking at him how life has been treating him.

I wish no ill will on these men that use to be a part of my life. I would grieve if something happened to them. I have and will continue to pray that God grants them happiness and peace in life.

While seeing or hearing from them may have opened the floodgates of memories, both good and bad, it also reminded me that I am grateful for all the people that God brings into my life.

Some people look at past relationships as failed attempts to find happiness, I embrace these relationships as an opportunity to learn more about myself, life and love. The friend, wife, lover I am today has been shaped by the effects of these relationships on my life.

So, while I thank God daily for all the people in my life, both past and present, I thank Him even more for choosing the one that he did for me to wake up to each morning!

It only takes sunscreen

I have a friend, very dear to me. I would open my home to her in a second. She is strong, resilient, beautiful. She has 3 wonderful daughters. Beautiful, they look just like their mom. They will grow up to be strong women too, all the while loving and kind...just like their momma. I have never met her in person. Yet, through the marvels of modern technology, I can feel her disappointment, hurt, devastation at the unraveling of her marriage. This brave woman has suffered more loss, hurt, and heartache than any other friend I have, yet she perseveres.
She recently got a tattoo. For her, this was an expression of hard work, remembrance of a loved ones, a birthday present to herself.

It got me to thinking....what if life were like a tattoo?

Some of you will be shocked (and may even tune out) to learn that I, myself, am going tonight to get my own tattoo. Mr. Producer has talked about getting a tattoo ever since I have met him. I always swore I N.E.V.E.R. would. Well, like many other things in life, I have learned that I should never say never. I am getting a tattoo of something that means the world to me....you will have to wait for the post tonight or tomorrow to see pics, meaning, etc. but in the meantime, know that I have been thinking of this for a very long time, this is not a rash decision. With that being said, the tattoo artist said that I only need to do 1 thing to my tattoo after it heals to give it longevity....

SUNSCREEN. SUNSCREEN. SUNSCREEN. SUNSCREEN. SUNSCREEN. SUNSCREEN.

After I received my friends email of her troubled marriage (which I pray for all involved the Lord will repair). Mr. Producer and I laid in bed and talked about the increasing frequency with which divorce seems to be making its mark on couples we know. Sadly, it is happening to people whom have been together a long time, 8, 10, 12, 30, 40 years. Sadly, all of them have children. Unfortunately, there is not one race, religious preference, or age group that is immune to this horrible epidemic. As for me and Mr. Producer, we are great, but we are always vigilant!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life were like a tattoo..........

Wouldn't it be great if there was only 1 thing you needed to do to be certain you were maintaining the longevity of your marriage. Wouldn't it be awesome to know that it would only take a kiss a day for your marriage to last forever. Wouldn't it be easy, perfect, wonderful to know that the answer to marital longevity could be summed up in one word?

Unfortunately, like all the best things in the world, there is nothing, not a one singular word/act/thought that can make your love, marriage, relationships, last forever....in the real world, it takes more than sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.

To all my friends, family, readers, and loved-ones whom have entered into the battlegrounds of divorce, make sure you have sunscreen close so you don't get burned, know that you use to once love that person and how you BOTH deal with your children sets the stage for how they adjust, and finally, remember always that I will be here, doing the only things I can, sympathizing, listening, praying..... that is my 1 thing...my sunscreen.....my longevity.........praying............

Eeeekkkkkkk

For a brief moment, my world is perfect. I. Am. Blogging.

A month. Has anyone noticed it has been a month since my last blog? I have. There are so many un-posted entries that have run through my head. So many funny stories unshared. So many thoughts, dreams, ideas kept to myself. So many chores, demands that have kept me from one of my true loves. Writing.

I am back. Feeling rusty. Cloudy. Too many thoughts fighting to get out. So, for now, to take it slowly, catch you up and well just share here are the top 10 reason's (either in pictures or words) (in no particular order) why I have longed daily for but have invidiously been unable to blog!

Enjoy! And yes, I realize that this is why I may never be uber-popular. You can't become a household name if you are a hermit............

Reason #1 - this handsome man, aka, Mr. Producer, took some vacation time... who can blog when they are blessed with a week of husbandly help, love, fun and remodeling......

Reason #2 - twin terrible, err, tremendous 2's.... more will be written on this topic I am sure...

Reason #3 - strawberry picking... taste testing....

.....countless quarts of strawberries, 20 pounds of sugar and 34 jars of preserves later.........

Reason #4 - much needed relaxing time spent with BFF, her goofy hubby and sweet baby girl....really need to do this more often.....our 5:30am wake up calls are far from relaxing ;).....

#5 - watching my precious kids act like kids....and joining in.........

#6 - watching the boy and his arm and wondering what the future holds....... man he's good.....

#7 - conquering jungle gyms, swinging..........

.....Easter egg hunts..........

.......... and cake, of course.........

#8 - and perhaps the biggest reason of all - remodeling (I know, I know, this would make more sense with a before picture...... different camera, computer......anyway just trust me.....this was TONS of work)

#9 - Strawberry picking again, with out of state family......................

#10 - just plain having fun, being silly, loving life and letting our hair down, or up, or out....whatever................ it was fun!

I hope you enjoyed my month in review. I promise I will never leave you again for this long, but when you look at these beautiful faces above, can you blame me? Ok, can you at least forgive me?

Faith, hope, love

One of my youngers is determined to ride a bike for themselves. They are not ready. I don't let go. They have no choice. I know what they need, what I am saving them from, even while they don't. They push me away and fall. I don't gloat. I rush to their side. I kiss the pain. I offer again to help. It may be taken or they may be determined to do it again. ALONE. Still I stand and wait.

One of my youngers ask for help with everything. Afraid to do anything alone. I help when I know they need it. I encourage them to try when I know they can. I force them to do it alone (under my watchful eye of course) when they must.

One of my youngers relishes in my world. Doing all things mom. Rarely leaves my side and looks back constantly when they do. They need to know that I will always be here. I will never leave. I will not always be there the second they demand it, but I will always be there.

One of my youngers has very little need for me at all. The independence so strong I only serve a very limited need. They could walk away tomorrow and conquer the world. They will call home at night to let me know though that they did it ALONE. So independent. Yet, I am still here. I still encourage, I still love, I still set limits for I know they do need me.

One of my youngers has a need for reprimand on a minute by minute basis it seems. There is a strength in that. It will serve them well. I am still showing love. I never give up. I continue on. I know there will be a day when my desire will be won. I know they will understand someday.

One of my youngers has such a need to please. To do as told. To willingly accept. To rarely need reprimand. To be easy going and always ready for a hug. They are not my favorite. There are no favorites, only love for different reasons. They all think they are the favorite though and yet they know they are no better in my eyes than the next.

You ask, I will provide. Some provisions are immediate. The need for food, love. Some provisions are forthcoming play dates, outings. Some provisions are really a passing fancy that will not be meet, video games, designer clothes.

You disobey, I reprimand. Some reprimands are severe, a spanking, a I need your attention NOW. Some are just needing time alone. Some reprimands are the gentle voice, encouragement to do better. You cry when you are hurt. I kiss away the pain of a fall. I inwardly ache and stand aside to let you absorb the pain of a spanking. Then I kiss away the pain, after the lesson has been taught.

You have the choice to do things on your own. You have the choice to not listen to me.

You don't have to ask for my advice, opinions, you do not HAVE to seek my help. Yet, you do.

You do not have to love me, yet you do. I do not have to love you, yet I never wouldn't!

I don't have to see to believe
I don't have to touch to know
I don't have to have all the answers
There are many things that won't become clear until the day He calls me home
There are inconsistencies in stories
There are metaphor's I don't understand
There are lies greater than I can imagine

There is faith, love, hope

There are truths bigger than I can comprehend
There are promises greater than I can deserve
There is a love bigger than I expect
There are things I know

My Father loves me like I love the children He has given me.
If I let him, My Father reveals himself through my parenting.
If I let him, My Father sets the example for how I should raise, reprimand, care for and love my/His children.

If I reckon him to me and me to them our relationship is identical, except when he knows more than me (which is always).