Tagged, thanks angela

WooHoo!

For the record, I love being loved!!!

I also love comments, but I get very few of those. (I try not to take it personal)

BUT...I have been shown some love today.

I have been tagged. No, not by Jason's sticky hands or Adam's school yard game.

I have been tagged by fellow blogger, 4h-er, church goer and friend, Angela. Angela has tagged me to provide you guys with a picture. My instructions were VERY simple. Go to the 4th folder in my pics and pic out the 4th pic. Being that I am a good girl who follows directions and loves to play games, away I went.

Nervously!

Not because I have indecent pictures on my computer. HA! But because, photography is not my forte. I am not bad at it, but it is a good thing I have a digital camera. I am constantly snapping in hopes that the kids will sit still, look at me, smile and well just generally be perfect for a moment so I can capture the moment I wanted it to be.

BUT, in keeping it real, that doesn't happen. So I thank the maker of the DELETE button regularly because only God knows what blurry where's waldo pic you might have gotten.

Here is what you really get

No photoshop needed. A picture in motion and you can see the subjects! Go me!!

This is the part where I am suppose to describe the picture, but really I think it would be more fun to get your take.

Sorry Angela, I said I follow the rules, I didn't say that I wouldn't make it my own a little!

Lastly, I am suppose to tag the person who sent it to me and tag 4 people to send it to, B.U.T. I DON"T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT! HELP! and really if I did I don't think there are 4 people who read my blog that have their own blog that would participate. :( I NEED BLOGGY FRIENDS!!!!

In the meantime, thanks Angela, it was fun!

Redbook got me thinking...

There was an article today in the Redbook magazine that I was reading at the gym, hey anything to get me away from thinking about the torture that I am enduring... but I digress... Now I can not tell you what the article was about. I.DON'T.HAVE.A.CLUE. but the following phrase caught my attention

"Write down 3 traits you like most about yourself and but them in your wallet, so if you are having a bad day, you can have a quick, pick me up"

This got me to thinking (again, taking my mind off the torture). What would I, ME, TRACY, write about MYSELF!

{{{{{{{{ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Now, this is not self depreciating in the sense that I want you complimentary comments. SO.NOT.THE.PURPOSE.OF.TODAYS.BLOG. While I love your compliments normally and flattery will get you everywhere, don't patronize me today by complimenting me}}}}}}}}

What 3 traits would I write about myself. I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to come up with an answer.

#1. My eyes. The color and the feelings that they convey.
#2. My

Wow! I am stuck at #1. Is that suppose to happen? Darn.

Would it be easier to write what I won't put and why? Hmmmmmmmmm....

#1. My body... do I really need to say why?
#2. My kindness, in I would give you the shirt of my back, except see #1. I am not so much in the position anyone wants to see the shirt off my back.
#3. My patience...I pray nightly for more...with 4 kids can I ever have enough?
#4. My honesty...is not sharing everything still considered being honest?
#5. My ability to forgive...did I mention that I can/will/do hold a grudge?
#6. My fairness...yea, right. I will admit is, I judge, myself, others, people I have no right to (Hey, I am not perfect, I pray nightly for my shortcomings, I am working on them)
#7. My sense of humor...ummm, yea sometimes you don't want to know what weird things I find funny!
#8 My ability to sing...Even the church would ask me not to sing but rather hum!
#9. My unwavering belief in what can not be seen..except, I question UFO's, unicorn's and the goodness of anything that smells bad.
#10. My ability to love...that is what got me in trouble with food, debt and 4 kids, oops, sorry this is a family blog, right.

Seems, I am not doing much in the area of pick me up....

Then I went back and looked at my list, picking apart each one individually and here is what I came up with.

#1. My eyes, because yes, I do like them, thanks for asking! As for the rest of my body, the parts I don't like. I have made peace with them. There are 4 reason's they are that way. Adam, Katie, Becca and Jason. You have done indescribable things to my body but even more to my heart, so thank you!
#2. My kindness. Hey it may not be pretty, but really, if you need my shirt, it is yours! Just close your eyes!
#3. My patience. I am not Job. I do pray for more...but I do have more than a lot of people I know.
#4. My honesty, I have learned when to share and when to hold back. I have also learned that being honest does not always mean not lying, sometimes it means telling you what you need/want to hear. Sometimes it means protecting your feelings and heart.
#5. My ability to forgive. I can/do forgive. In.My.Own.Time. Some things in life are better not rushed. Cookies, pregnancy and forgiveness.
#6. My fairness. Being fair doesn't mean giving/treating everyone the exact same. It means treating everyone the way they personally deserve to be treated. Treating everyone with the love and respect that is unique to them.
#7. My sense of humor. I can laugh at myself, you, my kids. Even more, I can make you laugh. It may not always be appropriate. Often I speak before I think and this my friends is just funny...at least to me.
#8. My ability to sing. I am so good that even the local dogs join in! Hey, my kids love it!!!!!!
#9. My unwavering belief in what can not be seen, hey, I don't know everything, only He does and at least the smell lets me know that a diaper change is needed!
#10. Lastly, my ability to love...deeply. For better or worse, if you are invited in, you are here to stay.

So, I guess Redbook was good for something, other than keeping me from focusing on the torture occurring! It made me realize that I may not be the best person on the earth, but I can admit my faults, I aim to improve them, can laugh while doing so and I am definitely not the worst!!!! And, while I am TOTALLY IMPERFECT, I actually do like me even though I can not count!!!!

What would Redbook tell you about yourself?

Your first.

I logged onto facebook earlier

(Hi, my name is Tracy. I have a problem)

and saw a post from a friend that she is pregnant. It is her first time!

This got me to thinking of the joys of being a first time parent.

DISCLAIMER!!! {{Now, before I continue, if you know me, you know I am ESTATIC to have 4 children, I love them all, thank God for them daily and would NOT want my life any other way}}

B.U.T............................................................................................................................

Those of you with children >1 you can agree with what I am about to say.

B.U.T.............................................................................................................................

Do you remember the joy of just one? The easiness and the thinking it wasn't so easy? Do you remember loving doing their laundry? Arguing over who was lucky enough to change their cute little diapers this time? Enjoying every sound/squeak that came from their body? Giggling at their messes, all of them? Embracing the middle of the night feeding...again? Sleeping when they slept? Going places and showing them off? Just going places with ease? Playing for, err, with them? Just staring at them for hours on end? The new baby smell? Bath time? The nervousness of leaving the hospital, their first illness, car ride, feeding, time away from you? The fear of strangers looking and God forbid touching? Thinking no one is as good as you (even with 4, I still think this for the record)!

There is a special bond, there always will be.

They were your 1st. The ones that taught you a nuclear bomb could go off next to your bed and you could sleep through it, but the squeaky toot of the baby lying next to you woke you up before it was even complete.

They were your 1st. The ones who made you go next door, demand the neighbor pull up their new rose bush because there was a foul smell in the neighborhood only to make you realize that foul smell was coming from your bundle of joy!

They were your 1st. The one who never got called to be seen at the pediatricians office because you signed your own name. The next time you signed theirs, but you didn't recognize the name they were calling because you forgot where you were and why. Finally, you know who you are, you know who your baby is, but by the time the call you back you are sleeping!

They were your 1st. The one that taught you sleep deprivation really does not kill a person!

They were your 1st. The one that stole your heart and made you wonder if you could love anyone else this way. They made you think that there was no way your parents loved you this much or surely they would have never spanked you!!!

They were your 1st. The golden child (usually) that tricked you into having more.

They were your 1st. Your 1st real true love. Your 1st real taste of being a grown-up. Your 1st real understanding of "I'd give my life for......" and "I'd kill them if they hurt my kid........"

They were your 1st. The one that taught you fever's aren't bad. You can choke on your own spit when you inhale too quickly over your fear of their fall. Hair dye is your new best friend. AND. maybe your mom does know something.

The first time you become a parent is magical, special, wonderful, joyous, and everything right with the world!!!!

So, whether you have 1, 4, 8 or more (you really need a new hobby;). Your 1st will always be uniquely special. Go give them a hug and a kiss!!!! If they let you, if not, they will have a 1st one day, then they will understand!

Brenda - if you read this, congrats! Enjoy the next 8 months, they will last forever and go very quick!!!!

9 things

Seven. Starring Me.

Nine Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. Hot air balloon, despite my fear.
2. Have a book (or 2 or 3) published.
3. Visit Ireland, for a long time.
4. Get a tattoo, you will have to ask to find out of what.
5. Live in NC.
6. Swim with dolphins.
7. Own and relearn to play the piano.
8. Spend a week at Disney World
9. Be debt free

Nine Things I CAN Do:
1. Laugh at myself and others.
2. Make up my own songs.
3. Run the batteries dead on any phone you give me.
4. Cook a mean fried catfish.
5. Be overly dramatic and long winded in my story telling.
6. Bake an awesome zucchini bread.
7. Say "I'm sorry."
8. Read a book in a day.
9. Tune out my children crying because they don't want to nap.

Nine Things I CANNOT Do:
1. Always know when I've hurt someones feelings.
2. Read music.
3. Stand lying
4. Juggle.
5. Remember everything I want to do in a day without writing it down.
6. Help everyone I want to help.
7. Eat just 1 Dorito.
8. Understand mean people.
9. Ride a roller coaster (even a kiddie one) without screaming.

Nine Things That Attract Me To My Spouse:
1. His lights-up-the-entire-room smile.
2. His hands and arms.
3. The way he looks in a suit.
4. His laugh when he is watching Seinfeld
5. Watching him work.
6. His ability to build/fix almost anything.
7. Watching him play with our children.
8. His openness (although I have a love/hate relationship with this aspect:)
9. His ability to make me laugh.

Nine Things I Say Most Often:
1.I love you
2. Adam Joseph!
3. Katherine Jean!
4. Rebecca Ann!
5. Jason Michael!
6. Stop that
7. Oh for the love of...
8. Hey hun...
9. If you do XXX again I will get the spanking stick

Nine Favorite Celebrities
1. My husband, youtube, you will see!!!
2. Jack Bauer
3. Keifer Sutherland
4. Dennis Haysbert
5. Wentworth Miller
6. Julia Roberts
7. Juliette Lewis
8. Adam Sandler
9. Kate Hudson

Happy New Year...funchaos style

Yea, I know, I know. Officially, the new year started 5 days ago. But you know us, we are nothing if not consistent. Being that we are always late (playdates, church, dinner, anywhere more than 3 of us are going) I planned to start my new year blog late. We are fashionable. At least in our tardiness.

Why did I pick today?

Some of you might think it is because this is the 1st chance I have had to blog.

Some of you are right.

This is the start of my new year and the 1st chance I have had to blog because I finally finished my to-do list from last year!

Now, if you saw the list you might be proud of me for only going over time and budget (I will save this post for another day check back around feb 2) by 5 days.

I have a post I want to write about blessings but it doesn't fit into my original plan for the start of this year. Imagine that!!! So, I am going to make this post a little longer and add it here, so I can deservingly recognize and thank Him and still follow my plan (there is a lesson to be had here I think)

I am continually amazed at my maker. I am not sure I will ever get use to his provisions and fulfilling promises. I get prayers answered in the smallest of ways, but they delight me and make me thank him all the same. Every time I find that I am in a position to give to others, even if only $5, it really does come back to me 10 fold. For the record, this delights me not because I am getting freebies (although with twins in diapers, um yea, I do love when the diaper fairy visits, I'm not gonna lie), but because I get to see my maker at work and it doesn't get better than that!!! Thank you Lord, you are good!!!

Now, my goal for 2009, or at least for the next couple blog entries is to just let you into my world q&a style. Yep, I am going to share some of those annoying about me surveys.

Hey, I think I am cool and I just wanna share :) Enjoy!

P.S. the word of the year, is kindness (another blog entry for a later date)

Peace, beauty, love

The words, a constant jumble in my head. Sentences in fragment form. Paragraphs I can't quite complete. Wondering's that don't go away. Regret that nags. Questions never ceasing. They pop up out of no where. Cleaning the kitchen, driving in the car. They are all a part of the process.

I have known 4 people that have died in my adult life time. My reaction to each different yet quite normal. There have been other people I have known that have died, but they were not personal to me.

My first experience with death was a good friend of mine. Todd and I were not friends that hung out on the weekends or called each other on the phone. We were co-workers who lived in the same apartment complex and commuted together to college at night. There were many things about each other we never knew. Personal details very left out, but experiences only the 2 of us could share. There was never any romantic feelings, I was married. We were just innocent friends trying to survive the realities of full time employment and full time college students together. For all the hours we spent in traffic, we should have known more details of each other's lives, but what we knew of each other was just the basics and what was happening in the present. That was enough. We never felt the need for more. After his death, I still don't. It was enough. I was sad and shocked when he died ( a car accident). I missed him dearly. I cried immediately. I cried at the service. I cried when his parents came down. I cried when much of the information from autopsy was shared and it was all information that I had learned in a dream a week before. Then I realized, this was my closer. This was my goodbye, my peace.

My second experience was the most painful. The first family member to have died. The one that I have few memories with but loved the most. The one that I knew the shortest amount of time but knew the best. The one that taught me the most about life, love, motherhood and God's love. My son, Andrew. His loss was one that I would pray never happens to anyone but at the same time, I am thankful for his life and loss. It took a while to get here, but I am at peace. I smile at the thought of my little guy up in heaven with the Lord and any other family members that he gets to play with. They are seeing him in ways that I never did but can see in my mind. I will play with him that way someday. Until then, I enjoy the brothers and sisters he has on earth. I cried the longest, hurt the most and longed for him in ways that many would never understand. 13 months later, Andrew watched his brother Adam enter this world and knew that mommy had closer, that her heart was healed. If you have ever been there, you know.

My third experience was when my great grandma died. I loved Grandma Bea. She was not the quintessential old lady. She had gusto even in her 70's and 80's riding across the country on the back of my uncle's motorcycle. In her 90's when her body began to hurt and memories became lost, she was still as sweet and wonderful though. And while I loved her dearly. Her death was not mourned but honestly a celebration of a wonderful life lived. She did not die, she truly went home. Peace was immediate for me after her death. There were no regrets. Katie was conceived the same week she passed away, her final gift to me :)

My Fourth loss is my Uncle Tommy. Peace is trying to fight it's way through. His voice assuring me he knew he was loved try to break through the thoughts that cloud my mind and make me human. There are regrets. That is hard since I don't life with regrets of any kind. I love where I am today and every experience good or bad that brought me here. After a week, I know it is too early for closure. Yet, I know it will come. I know this too is a process to get through. Acceptance for his death will happen. Tomorrow is the memorial service. This will help. I know he is not there but he will be there with us, I am sure. I will pay the babysitter. I never pay for babysitters, yet will do so tomorrow. Regrets for what we do for death that we don't do for life. I would have never paid for a babysitter to go to dinner with Uncle Tom. Yet, I do go to dinner with my grandma. I never had Uncle Tom over for just lunch and to play with the kids, yet my grandma is over weekly. Sadness for things meant to do. Does the season increase this? Peace will come, in what form, I don't know yet. Maybe cleaning out his house? Helping with the details of the estate? Time? I know that these are my doubts, never his. He was full of more peace and grace than anyone else I know. I trait to be learned from and strived for.

There are lessons we take from everyone in our life's. Some are big, others almost small enough to miss. Sadly, they may not be learned until separation from this person either voluntary or involuntary, like death.

Of course, the biggest lesson is to love and cherish your time together. Christmas time and always.

Today, yes today, pick up the phone and call the relative you don't normally call and just say HI! There age is irrelevant. Their reaction simply amusing. Your mind, heart, soul will be thankful. For the relatives already passed, just look upward and smile, they know.

There is peace and beauty in dying. It may take a while for those surviving to achieve it, but it does come. Until then, there is love.

Goodbye but always here

You said goodbye tonight, at least in the physical sense. You were welcomed with a huge hello. Of this I am certain. Your parents, siblings, friends and relatives. You said this was it. You knew you were not leaving the hospital and going home. Although we said you were wrong, you knew. You talked in past tense. You told secrets previously undisclosed. You admitted you were not perfect but you were forgiven. You knew where you were going. You never were one to hold a grudge. You didn't even as you were leaving. You had reason's to be bitter, resentful even angry. You weren't. You loved, you cared, you were happy. Your friends were like family. Your family was blessed to call you family. You are loved. Maybe more than you knew. You accepted so easily people, things, life, death.

There will be no more early arrivals for Easter Dinner, St. Pat's fair, Jaywalking, Birthday parties, Chili cook-off's. There will be no more birthday cards, bowling games, family dinners. There will always be love.

In those final days you heard from friends old and new. You heard from relatives far and near. You held on for this I am certain. When the last goodbyes had been said, you were finally ready to say Hello.

For those of us left behind, you wish only happiness. For even in life, that is all you wished for your daughters, family, siblings, friends. For some of us you will be missed more than you can know. For many of us, you touched our hearts more than we let you know.

I am sorry I never made it back this weekend. Although I suspect you knew I wouldn't. I am luckier than most, I did get to see you! And while not everyone got to see you that wanted to, it was enough to you to know they wanted to. I am sorry for forgotten phone calls. Moments that I wish I had taken more time. Through all of this, you were always there. You always knew. You always forgave. You always loved.

You really have the best seat in the house know to watch all your grandkids (both your daughters and various adopted nieces and nephews) grow. Please help to keep them safe. Please always know you are loved and never doubt you will be missed. You will continue to live in our hearts, pictures and memories!!!!!

I love you Uncle Tommy.