Eeyore

What is it about Valentines Day that brings out the Eeyore in us girls?

Really, I'll be the first to agree that the holiday is a horrible attempt by hallmark, Whitman's, Russell Stovers and the floral and jewelery industry to convince us women our men need to purchase these unhealthy, expiring, overpriced items on a very specific day to prove their love to us.

Even acknowledging this attempt doesn't diminish the desire for or need to have this archaic display of affection.

With that being said... My dear friend Eeyore, I need to let you know you are not alone in your desire and need for affection... for the reaffirmation of love... for wanting to know you rock his world... for needing to occasionally hear him say you are his world!!

We all have days where we feel unloved, unattractive and just needed! We all have times where we want to be more than the wife. We want to be treated, loved, romanced like a girlfriend! Sadly my friend, I don't think they get it! We all have times where we want to dance in the living room, we want them to pick us up when they kiss us, make us feel like we are in a movie, where we want random love letters, an out of the blue text... gift... flowers... card... sweet gesture of love. Unasked, simply because they want to!

But, pick your head up Eeyore! We are luckier than most. We have great men. We have men that are wonderful husbands, that even though they may not tell or show us as often as we'd like... even though they don't dance with us in the living room, they do adore us! We are lucky to have men who are great fathers. Who love their jobs, their lives, who work hard to provide for us. We are lucky they do come home to us every night, who long for us when they are away. Who would admit if presses that we are their world! You just have to look into their eyes, hold their hand, kiss their lips to know for sure.

So know that today and everyday, without flowers... chocolate... cards... jewelry.......... They do think we are a princess and not an Eeyore... (thanks for noticing me... :)

Bear Bear

I remember holding you in the hospital for the 1st time. It was just you and me, alone. I was still pretty drugged up and very worried about your brother. You were fine, healthy as could be, just being kept in NICU, guilty by association. The nurse brought you to me. I remember looking at how little you were, so excited to be able to nurse you, hold you! When you were done nursing, I laid you on the bed, unwrapped you, counted 10 toes. I looked at your cute little belly. Your eyes wide open. Staring at me as I talked to you. The sound of my voice bringing recognition and soothing to you. I honestly remember feeling so wrapped up in concern for your brother (and the kids at home) that I wasn't overcome with emotion for you! I knew you were healthy, I was happy you were born, happy, safe, here finally.

The first year of your life is a blur of breastfeeding, diaper changing, crying, sleeping. The next year was made of learning. You mastered walking, talking, eating, laughing, loving.

For you the age of 2 has been wonderful! There were no terrible 2's for you!
This has been the year you have developed your personality and come out of your shell.

Of all the kids Rebecca, I think you are the most like me! You get mad very easily, then forgive and forget just as quickly! You don't let others in easily but when you do they are in for life. You love to randomly say I love you. You know how those 3 little words don't need to be said but how they put a smile on the face of the person hearing them. You are passionate. You are very independent and strong. You don't want to admit you need help. Often you will ask for it then just as quickly change your mind, saying you can do it yourself! You love to help others, you like to be close, to cuddle, to hug, to kiss. But you also walk away when you need your space. You freely admit that you need time alone. You love to please people. You are your happiest when everyone around you is happy, content and loved. It makes you nervous and upset when people are mad, yelling, fighting. You love to laugh and giggle and fall into giggling fits that are very contagious! You have some very cute, quirky habits that I just can't help but love.

I am so looking forward to watching you continue to develop your personality this year. It is bittersweet to watch you grow. On one hand, I am sad to see you leave a stage behind and on the other I am excited to watch you learning and exploring! You have a shy curiousity about you that is both sweet and endearing.

I love watching you and Katie grow closer as sisters and friends. Yet, it is sweet to watch that you and Jason have not lost your special bond of being twins!

I hope that this coming year brings even more wonderful memories, places to visit, things to learn.

I am proud to be your mommy and I love you Becca bear.......

animalistic

Last year for Valentines day, Mr. Producer stole my heart again when in a simple little box he gave me 2 eggs as a gift... the promise of my future chickens... see blog and photos here.

This year, he has done it again... by agreeing to let me have this adorable, sweet, loving baby...



Of course, the best Valentines day gift ever has been and will continue to be his love....

But this little brown fuzzy peanut runs a VERY close second...

Stay tuned for a name for this little guy and some family photos :)

Thank you Mr. Producer... Happy early Valentines Day!

I love you

Greatness

I am a firm believer in the fact that some things in life can not be taught!

There was an article in the paper last week that talked about what makes a great teacher. This article quotes "States must try to identify great teachers, figure out how they got that way and then create more of them".

Really... Really?

UGH!

Why do we as a people think that we can analyze anything for its greatness and replicate that? What an incredibly arrogant thought.

Greatness is anything is not something that can be measured, observed, taught.

Greatness is a gift, something innate to you.

Greatness can be in many different area's. Whether you are great at your job, hobby, relationships or many area's, your area of greatness can be the same as other people you know, but it is still unique to you!

For example, Mr. Producer works with some incredibly gifted people in the area of running a camera, seeing a vision, getting a shot. 2 of the best people I know he works with have absolutely no formal training, no degree. However, he also works with people that have 2 degrees in that field and they are, well, not great!

I know some people that are great parents, even though they may have become a parent very young. Yet, we have other friends that well, are not great parents.

You can pick a profession, any profession, whether it is one that requires a degree or not and identify people that are great at it! They do not do their job for the money, for the recognition. They do their job, whether it is being a teacher, tv producer, car salesman, police officer, nurse, bank teller, parent because they like it.

Great teachers, like great anything else, can not be made.

People can be taught new things, they can be shown new improved ways, they can be encouraged, guided, helped. BUT, being great at something is ingrained in the very fiber of your soul, it is not something you can learn!

Anybody agree/disagree.... I'd love to hear your thoughts!

here goes....

As most of you know, I have really made it a concentrated effort to get healthy!

At the encouragement of some of you, I am coming clean with inches and weight lost... AND an embarrassing before picture!

I began to make getting healthy a top priority in August. I did this quietly, without any fan fare or forewarning to anyone! Nope, not even Mr. Producer knew! Having tried and quiet before, I didn't want to publicly (yep, even to my own husband) admit that it may happen again.

There is no secret diet I followed, no magic pill, no special new exercise. I did it the old fashioned way... I ate less, better and exercised more! I go without nothing. I still have a reese's peanut butter cup or chips or rice if I want it. But, I make up for it by doing without other stuff or by doing more cardio that day!

I am not going to break it down into individual body parts... here goes...

I have lost a total of 30lbs and 28" overall inches!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!
I still have days where I don't want to work out, where I want to eat nothing but junk food, where I think I am still the girl in the size 12/14 and am taken back by wearing a 6/8.

I am not perfect, I don't have the answers, I am not a professional! I am just a girl, on a journey, trying to lead by example! I still have 10 more pounds I want to lose, I want to be a definite size 6, but I can appreciate how far I have come. I can enjoy shopping. I can be proud of myself for sticking with eat, eating healthier and feeling better!


ugh....before

middle-ish

pretty recent

I am not looking for accolades, I am just sharing! Mel, you were my inspiration. Baby, you are my encourager. Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement!!!! It helps, truly it does!

writing

I LOVE WORDS! I think I love written words better than spoken ones.

It seems there is more honesty in writing. There is a comfort in being able to express yourself fully without another person staring at you... in being able to have time to compose your thoughts...in deleting the words you didn't mean to say or don't come out how you mean them.

I find that for me the reader there is a peace in reading someone's writing, especially as it is directed at you! I feel as though I have the chance to compose my thoughts...to plan my rebuttle...to think through how the writer may actually be feeling.

It seems there is less anger in written words. There is less of a chance to say something you may not mean. There is more thought.

This is why I blog.... why I text..... why I write letters!!!

If you have been on the receiving end of a blog, letter, text or have sent me one of the above lately... know that I cherish every word!!!!! :)

a picture

Oh squirt!

The tears, hot on my cheeks, barely held in long enough to put your brothers and sisters to bed!

The face the world sees, the story the world hears, the girl the world knows. Sometimes, it is all a facade. Even the strong cry! Even the sure are weak. Even the heart full of joy cries. Even the blessed have regrets.

The kids came across your box tonight! Their attitude of you so accepting. They feel no sadness, they embrace the fact that you are in heaven waiting for them, watching over them. They are eager to soak up information of you. Slightly, they are jealous that they never got to see their brother. Their angel. Their Andrew.

I shared with them the treasured physical joys that remain of your brief but wonderful time here. The blanket, half the size of a full term babies. The booties and cap, way too small for even a baby doll. The measuring tape was held against various size babies to show them how tiny you were. The shell used to baptize you. Adam took pictures of everything, so sweet and quiet he processes any mention of you. Katie looked at the ultrasound picture and said, it sure is dark in there. Becca and Jason ooohed and aaahed over everything. Katie remarking about how much she missed you! Becca just saying, my angel. Jason loved how cute the little things are. So heartwarming, sweet, gentle and tender to share these precious momento's with your siblings. So wonderful to hear their easy acceptance, their joy for you without the pain.

I can talk about you for hours without tears. I look at your feet on mine and don't get sad. I think of you and smile.

Tonight, oh sweet boy.... tonight.... I smelled the cap that you wore and I swear I still smell you! Even that didn't make me cry. Sad, yes. But not cry.

I thought, so blinded by a mothers love, that I could share the only picture we have of you with your siblings. I foolishly thought it was better than I remembered. Quickly, before I could change my mind, I dug it out from its safe spot. OH Peanut.... my heart breaks.... For a moment I am simply a mother who has loved and lost! I am only a mommy who longs for another chance. My breath is taken away at the picture of you. It is quite simply, quite honestly the hardest... most beautiful...saddest...most wonderful and heartbreaking picture I own!

I don't know if the tears I cry are anger at not being able to share your picture with the world or tears of regret for not thinking to take our own or tears of saddness that even 9.5 years later, sometimes it still hurts or tears of joy over thinking of and talking about you!

I do not regret you. I do not deny you. I will take the pain over never having had you anyday! I only regret that I do not have a picture worthy of sharing with the whole world!

Someday, when the kids are older, I will share your picture with them.

Until then, my sweet baby, I leave you with Katie's made-up song at bedtime.

"I love my Andrew, I miss my Andrew, I'm happy for my Andrew"

I LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY!!!!!