Peace

I have been very blessed my whole life to be able to have one set of grandparents alive. They lived very close. I spent a lot of time there growing up when my parents would need a babysitter or would go out of town.

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandpa include him yelling at me to put on an undershirt and making me take cod liver oil when he thought I may be getting sick. Man, how nasty that stuff was!

Grandpa was a wonderful man. I don't say that through tears of grief. I say that as a person who knew him well for almost 35 years. He was always healthy and active. He took numerous vitamins daily. He was even a bodybuilder in his youth, actually having been titled Mr. Universe back in his day :)

This is not to say he was perfect. Oh man, he wasn't. He was human. He was flawed. He could be grouchy. He could be selfish. He could be opinionated. Sometimes he could even be argumentative. He did not hide his feelings on any subject or person.

But for every imperfection, there were 2 or 3 perfections. He loved and adored my grandma, in the kind of way every girl hopes for! He loved his family, in spite of how crazy they drove him. He was one of the 1st people to hold Katie after she was born. He came to see the kids weekly when he could, in spite of how it tired him. He loved his classical music. He loved his slides. He loved to tinker with electronics, more often that not messing up the wires behind the TV so my dad would have to fix them. He loved politics. He was proud to have served in the military, in more than one branch. He loved to watch the news and read the newspaper.

My grandpa was a strong man. He hated how his body shut down at the end. Hated that he felt he was being a burden on anyone.

But man, how he loved my grandma doting on him. He called her baby and darling and beautiful. He told her he loved her and missed her when she was gone. She was his world and he hers. Even this last year in a nursing home couldn't have separated their love. Even death will not separate their love.

He was a very blessed man to have such a doting, loving, adoring wife. The admiration between them mutual.

The admiration between him and I mutual. Even in times of my rebellious youth. I knew that my grandpa would always be there. Even death will not stop that.

I may not be able to see him daily. I may not be able to hug his physical body. I may not ever rub his bald head, gag as I watch him eat his much loved sardines, pick on him for his big ears, dote over him as he moves across my living room.

Yes, I am sad that no more will I be able to share the physicalities of this life with him. But I am finding a peace and comfort unexpected in his passing. I know that he is still always there for me. I can talk to him daily, for his hearing is now perfect. I can smile because I know that he is holding my sweet baby Andrew. I am not sad that he will miss my birthday this year, because in my heart, he is and always will be here. I know he is watching, protecting, loving me now more than ever.

I am at peace because I know he knows how much I loved him and adored him. And I know I was his favorite granddaughter.

Grandpa, I love you so much. Someday we will be together again. In perfect bodies. In a perfect place! In the meantime, thank you for wonderful memories...wonderful guidance... I love you!

Love

I was sitting this morning in silence while the kids were at school looking out the window.

In the quietness, I began to reflect on things within myself and my marriage.

Please Mr. Producer know that this is not intended as a laundry list of things you don't do. Rather this is me finding beauty in the things you do. Please realize honey that I am only sharing this with the world because, well, after talking with some friends, I realize that whether this is our marriage or theirs, everyone can benefit from reading this!

I love that he makes my coffee every morning, that he gets up with the kids in the morning and gets them dressed, fed and ready for school. In and of themselves, those are expressions of love!

For a while now, I have been realizing that the more I mother and wife, the more I long for Mr. Producer to do more romantic things with me and for me.

I long for him to turn off the tv and dance with me in the living room. I long for him to kiss me more, longer. I long for him to sit by the fire with me at night and just talk. I long for him to text me in the middle of the day, calling me beautiful and just saying I love you, whatcha doing.

These are the things that I need to hear...do...want to feel like more than his co-parent and roommate. These things to me are an important sign of love. They are a way of knowing he still sees me as his girlfriend yet with the security of being his wife. These are the things, more than the coffee that would show me his love.

Yet, as I am thinking of these longings, a bird flies by. Instantly, I am focusing more upward. I am likening my relationship with Mr. Producer much like my relationship with God.

I know by the gifts of my children, friends and family that my Lord loves me. He lets the sun rise every morning and the moon shine bright every night as a sign of his love. He gives the beach, the birds, the smell of rain as a gift.

Do I want more as a human than this, yes. Does he give the sun, moon, birds to everyone, yes. Do I want him to give me romantic moments, yes.

Yet, when I slow down, when I realize that phone call came from a friend at just the right moment. When I realize that another trip to the bathroom by one of the kids before we leave the house could have been the 1 thing that avoided us from an accident. When I realize that the dr. called when I was pregnant with Adam at just the same moment I lost Andrew, wanting me to come in immediately because they felt something wasn't right. When I realize that the rain fell on the day that I planted a garden. When the bird stops at my window, looks in and sings for a moment. These are the moments that I know God is romancing me. These are the times that I know he is showing me his love.

If I didn't stop for a moment and pay attention to these things, I may miss them. If I didn't look beyond the obvious to see the true meaning, I wouldn't recognize the moment for what its worth.

The same is true for Mr. Producer and I. If I didn't pause for a second and realize that he could in a quick state forget to make my coffee. That he could be grouchy and mean about me staying in bed. That he could ask me to work. That he could not give the kids a bath while I finish cleaning the kitchen so we could both relax together.

If I didn't pay attention to the little moments, the gentle expressions of love, I could take them for granted. I could believe he does those things because he has too.

Do I still want him to dance with me, kiss me, romance me, in the way that I want him too, YES!

Do I still want God to let me be financially free, allow Mr. Producer to work from home, give me perfect children. YES!

For today, will I look beyond what I want and enjoy what they give. YES! Will I spend a little more time today appreciating their love. YES!

(but Mr. Producer, if you turn off the tv tonight and dance with me, I wouldn't turn you down :)

I LOVE YOU!

Thank you God and Mr. Producer for the daily expressions of love!!!

Just so you know

Hi.... My name's Tracy...aka...mommy, honey, wife, baby, Trace, farmer girl, girlfriend.......

I have a confession.... you can't tell anyone though! It's got to be our secret, or you'll ruin my identity....

I am so completely imperfect....

I don't floss daily.
I have ongoing issue's with ants.
I use incorrect spelling in my texts.
I hate doing the checkbook.
I dream of being rich and paying someone to do the laundry.
I stay up too late.
I am best left alone the first 20min I am awake.
I have cheated at a game in order to win.
I pout.
I like to use a good swear word now and again.
I can sorta get mad easily and then may or may not feel bad afterward.
I have stretch marks and like to blame it on having twins.
I am addicted to facebook, dark chocolate and the gym.
I sometimes ignore phone calls.
I laugh when other people do stupid things.
I wish I had potty trained the cat.
I occasionally smoke.
I can be needy.
I have spanked first then realized that at that exact moment my child may or may not have needed it.
I don't have my tupperware organized.
I don't actually own tupperware.
I spend too much money on designer coffee.
I can not draw.
I don't like science.
I think I can do everything on my own.
I really don't like playing Don't Break The Ice.
I sometimes operate on autopilot.
I hold things against people but say I don't.
I love having a few hours to myself.
I think dumb and dumber is really dumb.
I am nowhere as organized as I use to be
I am way too concerned about cleanliness.
I pretend I don't feel the kids sneak into bed most nights because I am too lazy to take them back to their beds.
I am sorta a freak about numbers and where things belong.


I am sure the list goes on and on, but I don't want you to quit reading entirely!

So, the next time you are feeling bad about yourself... remember that even I am not perfect.....

Shhhhhhhhhh :)

Courtesy

****** DISCLAIMER... this is NOT directed at any of my family or friends. Do not feel pointed out or guilty (unless you are :) lol)) ******

This is a soapbox blog. I reserve the right to do this from time to time :) Its my chaos, my world, my blog, my right..... ;)

I have to question where common courtesy went.

I am going to sound like my grandparents when I say.... "I remember when..."

But, really, I do remember when people were courteous.

Where did that go and why?

Have we gotten so use to talking in text and IM that we have dehumanized and desensitized ourselves to the social politeness of caring people?

Sitting at Starbucks tonight having coffee with a friend, I observed a lady hold the door open for a couple that she was not with. Neither party in this said couple made an attempt to hold the door for each other in place of her. Furthermore, neither of the couple said thank you to this woman.

REALLY?

Was their time and energy so much more valuable than hers that they could not be bothered to remark on her kindness?

(before you comment and say, maybe they were deaf and unable to speak, they weren't!)

I have taught all 4 of the funchaos kids that they do not get anything without saying please and thank you! This is not negotiable. Yes, sometimes they need a gentle reminder, but for the most part, this is embedded into them! There is no negotiation on this!

Yet, I have witnessed on more than one occasional a fellow classmate or an occasional friend that routinely do not include these simple niceties in their day to day vocabulary.

Really, are we as a society not teaching out children the fundamental value that everyone deserves to be treated with politeness. Yes, everyone!

I am honest enough to admit that yes, I have had times where I have cut someone off in traffic because I was in a hurry or I have huffed at the person in line with 16 items in the express lane and yes, I have felt bad later for it!

I do not think my time, my energy or my words are any more important than yours!

Lately, I have become a texting addict. Now I know a couple people who for various reason's do not text.

I have to admit that I do frequently text in their presence. I don't really think about it being rude, but one such friend finds it very offensive. In their opinion, it feels like I am ignoring them to talk to someone else. At first I denied that fact, stating that I wasn't really "talking" with anyone else. Yet, the more I began to think about this the more I have to admit, they are right.

For me, texting comes with the same courtesies as any other form of conversation. That said, I absolutely hate when I am in the middle of a texting conversation and the other person disappears. Now, I realize we all get busy, we get carried away at work, we get called into a meeting, we have to break up a sibling squabble, change a diaper, whatever. BUT, I am talking about the total absolute none response from mid conversation, even a long time later, even enough to say, brb or gtg! To me this is the same as walking away in the middle of a person to person conversation!

Because I too have been guilty of this, I will admit it! If I have done this to you, I am terribly sorry, please forgive me!

Little man has begun to IM via fb. I have had to explain to him that even this form of communication requires him to be polite. Say thank you when someone asks how he is. Inquire how they are feeling in return. Say good bye when you are done talking. Yes, you are just punching letters on a keyboard, but there is a person on the other end of your keyboard. Even though you can't see them, they are there!

The other night I was driving home. It was dark and sort of late. There was a lost puppy running in the road. There was no thought involved on my part when I pulled over to help this puppy and I'm sure, its sad owner. I was happy to say that with me, 2 other cars pulled over to help.

A few months ago, I accidentally ran out of gas. I had the 3 little's in the car with me. It was the middle of the day, a very busy intersection. 4 lanes of traffic separated me and the gas station. I immediately put on my hazards. Embarrassed and crying, I called the closest person to me, my mom, to come to my rescue. Thankfully, she did. But in the meantime sitting there waiting for her to show up, I was passed by 3 police men and probably 200 other cars. The ONLY person to stop and ask if I needed help was a young girl, probably in her very early 20's. That's it, no one else. Not the men in work trucks, the police officer's who swore to protect and serve, the hundreds of other people so involved in their day, their worlds.

Now, I too have been guilty of passing by a person in need. Mostly this is done out of fear, I always have the kids with me. Yet, I have on more than one occasion stopped when I have witnessed an accident or rolled my window down and asked if someone needed help or me to make a phone call.

These simple acts do not make me a hero. They make me human. They make me compassionate. They remind me, my kids that everyone's life has value. That we are here to help each other, to be courteous!

There are so many little ways we can help each other, we can be polite and courteous, that it seems too easy. There are so many ways to be kind and compassionate that when we blatantly choose to overlook them, it seems that much more rude!

I pray daily that I continue to instill in my children this simple value.

When someone says hi, answer them. When someone opens the door for you, say thank you. When you ask for anything, anything at all, always say please and thank you when it is given. When you hurt someone either accidentally or on purpose, apologize. When you are conversing with someone, regardless of what method you are using, don't be rude and walk away. When someone says how are you, respond and ask how they are in return, whether you care or not isn't important. When you see someone in trouble offer to help them. When you don't want something, say no thank you! If you say you are going to do something, do it!

We are all busy, we are all important. Everyone has somewhere to be, someone to talk to. Everyone's time, energy, love is just as important as the next persons.

Be courteous!

Soapbox empty now.... If you've ready this far, thank you! If you have seen yourself in this post, I am sorry! If I have been un-courteous to you, I am deeply sorry! If you are compelled to say something, leave me a comment, but please be courteous :)

wanderlust

Sometimes the urge strikes to just run away....

To turn your back on the chores at hand...

To forget about the to-do list, the obligations, the technology, the seeming worries and burdens....

Sometimes, the wanderlust hits and you want to leave it all behind...

Then if your like me, you call your voice of reason.

And you are reminded that you are indeed very blessed, very lucky, very loved.

Even if the reminder comes in the form of a stern no!

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words and hear what isn't said.

The chores will be there when you return.

The to-do list, the obligations a reminder of all the things you do because you love.

The worry and burdens, simply taken care of by prayer and faith. If not for that, then they will be taken with you anyway!

Sometimes, you just have to play a game of Uno Moo with a sweet, loving, bright, beautiful 3 year old to remember, enjoy and appreciate that you don't need to get away.... that everything you need is within your reach...

Thanks voice of reason and said 3 year old to remind me of what I have known all along.... I am one lucky wife and mother!

I love you all!

future photogs

Now that we are 3, we are learning all kinds of new things........


Is this thing on?
I think I see something

Yep, it's working

Does my syrup masterpiece look blurry to you?

Aaaah, clear.....that will look better in my portfolio

Camera shy or guilty party?


I don't know about this....

Okay, let me fix my hair

Shhh. Don't tell mom, ok? My first head shot.....

I should have gotten dressed this morning. It's okay, Jason, no one will know it's you.....

Let's work on framing.....

No, no, it's all in the lighting....

Did you hear that? Is mom coming?

Action shot... glad you got dressed

Take a picture of our birthday present, our new game

Wait, I think my finger is in the way.....

Oh, that's better.........

Now watch us learn to zoom

Closer

Closer.......


CLOSER......


Gotta go... mom's coming......




P.S. KEEP OUR SECRET, DON'T TELL ON US, OKAY?

Bird

wow. little man, I can not believe you are 3!

I can not believe that for 1098 nights I have gone to bed and thanked God that you are here. From the moment of your conception, I prayed that you would be born healthy. And even though we had some tough days immediately after your birth, I am even more blessed than I deserve to be.

Oh Jason, you are the consummate baby! While some may see this as a bad thing or being weak, I quite honestly view it as just the opposite.

You have learned very early on in life that there is something to be said for sitting back and watching. That sometimes, you learn just as much by watching without actually doing.

You were like that with walking, talking, potty training. Becca was first to do all those things and you were content to learn from watching her. Almost immediately when you began to walk, talk, use the potty it was with few mistakes.

You have learned that sometimes it is easier to let the girls have their way. To let them be the boss. You will make a great husband some day :)

You are the most like your dad in the respect. You are very laid back. Yet, when you want to stand your ground, you rarely back down. You don't get mad easily, you take out most of what is dished your way but you won't let yourself get beat up either.

I worry sometimes that because they outnumber you, that the girls take advantage of you. But of all the kids, you are the one that is happiest to play by yourself and the most vocal about telling the others to leave you alone.

Often times, it seems the girls don't know how to play alone or be alone. But, you are comfortable being alone in a way that even a lot of adults are not!

A friend made a comment a few days ago that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. As soon as I heard those words, I immediately thought of you! The indication there though is that you are intentionally doing something wrong because you know permission will not be granted. Rarely is that the case with you I think. Usually, I think it is simply that you act first and think later.

While this trait may get you a few more spanking than the other kids. It can also serve you well later in life if you use it correctly. I can see you most being either a public servant or an engineer of some sort. Either profession can benefit and often requires you to do and then think.

Jason, you have never lost that beautiful grin or the big bright eyes you had as an infant. You have also never lost your big heart. You are so full of love. You would give up anything for anyone. You see the value in everything, from a cock roach to a person. You are the one most likely to go with anyone, rarely seeing the bad in a person. You have the amazing ability to be both a fighter and a lover. To be curious and excited over the big things, the stars...airplanes to the little things, ants...m & m's. You love to cuddle and give and receive hugs!

There is no doubt my little blonde angel that from conception, you had to fight to be here. You are strong. You are sweet. You are perfect!

I am looking forward to the challenges, laughs, hugs, learning, experiences, memories, cuddles and fun that this year brings.

Your curiosity and joy at life make it both fun and exciting to be your mommy! I am proud to say you are my son!

I love you JJ bird!