My sweet children

I laid beside you today and watched you as you slept. Normally enjoying the quiet of bedtime, today I missed you, the noise...laughter...smiles...i love you's.

You are growing up so quickly, yet you will always be my babies.

Your hands still small, yet you feel as though they can take on the world without me.

My role as your mother seems ever changing. I am referee, protector, guider, helper, boo boo kisser, band aid administer, tutor, teacher, explorer, fellow dreamer, fort maker, cook, spiritual adviser, social planner. Yet, I am always giver of love.

I pray that each of you know that every decision I make, every rule I enforce, every spanking I give, every time we do something fun...silly,every hug and kiss...I do because I love you!

You are all my world. Before and after each one of you I thought my world was complete.

Thankfully God knew that without each and every one of you my life was far from complete!There is nothing in this world that I would ever trade for you!

I am sorry that I am sometimes not as attentive as you want...need me to be.

I am sorry that sometimes I am selfish and want you to go to bed...sleep, earlier...faster.

I am sorry for the times that I have taken for granted with you. Moments when I was with you but not really there.

I am sorry I don't listen more. I am sorry that I correct and discipline sometimes too harshly.

I am sorry that I don't play more.

I am sorry for times I have chosen to nap or go out instead of playing with you.

There are a million reasons why I can apologize to you 4! Daily it seems I add to that list.

I can only say I am sorry!

You are all wonderful children who daily strive to make me want to be a better person and parent!

I love looking at the world through your eyes! I love your trusting insticts, your faith, your love, your thirst for life and learning!

May each and every one of you always know Gods love like you do today! May you always be filled with His grace. His ability to forgive. May you never question His love for you, instead always rely on the knowledge that He only wants what is best for you!

Life is not easy, but with God as your foundation, with the unconditional love and support from me, with the bond and love of each other; life will always be worth it!

I don't know what the future holds for each of you, but I certainly know that my love will always be a constant. I know that regardless of where you go and what you do in life, I am proud to be your mommy. I know that each of you have similiar traits, you are all giving, loving, caring, funny, kind people and that your differences make you unique and the wonderful persons you are!

You 4 are the best kids in the world and I know I don't often tell you but man, you make life fun and wonderful!

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET CHILDREN!

Dearest Katie

Wow! Is it possible you are 5? It is so hard for me to believe that!Your birth was the easiest, the most fun and memorable of all the kids. It is hard to fathom that was 5 years ago!

This is a big year for you my sweet girl. You are headed off to kindergarten soon. You are so excited to be going and ask daily when we can go buy your school supplies. You are so eagerly anticipating this new adventure. The strong face your present to the world. The independence that you show. You have no fear of heading off into Adam's school, conquering it and making your own life there with new friends. You will love school as you are so eager to learn and figure things out!

Yet, because you are most like me. I know that there is a small part of you that is nervous...scared. It's okay sweetie! Every new step in life is scary but almost all are worth it!I wonder what changes this year will bring for you and Becca. You 2 have become even closer this year sharing your princess bedroom! I do hope and pray that your closeness remains in spite of you going off to "big girl" school!The change in your from 4-5 wasn't as dramatic as 3-4. Your personality hasn't changed much, only increased! You are more dependent, determined. You love more deeply and get frustrated just as easily. You are vibrant, outgoing, joyful, full of life. You have always been giving andthoughtful adn this year that too has grown. Every time you go to the store, you point out things other people would like, not thinking of yourself even when you have your won money!You are the perfect tomboy. Some years you will not like that, but it really is a great way to live! You love to put on and wear make-up, dresses, high heels. You love to have your nails done and be dainty. Yet, with freshly manicured fingers, your hair in pig tails and a dress on, you can almost always be found outside finding and loving bugs! There isn't a bug in the world that you won't pick up, want to name and keep forever! You have such a loving heart to all things God has created! You equally love to garden and plant things! There is no such thing as too much dirt to you!Embrace these qualities in you Katie for they will be major attributes as you grow!You out of the 4 are the most passionate. About life, love, animals, the world, learning! Never change that!!! Passion, caring, love and kindness are some of the best traits you can have!
There is never a day where I am not thankful for you! It is my first prayer in the morning and last prayer at night, I thank God daily for you and know that you complete my life!I am never more proud as when you call me mommy!

I love you Bean!

Friends

Growing up, I had the pleasure of watching my mom have a few close girlfriends. I didn't put much stock into these relationships until I got older.

In high school, I was not overly popular (I wasn't an outcast either, lol). I had a couple great friends, and a lot of acquaintances.

Today, I feel like the most blessed girl in the world! I am fortunate enough to have a lot of great friends, some wonderful acquaintances. Some friends it seems flow through out lives like the tide. There are times of extreme closeness and then other times where we just "check in".

There are a couple great friends that I could not complete my day without talking to. There are others that I chat with via IM or occasional texting.

Some of these great friends have been around a very long time (23years) and others a very short time (not even a year). Yet, I would consider them both great friends. I know that in any time of need, from a crisis to just needing to get my hair done, they are there to lend a hand.

There are a lot of people that do not need or want a lot of friends. While I do admit that friendship, like any relationship, takes work. I challenge you to find a great friend and tell me that the work is not worth the effort. For, like marriage, some of the best friendships in the world may take the most work!

I consider myself blessed and lucky for every friendship I have, be it male or female. Every one of my friends brings out a different side of me, every one of them has taught me something, every one of them make me a better person.

To all of my friends..... I LOVE YOU MAN!

Choo choo

It seems that the last few months, we have fallen off track. There are various excuses and reasons for this. But, needless to say, I feel like a train that is chugging along aimlessly through the woods and hitting a tree is inevitable.

So... the train conductors of Insane Chaos, formerly known as funachaosx4, have decided that we are steering our way into the nearest station.

We are overhauling this train... new paint, new assignments, new destinations, new expectations. We are rebuilding this train for maximum efficiency, cohesiveness, and fun.

We are expecting there to be setbacks, area's of tracks that need some fixing along the way, but watch out world because when we are fully functioning, after all improvements...Funchaosx4 will be back and better than ever!

Peace

I have been very blessed my whole life to be able to have one set of grandparents alive. They lived very close. I spent a lot of time there growing up when my parents would need a babysitter or would go out of town.

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandpa include him yelling at me to put on an undershirt and making me take cod liver oil when he thought I may be getting sick. Man, how nasty that stuff was!

Grandpa was a wonderful man. I don't say that through tears of grief. I say that as a person who knew him well for almost 35 years. He was always healthy and active. He took numerous vitamins daily. He was even a bodybuilder in his youth, actually having been titled Mr. Universe back in his day :)

This is not to say he was perfect. Oh man, he wasn't. He was human. He was flawed. He could be grouchy. He could be selfish. He could be opinionated. Sometimes he could even be argumentative. He did not hide his feelings on any subject or person.

But for every imperfection, there were 2 or 3 perfections. He loved and adored my grandma, in the kind of way every girl hopes for! He loved his family, in spite of how crazy they drove him. He was one of the 1st people to hold Katie after she was born. He came to see the kids weekly when he could, in spite of how it tired him. He loved his classical music. He loved his slides. He loved to tinker with electronics, more often that not messing up the wires behind the TV so my dad would have to fix them. He loved politics. He was proud to have served in the military, in more than one branch. He loved to watch the news and read the newspaper.

My grandpa was a strong man. He hated how his body shut down at the end. Hated that he felt he was being a burden on anyone.

But man, how he loved my grandma doting on him. He called her baby and darling and beautiful. He told her he loved her and missed her when she was gone. She was his world and he hers. Even this last year in a nursing home couldn't have separated their love. Even death will not separate their love.

He was a very blessed man to have such a doting, loving, adoring wife. The admiration between them mutual.

The admiration between him and I mutual. Even in times of my rebellious youth. I knew that my grandpa would always be there. Even death will not stop that.

I may not be able to see him daily. I may not be able to hug his physical body. I may not ever rub his bald head, gag as I watch him eat his much loved sardines, pick on him for his big ears, dote over him as he moves across my living room.

Yes, I am sad that no more will I be able to share the physicalities of this life with him. But I am finding a peace and comfort unexpected in his passing. I know that he is still always there for me. I can talk to him daily, for his hearing is now perfect. I can smile because I know that he is holding my sweet baby Andrew. I am not sad that he will miss my birthday this year, because in my heart, he is and always will be here. I know he is watching, protecting, loving me now more than ever.

I am at peace because I know he knows how much I loved him and adored him. And I know I was his favorite granddaughter.

Grandpa, I love you so much. Someday we will be together again. In perfect bodies. In a perfect place! In the meantime, thank you for wonderful memories...wonderful guidance... I love you!

Love

I was sitting this morning in silence while the kids were at school looking out the window.

In the quietness, I began to reflect on things within myself and my marriage.

Please Mr. Producer know that this is not intended as a laundry list of things you don't do. Rather this is me finding beauty in the things you do. Please realize honey that I am only sharing this with the world because, well, after talking with some friends, I realize that whether this is our marriage or theirs, everyone can benefit from reading this!

I love that he makes my coffee every morning, that he gets up with the kids in the morning and gets them dressed, fed and ready for school. In and of themselves, those are expressions of love!

For a while now, I have been realizing that the more I mother and wife, the more I long for Mr. Producer to do more romantic things with me and for me.

I long for him to turn off the tv and dance with me in the living room. I long for him to kiss me more, longer. I long for him to sit by the fire with me at night and just talk. I long for him to text me in the middle of the day, calling me beautiful and just saying I love you, whatcha doing.

These are the things that I need to hear...do...want to feel like more than his co-parent and roommate. These things to me are an important sign of love. They are a way of knowing he still sees me as his girlfriend yet with the security of being his wife. These are the things, more than the coffee that would show me his love.

Yet, as I am thinking of these longings, a bird flies by. Instantly, I am focusing more upward. I am likening my relationship with Mr. Producer much like my relationship with God.

I know by the gifts of my children, friends and family that my Lord loves me. He lets the sun rise every morning and the moon shine bright every night as a sign of his love. He gives the beach, the birds, the smell of rain as a gift.

Do I want more as a human than this, yes. Does he give the sun, moon, birds to everyone, yes. Do I want him to give me romantic moments, yes.

Yet, when I slow down, when I realize that phone call came from a friend at just the right moment. When I realize that another trip to the bathroom by one of the kids before we leave the house could have been the 1 thing that avoided us from an accident. When I realize that the dr. called when I was pregnant with Adam at just the same moment I lost Andrew, wanting me to come in immediately because they felt something wasn't right. When I realize that the rain fell on the day that I planted a garden. When the bird stops at my window, looks in and sings for a moment. These are the moments that I know God is romancing me. These are the times that I know he is showing me his love.

If I didn't stop for a moment and pay attention to these things, I may miss them. If I didn't look beyond the obvious to see the true meaning, I wouldn't recognize the moment for what its worth.

The same is true for Mr. Producer and I. If I didn't pause for a second and realize that he could in a quick state forget to make my coffee. That he could be grouchy and mean about me staying in bed. That he could ask me to work. That he could not give the kids a bath while I finish cleaning the kitchen so we could both relax together.

If I didn't pay attention to the little moments, the gentle expressions of love, I could take them for granted. I could believe he does those things because he has too.

Do I still want him to dance with me, kiss me, romance me, in the way that I want him too, YES!

Do I still want God to let me be financially free, allow Mr. Producer to work from home, give me perfect children. YES!

For today, will I look beyond what I want and enjoy what they give. YES! Will I spend a little more time today appreciating their love. YES!

(but Mr. Producer, if you turn off the tv tonight and dance with me, I wouldn't turn you down :)

I LOVE YOU!

Thank you God and Mr. Producer for the daily expressions of love!!!

Just so you know

Hi.... My name's Tracy...aka...mommy, honey, wife, baby, Trace, farmer girl, girlfriend.......

I have a confession.... you can't tell anyone though! It's got to be our secret, or you'll ruin my identity....

I am so completely imperfect....

I don't floss daily.
I have ongoing issue's with ants.
I use incorrect spelling in my texts.
I hate doing the checkbook.
I dream of being rich and paying someone to do the laundry.
I stay up too late.
I am best left alone the first 20min I am awake.
I have cheated at a game in order to win.
I pout.
I like to use a good swear word now and again.
I can sorta get mad easily and then may or may not feel bad afterward.
I have stretch marks and like to blame it on having twins.
I am addicted to facebook, dark chocolate and the gym.
I sometimes ignore phone calls.
I laugh when other people do stupid things.
I wish I had potty trained the cat.
I occasionally smoke.
I can be needy.
I have spanked first then realized that at that exact moment my child may or may not have needed it.
I don't have my tupperware organized.
I don't actually own tupperware.
I spend too much money on designer coffee.
I can not draw.
I don't like science.
I think I can do everything on my own.
I really don't like playing Don't Break The Ice.
I sometimes operate on autopilot.
I hold things against people but say I don't.
I love having a few hours to myself.
I think dumb and dumber is really dumb.
I am nowhere as organized as I use to be
I am way too concerned about cleanliness.
I pretend I don't feel the kids sneak into bed most nights because I am too lazy to take them back to their beds.
I am sorta a freak about numbers and where things belong.


I am sure the list goes on and on, but I don't want you to quit reading entirely!

So, the next time you are feeling bad about yourself... remember that even I am not perfect.....

Shhhhhhhhhh :)