I intended to leave my thoughts simply with a few words as my facebook status "It is so very easy to judge, to say what you would or wouldn't do; I'm sure some decisions may surprise other people, but until you find yourself in the exact same position, you truly have no idea!"
Sorry, I just can't seem to let it stop there.
The famous Duggar family, suffered a 2nd trimester miscarriage last week. The world is outraged and looking at everything this couple does as a publicity stunt. (you can read the story here)
While I do not advocate for anyone having 20 children, it is not my place to judge a family that loves and provides, without the assistance of government help, for their family.
Your personal feelings aside on what this woman may be doing to her body, the footprint they are leaving on our environment, etc, etc. You can not deny the pain this family is experiencing in the loss of their last child!
I. WEEP. FOR. AND. WITH. THEM.
and yes, as crazy as this may sound to you, I AM JEALOUS OF THEM.
They are the parents of a precious angel. A perfect child that shall forever watch over them and love them from heaven, resting safely in the arms of our Lord.
So am I!
This isn't a blessing, (and yes it is a blessing) that I would wish to any parent.
My circumstances in having my baby in heaven is slightly different than the Duggars, but no less special.
So, why you ask am I jealous?
Because they have pictures!!!!
Yes, many people the world over are outraged and disgusted by the audacity and seemingly senselessness of Michelle Duggar and family to hand out pictures of their stillborn preterm child.
I have never seen a more tasteful, beautiful picture in all my life!
I completely commend this family and the photographers from nowilaymedowntosleep.org for the beauty they have shown in this sweet pictures.
I am jealous that the Duggars have a visual reminder, beautiful enough to display to the world of their angel in heaven. I am jealous that in the face of tragedy, they had time to think and prepare for a precious way to remember their angel.
You see when "tragedy" strikes, we are often left with no time to prepare. I am incredibly blessed to have had 3 hours with my precious sweet baby Andrew before he passed away, but I have blogged before, that my ONLY regret surrounding his life and death here on earth, is that I have no pictures fit for displaying. Yes, I have a picture, but it is not one I can show the world. Through a mother's eyes, I can look at his picture, a baby with such little, perfect features, and smile at how the sheer beauty and perfection God alone can create. However, most people can not look at his picture through my eyes. Yes, he was perfect, every finger and toe perfectly formed...a cute button noise, a head of black hair, a tiny, wrinkly little tummy...beautiful, long arms and legs. Perfection in its truest form! Yet, knowing this picture was taken, after he went home to be with Jesus, makes it impossible for most people to look at. I have yet to show my children here on earth, although they know and talk about their brother in heaven frequently, because well, they are simply not mature and understanding enough to appreciate and value the beauty of his picture.
Had I the time to prepare, as the Duggars did, I would have made certain to take pictures of my precious angel. Pictures of him wrapped up, snuggled in my arms, pictures of his daddy kissing his forehead, pictures of his grandparents looking at him in wonderful amazement, pictures of the priest baptizing him, pictures of mommy's tears falling on his gentle cheeks.
Yes, I would have taken pictures, yes, I would still to this day have them displayed proudly in my home. Yes, pictures to show my children of their brother.
I fully support the tastefulness, love and heartbreak in which the Duggars chose to have pictures taken to show their angel to the world, to hang on the wall of their home, to have the visual reminder, when time fads the memory, of the beauty and love they have known through their precious child, Jubilee.
May the Duggars continue to find peace in the knowledge that their sweet girl is with her heavenly father!
At 10, can I still refer to you as little man? I suppose, to me, you will always be a little man, or at least for the next few years!
10.....wow! How did this happen exactly. Double digits. I guess, officially at least, I can no longer say that I am the mother of 4 young children. Being in the double digits makes you older, more than halfway to legal adulthood.
10 years has gone by in the blink of an eye.
It seems just yesterday, I was on my way to the doctors office, praying that this would be the day that you entered into this world. Not 5 minutes into my drive, the radio begins to announce that our country is under attack, in a way that you will learn in history books, but never fully understand unless, God-forbid, tragedy like this strikes again in your lifetime. All at once, my prayers immediately change and I not only begin to pray for the families and lives affected by the horrific events occurring, but I also begin to pray, that you rest in the safety of my belly for just a little while longer. Remaining pregnant with you really was no sacrifice, I love every minute of being pregnant, and truthfully, I wanted and needed your day of birth to be a joyous occasion.
Exactly two weeks to the day later, you decide, Albert with quite a bit of coaxing and then forceful withdraw, to make your entry into this world. The video of your birth, both funny and amazing. I still cry to this day every time I watch it.
You never left my sight after you were born. You were such a precious little guy, well, not exactly little at 8lbs 1oz, but little still as only a newborn can be.
You were an absolutely perfect baby. You only cried when hungry. You were content to sleep, a lot. You were so laid back and easy going. You smiled often. You ate like crazy (still do), there was (is) nothing you don't like.
I have had the blessing of being your mother for 10 years now, and honestly sweet heart, there is nothing I would change. Sure, there have been times you have driven me crazy, all kids do, but every moment I have been blessed to parent you has been wonderful.
You are changing so much these days, growing so quickly, physically...mentally...emotionally.
Truthfully, as much as I love the young man you are becoming, I long to stop time. The changes in you coming so fast as of late, the mommy in me is having a hard time adjusting.
I thought when I let you go with your grandparents, for 5 weeks alone this summer without me, that I was giving you independence, letting you spread your wings (while under the watchful eye of those that raised me), giving you a break from being the big brother. I thought I was letting you do all these things for just 5 weeks and then I would have back my little boy.
The truth is, that I didn;t acknowledge at the time, that you needed those 5 weeks to spread your wings, but once spread, they will never go back to where they were. You will never again be my flightless bird.
We were all walking through Target a couple weeks ago. Picking out new school clothes for the girls. As we walked by the boys section, you stopped and picked out an outfit that you wanted. The style, taking me very much by surprise. You picked out a shirt, jeans, a jacket and even a hat, that I would have never thought to buy you. And ever so slightly, my heart broke.
Laying in bed that night, talking to your dad about the day, I began to tear up. Your dad looked at me in complete disbelief that I could get sad over your choice of clothing. Yes, it seems that simple. Yet my heart knows that you picking your own style of clothing is so much more.
I have always picked your clothes, never caring what you wore, really. I have always picked your style, short or jeans and a t-shirt. You have always been perfectly okay to go along with whatever I picked.
But, you are continue on to spread your wings farther. You see sweet heart, the simple act of picking your own style is the first big step in being your own person. You have developed and will continue to develop still, your own identity, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, passions, wants and needs. A simple shirt selection, reminds me that you are your own person and will be spreading your wings more and more in the years to come.
I am not ready. I am not sure a mother is ever ready, but I am certain I am not! I want to hold you at 9 forever. I want you to always have you excited that I volunteer in your classroom. I want to always know that I am the prettiest girl in your life. I want to always know that you will be my little boy. Yet, you won't be.
You now have the option of joining clubs at school, about two dozen different after school activities to choose from, and again, your choices surprised me. Yet, another opportunity that makes you the unique individual that you are.
Tonight, as I type, I can hear you in your room, having a birthday party sleep over with your friends from school. Your first real sleepover and surprise birthday party all rolled in to one. I have watched all night long as you have interacted with your friends. I am proud of the person you are. I enjoyed the moments of you acting like little kids (and yes, even the moments where you acted like obnoxious 10 year old boys, but I will never admit to that). I loved seeing the smile on your face at receiving the outfit you so badly wanted. I can not wait to see you dressed up in it. I love the fact that you still hugged me when your friends were here. I love that you feel safe enough to be who you are with us and your friends.
I know that picking a new clothing style and clubs are just the beginning of the independence you will begin to seek as you grow. I know that with every step away from me, I will be sad. I know that I can't stop time and keep you at 9. I know that someday you will drive, have a real girlfriend, move away. I know that because I cannot stop these things from happening, nor really would I want to as they are all healthy and a part of life, I will embrace them fully. I may not always like the things you do or say, I may not like your clothing styles (although, I do love your new outfit), I may not always agree with your choices....but I will always support you, accept you, encourage you, love you and hug you.
You will always be my little man, whether at 6months, 5 years or 10 years old. You will always be my little man..... I am thankful to God daily for you, you set the bar on me being a parent. You will always walk the path of being the oldest, the decisions we make, the rules and limits we set with you, will always be a first for us, and for that I am thankful. You make parenting easy and fun. You make me more proud than you will ever know.
I hope you always have the loving, kind, compassionate heart that you do today. I hope that you never lose your sense of humor (maybe the sarcasm a little bit :), your athleticism, your desire to learn. I hope this year brings you wonderful moments full of chances to grow in God, to be a kid, to have fun and yes, to learn new things. Mostly, I hope this year brings you the opportunities to still be my wonderful little man.
You will always and forever be mu little man, doodlebug, Lil cutie.
I love you my sweet, sweet Adam and hope that 10 is the best year yet!!!!!!
Now would you and your friends please go to sleep so I can?! :)
Welcome to the day to day ramblings of a slightly sarcastic, incredibly tired but happy, always thankful, SAHM of 4 kids (and 2 frequently leased psuedo-kids), loved wife, child of God, part time teacher and graduate student. My children (and psuedo-children) were all born w/in 5 years, 2 of them at the same time. I have been happily married for over 14 years. Join the fun...the chaos, as I grow... stumble... learn... strive to be a better wife, mother, child, teacher and student! I am FAR from perfect but definitely incredibly, insanely, amazingly blessed!!!! Enjoy!!!