Peace

I have been very blessed my whole life to be able to have one set of grandparents alive. They lived very close. I spent a lot of time there growing up when my parents would need a babysitter or would go out of town.

Some of my sweetest memories of my grandpa include him yelling at me to put on an undershirt and making me take cod liver oil when he thought I may be getting sick. Man, how nasty that stuff was!

Grandpa was a wonderful man. I don't say that through tears of grief. I say that as a person who knew him well for almost 35 years. He was always healthy and active. He took numerous vitamins daily. He was even a bodybuilder in his youth, actually having been titled Mr. Universe back in his day :)

This is not to say he was perfect. Oh man, he wasn't. He was human. He was flawed. He could be grouchy. He could be selfish. He could be opinionated. Sometimes he could even be argumentative. He did not hide his feelings on any subject or person.

But for every imperfection, there were 2 or 3 perfections. He loved and adored my grandma, in the kind of way every girl hopes for! He loved his family, in spite of how crazy they drove him. He was one of the 1st people to hold Katie after she was born. He came to see the kids weekly when he could, in spite of how it tired him. He loved his classical music. He loved his slides. He loved to tinker with electronics, more often that not messing up the wires behind the TV so my dad would have to fix them. He loved politics. He was proud to have served in the military, in more than one branch. He loved to watch the news and read the newspaper.

My grandpa was a strong man. He hated how his body shut down at the end. Hated that he felt he was being a burden on anyone.

But man, how he loved my grandma doting on him. He called her baby and darling and beautiful. He told her he loved her and missed her when she was gone. She was his world and he hers. Even this last year in a nursing home couldn't have separated their love. Even death will not separate their love.

He was a very blessed man to have such a doting, loving, adoring wife. The admiration between them mutual.

The admiration between him and I mutual. Even in times of my rebellious youth. I knew that my grandpa would always be there. Even death will not stop that.

I may not be able to see him daily. I may not be able to hug his physical body. I may not ever rub his bald head, gag as I watch him eat his much loved sardines, pick on him for his big ears, dote over him as he moves across my living room.

Yes, I am sad that no more will I be able to share the physicalities of this life with him. But I am finding a peace and comfort unexpected in his passing. I know that he is still always there for me. I can talk to him daily, for his hearing is now perfect. I can smile because I know that he is holding my sweet baby Andrew. I am not sad that he will miss my birthday this year, because in my heart, he is and always will be here. I know he is watching, protecting, loving me now more than ever.

I am at peace because I know he knows how much I loved him and adored him. And I know I was his favorite granddaughter.

Grandpa, I love you so much. Someday we will be together again. In perfect bodies. In a perfect place! In the meantime, thank you for wonderful memories...wonderful guidance... I love you!

Love

I was sitting this morning in silence while the kids were at school looking out the window.

In the quietness, I began to reflect on things within myself and my marriage.

Please Mr. Producer know that this is not intended as a laundry list of things you don't do. Rather this is me finding beauty in the things you do. Please realize honey that I am only sharing this with the world because, well, after talking with some friends, I realize that whether this is our marriage or theirs, everyone can benefit from reading this!

I love that he makes my coffee every morning, that he gets up with the kids in the morning and gets them dressed, fed and ready for school. In and of themselves, those are expressions of love!

For a while now, I have been realizing that the more I mother and wife, the more I long for Mr. Producer to do more romantic things with me and for me.

I long for him to turn off the tv and dance with me in the living room. I long for him to kiss me more, longer. I long for him to sit by the fire with me at night and just talk. I long for him to text me in the middle of the day, calling me beautiful and just saying I love you, whatcha doing.

These are the things that I need to hear...do...want to feel like more than his co-parent and roommate. These things to me are an important sign of love. They are a way of knowing he still sees me as his girlfriend yet with the security of being his wife. These are the things, more than the coffee that would show me his love.

Yet, as I am thinking of these longings, a bird flies by. Instantly, I am focusing more upward. I am likening my relationship with Mr. Producer much like my relationship with God.

I know by the gifts of my children, friends and family that my Lord loves me. He lets the sun rise every morning and the moon shine bright every night as a sign of his love. He gives the beach, the birds, the smell of rain as a gift.

Do I want more as a human than this, yes. Does he give the sun, moon, birds to everyone, yes. Do I want him to give me romantic moments, yes.

Yet, when I slow down, when I realize that phone call came from a friend at just the right moment. When I realize that another trip to the bathroom by one of the kids before we leave the house could have been the 1 thing that avoided us from an accident. When I realize that the dr. called when I was pregnant with Adam at just the same moment I lost Andrew, wanting me to come in immediately because they felt something wasn't right. When I realize that the rain fell on the day that I planted a garden. When the bird stops at my window, looks in and sings for a moment. These are the moments that I know God is romancing me. These are the times that I know he is showing me his love.

If I didn't stop for a moment and pay attention to these things, I may miss them. If I didn't look beyond the obvious to see the true meaning, I wouldn't recognize the moment for what its worth.

The same is true for Mr. Producer and I. If I didn't pause for a second and realize that he could in a quick state forget to make my coffee. That he could be grouchy and mean about me staying in bed. That he could ask me to work. That he could not give the kids a bath while I finish cleaning the kitchen so we could both relax together.

If I didn't pay attention to the little moments, the gentle expressions of love, I could take them for granted. I could believe he does those things because he has too.

Do I still want him to dance with me, kiss me, romance me, in the way that I want him too, YES!

Do I still want God to let me be financially free, allow Mr. Producer to work from home, give me perfect children. YES!

For today, will I look beyond what I want and enjoy what they give. YES! Will I spend a little more time today appreciating their love. YES!

(but Mr. Producer, if you turn off the tv tonight and dance with me, I wouldn't turn you down :)

I LOVE YOU!

Thank you God and Mr. Producer for the daily expressions of love!!!