and we start anew

I always look forward to a new year. It is sort of like a new day, only longer, a clean slate... a chance to reflect, grow, improve, ponder, clean. A time of hope for positive things to come in the year ahead. I always try to greet the new year as a time to get the house reorganized after Christmas.Before we can move forward though, it is only fitting we put 2009 to bed.
The twins turned 2, Katie 4, Adam 8......WOW! The only times in their lives they will be half each others age!!!! Cute, trivia :)
There have been sooo many changes this year. Some hoped for, some surprising, some sad, none can be taken back.There are a couple things I swore I would never do and did. A few I didn't do but wanted to.

Old friendships were rekindled. New friendships formed. Continuing friendships developed deeper.There was more than anyone's fair share of tears. There was also more love than I could have imagined or hoped for.The kids switched rooms, went on a lot of trips, had a couple medical visits and experienced their first car accident. They also participated in football and dance.There were trials, tribulations, questions. Even better, there were hugs, happiness, hope.This year brought a few less diapers and a lot more laundry!This year was also kind enough to bring smaller clothes, healthier eating, an addiction to running... as well as a continued love of dark chocolate and cooking and eating.
Mr. Producer visited new states and even better, new countries; while I got a tattoo and pierced my nose.The house enjoyed some much needed remodeling.We have had a couple additions to the family, 5 chickens, 1 bunny and 1 hamster. We have also had a couple losses, 2 chickens and 1 bunny :(Trips to the beach, disney, parks, church, family and friends house have brought memories and stories we will forever share and cherish.
Even with all the changes, there have been constants aplenty this year.
Our families support, encouragement, love. Our ability to laugh, work hard, embrace challenges and learn from them, and love.
We may not know what 2010 holds for us. We all have wishes, plans and goals. But there are no guarantees in life. We are all eager and ready for whatever the new year brings. The only thing we know for certain is that it will bring continued love, fun and chaos (and lots of wii playing)...... ENJOY!With love to family, friends and fans......may God bless you with the best year yet! And the urge to leave me more comments :)

Traditions

Growing up, I always wanted to be at the grown-up table, not because it seemed more fun, but because it seemed so mysterious...

While it may have seemed boring that they just sat around and talked, there was always something to wonder what they were talking about.

Constantly told to go play, I was always curious and convinced, there were great secrets being told. Conversations being discussed that were inappropriate for little ears.

Not once in my youth did I ponder that perhaps the conversations being discussed were work, finances, friends, free-time, or heaven forbid, the very kids being shooed away.

As I grew up to be a teen and young adult, I viewed these secret table or relaxing around the living room discussions as the most boring of times.

Today, as an adult, lucky enough to take part in these conversations, I can attest to the fact that they are in fact one of my favorite holiday traditions.

It seems that every year Mr. Producer and I add traditions to our Christmas season. Some are so sadly missed if the opportunity does not allow us to partake and others, well, quite honestly, they cause me stress, but they are part of our yearly traditions.

In no particular order, here are a list of our traditions.....

Helping out my church serve food and adopt a family less fortunate than out own.
Buying a new ornament for each member of the family to signify something that happened that year.
Walking around our city park and looking at Christmas lights.
Going out to dinner, fast food & totally unhealthy, before we embark on driving around and looking at christmas lights.
Opening a present on Christmas eve.
Going to Christmas eve service.
Buying each other our own personal wrapping paper.
Writing down goals for the next year, both individual and as a family.
Eating the same Christmas dinner cooked lovingly by my father in law.
Eating cinammon rolls for breakfast on Christmas morning.
Setting out cookies of course, and carrots for the reindeer.
Tracking Santa on Christmas eve.
Setting up the Nativity scene.
Discussing each ornament as we hang it on the tree.
Staying up too late Christmas Eve.
Napping Christmas day.
Losing or forgetting a present :)
Watching the kids Christmas play and going out to breakfast afterwards.
Having an extended family Christmas party.
Opening the advent calendar.
Cuddling next to the tree.
Drinking too much coffee.
And yes, sitting around the grown-up table, talking, laughing and being reminded of how blessed we really are with great friends, family, health and love on this fun, chaos of a journey, we call life.

So, whether you are a bah humbug or you thoroughly enjoy Christmas, you can't escape traditions, they are what makes your family unique!

Tell me what are some of yours?

MERRY CHRISTMAS........

forging ahead

Usually I write letters to you guys on your birthdays but somehow it seemed fitting to write a letter to you tonight.I put you guys to sleep in my room tonight so that your daddy could repaint your room and turn it into a princess haven. It was so bittersweet to cuddle with both of you together. Reminiscent of days gone bye. As you have gotten older the chance to snuggle with you both at the same time has turned into more of a battle than an enjoyment. Tonight however, you both seemed to sense that changes were coming. You argued not over who got to be closer to mommy but of wanting to be by each other.For 3.5 years (if you count since conception) you guys have slept together (at least in the same room) nightly (with the exception of about 10 NICU days). Even when you were struck with the stomach flu last year, you...me...daddy all slept together. Most things you guys have done together. You may have learned to walk or talk at different times, but you still did it together. You guys still wake up in the morning or from nap time and play together for a while before you join the rest of the family. You still ask for each other when you are not together.Tomorrow will be the move from the big kid room & babies room to the boys & girls rooms.You guys are ready to be with your same sex counterpart. Jason and your love of all things boy and Becca your desire to be just like your "best sister in the whole wide world, Katie".I hope you become closer to your siblings. Mostly Jason and Adam. Not that you aren't close, but your age spread has been more of a disadvantage to you two than the girls. Yet, I so hope and pray that you never lose the special bond you to have. The ability to communicate in half sentences and looks or mere grunts.
You guys are unique in your right as siblings. I envy you that. You complete each other in ways nobody else, even your spouses, ever will. I am glad that you are opposites, it makes you each so very unique. Yet, you are each others yin to yang and I hope you always will be.
So, while it will be bittersweet to separate you two tomorrow, it will also be cute to watch you guys forge new ways independent of each other. I do wonder if you will carve out alone time just for each other, if you will sneak into each others rooms or beds. For even now, sleeping in my bed, you are turned into, facing each other. We have always said that you guys let us into your world. May you hang on to that world in spite of not constantly being right next to each other. And may you always know and appreciate how lucky you are to have a twin.
I love you my big kids....my boy and girl...my twins...forever my babies....

ask and recieve

I wanted someone who would dance in the living room with me
*** I got someone who makes my coffee every morning ***

I wanted someone who would tell me I am beautiful
*** I got someone who allows me to stay home & raise our children ***

I wanted someone who made me feel like a princess
*** I got someone who doesn't complain when the house isn't clean ***

I wanted someone smooth, fun, exciting, intoxicating
*** I got someone honest, faithful, loving ***

I wanted someone to sit on the couch and snuggle with me all night long
*** I got someone who forces me to sit down at the end of a long day ***

I wanted someone daring, exotic, mysterious
*** I got someone who is laid back, goofy, unfailing ***

I wanted someone to "cuddle" with in the rain, under the stars
*** I got someone who will go to the store in the middle of the night in the rain ***

I wanted someone who would make me his world
*** I got someone who has given me the world x 4 ***

I asked for someone perfect
*** I got someone perfect for me ***

Remember the best things in life are not what you ask for, but what you are given.....

Happy 12 years Mr. Producer!

I LOVE YOU!

Katie's candy

Tonight Mr. Producer, amazing girl, little man and I went and volunteered with my church at a dinner and Christmas gift giving party for displaced families. This is one of the highlights of the Christmas season for me. Often, I am not ready to embrace Christmas, I simply go through the motions, before this blessed event occurs. Every year I leave humbled and thankful for the chance to be able to serve and love others. I am even more thankful that I get to pass this on to my children.

So, tonight, feeling all warm and fuzzy from hearts full of selflessness, we come home to open the advent calendar. With 4 kids, it is up to the discretion of the parent (usually based on their behavior that day) who gets to open the calendar and subsequently eat the chocolate candy inside. Tonight, Mr. Producer told all the kids that they got to pick who did this coveted job. Fully expecting Adam and Katie, with hearts full of love and God's grace to say "let so-and-so have it", I could only roll my eyes heavenward with a prayer and I say when they began to fight over it. Of course, doing anything Katie does, Becca immediately began to join in. When daddy asked Jason who should have it, he said.... Becca....

Can you guess who got the candy?

So, later when the tears (yes, tears over a piece of candy) died down and the older 2 were ready to talk, I used the candy as an opportunity to talk with the kids about being selfless, loving, and kind. We talked about the difference between being kind and being nice. We discussed listening to God instead of listening to satan. We discussed the reason we celebrate Christmas.

(which for the record goes a little something like this. The kids know that Jesus was born for us. They know he was born to save us. As for Christmas, we talk about what gifts we can give Jesus, our hearts, belief and love (katie also includes toys and chocolates, I'm pretty sure Jesus is a fan of chocolate :). Then we talk about how everyone gets presents on their birthday but that Jesus doesn't need presents, so he has santa bring presents (and chocolate if your katie) to all the good kids) theology lesson over

The children are intently listening. They are agreeing, nodding their heads when appropriate. They are answering my question, they are talking about God's love, they are saying how great it felt to give to others.

I wrap all this up with asking what they can do tomorrow to be able to open the calendar and eat the chocolate.... and with all the seriousness of a 4 year old, with all the love of the Lord inside her, Katie so earnestly responds........

Wait and do the calendar when all my brothers and sister are in bed.........


I love you Katie!

Me, defined

For those who are real close, you know lately has been a time of ugh in our house. We have had late nights trying to figure out what is right for our family. We have had temper tantrums, by both kids and adults. We have had periods of self discovery. We have made mistakes. Some of us have even done things that have shocked some of you. To say that our house has had trying times lately has been an understatement. Yet, I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world. The last few months have taught me about, me.

You live with yourself, your thoughts...emotions...feelings for so long that I think most of us just go with the flow of who we are.

Until we have a moment...day...week...event that shakes us. Until you have a it-won't-happen-to-me-event.

Now, most of you thought that moment for me was Andrew. At the time, I am sure it was. However, this year has brought a couple of those events for me personally.

I have had many moments this year where I have done things I swore I never would. I have had relationships tested. Beliefs challenged. Ideal's changed. Growth occuring.

I started out this year so sure of who I was... a wife... a mother... a child of God... a friend... a daughter... grand daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt.

But, somewhere along the way this year, it felt like I was all those things and nothing!

Somewhere along the way, I began to feel like I had lost me. I became so busy doing for everybody else, that I did nothing for me. So lost in the routine of life, I began to operate on auto pilot. The jobs, demands of the day still getting done, but the heart and soul behind them was quiet.

I still loved my kids, family deeply. I still gave hugs & kisses as needed, when asked, without reason. I still helped, gladly, willingly anyone that needed it. But, there was a piece of me missing. My husband will vouch. So will some friends.

There was a part of me that was shorter fused. Easier to aggravate. Quicker to yell. (by the way, this is contagious and not good, lol :)

It felt like the more demands that were placed on me, the more I wanted to back away. The more questions asked, the more silent I wanted to be. The more people wanted me to go back to being me, the more I couldn't... at least on the inside.

Now some of you are wondering who in there right mind would publish this for the world to see. You are questioning my motives, my reason... no doubt, maybe rightly so!

Consider this my public apology. For those of you who were use to me making the 1st step, phone call...I am sorry that I have stopped doing that. For those of you who were use to occupying all my time when not with my family, it may feel I have deserted you. I am sorry. And I haven't.

These past few months have brought about some very new friends and some re-aquainting with some very beloved old friends. I couldn't be happier!

Now, on to the real sappy part (bleh, lol)-------- I love each and everyone of you. Family, friends!

I am checking back into my life. My heart and soul has finished its break.

However, if you are expecting your phone to start ringing daily, it probably won't. If you are expecting me to want to be with you all the time, I won't.

I regret nothing I have done lately. I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I have learned who I am...

I am still a wife... mother... daughter... friend... child of God... all those other things. I still relish some roles more than others.

But, I have learned I am so much more than the titles placed upon me.

I am strong. I am the girl who can be found listening to either country, christian, or pop music depending on the moment. I love to exercise. I have come to depend on making that a part of my day. I love to shop. I love to cook. I love to hang out with my friends. I love to be alone. I love to go out on a Saturday night and dance. I love to go to church on Sunday morning. I hate to do laundry but I realize it is in its own way a declaration of my love. I love my chickens, cat and yes, hamster. I long for a dog. I love my tattoo, if you aren't sure why then you haven't read this post. I love my nose piercing, no not because it makes me different, but because I think it is cute, fun, spunky, my husband loves it and you only live once. I love God! Not because it is the cool thing to do, but because He is the only one who loves me and accepts me totally. I am a huge fan of dressing up, kissing, my cool kids, cuddling, talking. I love my husband, he...me...us are so far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I am going to quit trying so hard, giving...planning...doing so much. I am going to let others have some control... some initiation... some say so! (for the record, this will be a work in progress, lol) I am finding that I think the human mind is way cool; the reasons we do things, consciously and subconsciously is very fascinating. I am the girl who misses teaching but is not ready to leave my kids to go back. I am the girl who wants to write a novel. I am the girl who is not creative but has a great imagination. I have always said that I do not need anyone in my life but want everyone that is in it, in whatever capacity they are in it --- I am that girl!

So, while there are some physical and behavioral changes that may have occurred in the last few months, I am still the same girl I use to be, only slightly more sure of myself, my believes, my love, my life!

Welcome to my world.......

Human

Many of my friends, including my single mom friends, have stated on numerous occasions that they honestly don't know how I do it. This statement usually follows a conversation about Mr. Producers job and the hours involved or something not so pleasant the kids have done...

My standard response is that I just do... That I have no choice... That the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle!

A couple friends have even said that I am more machine that human. This has never been said as a derogatory statement, but rather to indicate that I am seemingly tireless. That I can and usually do, do everything. That I rarely let things get to me.

I have even had 1 or 2 friends tell me that I could be a single mom. That Mr. Producers hours and traveling are long enough, that there are times where I am. I have been known to agree with this statement more than once.

Well, let me set the record straight tonight.... I AM HUMAN!!!!

The extended weekends that Mr. Producer is out of town, I lovingly refer to as flying solo. I usually look forward to my own time with the kids. The chance to keep the TV off in the evening, to go to bed when I want to, to eat the foods/meals he doesn't like. In fact, when he is home for extended periods of time, we have both been known to look at each other and jokingly ask when he is leaving again.

When Mr. Producer is in town, it is not uncommon for us to talk via text or phone a dozen or so times a day! Of course, we have the evenings or nights together too. Whether we are talking or watching TV or doing our own separate thing, we are still together, in the same house, neighborhood, city, state, country. When he is out of town, even across the country, we still talk via text or phone calls, extensively. There are times where we are on the phone for an hour or more at night, sometimes talking, other times just watching a TV show together.

When we found out he would be traveling out of the country we immediately inquired of our cell phone carrier if his phone would work overseas, how much it would cost per minute to talk, how much texts were. With our new found knowledge and his new global rental phone, we thought we were prepared for his departure. We decided ahead of time that due to prices we would only talk via text and that 1 day midweek he would call and we would all be able to say hi and hear each others voices.

I thought I was okay with this. I thought I would relish a whole week alone. I had dinner menu's planned, food I knew he would never eat. I have a couple girls nights planned. I couldn't wait to NOT listen to the blasted TV nightly.

That is, until the text came in today (via a coworker) that his phone was not working... AT ALL!!!!!

In that instance I became aware of exactly how I "do it". That 1 little text, so full of a weeks worth of silence, I realized what I have that a single mom doesn't. In those 3 lines, I knew how lucky I was.

I "do it" because I have the love of my best friend. I have a man who for better or worse, loves me. He is there for me. He knows me, in ways that no one else does. He shares my memories. He loves our children. Even when he is out of town, we still talk, he is still there. Even when we are mad at each other and choosing not to talk, we are still there for each other. I know that at any moment I can call him. I know that even if I am being annoying and bothersome, it's okay. I know that if there is an emergency, a car accident, a trip to the ER, a sad sorry to tell about school, he is there!

When in the flash of an eye I thought he wouldn't be there....I knew then, maybe more so than I realized in a long time (because we can all admit to times of taking each other for granted) how much I loved my Mr. Producer. How much I depend on him to be my sounding board. To listen when I need to vent. To hug me when I need to cry. To make me laugh when I am overwhelmed. To call me on it when I am being crazy. To set me straight when I am worrying or being overbearing. To just read the text that says I love you for no reason at all.

I do it all with God's help, I will give my Lord that credit. I do it because I ask God for and he grants me daily, patience... understanding... love... stamina... energy... strength

I also do it because He gave me a best friend... He gave me another person to share it all with... He gave me someone who even though he may not always be here in flesh, he is always here!!!!

I "do it" because I am a very lucky girl......

p.s. Mr. Producer did get his phone fixed. We won't text much or talk often because of the cost, but at least I know he is there :)