Wednesday, August 25, 2010

10 years

Dearest Andrew,

I don't have to look at the date on the calendar to know its your birthday. I can feel it getting closer... in my heart, in my soul.

I don't often get sad on this special day. I guess today (and the last couple days) is hard because it is hard to believe it has been so long since I held my angel in my arms. The years go by quickly. I am busy raising your brothers and sisters.

I write you a letter every year on your birthday and think of you daily, how can I not? Yet, when I pause to write your letter this year I am overcome that so much time has gone by.

For the first time since that long first year immediately after you went to heaven, I find myself wondering what you would be like...

Would you be into football like Adam?
Would you be charming and comedic like Jason?
Would you be serious like Becca or outgoing like Katie?
Would you still have a head full of black hair like your daddy?
Would you have endured a surgery or two because of your club foot?
Would you still be long and lean?
Would you have difficulty in school?
Would you have been the less than .0001% of kids to thrive beautifully without any complications from arriving so early?
You would be going into 5th grade this year.

Oh Andrew, sometimes it seems crazy to miss something you spent such a few precious hours holding, but peanut, what I would give to hold you today. I know someday we will be together again, but today, mommy misses you dearly!

Never for a minute think I regret having you. Those were six of the best months of my life...feeling you move, jumping from hiccups, kicking. Even as I knew I was losing you, laying there all night long knowing nothing could be done, I cherished every movement. I was overcome with joy when you were born, little, but absolutely perfect and alive!

I can close my eyes and remember every detail of that night, all my worries, questions, second guessing, guilt. Trying to push their way to the forefront of my mind, yet every movement you make reminding me to not waste a precious moment.

I only have 1 picture of you, yet I know that I do not need to look at it to remember every facet of you. Your nose, identical to mine. Your hair, feet, body build all your daddy. Your eyes stayed closed the whole time, you didn't make a sound, we knew you wouldn't be here long, but the smell and feel of your small body is woven into every inch of my heart!

I would never exchange those 3 hours of feeling your heartbeat, holding your fingers, kissing you, marveling of your beauty and strength for anything in this world. That time was just pure perfection.

You were, are and will always be perfect.

I could never have known then the gift you would give me in all your siblings and I believe that a part of each of them make up the young man you would be today!

While I would never change a second of my time with you, how I long for it back. Even with knowing the outcome and all the pain, how I long to see and hold you again.

And while I know that will not be for a long time to come, please know that in spite of the tears I shed today and the pain I feel, I rejoice in being called your mommy!

Peanut I miss you terribly and love you more. May you celebrate your going home day with our Father and know that we too are celebrating you here on earth!

With all my love, forever and always.... mommy!

p.s. look for the balloon the kids and I will be sending your way later tonight... know there are a lifetime of hugs and kisses filling that balloon!!!!

I love you peanut!

1 comment:

LD BFF said...

Amazing. I can barely type through my tears. I can not imagine your tremendous loss. You are so brave & strong. I think I would have crumbled but you did not. Hugs to you & Jim. Hugs to all your earthly babies & a hug for Andrew, your angel baby. It was beautifully written. Amazing.