Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Confessions of a control freak

Ok, I admit it....I am a control freak!!!!!!

For most of you this comes as no surprise!!!!

Some of this post may best be shared with just Mr. Producer, but it's my blog and I control it :)

Honestly, I get my controlling nature from my mom! (Mom, I love you and get MANY other wonderful qualities from you as well).

I will if given the chance, or even if not really, try to control anything (I am after all a mom, isn't that what we do??) !!!!

I control what my kids wear. I control what we do. I even try to control what we do with friends most of the time. I control what we eat. I control bed times. I control our finances. I control the errands, the chores, the pets (ok, well maybe not so much the cat and chickens who has a mind of their own). I control who I want to talk to (and will continue to talk even if they don't want me to :) I control when we go to church (and when we don't). I control who I want to see and when. I control the discipline method. I control the garden. I think one of the reasons I love texting is because I can control when I talk to you and you can NOT control when you hear from me!!! I usually control what we order from other kids fundraisers!! Heck, I even control Little Man and Mr. Producer's facebook farms for the love of pete!!!

I have little tolerance it seems some days for people who can not equally control stuff!! But then get mad at those who take the control from me...hehehe

Is it really any wonder that I choose teaching as a profession??

Now, in my defense, I do NOT ever try to control things to be mean. Sometimes I do it to alleviate stress from other people, to make their lives easier! A lot of the times, I am controlling a situation or something and don't even realize it!!! It is just simply a part of my personality! Just as much as being social (yes, my school parent/teacher conferences always held that I was a great child, a good student academically, but I ALWAYS needed to work on not being so chatty!!!!) And as much as wanting to help other people...Again, no surprise to most of you!!!

I am a control freak but not a nazi. I control what my kids wear in the sense that I pick out 5 outfits for school that week, they get to pick which of the 5 they want to wear on what day(provided it matches)! I control what we eat for dinner, but give everyone a choice on their drinks. I control that they must take a bath, but don't control what they play with in the tub. I control when I sit on the couch and snuggle and watch TV with Mr. Producer and what we watch, but I don't control what he watches when I am not sitting there with him....although sometimes I would like to as I can only listen to so many Seinfeld reruns :)

I accept this as part of my character. I do not often look at this as a flaw. I take pride in having things turn out perfectly because I controlled them to be that way!


I no longer want control!!!!! Now that I have taken it all, I don't want it.

The problem with taking everything is that there is nothing left for anyone.
The problem with enjoying having everything is that you don't want to share.
The problem with not sharing is that you do eventually get tired.

To the fab 4 and Mr. Producer! I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!

I realize one of the reasons why Mr. Producer LOVES his job and loves to work is because there he has control!

I recognize there is always a need for control. Some things just require it. Even something as simple as getting together with friends, needs someone to lead the way, make the plans (but that someone needs to pay attention to what everyone else wants to do)

This last year, I have heard on more than one occasion that I have changed. For the most part, I want to yell no. But then, I have to is true!

I have realized this past year, that I AM DAMN TIRED!

I no longer want full control of everything and anything. I want people to make decisions sometimes for me and sometimes with me!

But I realize that means I have to let go of the control. And that scares me. What if the whole world falls apart?! (I know they wont though! Take my absence from decision making of a fundraiser purchase, well that turned out even better than OK!)

Yet, I am just at the point of tired enough, that I don't care if the world falls apart. I don't care if the kids live on McDonalds, if Little man doesn't do his homework, the list could go on and on!

This is where the change in me has come in! I have controlled my thoughts enough to not share them...Eeeeek!!!!

So I quit taking control of many things, and yes, it seems some things have fallen apart! What I didn't do though, was come forward to my team mate and say "hey honey...I am sorry I have taken such control, I want you to take some back, please let's work on this together." Oh no, the control freak in me, has just said, I am not doing this anymore and let it slide! Expecting someone else to take the reins they didn't even know were laying around!

So where am I going with this information? Why did I choose to share my private mess-up with the rest of the world? (aside from still wanting to be in some control ;)

Well, because I think most of you deserve an apology from me. For my friends whose time I completely monopolized, I am so sorry. Please know that I did it out of love for you and wanting to be with you! For the Fab 4...I am sorry babies but I am giving you some control won't be easy, we will sink in the beginning. (please know when you see us in public and the kids may not match or their hair isn't brushed, well....they have control over that ;) As for Mr. Producer....most of my apology will have to take place out of the public realm...I do have enough control of myself to not share most of our dirty laundry ;) But, publicly, let me say...I am so sorry!!!!

To friends....If I don't text you, call you or ask to get together, please know that I still want to, just take some control and ask me!!

To my family...when I am starting to control a situation or something instead of just giving a reminder.....TELL ME GENTLY!

So, don't ask me what we are having for dinner tonight or what the kids are wearing tomorrow....they will have control!  It might be chocolate chips and soda and dorito's.....its ok, they will tire of that eventually. They may show up to school or church or football practice this evening in plaids and stripes....that too is ok, because well, they are just cute enough to pull it off!!!!

Psst.....I always maintain the right to control MY BLOG though!!!

I love all of my fellow control know who you are, whether you admit it or not, you DO know who you are. JUST ONCE, GIVE UP THE CONTROL! Just let the world know you are doing it so there are no surprises :)

and I am a perfectionist, but that is a confession for another day! :)

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