Monday, January 4, 2010

a picture

Oh squirt!

The tears, hot on my cheeks, barely held in long enough to put your brothers and sisters to bed!

The face the world sees, the story the world hears, the girl the world knows. Sometimes, it is all a facade. Even the strong cry! Even the sure are weak. Even the heart full of joy cries. Even the blessed have regrets.

The kids came across your box tonight! Their attitude of you so accepting. They feel no sadness, they embrace the fact that you are in heaven waiting for them, watching over them. They are eager to soak up information of you. Slightly, they are jealous that they never got to see their brother. Their angel. Their Andrew.

I shared with them the treasured physical joys that remain of your brief but wonderful time here. The blanket, half the size of a full term babies. The booties and cap, way too small for even a baby doll. The measuring tape was held against various size babies to show them how tiny you were. The shell used to baptize you. Adam took pictures of everything, so sweet and quiet he processes any mention of you. Katie looked at the ultrasound picture and said, it sure is dark in there. Becca and Jason ooohed and aaahed over everything. Katie remarking about how much she missed you! Becca just saying, my angel. Jason loved how cute the little things are. So heartwarming, sweet, gentle and tender to share these precious momento's with your siblings. So wonderful to hear their easy acceptance, their joy for you without the pain.

I can talk about you for hours without tears. I look at your feet on mine and don't get sad. I think of you and smile.

Tonight, oh sweet boy.... tonight.... I smelled the cap that you wore and I swear I still smell you! Even that didn't make me cry. Sad, yes. But not cry.

I thought, so blinded by a mothers love, that I could share the only picture we have of you with your siblings. I foolishly thought it was better than I remembered. Quickly, before I could change my mind, I dug it out from its safe spot. OH Peanut.... my heart breaks.... For a moment I am simply a mother who has loved and lost! I am only a mommy who longs for another chance. My breath is taken away at the picture of you. It is quite simply, quite honestly the hardest... most beautiful...saddest...most wonderful and heartbreaking picture I own!

I don't know if the tears I cry are anger at not being able to share your picture with the world or tears of regret for not thinking to take our own or tears of saddness that even 9.5 years later, sometimes it still hurts or tears of joy over thinking of and talking about you!

I do not regret you. I do not deny you. I will take the pain over never having had you anyday! I only regret that I do not have a picture worthy of sharing with the whole world!

Someday, when the kids are older, I will share your picture with them.

Until then, my sweet baby, I leave you with Katie's made-up song at bedtime.

"I love my Andrew, I miss my Andrew, I'm happy for my Andrew"


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Tracey... Did I find you farmer girl?