Mini-mommy

The other night, after Mr. Producer and I ran a 10K, we were talking with the fab 4 about running. We asked Little Man if he would run a 5K with us and of course he responded with a "yes" and the "well duh" look (you know, since he has run a 1 mile race and placed 20th :)

We then turned to Amazing Girl, who at almost 6 just gets more amazing everyday, (but I'll save that for her birthday blog in a couple weeks) and asked if she thought she could run a 5K. Here is the conversation, with included hand gestures.

Mr. Producer: Amazing girl (because you know I refer to my kids in real life with their virtual name :) do you think you could run a 5K

Amazing girl: Of course.......shrugs, well, how far is that?

Me: Probably from here to Nana's

Amazing girl: That's not far (insert look of "Mommy/daddy you are such silly creatures)

Mr. Producer: So, you think you could do it?

Amazing girl: (Hands open in the air about shoulder height and big smile yet total seriousness on her face) Uh ya, I am a mini mommy you know!

Me: LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH

Amazing girl: runs over and gives mommy kisses!!!!!! :)

Man I love that girl. Her natural humor and beauty and sweetness brighten my day!

So, laying in bed later that night, unable to sleep as usual, I began to think of my Amazing Girl. Her comment that she is a mini-mommy, while complimentary and flattering was also terrifying and thought provoking. A couple weeks back, she was in the local paper as student of the week. The last question the interviewer asked was what she wanted to be when she grew up? Without any hesitation at all, her response was......a mommy. As a parent, you are aware daily that your children watch you, this is no secret or mystery. But all these mommy comments from Amazing Girl led me to lay there and reflect upon the mommy traits that I am instilling in her ever present watchful eyes.

Am I the mommy I want my daughters to grow up and be? N.O.!!!!!!!!

In the dark, the images flash through my head, of all the times I have been undeservedly short tempered with my babies. All the moments I have put them on hold for reasons so very unimportant. All the moments I may have missed where their behavior is screaming out for a hug and kiss and attention.

Oh mini-mommy, I do so hope you grow up and become a mommy.....I hope you learn well and watch from me only the good things. Yet, I know that you won't. I know that you will see the times, where in my human state, I leave much to be desired. I know you will witness the times of my deepest imperfections, I know you will see me falter and fail, you will see me cry in frustration, you will hear me raise my voice in anger, you will see me exhausted and in need of a mommy time out, you will see me rashly dole out a punishment, you will God willing, watch me make mistakes.

Yet throughout these imperfections and human errors, I hope your ever vigilant eyes see so much more. I hope they witness me apologize, which should be more often I am certain. I hope you see more the tears I cry of joy that God choose me to raise you four. I hope you hear more laughter than reprimand, more kindness than hostility, more laughter than exhaustion. I hope you notice many many many more hugs and kisses than spankings. I hope you see the pride in my eyes at the joyful child you are. I hope you notice the wonder of amazement as I marvel at the person you are. I hope, dear mini-mommy that you notice mostly the love.

For through the exhaustion, the bad moods, the errors, there is so much more love than you will ever know until you hold your own child in your arms.

Until the day, you become a full blown mommy, I hope you know, understand and accept that your mommy is completely imperfect, has no guide book, makes constant mistakes, yet is so very thankful everyday that she is privileged enough to be called mommy by you!

I love you completely, totally, without condition my beautiful, wonderful Mini-mommy Amazing Girl!

Baby A...a teenage 4 year old

Happy Birthday Baby A.

Hard to imagine that you are already or is it only 4?

The first to grow and develop, to secure yourself a spot within the dark cave of my belly. The first to let us know what your gender was. The one ultimately in charge of when you would be born.

Right from the start you have always taken charge. You are not one to sit back and wait to see what happens....hmmm, I haven't figured out yet where you get that from ;) 

You are in such a hurry to grow up, often saying you will be 5, 8 or even 11 on your next birthday! You have the innocence of a 4 year old and often the attitude of a 14 year old!

Oh Baby A.....you make me laugh so much. You are so fun. You make parenting easy and enjoyable. You have such a warm, maternal heart. You are empathetic, compassionate, giving, loving, intuitive and caring, yet stubborn and bossy when you want or need to be. You are cautious and shy, yet when you let someone in, it is usually for life. You are typically drawn more towards adults or older children than you are kids your own age. Yet, you know your twin completes you. You are usually the 1st one with a big hug, kiss and I love you, just because you want or feel the other person needs it. You are definitely a leader not a follower and often have a hard time adjusting when things don't go exactly your way, yet you are eager to please people and get saddened when you make someone mad or disappointed with you.

Yep, you are definitely the one most like me!

Even your very name means servant of God! That is so true for you. You have such a serving heart, you are most happy when you are doing for others. You are strong and independent, yet you enjoy being loved and wanted, cuddled and kissed.

Your laugh is so infectious and you come up with the most amazing sayings! You love to giggle and smile. You are happiest playing the Wii, the computer, riding your bike, reading a book or just talking!

This past year of your life, you have really asserted your independence and strength and sometimes you get very frustrated when you need help with things.

Oh sweet baby girl, all of these traits will serve you so well later in life. You will be an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend! You are already an amazing daughter, the perfect sister.

You have the best relationships with all your siblings. You embrace and need your twin time with Jason, you cherish your girl time with Katie and you adore your big brother time with Adam.

Little Momma.....slow down! Enjoy this year of being 4. It will only happen once. You are growing and maturing everyday, convinced if you try hard enough, you can will yourself to be as big as Katie. SLOW DOWN! You are perfect, beautiful, wonderful just the way you are.....4 years old and all!!!

I so look forward to what this year brings for you. Academically, you are going to excel. You already know your numbers, letters, shapes, how to write your name and you are even learning sight words. Socially, I enjoy watching you trust and accept other people more every day. Emotionally, I hope you accept and embrace being a 4 year old. There is so many fun things for you to do at this age! I know this year will bring you closer to God, you are so eager to learn about everything, including Him and His love for you!

Thank you Becca for being sweet wonderful you, even with your impatience about your age, you are one of the best 4 people to have ever been blessed with!! I am not sure I ever did anything good enough in the Lord's eyes to deserve you, but I go to bed nightly and thank Him for giving me you!!!!

I love you my sweet bear bear!!!! Happy birthday darling!!!!!

what I learned for $1500 please Alex......

If you know me well, you know that I often take on too much,  that I have come to live by the motto, go big or go home and that I am a recovering OCD perfectionist.

Yep, you read that right..... recovering.....

It seems all these years that I was suffering from being an OCD perfectionist.

Well, I finally got help for that.

I am no longer quite OCD or suffering from it.

I have accepted the fact that I am OCD and I have further accepted the fact, that the world is not going to come to a screeching, ending halt, if everything isn't perfect!

Yes, this bit of wisdom was shocking to me as well.

My recovery process was easy, so easy in fact that I almost didn't notice it taking place.

What you ask, aided in my recovery?

WORK AND GRAD SCHOOL!

You see when I decided to go back to school, I arrogantly thought it would not impact my life that much. I would only be giving up the hours I spent at night watching TV....I thought! When I decided to go back to work, albeit part time, I thought it would serve as dual function to make extra money and have time to do homework (because we all know a substitute is a glorified babysitter :)

I THOUGHT WRONG!!

Somewhere over the course of the last 4 months, I learned a whole lot more than just linguistics, vocabulary and webquest. I learned......

I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, not true...not even a little.

But I did learn how to juggle. I learned to ask for help and actually accept it. I learned that I can live on little sleep. I learned that I MUST HAVE COFFEE! I learned that I am stronger than I thought, that I am more organized than I thought, that I am a bigger nerd than I thought! I learned that everyone needs a schedule, but that too can be changed, forgotten and mended as needed. I learned that what truly does look like complete and total utter chaos on the outside, makes perfect sense to me, but I also learned that it making sense to me isn't enough....It has to make sense to the people in my life! I learned that my house is not ever going to be clean as long as I am in school and guess what.....it's okay (ok, maybe I am still convincing myself of this one :) I learned that my kids aren't going to be malnourished if I make them macaroni and cheese with a fruit or vegetable for dinner (come on now, you knew I would still HAVE to give them a fruit or vegetable) and in fact, they actually LOVE it and want it more often. I learned that guilt is equal parts over-rated and equal parts necessary. I learned that I could actually live without watching TV but probably (most definitely) not facebook. I learned that I love driving on the interstate for an hour with the windows down and the music loud (ok, maybe I always knew that). I learned every classroom in the world is kept at freezing cold sub zero temperatures....seriously people... is there really a need for this? I learned that I do love to read, but really, 3 books on the exact same subject may be a bit much. I learned how to enjoy my time with the kiddo's more and sneak in minutes with them, that I may have otherwise passed up. I learned that I NEED time to be just Tracy...not mommy, not Mr. Producer's wife, not my parents daughter, or even my friends friend...and I learned NOT to feel guilty about this. I learned that I need an ipad, yep, need :) I learned that the kids, the animals and even Mr. Producer won't starve, will pitch out when absolutely necessary and they do notice when I am gone and are happy to see me when I return. I learned that my mom is truly the best editor in the world, I learned that my OCD perfectionistic ways could be squelched a little, I learned that I MISS THE GYM AND RUNNING. I learned that I have to leave myself sticky notes to remember to do the checkbook. But, most important....I learned that I am surrounded by some of the most supportive, funny, best friends and family in the whole wide world!

I learned that even though I take on too much and am perfect at nothing, I am pretty decent at quite a few things, juggling and going big are a couple of them!!!!

Now, I have to go look up the definition of a mop, see if I still have 4 children (that is how many I am suppose to have, right?) and answer the demanding shrill of the checkbook and the fervent plea of the gym!