Ok, I'll admit it

I am terrified! I love Jason, he is my son and there is nothing that can be said/done/found that would even begin to change my love for him. It sucks that I have to worry and yes, I am worried. There is a part of me that says haven't I worried enough in life, haven't as for as my kids are concerned had my fair share? That sounds ungrateful and bratty at best, I know. I feel like even talking about my concerns with Jason are inviting bad things to come and I know that is ridiculous, whatever the outcome, my thoughts tonight are not going to change that! I know that be it good or bad, the only thing that can affect Jason right now is the Lord. I know this, with every ounce of my being. But, the human, mother part of me is down right scared. I think it stinks that I was a special ed. teacher and that Jason came with a twin. Normally I love that he is a twin, but I must admit at a time like this, yes, he gets compared and that the comparison is usually a manifestation of my own craziness. I admit that Jason on his own would give me no cause for concern if he was a solo child. I also admit that most of my neuroticisms about him come from being so close to losing him in the beginning. With that being said I have watched "studied" and analyzed the poor kid all day. Is he walking normal, why is he crawling, why is he drooling so much and why does it get worse when he begins to get deeply involved in playing with something. Why is he just a little crankier the last couple days than normal, can he say as many words today as he said yesterday, is his climbing/balance and other motor skills equally as good as they were yesterday, the day before or a month ago? And yes, damn it why am I fixated on this? I tell everyone and myself that I know he walks, runs, climbs and jumps (like an olympic athlete) great. I know he is smart and funny and loving and seemingly perfectly normal. I say all this and then when I am alone in the peace and quiet with my thoughts my delusion insane idiotic mind lets bad thoughts take over. I tell myself time and again "don't borrow trouble", "worrying isn't going to change the outcome" and "it's in God's hands" but because I am human and fallible, I let the doubt creep back in! I hate the ominous feeling I have about Thursday! I say I can't wait to have the MRI done and will laugh at how it is nothing but I am doing a bad job at making myself believe that! I hate that I have this pattern of obsesing on things. Whenever I am done with one obsession, be it Jim's job or money or the house, I have begun to wonder what the next one will be. I guess this is it and I gotta admit, I would rather obsess about money than my child's health. I know that I am afraid it will be bad news because I don't want my children to have to suffer and have hardships, I want them to be healthy and happy, I want them to have a great stress free childhood and I don't want bad news because I don't like change, I like things to be in my control, I like the life that I have. Then I write this stuff down and read it and realize that I sound like I am asking God for a challenge to humble me, my children, my family!!!!! But when I see those words written larger than life all I can do is ask God that Jason be fine and healthy and that if he is not He gives me the grace, strength and ability to accept his will, find the silver lining and move on. All I ask from you, anyone reading this post is to say a prayer that Jason goes into and out of sedation just fine and that the doctors have the wisdom to know what they are doing and that Jim and I have the patience and strength to make it through Thursday!

Sir K. Boy, I love you no matter the outcome. You will always be mommy's monkey boy, the blue baby, JJ bird, my velveeteen rabbit. I can't wait to see you Thursday afternoon. Just remember while you are taking your nap to have sweet dreams about you and mommy playing with your piggy bank when we get home; snuggling in my bed; swimming in the pollywog pond and playing in the creek in "Nors Lina". Jason, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God that I am your mommy. You are my sunshine! Your big smile, sloppy kisses, expressive eyes, contagious giggle and never ending cuddles make my days worth living! XOXOXOXOXOXO I love you monkey - Mommy!

As I lay me down to sleep

Wow! It can still hit you out of the clear blue. The pain that envelopes you can be overwhelming and unfathomable if you have not lived it. If you have had the experience then you know in the blink of an eye you can be sent right back to the day that you lost your child. There are no words of comfort, there are no words to express the pain you feel, the loneliness, the sadness, the shock and uncertainty, the endless questions that are never answered, the second guesses that never go away, the badge of survival you wear after years of continuing to live. While friends, family, associates, acquaintances and co-workers mean well, they have no idea. Perhaps the only person at that moment that knows how you feel is the other parent/your spouse/significant other/lover that has also just lost their child. They too have just lost their hopes, dreams, future, child. They too have just had to go from joy, excitement, anticipation to incredible grief and loss. More often than not you go home from the hospital without your baby and without anything to remember your baby bye other than the hole in your heart, tears on your cheeks and empty arms. I have been there. I have experienced all the pain, hurt, shock and despair. I have also been elated at the thought of getting pictures of my baby! The joy at the fact that the hospital had the forethought that I did not and took pictures that were meant to help us during this time, was incredible and touching. We just knew they would help and soothe. For all the feelings and kindness that went into taking the pictures, there was a HUGE lack in the physical picture taking aspect. While Jim and I were excited to get our pictures, we were equally shaken to the core at the pictures themselves. Tonight, while sitting on the couch watching TV we saw a feature on the TV about parents that lose a child at birth for any reason. One of the pieces of this feature highlighted an organization named As I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This organization is a group of professional or advanced amateur photographers that are called when an infant dies or is dying to take complimentary portraits of the baby/family for the family. Naturally, Jim and I were drawn immediately to this website. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! There are no words to express the gratitude the grieving parents feel at these gorgeous pictures. While I am pretty sure none of these photographers will ever read this blog, I can only hope and pray these small group of angels know how much their services mean. Craig Cardiff, you have nailed with amazing accuracy the depth of emotions that "lost" parents feel. Thank you!!! To all parents who have ever lost a child, we've been there and know. To Andrew, mommy and daddy never forget. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on our minds. We love you our smallest wingless angel!

To do lists

I usually make a to do list of the things that I need to accomplish that day, be it phone calls, errands, chores or even fun things such as blogging or showering. Rarely does a day go by that I do NOT accomplish everything on my list. Occasionally I make my lists things that I want to accomplish over the course of days, weeks or other specified time frames. Tonight Jim and I were talking about quotes that we like and how we are going to start writing them down on a small dry erase board. I LOVE this idea. I feel this will make us "live" it out rather than say we are going to do or think something when you see it and read it then you (or at least I am) usually much more apt to do it. Along this same lines I realized that there are days that go by that I do not accomplish something that I wanted to do with the kids, either individual or as a group. Then I got to thinking that I make these great lists everyday and yet the most important things in my life are NEVER on it. I guess I always figured that I could see them (the kids) I didn't need a list to remind me to spend time with them, that is just something I do like brushing my teeth. But, I am realizing that with 4 of them, 1 of me and a million chores that must get done during the day, maybe I need to add them to my list. Now I am not saying I will write down, give Katie a hug and kiss when she falls or change Jason's diaper or give Rebecca her medicine (although there are times I could use some gentle reminders about some of these:-) but maybe write down read Junie B. Jones to Adam or color a picture with Katie or play little people with Jason or blow bubbles with only Rebecca. Maybe I need to write down one quality time item each day to do with each kid as part of my daily to do list and this way it will definitely get done. So our phrase for tomorrow is a quote from John and Kate plus 8 "Parent with love, not with anger" and tomorrow I will read that book to Adam, color with Katie, play bubbles with Becca and lastly play little people with Jason! Yea, it may be hard to make sure I get it all done between swimming lessons, nap time, reminding Jim about vacation dates, cooking dinner and vacuuming, but I always finish my daily lists, or at least the most important things, and that they are.

Wow, I have a real kid!

Day 3 of summer vacation for my has been Kindergarten turning first grader. Wow!!!! How did that happen, I have been right here the whole time this child has been growing and I am amazed that he is so grown-up. Let me first state that I am over the top excited and happy to have my little man home with me. Furthermore, we have had so much fun these last 3 days that I hope the next 74 go VERY slow. We have only managed to go to the park and have a sleep-over so far this summer, but we have gotten the house totally organized and we managed to have a blast in the process. Everyone if ecstatic that Adam is home. Katie has her best friend, the twins have their fun big brother and I have my sweet little man to entertain me with his wonderful 6.5 year old humor. Life really couldn't be better, ok, maybe it would have been nicer if Jason hadn't pooped on the carpet floor between bath and getting dressed. No, it doesn't get better than this, ok, maybe calmer if Katie hadn't just hit her head and needs ice. Nope,definitely not better. Crap, maybe cleaner if the kids hadn't just ripped the couch cushion. Totally, no way better, damn, maybe more loving if Becca hadn't just bit Jason for the 3rd time today. This is heaven. Total heaven. Not sure if there is this much chaos in heaven, but if there isn't, don't worry we'll bring it!!! This is definitely the best time of my life. I will take the tattle-taling, fighting, biting, bruising, riping, pooping, ice needing, screaming, crying, I need a drink for the 10th time because I don't wanna nap or sleep ever crazy insanity that is my life. Thank you kids for keeping me on my toes, for giving me gray hairs and making me crazy. You guys are the best group of people out there. you make my days worth getting up for (even the very very rarely hung over one's:-). You are 4 of the 5 people I most enjoy spending time with. You are worth every second of no sleep, no social life, no fine things, no uninterrupted bathroom breaks, no quiet dinners, no peaceful cups of coffee and no morning snuggle time with daddy! I love all of you, the little kids, the big kid and the real kid!!!!
p.s. yes, I am proud that you can fart under your arm, burp your abc's, and still need me to wipe your butt and kiss your boo-boos (but don't worry I won't tell anyone the last two;-)

treadmills, reading and not my mothers body

I love my mother with all my heart. Her and I are very close. We talk on the phone daily, sometimes a couple times a day. Other than my husband, she is my best friend. I admire how she raised me, I enjoy the relationship we have, I desire her patience and cringe at her body type and lack of motivation to so anything about it. With that being said let me back up and say that until about 10 years ago, my mom had an awesome body. She was always thin with curves in just the right places. I began to gain weight (probably from dating a fat-ass, hi pot I'm kettle;) before my mother did and longed then to have her body. Now mind you, I am not obese, just fluffy. At 5'4" and 170lbs at the start of this week, it would be a true statement to say that I could stand to lose a few pounds. Furthermore, even a 110lbs soaking wet I have always had more of a J-Lo butt. The biggest problem area I have now is not my J-Lo butt, although I do probably have close to 2 of them, is my belly!!! I love my twins with all my heart and soul and thank God for them daily but the incredible growing of the stomach to accommodate them and then the ever present extra skin they left me with as a reminder of them is not something I had planned or prepared for. I guess much like them. Unfortunately, what they possess in cuteness, my road mapped jelly belly lacks. So, I am day 4 into my no carb diet and have already fallen off the wagon with pizza and beer last night and since I can't do anything half way, I had 3 pieces of pizza and 6 beers. Boy, did I feel good (thanks Julie)!!!!! Well, until my 4 angels felt like they had to wake up this morning. So, with tylenol and coffee as breakfast, although I would have loved a banana with peanut butter, I jumped back on the bandwagon with a vengeance. I have done the South beach diet before and with good results (hence the resulting pregnancy) so I know I can do it again, but..... This time around I have become more aware of the crap people put into their bodies in general and some of the low carb food is not likely to be considered real food. Let me digress again and say that I am doing low carb in place of fat free, etc because with 3 diagnosed gestation diabetic pregnancies and diagnosed PCOS, I know that my body does NOT like carbs. Not true really, my body LOVES carbs but that don't get along so well. Now back to the present, I have begun to read a book just about sugar control and guess what, it lets me still eat carbs. So, now I sit here, alone, listening to Jewel, the country version, and ponder my lifestyle eating dilemma. Do I continue on with no carbs at all for 13 more days, or do I say screw it and reintroduce fruit. Have I mentioned yet that I MISS fruit. I would give my weeks worth of grocery money for a banana or a pear right now. YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, anyway, both books make sense and I guess have the same idea's as each other. It is just the strictness of each book that I am up in the air about. Now that I have gone off track enough to be in another city lets look for the round-about and find the original story of mom. So, back in the day I loved her body, but over the last 10 years it seems that while I dumped fat-ass and all the weight that went with him, my mom seems to have found it. It is a very accurate statement that my mom and I can lose weight fairly easily with diet and exercise. And here is the biggest stumbling block of the whole blog. Where in God's name do I find the time to exercise other than laundry and dishes? UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHH! On that note I decided to join a gym that had a childcare facility, great. But, dd I mention the kids get sick every time I take them there? Yep, now I go only when I don't have to take the kids. Hehe. That might work except Jim is usually out of town 3-8 days a month and he usually isn't home before bedtime hour begins at 7pm. So, for 2 weeks I got up early and went to the gym in the morning and I felt GREAT, I missed my sleep, but I felt great. Enjoyable we got to go out of town together for 4 days to Vegas and then it took me another week to readjust to our time zone, my monthly visitor and kiddie colds and so I quite going. Now I think about setting the alarm clock for 5:15 to go to the gym and I really want to, but I can't get my fingers to flip the button to on. That brings me to the last purchase made in our home, we are the proud owners of a new (to us) treadmill. Jim is going to pick it up on Sunday and I will walk 10 thousand miles and I will walk t10 thousand more... I don't really know how the rest of the song goes... sorry! Again, I have veered off track. Last week my mom called me to come over and see if I wanted any of her clothes because she decided that she wasn't going to keep her thin clothes, if she ever got thin again then she would go buy new. What depressed me most in all of this is that those thin clothes were too big on me only 2 years ago. Now I am not sure who I am most depressed about here, myself for being such a lazy pig or my mom for being one. As I sit on her bed and watch my mom try on all these clothes that do not fit her I am hit with the realization that as much as I had loved her body 10 years ago, I hate her body now and if I can fit into the "fat" clothes I gave her 2 years ago that are now the "thin" clothes to her, where am I going to be in 2 more years? God help me, but I am praying and beginning to do anything and everything in my power to not become like my mom. Mom, if you ever read this, I love you more than anything but this is one area that I can not follow in your footsteps.
*****addendum day 6 into no carb and 3.5 lbs down.*****

Doritos, DH, growing up

There are so many times during the day that I hear or think something and want to blog on it, but of course, there are hugs to be given and lunches to be made. So, now that I have the time, there are so many things I want to say and don't now where to start. I could blog about how much I am going to miss my husband and how he is a totally wonderful husband; but everyone knows I am the happiest married of all my friends:-) I could blog about how fat I am feeling and how I HAVE to do something for me to get where I am happy and comfortable weight wise; but that would just require me to get into personal stats and promises that I am going to start keeping tomorrow. I could blog about how blessed I am, because there is no way you have 4 GREAT kids, a WONDERFUL husband and the BEST parents around and not say you are blessed; but I do not think there are words to describe enough the blessings that are showered on me and why make everyone jealous :-) I guess tonight's blogging pleasure will you bring you the tale of a little girl who still isn't sure what she wants to be when she grows up but has 38K in student loans that say what she should be. I am a teacher, I have a bachelors degree, teaching certificate, 2 nominations for teacher of the year something and really did teach or assistant teach for 13 years and loved it. It wasn't until I was no longer teaching that there are many other things I want to do when the kids all go to school and teaching is lower on the list. Ok, the list of things I wanna do include but are not limited to being a Pilates teacher (oh wait that may be a problem since we have already established that being fit is not what is going on in my life right now), Professional organizer (really is there anything better than being able to tell other people to get rid of all their crap and spending their money to put the crap they absolutely have to have somewhere;-) Volunteering at the aquarium working with dolphins (yeah it would be fun to be in a bathing suit and still be the smallest thing in the pool;-) Taking pictures (yes, I can take pictures of things other than my kids, I just usually don't want to) Professional blogger (not really getting there very quickly with only 4 posts under my belt) last but not least being a teacher (wait wasn't I just bitching about doing that?) HHMMMMMMMMMMMMM.... what is a 32 year old girl to do when she sends all the kids to school, in 4 years, and finally grows up?