Friday, June 6, 2008

treadmills, reading and not my mothers body

I love my mother with all my heart. Her and I are very close. We talk on the phone daily, sometimes a couple times a day. Other than my husband, she is my best friend. I admire how she raised me, I enjoy the relationship we have, I desire her patience and cringe at her body type and lack of motivation to so anything about it. With that being said let me back up and say that until about 10 years ago, my mom had an awesome body. She was always thin with curves in just the right places. I began to gain weight (probably from dating a fat-ass, hi pot I'm kettle;) before my mother did and longed then to have her body. Now mind you, I am not obese, just fluffy. At 5'4" and 170lbs at the start of this week, it would be a true statement to say that I could stand to lose a few pounds. Furthermore, even a 110lbs soaking wet I have always had more of a J-Lo butt. The biggest problem area I have now is not my J-Lo butt, although I do probably have close to 2 of them, is my belly!!! I love my twins with all my heart and soul and thank God for them daily but the incredible growing of the stomach to accommodate them and then the ever present extra skin they left me with as a reminder of them is not something I had planned or prepared for. I guess much like them. Unfortunately, what they possess in cuteness, my road mapped jelly belly lacks. So, I am day 4 into my no carb diet and have already fallen off the wagon with pizza and beer last night and since I can't do anything half way, I had 3 pieces of pizza and 6 beers. Boy, did I feel good (thanks Julie)!!!!! Well, until my 4 angels felt like they had to wake up this morning. So, with tylenol and coffee as breakfast, although I would have loved a banana with peanut butter, I jumped back on the bandwagon with a vengeance. I have done the South beach diet before and with good results (hence the resulting pregnancy) so I know I can do it again, but..... This time around I have become more aware of the crap people put into their bodies in general and some of the low carb food is not likely to be considered real food. Let me digress again and say that I am doing low carb in place of fat free, etc because with 3 diagnosed gestation diabetic pregnancies and diagnosed PCOS, I know that my body does NOT like carbs. Not true really, my body LOVES carbs but that don't get along so well. Now back to the present, I have begun to read a book just about sugar control and guess what, it lets me still eat carbs. So, now I sit here, alone, listening to Jewel, the country version, and ponder my lifestyle eating dilemma. Do I continue on with no carbs at all for 13 more days, or do I say screw it and reintroduce fruit. Have I mentioned yet that I MISS fruit. I would give my weeks worth of grocery money for a banana or a pear right now. YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, anyway, both books make sense and I guess have the same idea's as each other. It is just the strictness of each book that I am up in the air about. Now that I have gone off track enough to be in another city lets look for the round-about and find the original story of mom. So, back in the day I loved her body, but over the last 10 years it seems that while I dumped fat-ass and all the weight that went with him, my mom seems to have found it. It is a very accurate statement that my mom and I can lose weight fairly easily with diet and exercise. And here is the biggest stumbling block of the whole blog. Where in God's name do I find the time to exercise other than laundry and dishes? UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHH! On that note I decided to join a gym that had a childcare facility, great. But, dd I mention the kids get sick every time I take them there? Yep, now I go only when I don't have to take the kids. Hehe. That might work except Jim is usually out of town 3-8 days a month and he usually isn't home before bedtime hour begins at 7pm. So, for 2 weeks I got up early and went to the gym in the morning and I felt GREAT, I missed my sleep, but I felt great. Enjoyable we got to go out of town together for 4 days to Vegas and then it took me another week to readjust to our time zone, my monthly visitor and kiddie colds and so I quite going. Now I think about setting the alarm clock for 5:15 to go to the gym and I really want to, but I can't get my fingers to flip the button to on. That brings me to the last purchase made in our home, we are the proud owners of a new (to us) treadmill. Jim is going to pick it up on Sunday and I will walk 10 thousand miles and I will walk t10 thousand more... I don't really know how the rest of the song goes... sorry! Again, I have veered off track. Last week my mom called me to come over and see if I wanted any of her clothes because she decided that she wasn't going to keep her thin clothes, if she ever got thin again then she would go buy new. What depressed me most in all of this is that those thin clothes were too big on me only 2 years ago. Now I am not sure who I am most depressed about here, myself for being such a lazy pig or my mom for being one. As I sit on her bed and watch my mom try on all these clothes that do not fit her I am hit with the realization that as much as I had loved her body 10 years ago, I hate her body now and if I can fit into the "fat" clothes I gave her 2 years ago that are now the "thin" clothes to her, where am I going to be in 2 more years? God help me, but I am praying and beginning to do anything and everything in my power to not become like my mom. Mom, if you ever read this, I love you more than anything but this is one area that I can not follow in your footsteps.
*****addendum day 6 into no carb and 3.5 lbs down.*****

1 comment:

Mom / Nana said...

My dear sweet daughter - I was not in the least offended by this blog. I know that I need to loose weight. That being said, I wish that we could find the time to go work out together. I enjoyed that "our" time that we used to have. I do want to say, though, that I have never been happier or more blessed. I have learned the meaning of "unconditional" love and I thank God for the patience in His lessons with me. As far as you go, you are and have always been the most beautiful daughter in the world. It amazes me that I raised (with God's guidance) such an amazing daughter, wife and mother. I love you so very much and I know that you are beginning to understand that love I am speaking about. So thank you for the (gentle) reminder that I should get serious about loosing some of this weight. I love you Sweetie. Mom