Saturday, June 14, 2008

As I lay me down to sleep

Wow! It can still hit you out of the clear blue. The pain that envelopes you can be overwhelming and unfathomable if you have not lived it. If you have had the experience then you know in the blink of an eye you can be sent right back to the day that you lost your child. There are no words of comfort, there are no words to express the pain you feel, the loneliness, the sadness, the shock and uncertainty, the endless questions that are never answered, the second guesses that never go away, the badge of survival you wear after years of continuing to live. While friends, family, associates, acquaintances and co-workers mean well, they have no idea. Perhaps the only person at that moment that knows how you feel is the other parent/your spouse/significant other/lover that has also just lost their child. They too have just lost their hopes, dreams, future, child. They too have just had to go from joy, excitement, anticipation to incredible grief and loss. More often than not you go home from the hospital without your baby and without anything to remember your baby bye other than the hole in your heart, tears on your cheeks and empty arms. I have been there. I have experienced all the pain, hurt, shock and despair. I have also been elated at the thought of getting pictures of my baby! The joy at the fact that the hospital had the forethought that I did not and took pictures that were meant to help us during this time, was incredible and touching. We just knew they would help and soothe. For all the feelings and kindness that went into taking the pictures, there was a HUGE lack in the physical picture taking aspect. While Jim and I were excited to get our pictures, we were equally shaken to the core at the pictures themselves. Tonight, while sitting on the couch watching TV we saw a feature on the TV about parents that lose a child at birth for any reason. One of the pieces of this feature highlighted an organization named As I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This organization is a group of professional or advanced amateur photographers that are called when an infant dies or is dying to take complimentary portraits of the baby/family for the family. Naturally, Jim and I were drawn immediately to this website. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! There are no words to express the gratitude the grieving parents feel at these gorgeous pictures. While I am pretty sure none of these photographers will ever read this blog, I can only hope and pray these small group of angels know how much their services mean. Craig Cardiff, you have nailed with amazing accuracy the depth of emotions that "lost" parents feel. Thank you!!! To all parents who have ever lost a child, we've been there and know. To Andrew, mommy and daddy never forget. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on our minds. We love you our smallest wingless angel!

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