Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ok, I'll admit it

I am terrified! I love Jason, he is my son and there is nothing that can be said/done/found that would even begin to change my love for him. It sucks that I have to worry and yes, I am worried. There is a part of me that says haven't I worried enough in life, haven't as for as my kids are concerned had my fair share? That sounds ungrateful and bratty at best, I know. I feel like even talking about my concerns with Jason are inviting bad things to come and I know that is ridiculous, whatever the outcome, my thoughts tonight are not going to change that! I know that be it good or bad, the only thing that can affect Jason right now is the Lord. I know this, with every ounce of my being. But, the human, mother part of me is down right scared. I think it stinks that I was a special ed. teacher and that Jason came with a twin. Normally I love that he is a twin, but I must admit at a time like this, yes, he gets compared and that the comparison is usually a manifestation of my own craziness. I admit that Jason on his own would give me no cause for concern if he was a solo child. I also admit that most of my neuroticisms about him come from being so close to losing him in the beginning. With that being said I have watched "studied" and analyzed the poor kid all day. Is he walking normal, why is he crawling, why is he drooling so much and why does it get worse when he begins to get deeply involved in playing with something. Why is he just a little crankier the last couple days than normal, can he say as many words today as he said yesterday, is his climbing/balance and other motor skills equally as good as they were yesterday, the day before or a month ago? And yes, damn it why am I fixated on this? I tell everyone and myself that I know he walks, runs, climbs and jumps (like an olympic athlete) great. I know he is smart and funny and loving and seemingly perfectly normal. I say all this and then when I am alone in the peace and quiet with my thoughts my delusion insane idiotic mind lets bad thoughts take over. I tell myself time and again "don't borrow trouble", "worrying isn't going to change the outcome" and "it's in God's hands" but because I am human and fallible, I let the doubt creep back in! I hate the ominous feeling I have about Thursday! I say I can't wait to have the MRI done and will laugh at how it is nothing but I am doing a bad job at making myself believe that! I hate that I have this pattern of obsesing on things. Whenever I am done with one obsession, be it Jim's job or money or the house, I have begun to wonder what the next one will be. I guess this is it and I gotta admit, I would rather obsess about money than my child's health. I know that I am afraid it will be bad news because I don't want my children to have to suffer and have hardships, I want them to be healthy and happy, I want them to have a great stress free childhood and I don't want bad news because I don't like change, I like things to be in my control, I like the life that I have. Then I write this stuff down and read it and realize that I sound like I am asking God for a challenge to humble me, my children, my family!!!!! But when I see those words written larger than life all I can do is ask God that Jason be fine and healthy and that if he is not He gives me the grace, strength and ability to accept his will, find the silver lining and move on. All I ask from you, anyone reading this post is to say a prayer that Jason goes into and out of sedation just fine and that the doctors have the wisdom to know what they are doing and that Jim and I have the patience and strength to make it through Thursday!

Sir K. Boy, I love you no matter the outcome. You will always be mommy's monkey boy, the blue baby, JJ bird, my velveeteen rabbit. I can't wait to see you Thursday afternoon. Just remember while you are taking your nap to have sweet dreams about you and mommy playing with your piggy bank when we get home; snuggling in my bed; swimming in the pollywog pond and playing in the creek in "Nors Lina". Jason, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God that I am your mommy. You are my sunshine! Your big smile, sloppy kisses, expressive eyes, contagious giggle and never ending cuddles make my days worth living! XOXOXOXOXOXO I love you monkey - Mommy!

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