a picture worth a thousand words

I intended to leave my thoughts simply with a few words as my facebook status "It is so very easy to judge, to say what you would or wouldn't do; I'm sure some decisions may surprise other people, but until you find yourself in the exact same position, you truly have no idea!" 


Sorry, I just can't seem to let it stop there. 


The famous Duggar family, suffered a 2nd trimester miscarriage last week. The world is outraged and looking at everything this couple does as a publicity stunt. (you can read the story here)


While I do not advocate for anyone having 20 children, it is not my place to judge a family that loves and provides, without the assistance of government help, for their family. 

Your personal feelings aside on what this woman may be doing to her body, the footprint they are leaving on our environment, etc, etc. You can not deny the pain this family is experiencing in the loss of their last child!


I. WEEP. FOR. AND. WITH. THEM. 

and yes, as crazy as this may sound to you, I AM JEALOUS OF THEM.


They are the parents of a precious angel. A perfect child that shall forever watch over them and love them from heaven, resting safely in the arms of our Lord. 


So am I! 


This isn't a blessing, (and yes it is a blessing) that I would wish to any parent.




My circumstances in having my baby in heaven is slightly different than the Duggars, but no less special.


So, why you ask am I jealous? 


Because they have pictures!!!!


Yes, many people the world over are outraged and disgusted by the audacity and seemingly senselessness of Michelle Duggar and family to hand out pictures of their stillborn preterm child. 


I have never seen a more tasteful, beautiful picture in all my life!


I completely commend this family and the photographers from nowilaymedowntosleep.org for the beauty they have shown in this sweet pictures. 


I am jealous that the Duggars have a visual reminder, beautiful enough to display to the world of their angel in heaven. I am jealous that in the face of tragedy, they had time to think and prepare for a precious way to remember their angel.


You see when "tragedy" strikes, we are often left with no time to prepare. I am incredibly blessed to have had 3 hours with my precious sweet baby Andrew before he passed away, but I have blogged before, that my ONLY regret surrounding his life and death here on earth, is that I have no pictures fit for displaying. Yes, I have a picture, but it is not one I can show the world. Through a mother's eyes, I can look at his picture, a baby with such little, perfect features, and smile at how the sheer beauty and perfection God alone can create. However, most people can not look at his picture through my eyes. Yes, he was perfect, every finger and toe perfectly formed...a cute button noise, a head of black hair, a tiny, wrinkly little tummy...beautiful, long arms and legs. Perfection in its truest form! Yet, knowing this picture was taken, after he went home to be with Jesus, makes it impossible for most people to look at. I have yet to show my children here on earth, although they know and talk about their brother in heaven frequently, because well, they are simply not mature and understanding enough to appreciate and value the beauty of his picture.


Had I the time to prepare, as the Duggars did, I would have made certain to take pictures of my precious angel. Pictures of him wrapped up, snuggled in my arms, pictures of his daddy kissing his forehead, pictures of his grandparents looking at him in wonderful amazement, pictures of the priest baptizing him, pictures of mommy's tears falling on his gentle cheeks.


Yes, I would have taken pictures, yes, I would still to this day have them displayed proudly in my home. Yes, pictures to show my children of their brother.


I fully support the tastefulness, love and heartbreak in which the Duggars chose to have pictures taken to show their angel to the world, to hang on the wall of their home, to have the visual reminder, when time fads the memory, of the beauty and love they have known through their precious child, Jubilee.


May the Duggars continue to find peace in the knowledge that their sweet girl is with her heavenly father! 


HUGS!

Happy birthday little man

At 10, can I still refer to you as little man? I suppose, to me, you will always be a little man, or at least for the next few years!

10.....wow! How did this happen exactly. Double digits. I guess, officially at least, I can no longer say that I am the mother of 4 young children. Being in the double digits makes you older, more than halfway to legal adulthood.

10 years has gone by in the blink of an eye.

It seems just yesterday, I was on my way to the doctors office, praying that this would be the day that you entered into this world. Not 5 minutes into my drive, the radio begins to announce that our country is under attack, in a way that you will learn in history books, but never fully understand unless, God-forbid, tragedy like this strikes again in your lifetime. All at once, my prayers immediately change and I not only begin to pray for the families and lives affected by the horrific events occurring, but I also begin to pray, that you rest in the safety of my belly for just a little while longer. Remaining pregnant with you really was no sacrifice, I love every minute of being pregnant, and truthfully, I wanted and needed your day of birth to be a joyous occasion.

Exactly two weeks to the day later, you decide, Albert with quite a bit of coaxing and then forceful withdraw, to make your entry into this world. The video of your birth, both funny and amazing. I still cry to this day every time I watch it.

You never left my sight after you were born. You were such a precious little guy, well, not exactly little at 8lbs 1oz, but little still as only a newborn can be.

You were an absolutely perfect baby. You only cried when hungry. You were content to sleep, a lot. You were so laid back and easy going. You smiled often. You ate like crazy (still do), there was (is) nothing you don't like.

I have had the blessing of being your mother for 10 years now, and honestly sweet heart, there is nothing I would change. Sure, there have been times you have driven me crazy, all kids do, but every moment I have been blessed to parent you has been wonderful.

You are changing so much these days, growing so quickly, physically...mentally...emotionally.
Truthfully, as much as I love the young man you are becoming, I long to stop time. The changes in you coming so fast as of late, the mommy in me is having a hard time adjusting.

I thought when I let you go with your grandparents, for 5 weeks alone this summer without me, that I was giving you independence, letting you spread your wings (while under the watchful eye of those that raised me), giving you a break from being the big brother. I thought I was letting you do all these things for just 5 weeks and then I would have back my little boy.

The truth is, that I didn;t acknowledge at the time, that you needed those 5 weeks to spread your wings, but once spread, they will never go back to where they were. You will never again be my flightless bird.

We were all walking through Target a couple weeks ago. Picking out new school clothes for the girls. As we walked by the boys section, you stopped and picked out an outfit that you wanted. The style, taking me very much by surprise. You picked out a shirt, jeans, a jacket and even a hat, that I would have never thought to buy you. And ever so slightly, my heart broke.

Laying in bed that night, talking to your dad about the day, I began to tear up. Your dad looked at me in complete disbelief that I could get sad over your choice of clothing. Yes, it seems that simple. Yet my heart knows that you picking your own style of clothing is so much more.

I have always picked your clothes, never caring what you wore, really. I have always picked your style, short or jeans and a t-shirt. You have always been perfectly okay to go along with whatever I picked.

But, you are continue on to spread your wings farther. You see sweet heart, the simple act of picking your own style is the first big step in being your own person. You have developed and will continue to develop still, your own identity, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, passions, wants and needs. A simple shirt selection, reminds me that you are your own person and will be spreading your wings more and more in the years to come.

I am not ready. I am not sure a mother is ever ready, but I am certain I am not! I want to hold you at 9 forever. I want you to always have you excited that I volunteer in your classroom. I want to always know that I am the prettiest girl in your life. I want to always know that you will be my little boy. Yet, you won't be.

You now have the option of joining clubs at school, about two dozen different after school activities to choose from, and again, your choices surprised me. Yet, another opportunity that makes you the unique individual that you are.

Tonight, as I type, I can hear you in your room, having a birthday party sleep over with your friends from school. Your first real sleepover and surprise birthday party all rolled in to one. I have watched all night long as you have interacted with your friends. I am proud of the person you are. I enjoyed the moments of you acting like little kids (and yes, even the moments where you acted like obnoxious 10 year old boys, but I will never admit to that). I loved seeing the smile on your face at receiving the outfit you so badly wanted. I can not wait to see you dressed up in it. I love the fact that you still hugged me when your friends were here. I love that you feel safe enough to be who you are with us and your friends.

I know that picking a new clothing style and clubs are just the beginning of the independence you will begin to seek as you grow. I know that with every step away from me, I will be sad. I know that I can't stop time and keep you at 9. I know that someday you will drive, have a real girlfriend, move away. I know that because I cannot stop these things from happening, nor really would I want to as they are all healthy and a part of life, I will embrace them fully. I may not always like the things you do or say, I may not like your clothing styles (although, I do love your new outfit), I may not always agree with your choices....but I will always support you, accept you, encourage you, love you and hug you.

You will always be my little man, whether at 6months, 5 years or 10 years old. You will always be my little man..... I am thankful to God daily for you, you set the bar on me being a parent. You will always walk the path of being the oldest, the decisions we make, the rules and limits we set with you, will always be a first for us, and for that I am thankful. You make parenting easy and fun. You make me more proud than you will ever know.

I hope you always have the loving, kind, compassionate heart that you do today. I hope that you never lose your sense of humor (maybe the sarcasm a little bit :), your athleticism, your desire to learn. I hope this year brings you wonderful moments full of chances to grow in God, to be a kid, to have fun and yes, to learn new things. Mostly, I hope this year brings you the opportunities to still be my wonderful little man.

You will always and forever be mu little man, doodlebug, Lil cutie.

I love you my sweet, sweet Adam and hope that 10 is the best year yet!!!!!!

Now would you and your friends please go to sleep so I can?! :)

xoxoxoxoxox mommy!

Sweet Andrew

When I sit down to write the kids birthday letters every year, I usually begin to think of what I want to say days in advance. I reflect on each child individually, the growth they have made, the challenges they have faced, the changes that have occurred.

Yet, with you, there is no forethought. The words, flow out of me, often as do the tears. Tonight is no different.

11 years ago, I was blissfully pregnant; you tucked safely inside the security of my body. I was still  enjoying every moment of my regular clothes no longer fitting. Reveling in the joy of feeling you flutter. Peace within the excitement that someday I would see your face and hold your little body.

I had no idea that in 12 short days, I would have the joy and heartbreak of holding my firstborn, of kissing your skin, counting your fingers, feeling them wrapped around my hand. I had no way of knowing, the dreams I had, the plans we were making, would be cut so short. No way to prepare for the heartbreak, sadness and un-regrettable arrival you would bring to my life.

Two friends on facebook, both pregnant, with the automatic tickers that show up announcing how far along they are, the growth that is occurring to the babies they both hold safe. In the last couple days, both of them have hit the 22 week mark. I read of them putting together the cribs, the baby items, planning the baby showers. Their excitement is palpable; as it should be.

Tonight, it brings me to tears. It takes me back instantly to my own excitement and preparations for you; Planning of your baby shower, your daddy eagerly painting your nursery night after night, me constantly rubbing my belly the way pregnant mommies do, the journal writing I did to you, the talking.

And then, just as quickly, the fear that something was wrong, the motherly instinct already fully in tact, the hope that we would defy the odds, the statistics. Ever knowing as all medical advances were made to hold you inside me until you could survive safely outside the security of my belly, that they would be futile attempts. Aware, even as I laid in bed and prayed, begged, pleaded and bargained with God to let me have you just a little longer, that I would really only have you very little longer. Every flutter kick you gave, I savored, knowing by the time my head could comprehend the breaking of my heart, I would feel your kicks no more.

11 years later and I am not sure my head has ever been able to comprehend the pain my heart feels. Yet, my soul knows only peace.

I long to say that I hope these mommies see weeks 23, 33 of their pregnancies....yet does that make it seems as though I wished I hadn't had you? For even with the heartbreak, I never regret you. How could I?

So perfect, all 1.1 pounds of you. absolute perfection. one look at your perfectly formed body and I knew then, even through the heartbreak, that there was/is a God. There is no way, man on our own, is capable of making something so wonderfully delicate, perfectly beautiful and amazingly strong. Oh how my broken heart longs some days to be able to see you again, to hold you one more time, to kiss your soft skin, to hold your hands, to feel your heartbeat, to wipe away my tears at the pure innocence and beauty of you.

I could never regret the gift of your life God chose to give me. Three hours may have been all the time I was given to enjoy you in my arms, but my heart, occasionally broken and hurt that I can not hold you now, knows the love of a mother last forever.

Your life, taught me things about myself that I may have otherwise never learned. Your life, gave me your brothers and sisters. Your life, gave me strength, courage, acceptance, love and understanding.

Three short hours in my arms, a lifetime in my heart.

Yes, I hope each of those mommies celebrate 23 and 33 weeks of pregnancy. I pray each of those mommies celebrate the birth of their babies, their first birthday, the first day of kindergarten, their high school prom and everything else their unborn lives have to offer. Yes, those mommies will have their hearts broke by those babies, yes they will drive their mommies crazy, yes they will teach their mommies so much throughout their lives.

Yet, when you become a mommy, it does not matter where your child lives, heaven or earth, how long they are with you, 3hours or 83 years, or how many physical kisses they can give, a couple hundred or a million millions....when you become a mommy, all that matters is you know a love so profound, so true, so real, so deep, so without understanding, that you never regret it!

Baby Andrew, there may be tears, my life with you may not have turned out at all how I planned or thought, my heart may break again sometimes at missing you, I may long for moments I will never have with you.......but my love for you will last forever.

I love you my beautiful perfect sweet baby.....until I can hold you and kiss you again on your side of Heaven.....

hugs, kisses, and love forever.......

happy 11th birthday beautiful boy....I hope Jesus throws you a big party and gives you an extra hug from mommy.

Happy birthday Amazing girl

On June 15th 2005 at 1:30pm weighing 7lbs 14oz, this little bundle of pink entered my world and stole my heart.

On June 15th 2011 at 1:30pm weighing 45lbs, this bigger bundle of pink own my heart!

Amazing girl. Amazing girl. Amazing girl.

How did I ever get so blessed by our Father to have the privilege of raising you?

I have never seen the face of God, but I see him daily when you wrap your arms around me and say I love you mommy. I rejoice in him daily as I watch you lift your arms out and sing the newest bible song you have learned. I feel him daily when I watch you stop to pray, your prayers so sweet yet earnest and sincere. I witness daily his love and compassion for all things when I watch you in action as Amazing girl the bug catcher.

Through your eyes, I see the beauty of life. For you sweet child, the catcher of all bugs, including roaches (years from now when you read this, yes, you really did catch a roach with your bare hands to put into your bug play ground to play so mommy didn't kill it) see the value of life in everything. You, dear tomboy, my I-want-to-wear-a-dress-while-I-am-catching-bugs girl, are the first to see, save, love and animal God put on this earth (including the 135lb boa constrictor we saw a few weeks ago). You my sweet future tree hugger, despise litter, you will stop no matter where we are and start to pick it up. Sometimes this is troublesome, for the time it takes and the germs your OCD mother knows you are touching. But, above all, this is beyond fantastic! You have such a caring, concerned heart for all that is in this world. You darling love, take the time, that I so often rush through, to see the beauty in this world; in people, in nature, in love.

You are now officially a 1st grader. WOW! You grew so much this year. You started Kindergarten knowing all your letters and numbers, being social and personable. You ended this school year, reading at a 1st grade level, loving to write (hmm, where so you get that I wonder:) and read, and being more social and personable.You love school, every part of it (except for rest time :) and the teacher in me is delighted! You love your sisters and brothers, your relationship with them growing stronger every day from that of forced sibling to honest friends. You love to be active. You love to mimic mommy (yes, this scares me so). You are constantly helping and encouraging others through your words, actions, drawings and doing.

I have enjoyed watching so many changes in you this year. But the one I have loved the most, is watching your hunger for learning and loving God grow daily!

Everything about you dear Amazing girl is honest, true, genuine, giving, loving, fun, laughing and enjoying. I pray these qualities within you never change!!!!

As you turn 6 today, my independent (but still want and need mommy time and hugs) big girl, know that 6 years ago today was one of the happiest moments of my life. When they handed you to me and you looked up at me as if to say, ok, so this you huh mom? I've been wondering what you looked like, now feed me! I thought for sure I could never be happier or love you more....

I was wrong....I love you one hundred and one, 20 thousand, 5, 23, 9 to heaven, earth and back again!

Happy birthday baby girl, I love you!!!!!

letting go

Somewhere in Georgia, you are sitting in the back seat of the van, probably sleeping right now.

Are you dreaming of mountains...your cousin...New York City...the creek...your brother, sister, daddy or me?

Have you cried? laughed? been sad? bored? or just plain full of excitement?

Letting go..........

You hugged me forever this morning, cuddled up on Nana's couch. All 4 feet plus of you, snuggled in my lap. I made jokes, I cried, I whispered to you, I wondered if I was holding on for too long, but you didn't make a move to be let go, so I held on longer still.

You gave me lots of hugs and kisses by the car...but not nearly enough to fill 5 weeks worth.

It was weird to go pick up your brother and sisters from VBS without picking you up too and tousling your hair because you are too old to be kissed in public.

I miss you like crazy already my sweet precious almost 10 year old little man.

You will have the time of your life this summer, an experience that I would never think to deny you, even as my heart breaks from missing you, my arms long to hold you and I sit crying at the keyboard.

I do not worry for you, that is not the reason for my tears, for I know that our father God will keep you safe and protected, he sees you when I can not.

I know you will be wonderfully cared for and greatly loved, for the ones that enjoy your days right now are the same that raised me.

I know that you will meet cousins you never have, make memories to last a lifetime, visit places I have never been, continue and grow the relationship you have with your Nana and Papa.

I know that you will sometimes get homesick. I know that you will text me and call me lots, you already have. I know that you will grow this summer. I know that you will have more fun than either of us can imagine. I know that you are spreading your wings.

I couldn't ask for a better opportunity for your first time away from home. I am so eternally grateful that you are spreading your wings with family that love and cherish you almost as much as I.

I knew being a parent would be lesson in letting go, in loving, in having faith. I knew it would be hard, the greatest, bestest, most wonderful things in life, often are.

There are 37 days, roughly 900 hours or 53880 minutes until I can hug you again.

Sweet boy, growing daily, don't grow too much this summer. Don't change too much. Don't miss me too much. Don't enjoy the peace and quiet of no sibling squabbles too much.

I will miss our summer baseball watching together curled up on my bed at night. I will miss your laughing. I will miss watching you play trains with your brother. I will miss your sarcasm, so like mine, even if inappropriate sometimes. I will miss sneaking frappe's. I will miss have my front seat passenger. I will miss watching you read, blog, journal, watching TV.

Yet, when I see you again, these things will be so much sweeter. You will not mind the sound of bickering siblings, you will not mind me kissing you in public, you will not mind the annoyances of pesky brother and sisters, you will not mind being called lil cutie.

Adam, this is a new chapter in your book of life, one that will be filled with so many fun times. The memories you will make, the family you will meet, the places you will go. Enjoy every second. Journal often so you remember everything (to tell me and to look back on years from now). Take lots of pictures. Be safe. Have fun. Laugh a lot. Call me often. Text me even more often.

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU BUNCHES ALREADY LIL CUTIE!!!!!

Remember, start shopping for my birthday present now, I want a good one :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When you walk the dogs at night with Nana, remember the moon smiling down on you is also smiling down on us.

I LOVE YOU DOODLEBUG, see you in 35 more days,

Mommy bug

happily sad

It's the end of the school year. A time I usually look forward to, being the mom that loves having her babies home for the summer in spite of or perhaps because they drive me crazy. I like knowing what they are doing all day, hearing their laughter, watching them learn, explore, grow and play. I know this time with them is limited. The chance to just be a kid, to have no where to be at a certain time every time, to play in the rain, to enjoy life. I know the opportunities to do these things with them goes away with every passing day as they grow. I know that some day, they will want more than the simple pleasures of riding their bikes all morning, taking a nap, relaxing in front of the TV, and playing in a 2 foot pool. So, with warm weather and ample trips to the beach, summer brings with it the chance for even mommy to be a kid again. A chance for me to slow down and enjoy life in its simplest, innocent form, to look forward to a rain storm just for the chance to play in it.

I have always loved the elementary school my kids have gone to. They, and I, have made some wonderful friends, some great memories and fantastic opportunities. I am blessed they are part of many activities within their schools, that they are accepted and loved for who they are, that they are encouraged to grow and learn.

Today, the last day that my kids will go to their elementary school is met with sadness that overshadows the happy of them starting summer vacation.

The choice to withdraw them from their current school was not one I made lightly. It wasn't an easy decision, it is one that I prayed over. The choice to withdraw them from a place that has been loving and accepting was done only with the best intent for their future.

For as much as I love their school, the very school system within they attend and I work, leaves something to be desired.

It is this desire that led me to withdraw them from their school and place enroll them starting next year in a new school. Yes, this new school is in the same system, however, it is a charter school. A charter school differs from a public school in the fact that a charter school is more directly parentally involved, students have to apply and be chosen to attend, their discipline is stricter. They are a public school, with accountability reported to the stater and funding provided by the state in addition to local businesses. They are much like a non religious private school but without the tuition.

If I only had 1 child I may never have pulled them out of their currently elementary school but when you take in to account all 4 personalities, this was the right choice for all of them.

But, even knowing you made what you think is the right choice, is still hard sometimes. I walked away from the kids school today with tears on my face and a sadness in my heart. I will desperately miss some of the people at their school. I know the kids will miss many friends they have made. We will all miss people that have impacted all our lives. Yes, some of these people we will remain life long friends with. Some of the friends we have made are even transferring school with us. But some people, current friends, will fade away with the passing of time, looked back on lovingly as people that have made a difference in our lives.

I understand that throughout our lives we will always have friends come and go, this is a lesson kids learn young on the playground. Sometimes it is even necessary and desired to allow some friends to fade from our lives. But, I hope those friends that fade away with time, know how special they were and are. Just as I hope the kids and their former school know that there is no place else I would have wanted as our 1st school experience and I look back on our 4 years there with great pride and wonderful happy memories!!!

Now, bring on the rain, naps, late nights, no schedule, sleeping late, ice cream eating, beach and pool playing days of summer :)

Mini-mommy

The other night, after Mr. Producer and I ran a 10K, we were talking with the fab 4 about running. We asked Little Man if he would run a 5K with us and of course he responded with a "yes" and the "well duh" look (you know, since he has run a 1 mile race and placed 20th :)

We then turned to Amazing Girl, who at almost 6 just gets more amazing everyday, (but I'll save that for her birthday blog in a couple weeks) and asked if she thought she could run a 5K. Here is the conversation, with included hand gestures.

Mr. Producer: Amazing girl (because you know I refer to my kids in real life with their virtual name :) do you think you could run a 5K

Amazing girl: Of course.......shrugs, well, how far is that?

Me: Probably from here to Nana's

Amazing girl: That's not far (insert look of "Mommy/daddy you are such silly creatures)

Mr. Producer: So, you think you could do it?

Amazing girl: (Hands open in the air about shoulder height and big smile yet total seriousness on her face) Uh ya, I am a mini mommy you know!

Me: LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH

Amazing girl: runs over and gives mommy kisses!!!!!! :)

Man I love that girl. Her natural humor and beauty and sweetness brighten my day!

So, laying in bed later that night, unable to sleep as usual, I began to think of my Amazing Girl. Her comment that she is a mini-mommy, while complimentary and flattering was also terrifying and thought provoking. A couple weeks back, she was in the local paper as student of the week. The last question the interviewer asked was what she wanted to be when she grew up? Without any hesitation at all, her response was......a mommy. As a parent, you are aware daily that your children watch you, this is no secret or mystery. But all these mommy comments from Amazing Girl led me to lay there and reflect upon the mommy traits that I am instilling in her ever present watchful eyes.

Am I the mommy I want my daughters to grow up and be? N.O.!!!!!!!!

In the dark, the images flash through my head, of all the times I have been undeservedly short tempered with my babies. All the moments I have put them on hold for reasons so very unimportant. All the moments I may have missed where their behavior is screaming out for a hug and kiss and attention.

Oh mini-mommy, I do so hope you grow up and become a mommy.....I hope you learn well and watch from me only the good things. Yet, I know that you won't. I know that you will see the times, where in my human state, I leave much to be desired. I know you will witness the times of my deepest imperfections, I know you will see me falter and fail, you will see me cry in frustration, you will hear me raise my voice in anger, you will see me exhausted and in need of a mommy time out, you will see me rashly dole out a punishment, you will God willing, watch me make mistakes.

Yet throughout these imperfections and human errors, I hope your ever vigilant eyes see so much more. I hope they witness me apologize, which should be more often I am certain. I hope you see more the tears I cry of joy that God choose me to raise you four. I hope you hear more laughter than reprimand, more kindness than hostility, more laughter than exhaustion. I hope you notice many many many more hugs and kisses than spankings. I hope you see the pride in my eyes at the joyful child you are. I hope you notice the wonder of amazement as I marvel at the person you are. I hope, dear mini-mommy that you notice mostly the love.

For through the exhaustion, the bad moods, the errors, there is so much more love than you will ever know until you hold your own child in your arms.

Until the day, you become a full blown mommy, I hope you know, understand and accept that your mommy is completely imperfect, has no guide book, makes constant mistakes, yet is so very thankful everyday that she is privileged enough to be called mommy by you!

I love you completely, totally, without condition my beautiful, wonderful Mini-mommy Amazing Girl!

Baby A...a teenage 4 year old

Happy Birthday Baby A.

Hard to imagine that you are already or is it only 4?

The first to grow and develop, to secure yourself a spot within the dark cave of my belly. The first to let us know what your gender was. The one ultimately in charge of when you would be born.

Right from the start you have always taken charge. You are not one to sit back and wait to see what happens....hmmm, I haven't figured out yet where you get that from ;) 

You are in such a hurry to grow up, often saying you will be 5, 8 or even 11 on your next birthday! You have the innocence of a 4 year old and often the attitude of a 14 year old!

Oh Baby A.....you make me laugh so much. You are so fun. You make parenting easy and enjoyable. You have such a warm, maternal heart. You are empathetic, compassionate, giving, loving, intuitive and caring, yet stubborn and bossy when you want or need to be. You are cautious and shy, yet when you let someone in, it is usually for life. You are typically drawn more towards adults or older children than you are kids your own age. Yet, you know your twin completes you. You are usually the 1st one with a big hug, kiss and I love you, just because you want or feel the other person needs it. You are definitely a leader not a follower and often have a hard time adjusting when things don't go exactly your way, yet you are eager to please people and get saddened when you make someone mad or disappointed with you.

Yep, you are definitely the one most like me!

Even your very name means servant of God! That is so true for you. You have such a serving heart, you are most happy when you are doing for others. You are strong and independent, yet you enjoy being loved and wanted, cuddled and kissed.

Your laugh is so infectious and you come up with the most amazing sayings! You love to giggle and smile. You are happiest playing the Wii, the computer, riding your bike, reading a book or just talking!

This past year of your life, you have really asserted your independence and strength and sometimes you get very frustrated when you need help with things.

Oh sweet baby girl, all of these traits will serve you so well later in life. You will be an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend! You are already an amazing daughter, the perfect sister.

You have the best relationships with all your siblings. You embrace and need your twin time with Jason, you cherish your girl time with Katie and you adore your big brother time with Adam.

Little Momma.....slow down! Enjoy this year of being 4. It will only happen once. You are growing and maturing everyday, convinced if you try hard enough, you can will yourself to be as big as Katie. SLOW DOWN! You are perfect, beautiful, wonderful just the way you are.....4 years old and all!!!

I so look forward to what this year brings for you. Academically, you are going to excel. You already know your numbers, letters, shapes, how to write your name and you are even learning sight words. Socially, I enjoy watching you trust and accept other people more every day. Emotionally, I hope you accept and embrace being a 4 year old. There is so many fun things for you to do at this age! I know this year will bring you closer to God, you are so eager to learn about everything, including Him and His love for you!

Thank you Becca for being sweet wonderful you, even with your impatience about your age, you are one of the best 4 people to have ever been blessed with!! I am not sure I ever did anything good enough in the Lord's eyes to deserve you, but I go to bed nightly and thank Him for giving me you!!!!

I love you my sweet bear bear!!!! Happy birthday darling!!!!!

what I learned for $1500 please Alex......

If you know me well, you know that I often take on too much,  that I have come to live by the motto, go big or go home and that I am a recovering OCD perfectionist.

Yep, you read that right..... recovering.....

It seems all these years that I was suffering from being an OCD perfectionist.

Well, I finally got help for that.

I am no longer quite OCD or suffering from it.

I have accepted the fact that I am OCD and I have further accepted the fact, that the world is not going to come to a screeching, ending halt, if everything isn't perfect!

Yes, this bit of wisdom was shocking to me as well.

My recovery process was easy, so easy in fact that I almost didn't notice it taking place.

What you ask, aided in my recovery?

WORK AND GRAD SCHOOL!

You see when I decided to go back to school, I arrogantly thought it would not impact my life that much. I would only be giving up the hours I spent at night watching TV....I thought! When I decided to go back to work, albeit part time, I thought it would serve as dual function to make extra money and have time to do homework (because we all know a substitute is a glorified babysitter :)

I THOUGHT WRONG!!

Somewhere over the course of the last 4 months, I learned a whole lot more than just linguistics, vocabulary and webquest. I learned......

I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, not true...not even a little.

But I did learn how to juggle. I learned to ask for help and actually accept it. I learned that I can live on little sleep. I learned that I MUST HAVE COFFEE! I learned that I am stronger than I thought, that I am more organized than I thought, that I am a bigger nerd than I thought! I learned that everyone needs a schedule, but that too can be changed, forgotten and mended as needed. I learned that what truly does look like complete and total utter chaos on the outside, makes perfect sense to me, but I also learned that it making sense to me isn't enough....It has to make sense to the people in my life! I learned that my house is not ever going to be clean as long as I am in school and guess what.....it's okay (ok, maybe I am still convincing myself of this one :) I learned that my kids aren't going to be malnourished if I make them macaroni and cheese with a fruit or vegetable for dinner (come on now, you knew I would still HAVE to give them a fruit or vegetable) and in fact, they actually LOVE it and want it more often. I learned that guilt is equal parts over-rated and equal parts necessary. I learned that I could actually live without watching TV but probably (most definitely) not facebook. I learned that I love driving on the interstate for an hour with the windows down and the music loud (ok, maybe I always knew that). I learned every classroom in the world is kept at freezing cold sub zero temperatures....seriously people... is there really a need for this? I learned that I do love to read, but really, 3 books on the exact same subject may be a bit much. I learned how to enjoy my time with the kiddo's more and sneak in minutes with them, that I may have otherwise passed up. I learned that I NEED time to be just Tracy...not mommy, not Mr. Producer's wife, not my parents daughter, or even my friends friend...and I learned NOT to feel guilty about this. I learned that I need an ipad, yep, need :) I learned that the kids, the animals and even Mr. Producer won't starve, will pitch out when absolutely necessary and they do notice when I am gone and are happy to see me when I return. I learned that my mom is truly the best editor in the world, I learned that my OCD perfectionistic ways could be squelched a little, I learned that I MISS THE GYM AND RUNNING. I learned that I have to leave myself sticky notes to remember to do the checkbook. But, most important....I learned that I am surrounded by some of the most supportive, funny, best friends and family in the whole wide world!

I learned that even though I take on too much and am perfect at nothing, I am pretty decent at quite a few things, juggling and going big are a couple of them!!!!

Now, I have to go look up the definition of a mop, see if I still have 4 children (that is how many I am suppose to have, right?) and answer the demanding shrill of the checkbook and the fervent plea of the gym!

Giveaway

So, I teased a giveaway on facebook when funchaosx4 reached 100+ fans. Leave it to Mr. Producer to point out the obvious, "hun, you do know you actually have to have something to give away don't you?" Well, that got me to thinking.....what do I have that I could give away?

I'll let the random winner choose...........Your choices include, but may not be limited to..........

6 chickens
1 cute puppy
1 old cat
4 randomly kind, wonderful, funny, needing lots of reminders to clean up after themselves, kids
1 equally needing reminders for life in general husband
millions of gray hairs (caused by the aforementioned  cute life sucking vultures beings
10 extra pounds (only 9 years old :)
sleepless nights
thousands of dollars in college loans
obscene amounts of dust and dirt
hundreds of loads of yearly laundry
miles of crumb trails
never ending puddles of spills
frequent tears
1 well used spanking stick
antiquated, useless, work when it wants to, computer
TONS of endless sarcasm and jokes......

or you could simply accept my never ending love, gratefulness (and maybe a $15 gift card to a store of your choice ;)

Sick: the pros

The last 2 days have found mommy chaos so sick in bed she barely knows her own name. Yet, laying here I have come to realize there are some pros to being sick, both from mommys viewpoint and the kids.

Here's the kids:
1. We get to do whatever we want because daddy is working, mommy is too sick to move and its too early to call nana.
2. Nana comes and gets us, as we are eating our 4th bowl of sugar (otherwise known as choc chip cookie cereal, which mommy usually reserves as a treat)
3. Nana takes us out to... lunch, the park, the pet store, then dinner at chuck e cheese.
4. We get to spend the night at nana and papas where we get to stay up late watching home movies of mommy as a kid.
5. Back in daddys care the next day.
6. We get to go to Target, Burger King for lunch, sports authority, ride bikes and have ice cream for dinner.

Ya, mommy is pretty sure the kids are not missing me and in fact are possibly hoping I never get better. (Except I did overhear Amazing girl ask if I really was ok and going to get better...and I have heard whining because they can't hug or kiss me :)

Mommys pros:

1. Inability to think....about anything (like housrowrk and homework and running that needs done)!
2. Reminder just how wonderful my mother is...not only does she take the kids, she also takes the dog, gives me medicine or calls and tells me its time for medicine, and I think even did a load of laundry.
3. Lost 3lbs so far, apparently with a 101.5 fever my body is just burning away the fat and my brain, hence #1.
4. Sleep...I get lots and lots of sleep. I have probably slept more in the last 2 days than in the last 2 months!
5. Time alone! Lots of time alone.
6. The ability to still win at scrabble even though my brain is frying....sorry guys :)
7. The reminder at how much everyone loves me. They love me so much that no one wants to come near me (even mr. Producer slept in a different bedroom last night) because they know how horrible I will feel if any of them gets this!
8. Feeling the joy at accomplishing the most major of tasks...just brushing my teeth!
9. And my man bringing me whatever food I want, from whereever I want! Thank you honey!

Aaah...the joys of being sick! Now if only I actually felt good enough to enjoy all of this :)

The only con that I can see aside from feeling like I am dying, because the truth is, I really do feel like I am dying.....is not being able to hug, kiss, hold & cuddle with my babies or their daddy!

Ok world....If I write anymore, the germs may seep through my phone, into your computer and get you sick. So I am taking my germs and going back to sleep....love you all!

Thanks to my parents, mr. Producer and my smartphone for being here for me!

Happy Birthday Twins

I said from the time you both born that God must love me more than anyone else because he gave me twins..

I still feel that way today...4 exciting, challenging, loving, wonderful years later....

Pictures from the days when you weren't so active and I could take them!!!!




33.5 weeks pregnant



delivery day

Here we are



Even the NICU can't keep us apart




1st birthday




twin time with daddy




happy 1st birthday




sand...water....life is great




hehehe




we love chocolate cake




baby bath time




cute baby bottoms




AWWWWW




sleeping buddies




still close




goobers





just because I love this pic





my favorite JJ face



cuties



A funchaos requirement....dancing in the rain



All 4 of my sweet babies



Thank you for 4 great years!!!!! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

Happy 4th birthday baby B

The initial ultrasound showed 2 babies. 1 developed at 6 days more advanced than the other. The warning given that Baby B may not continue to develop.

You fought to prove them wrong.

You grew more slowly at first, always a few days behind, watching Baby A then to see how it was done. When you decided to grow, you went from 4 days behind to an exact match.

You fought then to catch up.

Not as close to the surface of my ever growing belly, sometimes your movements went unnoticed.

You fought then to be felt.

Baby A, making her will know that she would decide when delivery day would come. She came out first, with a scream, letting the world know she had arrived.

You fought then to stay in.

Out you came, Baby B....crying loudly..., mad, that your quiet peaceful, dark, cozy world had been invaded. You weighed more and screamed louder.

You fought then to be noticed.

So busy screaming, crying, and even peeing in protest as they removed you from your comfortable confines, you wouldn't be bothered with doing things their way. Instead wanting to breath too quickly, swallowing fluid.

You fought then to forge your own way.

Impulsive even at birth, you could not know the dangers your simple actions would cause. From screaming to blue and hardly breathing within seconds.

You fought then to set your own way unaware of the risks.

12 long days of an ICU stay, 2 really bad days of not being sure you would stay with us.

You fought then to come home and be loved.

Your vitals sketchy, your restlessness having to be matched by sedation for your own good. Your twin sister placed with you and you immediately calm down.

You fought then for the time to spend with your twin.

You never cried when they poked and prodded, your only cry from being hungry or left unattended to long.

You fought then to be feed and loved.

You perfected your charm and cuteness in that ICU bed.

you fought then to stand out.

Daily worry, prayers and wonder at what you would do, how you would be, when you would come home.

You fought then to win title of "I gave mommy her gray hairs"

We brought you home. So excited, so loved, so ready to make our family complete by having all 4 of you under the same roof. Safe, now healthy and completely loved and smitten.

You only fought then very occasionally for some alone time with mommy and lots of twin time with your sister.


All the traits you displayed in the 1st 2 weeks of your little life have never changed, even today.

You are laid back, charismatic, cute, charming, snuggly, loving, funny and a fighter. You fight only for the things you want most in life. More than willing to let others lead the way, have the attention. You take silent risks, you are spontaneous and impulsive. You are fast and active. You live by the motto that it is better to apologize than ask for permission. You are and happy to accept your place in life at being the baby. You watch as others forge ahead and make mistakes and then you try with almost perfection......when you and you alone are ready!

I knew from birth Baby B that you would be content to be in the shadows of the 4 but would shine in your own way! And boy do you shine!!!!

JJ.... You are all boy, your love of cars, trucks, planes, dirt, trains, balls, busyness!!! You are content to play by yourself but if quiet for too long, well mommy better come check ;) You push the envelope and sometimes my buttons with you impulsiveness and mischievousness. Yet, you have a kind, loving, giving soul. You see the beauty and importance of every animal and person. You make me think of new ways to parent, always keeping me on my toes. Yet, you are the 1st one to cuddle, hug and kiss!

I am glad you are a fighter! I love you more than you will ever know until you become a father yourself. I will perhaps always worry about you more than the others. You may get reprimanded more than the others. You may give me more gray hairs than the others. But, that's okay, because I just may love you more than the others!!!!

I love you birthday boy. They last 4 years have been the best of my life because I have you to call my son.

Happy Valentines Day, I love you, blah blah blah.......

I am romantic.
I love chocolate.
I love flowers (not necessarily roses as they die too quickly).
I have a favorite perfume (that I am currently out of and would love some more of).
I love getting a card.
I have a great husband.

But.... I THINK VALENTINES DAY IS HIGHLY OVER-RATED!!!!

Yes, I understand it has historical significance. Yes, I understand it has its place in love and
why.

But still..... I THINK V.D. IS HIGHLY OVER-RATED!!!!!

I think it has become a set date on the calendar, commercially mass marketed by card, chocolate, florist and jewelry companies to make people feel like they love their significant others less if they do not spend a car payments worth of money on proving that love!!!!

Really, Mr. Producer has in the past done special things on this day, and yes, I love them. But, I love a card in March on a Wednesday, left in my car to find in the hustle of getting the kids to school or left in my work/school bag for me to find in the craziness of the day, EVEN MORE!

Mr. Producer has long since learned the best way to my heart are the things that are going to last a lot longer than a day or week. 2 years ago, he gave me chickens, you can recall the love and excitement here. Last year he told me we could have our sweet puppy Bella, read here.

Yes, I want to know that Mr. Producer thinks I am the best girl in the world. That he cherishes me, that he loves me the most. Yes, I want him to dance with me in the living room, sit out by the firepit with me, a glass of wine, just talking and unwinding. Yes, I want him to give me cards and flowers and chocolate. Yes, I want to be special..........

EVERYDAY.....Not just on one specific day set aside on the calendar!!!!!

So, today will come and go with cards,I love you's, chocolate covered strawberries. But today will also include time for my little loves....making homemade cookies, cooking their favorite dinner, playing a board game together and snuggling on the couch watching TV. Today will also include doing the dishes, cooking dinner, putting away the laundry, doing the checkbook.....So, you want to romance me, come on over and pitch into some housework, NOW THAT'S MY VERSION OF ROMANCE....someone else doing the checkbook or dishes or laundry....

Sorry folks, that's as romantic as I get today.......

So HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, I LOVE YOU, NOW PUT AWAY SOME LAUNDRY, WOULD YA? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Jesus...where are you?

For Easter a couple years ago, the dollar store had action figures plastic figurines of  various Bible characters, Jesus being on of them. Needless to say, the Easter Bunny thought they would be the perfect additions to the kids Easter basket. I only remember that Little Momma specifically got Jesus. For a long time she would say, and we would grin, "Where's Jesus? I lost my Jesus!" Jesus went everywhere with us and even slept in bed with Little Momma. After a while, Jesus was occassionally left beyond, never forgotten but not played with as often. Anyway, Jesus has made his was into the bathroom, where the kids frequently baptise him.

Tonight (I may have forgotten to let the water out of the tub) after bathtime, Little Momma goes into the bathroom, where I have just pulled the plug on the bathtub and comes out and asks about Jesus....This is the transcript of the conversation:

LM: Mom, where's my Jesus, I don't see him in the bathtub?
Me: Becca, I am sure he is there, let's go check
Walking into the bathroom, me grinning
I start to sort through the myriad of toys in the tub.
Me: LM, I can't find Jesus.
LM: But I need him, he's losed.
Me: Sweetie, Jesus is white and there are still a lot of bubbles in the tub, I can't find him.
LM: But I have to have my Jesus
Me: Honey, we will find Jesus tomorrow
LM: I want him tonight.
Me: I can't find him tonight, I am sure he is in the tub toy holder somewhere.
LM: But you will find him tomorrow, right?
Me: Yes, honey I will find Jesus tomorrow.
LM: Promise?
Me: Yes
LM: Okay, we will both be so happy when you find Jesus tomorrow

Out of the mouth of babes!!!!!!! I love her and her love for Jesus and hope that as she grows, she continues to search for Jesus and love him, the real Jesus, as much as she loves her Jesus today!!!

about to offend some of you I fear

If you know me at all, you know that I try VERY hard to not be judgemental. This doesn't mean that I never am! Believe me!!!! I have opinions, just like the rest of you! However, I have learned in life, that the things I have always said I would never do, I probably have. The situations I swore I would never be in, I have. The thoughts and idea's I said I would never believe, I have or may. I just find that it is not my place to judge. I am not qualified to say why a person is where they are, what they should do about it. I have thankfully, never been called for jury duty! I am no one's judge. I leave that to a higher power. Someday we will all be judged by someone who knows every breath we have every taken. Until then, it is simply my place to either accept you for who you are or politely decline to have you in my life.

I didn't always feel this way. The "power" of youth giving me free luxury to think I owned the world and had the right to dispel my thoughts, beliefs and idea's on those around me. Like most "kids" I thought I knew the answer to all the problems in the world, why they were there and how to solve them.

Then, thankfully,  I grew up and realized how dreadfully wrong I was.

With all this being said....I have watched my facebook status' updates from various friends and family fill up with various opinions on the tragedy that took place close to home today.

I have seen compassion, sympathy and yep, hatred.

Soapbox level 1........Now, let me stop right here and say..... One of my absolute closest friends is a cop. Additionally, I have many other friends who have spouses that are also in or want to be in Law Enforcement in some fashion. So let me tell you, I am grateful each day of my life for the job they do! It is certainly not a profession that you get into without realizing the risks and not one that any of them choose lightly to be sure. And definitely not one that I would chose (I'm afraid of getting hurt or being yelled at ;)

I am beyond saddened for the families left behind of the fallen police officers today. They are hero's!

Yes, THEY ARE HERO'S! I recognize, understand and accept that it is their job. They took an oath to serve and protect ordinary people with the risk and understanding that some day their badge number could be retired WAY to early. I understand that when they kiss their spouses and kids goodbye or hang up the phone with a friend, that in the blink of an eye, an ordinary night could become their last! They do, on some level, have routine nights and jobs. I also know, that they choose this profession, again, knowing the risks. So, before you say, well they are not really hero's...its part of their job....Let me say this.....EVERY job has risks!!!!! If you think they don't you are wrong! A secretary, while unlikely, could not come home from work at night because someone unbalanced came into their work place full of anger. A routine factory worker could be at the wrong place when a piece of equipment malfunctions. A teacher or teaching assistant could walk into a classroom (unaware) with a student already fueled by anger and in a millisecond have a student holding her by the throat with a pair of scissors at her neck (yep, true story and it did happen to me). A nurse, even with precautions could get poked by the very needle they just used in an HIV patient. Even Mr. Producer has risks with all the airplanes and helicopters he flies in. So make NO MISTAKE....every job has risks. A police officer, fireman, nurse, whatever, know and accept those risks. Yet they can not and do not dwell on them. They do not (usually) choose their profession or deny what they have been called to do because of those risks. They are just people like you and I doing a job they love! With what is usually the very rare chance that something may actually happen to them. The same with their families. It is a risk to be the spouse of someone, regardless of their job! It is a part of loving and accepting a person for who they are AND what they do!!!!!

What happened today, with the death of 2 law enforcement officers, injury of another and subsequent death of the convicted felon in question....is terrible!!!!!! I do NOT condone death! It will always leave families without a precious person in their life!

With soapbox level 1 you should have guessed how saddened I am by the death of these officers!

Soapbox level 2...... As despicable as the convicted felon in question is, and believe me, he had done some things that are beyond imaginable and almost unforgivable, he was still a human being.

***NOW PLEASE KEEP READING BEFORE YOU SEND ME HATE MAIL OR QUIT READING***

I can not find sympathy in me for the death of this man, in and of this man himself. But, let us remember, that this man was someones son, husband, friend. Yes, you could question the parenting that lead him to become the person he was, or you could simply accept that many serial killers were raised in great homes, with loving parents and that we ALL choose the decisions we make!!!!! Yes, you could questions the type of person that would marry or befriend such an individual or you could simply say that, you would politely decline to accept a person who makes those types of decisions in YOUR life.

Again, please understand, I do not condone what this man did. I find most decisions he has made in his life deplorable and beyond my understanding. Yet, he was a person.

Furthermore, I will admit, that while I do not condone death or killing, I am thankful that my tax dollars will not be used to defend and provide for this man that would have died anyway, perhaps years later in prison. I am thankful, that the families of the fallen officers have closure and do not have to sit through months and years of heartbreaking trial. I am not saddened that this man has gone to his eternal resting place.

Soap box 3.... I am however, saddened by the hatred that some have spread today. A few people that I know posted things that were hateful and 1 of them even sent me a beautiful email of apology BEFORE they knew I was going to get on my soapbox,, just simply because they felt bad by saying things they did not believe in and knew that I didn't believe in! (You know who you are, and I was surprised by your email to me, yet proud to call you friend and family that you actually went out of your way to apologize, as I knew you did not have that kind of feelings within you in general).  I KNOW that a hateful situation often brings out hateful feelings in people. That is only human nature! I would be lying if I didn't admit to a moment of hatred myself for what this felon did today and the lives and families he tore apart. Yet, PLEASE stop for a moment friends and family and realize that when you verbally share those feelings of hatred, with even your spouse, let alone a whole public social forum, then you are A) spreading and encouraging those thoughts of hatred and B) giving the person who stirred the hatred more recognition and glamour than they should ever have.
Please think for a moment, that every war, every murder, every hurt, every bombing has been caused by hatred. Granted, your simple rambling on a page where only 100 or so people can read it, all that share your same views mostly, probably won't start a war or bombing or murder....BUT all of these things do have something in common. Of course, you will hate the situation, most people would and do. And yes, you may hate the person that caused it.....yet, sharing the hate only encourages it....some feelings may just be better left in your own head and heart!

side note..... one of the greatest mysteries to me is how people who do not believe in abortion can justify blowing up the clinic thus killing everyone inside??!!!!!!

So, I hope that all my friends, while saddened and maybe even hateful of today's event, don't continue to encourage the hatred by sharing it with others!!!!!

Soapbox out........

To all LEO the world over, thank you! To all my friends and family, I love you! To the families of the fallen officers involved in today's tragedy, my deepest sympathize, prayers and thoughts!

To all my readers, you know I do not "soapbox" often. I typically try to stay more on the light hearted side of life in my blog. If this has offended you and you are politely declining to be a part of my life any longer, I am sorry but I understand and accept your decision!!!!! If you accept me for who I am but don't share my same opinions, I respect that and won't judge you!!! I can agree to disagree!!!!

my rule

I only have 1 rule as a teacher, whether it was my own classroom or subbing....1 rule that I live by....

I will give you the same respect you give me.

The kids "get it" and usually, they are respectful and I rarely have problems.

I often feel like I have this rule in my day to day life. Whether, in my interactions with students, friends, strangers or family, it seems this rule follows me and I see it in my children (yikes!)

Yet, today as I was standing in the kitchen.... (really I don't know why I have other rooms in my house as I seem to rarely get out of the kitchen) I realized that my 1 rule in life has a major flaw.

I don't really want to disrespect people. It's just not typically in my nature. Yes, I do have times where I am mean or short tempered (shocking I know ;) or rude. But really, I don't want to be and always feel bad later.

So, with that being said.....I now have a new rule. Really, it isn't my rule. I didn't make it up, just changing the wording a little. It is the same rule I want my children to inherit, adopt and live by....daily!

I will give you the same respect I WANT you to give me!

Ouch....the wording is pretty similar between the "old" rule and the "new" one, yet the understanding and connotation so different.

It is easy to snap at those we love, trust and know will always be there. Yet, each time we do, the damage, although usually unnoticeable, is done.

So....peeps, please accept my apology for ever treating you poorly before. I know that I will have many other opportunities in my life to apologize, as I am only human and WILL most certainly falter....

But from this day forward, please know that my new years lifetime goal is to ....always treat you with the same respect I want you to treat me with.

Will everyone I know treat me with that respect all the time for the rest of my God given life? NO WAY!!!!!! But, I am vowing to diligently try to not let others disrespect cause me to be the same in return.

And a challenge, for all my avid readers....... Try it for a day.

They say you need to be the change you want to see in others..... so the challenge is yours....take it if you want....I won't be offended or disrespectful if you don't!!!!

But, please keep in mind, that I am pretty sarcastic and smart-assey by nature, with the intent of being funny and not disrespectful.....so please, if you think I am being disrespectful....call me out on it. If you know me at all, you know I will and do say I am sorry and mean it!!!!!!

Love ya all!!!!

A room

with a smell view!!

***Disclaimer.........joyfully, there are NO before pictures***

1 boy + 1 girl = marital bliss + 1 2 bedroom house = domestic bliss + 1 baby boy and a baby girl on the way = remodel and addition.

A couple years of trying to conceive a sibling for Little man and the only result we had conceived was the blueprints for a bigger house. With construction underway (by Mr. Producer himself) for a growing house, a growing belly was soon to be. The end result of this construction would be a Master Suite for the executive producer and his farmer girl wife. I use the term Master Suite loosely as our "little" love shack left no room for a bathroom to be added to this Master Suite no matter how we longed for one! What the master suite lacked in bathroom ability, it would make up for in love! This was to be our room, and our room only! The Little Man that crept into our bed at night would not be permitted to continue his nocturnal wanderings. HAHAHA! It would happen....when a screaming baby arrived on the scene :)

The room built in time to move in with plenty of room for my ever expanding belly and I couldn't have been happier. As time passed, we added an antique cradle to the bedroom...the 2nd clue, our room was not to be our own....for a VERY long time!!!!

The plans made for this cute pink bundle of joy to be moved to her own room very quickly, like night 4 after her birth. Oh, the plans you have before you become a parent!

Amazing girl taught us very quickly that she had her own mind right from the beginning. This would be the first of many battles we lost!

Many, many, many months later (like 9/10) Amazing girl decided that she no longer needed mommy's body as her personal pacifier and went (not without protest) to her own room.

And oh how we celebrated!!!! We were finally ready to have our own room.....kid free (because we may have thought we were done having children)........JUST OURS!!!

Did I mention, we celebrated?

Well, yes and within a couple very short months, the world noticed that we celebrated! The larger I grow (very quickly I might add) the more noticeable it became that we had enjoyed our brief couple of months of privacy!!!!

Resigning ourselves to the acceptance of twins, we began to wonder where we would place 2 sweet, breastfed all night long, squawking, squirming deliveries the stork would be bringing. Which room, Little Mans or Amazing girls would house the 2 creatures? Which room would best provide me the ability to feed them at night, with as much help as I could get? Which room would provide the farthest space away from other children to allow them to sleep through the night?

Well, there really was only one solution.....OURS!

The cradle, much to small for twins, that had just recently been removed was now replaced by a full size crib! OH MY!!!!! We really are having twins, and yes, they really will be living in our house!

So begins the very quick downhill slide of us losing our HAVEN!

Little Momma and The Baby resided in our room for about 6 months, then they were given the boot!

Yet, somehow they never really left and instead were joined by the other 2.

Saturday morning snuggle, tickle and giggle times (yes, people, I am talking about with the kids) were enjoyed and even welcomed. Sick children were placed in our bed, because well honestly, its easier and mommy is lazy :) Nap time snuggles with various offspring were cherished moments. The new puppy would be safest in her crate in our room. Time outs were easier in our room, no toys to play with. TV time alone for Little Man would be rewarded in our room. Bugs getting into the Christmas decorations in the shed, no problem, store it in our room. The old 32" TV would certainly provide more comfortable viewing in our room. My exercise equipment (that gets used all the time...by the kids :) would best be stored in our room. Laundry folded or in the process of, would get thrown on our bed.

You get the idea, our room, became the storage area where we would, after clearing off the bed at night, fall into a dream filled sleep.

I share a 1100sq ft house with 5 other people, a dog and a cat.....I began to LOOOOONG for and NEED a room of my own. We fixed the lock on the door, determine to keep little people out, but they still managed to get in, sometimes being more of an interruption than a welcomed guest.

It would seem the more I longed for my own private retreat, the more they tried to get in. I once again caved and had an open door policy....everything else lived in there, why shouldn't the kids come and go as they pleased too?!

As any of my close friends, that I actually allowed into the inner sanctum of disgust can attest to, our bedroom was in serious need of a make-over!!!!

Mr. Producer has listened to me whine, cry, plead, yell, threaten ask for a while that we please make them go away take our room back!!!!

One day a couple weeks ago, he informs me that he has an anniversary surprise for me that requires me to be out of the house....alone....ALL DAY!!!!! Wooohoooo!!!! I don't even care what the surprise is when he informs me that he wants me to have a manicure, pedicure, lunch and shopping with my friends!!!

As the day in question got closer, little pieces of my surprise were revealed....he wanted my input on a new comforter set (to replace the one that had been "colored" on with permanent marker by "not me") and he might have let it slip that he was putting in new carpet (to replace what the dog though of as her potty training pad) and oh ya, he is building something?! I am giddy, elated and curious at the thought of getting new sheets and carpet that doesn't carry the fragrance of urine and something my master woodworker is building. Again, I whine, cry, plead, threaten ask him to please let me in on the surprise! He does NOT cave! So, wait I must!

Boy oh boy, the wait was so worth it!!!!!!

Below are pictures of the product of my surprise....

We have a new policy, with a door that actually locks.....NO KIDS ALLOWED......Let me repeat this in case you missed it the 1st time around.......NO CHILDREN, KIDS, OFFSPRING, RUGRATS ALLOWED. Even our friends, after the initial inspection, will NOT BE ALLOWED!!! Sorry guys, I love you all, but this is finally my haven, my retreat, my resort room (minus the maid). Quite honestly, I may never come out (except for the bathroom)....yep, I may even have to kids pass me food under the door.

All I can say is this.....yes, Mr. producer designed and built the furniture (headboard, dresser and nightstands) himself! and Yes, IT IS PERFECT AND BLISSFUL AND HEAVENLY AND I AM IN LOVE!!!! (and I may or may not have burst into tears when I saw it)