Me, defined

For those who are real close, you know lately has been a time of ugh in our house. We have had late nights trying to figure out what is right for our family. We have had temper tantrums, by both kids and adults. We have had periods of self discovery. We have made mistakes. Some of us have even done things that have shocked some of you. To say that our house has had trying times lately has been an understatement. Yet, I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world. The last few months have taught me about, me.

You live with yourself, your thoughts...emotions...feelings for so long that I think most of us just go with the flow of who we are.

Until we have a moment...day...week...event that shakes us. Until you have a it-won't-happen-to-me-event.

Now, most of you thought that moment for me was Andrew. At the time, I am sure it was. However, this year has brought a couple of those events for me personally.

I have had many moments this year where I have done things I swore I never would. I have had relationships tested. Beliefs challenged. Ideal's changed. Growth occuring.

I started out this year so sure of who I was... a wife... a mother... a child of God... a friend... a daughter... grand daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt.

But, somewhere along the way this year, it felt like I was all those things and nothing!

Somewhere along the way, I began to feel like I had lost me. I became so busy doing for everybody else, that I did nothing for me. So lost in the routine of life, I began to operate on auto pilot. The jobs, demands of the day still getting done, but the heart and soul behind them was quiet.

I still loved my kids, family deeply. I still gave hugs & kisses as needed, when asked, without reason. I still helped, gladly, willingly anyone that needed it. But, there was a piece of me missing. My husband will vouch. So will some friends.

There was a part of me that was shorter fused. Easier to aggravate. Quicker to yell. (by the way, this is contagious and not good, lol :)

It felt like the more demands that were placed on me, the more I wanted to back away. The more questions asked, the more silent I wanted to be. The more people wanted me to go back to being me, the more I couldn't... at least on the inside.

Now some of you are wondering who in there right mind would publish this for the world to see. You are questioning my motives, my reason... no doubt, maybe rightly so!

Consider this my public apology. For those of you who were use to me making the 1st step, phone call...I am sorry that I have stopped doing that. For those of you who were use to occupying all my time when not with my family, it may feel I have deserted you. I am sorry. And I haven't.

These past few months have brought about some very new friends and some re-aquainting with some very beloved old friends. I couldn't be happier!

Now, on to the real sappy part (bleh, lol)-------- I love each and everyone of you. Family, friends!

I am checking back into my life. My heart and soul has finished its break.

However, if you are expecting your phone to start ringing daily, it probably won't. If you are expecting me to want to be with you all the time, I won't.

I regret nothing I have done lately. I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I have learned who I am...

I am still a wife... mother... daughter... friend... child of God... all those other things. I still relish some roles more than others.

But, I have learned I am so much more than the titles placed upon me.

I am strong. I am the girl who can be found listening to either country, christian, or pop music depending on the moment. I love to exercise. I have come to depend on making that a part of my day. I love to shop. I love to cook. I love to hang out with my friends. I love to be alone. I love to go out on a Saturday night and dance. I love to go to church on Sunday morning. I hate to do laundry but I realize it is in its own way a declaration of my love. I love my chickens, cat and yes, hamster. I long for a dog. I love my tattoo, if you aren't sure why then you haven't read this post. I love my nose piercing, no not because it makes me different, but because I think it is cute, fun, spunky, my husband loves it and you only live once. I love God! Not because it is the cool thing to do, but because He is the only one who loves me and accepts me totally. I am a huge fan of dressing up, kissing, my cool kids, cuddling, talking. I love my husband, he...me...us are so far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I am going to quit trying so hard, giving...planning...doing so much. I am going to let others have some control... some initiation... some say so! (for the record, this will be a work in progress, lol) I am finding that I think the human mind is way cool; the reasons we do things, consciously and subconsciously is very fascinating. I am the girl who misses teaching but is not ready to leave my kids to go back. I am the girl who wants to write a novel. I am the girl who is not creative but has a great imagination. I have always said that I do not need anyone in my life but want everyone that is in it, in whatever capacity they are in it --- I am that girl!

So, while there are some physical and behavioral changes that may have occurred in the last few months, I am still the same girl I use to be, only slightly more sure of myself, my believes, my love, my life!

Welcome to my world.......

Human

Many of my friends, including my single mom friends, have stated on numerous occasions that they honestly don't know how I do it. This statement usually follows a conversation about Mr. Producers job and the hours involved or something not so pleasant the kids have done...

My standard response is that I just do... That I have no choice... That the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle!

A couple friends have even said that I am more machine that human. This has never been said as a derogatory statement, but rather to indicate that I am seemingly tireless. That I can and usually do, do everything. That I rarely let things get to me.

I have even had 1 or 2 friends tell me that I could be a single mom. That Mr. Producers hours and traveling are long enough, that there are times where I am. I have been known to agree with this statement more than once.

Well, let me set the record straight tonight.... I AM HUMAN!!!!

The extended weekends that Mr. Producer is out of town, I lovingly refer to as flying solo. I usually look forward to my own time with the kids. The chance to keep the TV off in the evening, to go to bed when I want to, to eat the foods/meals he doesn't like. In fact, when he is home for extended periods of time, we have both been known to look at each other and jokingly ask when he is leaving again.

When Mr. Producer is in town, it is not uncommon for us to talk via text or phone a dozen or so times a day! Of course, we have the evenings or nights together too. Whether we are talking or watching TV or doing our own separate thing, we are still together, in the same house, neighborhood, city, state, country. When he is out of town, even across the country, we still talk via text or phone calls, extensively. There are times where we are on the phone for an hour or more at night, sometimes talking, other times just watching a TV show together.

When we found out he would be traveling out of the country we immediately inquired of our cell phone carrier if his phone would work overseas, how much it would cost per minute to talk, how much texts were. With our new found knowledge and his new global rental phone, we thought we were prepared for his departure. We decided ahead of time that due to prices we would only talk via text and that 1 day midweek he would call and we would all be able to say hi and hear each others voices.

I thought I was okay with this. I thought I would relish a whole week alone. I had dinner menu's planned, food I knew he would never eat. I have a couple girls nights planned. I couldn't wait to NOT listen to the blasted TV nightly.

That is, until the text came in today (via a coworker) that his phone was not working... AT ALL!!!!!

In that instance I became aware of exactly how I "do it". That 1 little text, so full of a weeks worth of silence, I realized what I have that a single mom doesn't. In those 3 lines, I knew how lucky I was.

I "do it" because I have the love of my best friend. I have a man who for better or worse, loves me. He is there for me. He knows me, in ways that no one else does. He shares my memories. He loves our children. Even when he is out of town, we still talk, he is still there. Even when we are mad at each other and choosing not to talk, we are still there for each other. I know that at any moment I can call him. I know that even if I am being annoying and bothersome, it's okay. I know that if there is an emergency, a car accident, a trip to the ER, a sad sorry to tell about school, he is there!

When in the flash of an eye I thought he wouldn't be there....I knew then, maybe more so than I realized in a long time (because we can all admit to times of taking each other for granted) how much I loved my Mr. Producer. How much I depend on him to be my sounding board. To listen when I need to vent. To hug me when I need to cry. To make me laugh when I am overwhelmed. To call me on it when I am being crazy. To set me straight when I am worrying or being overbearing. To just read the text that says I love you for no reason at all.

I do it all with God's help, I will give my Lord that credit. I do it because I ask God for and he grants me daily, patience... understanding... love... stamina... energy... strength

I also do it because He gave me a best friend... He gave me another person to share it all with... He gave me someone who even though he may not always be here in flesh, he is always here!!!!

I "do it" because I am a very lucky girl......

p.s. Mr. Producer did get his phone fixed. We won't text much or talk often because of the cost, but at least I know he is there :)

Here's what Mr. Producer is missing

Yes, I did keep a running tally for the day... Well, because I am just neurotic like that, lol! There is still an hour before the kids go to bed, so anything can happen....

Diaper changes: 2
Boo-boo's: 4
Potty Accidents:3
Spills: 6
Spankings: 3
2yr old trips to potty: 18
Temper tantrums: 14
Hugs: 13
Kisses: 20
Loads of laundry: 2
Dora/Diego/Calliou episodes watched: 5
Floor swept: 2
Dishes washed: 3
Corn dogs eaten: 4
Garbage bag breaking: 1
***I interrupt this blog to go administer 2 more spankings and 1 more kiss***
Times I've heard "my tummies hurt": 15
Drinks poured: 21
Trips to the bank: 1
Trip to dance: 1
Puzzles done: 8
Work-out: 1
"bad" words discussed:1
Baths given: 3
Hearing "I want daddy".........I lost count!
You have also missed a phone call to my mom to hear that she has the swine flu and my dad now has pneumonia!
After the kids go to bed, you will miss me doing the checkbook, paying the bills, making a grocery list, working on coupons.

Wow: I am exhausted just from writing it all :) Come home soon!!!
We love you and miss you honey!!!!

Confidential to Mr. Producer

Rarely am I melancholy when I watch you pack to leave. Seldom am I sad, lonely. Occasionally, I even look forward to your trips. That may sound harsh and uncaring to some, but for our schedule, the frequency of your trips, this is a fact of our lives.

Tonight as I watch you, I am struck by how much I love you! You are making a list of last minute items to pack, folding laundry, picking out your clothes, dusting off your sport coat, snuggling with the kids, and I am amazed at how lucky we are!

I don't know if it is where you are going, the length of how long you will be gone, the time of year you are going or the lack of communication we will have but I miss you already! I am sad that you are going and can't wait for you to come home!

I know that things have been, crazy...different around here for us the last little while. I know that I wouldn't hold you back from this or any other opportunity that life hands you. I know that I only want you to be happy in life! And while I dont' know what the future holds, what exotic locales you will visit, what opportunities will come your way, what more blessings life will give us... I do know with total certainty that I LOVE YOU!!!!

Please stay safe, know that you are missed, enjoy every moment of this trip, this chance, take lots of pictures, remember every detail and come home soon.....

We love you forever.......

One life to love

What a poignant song. This couldn't speak any louder in volume to the life Mr. Producer and I are currently living.

When you travel for a living as Mr. Producer does, before you know it there are hours, days, weeks that you have missed from life. Time spent on an airplane, overseas, on location, waiting for a shoot. Those minutes and hours are the nemesis to family time.

In the moments when the noise, the crying, bickering, whining get to be too much; when the sound of "MOMMY" gets deafening, when kissing the boo-boo's gets overwhelming, I would be lying if I said that I don't entertain the thought of fleeing to a hotel room!

There are times when I envy Mr. Producer the chance at a quiet meal. An uninterrupted shower. An opportunity to sit in a silent hotel room and sleep...read....breath! There are times I want to feel young again! That is not to say that I feel old necessarily, but rather, very very responsible. I suppose that comes with the territory of having 4 kids!

Sometimes, in the day to day life of raising kids, playing taxi, helping with homework, cooking dinners, etc. we can overlook...forget...lose sight of just how blessed we actually are. Sometimes, in the day to day life of driving to work, traveling, working, answering to someone else, we can look past...assume...take for granted...the blessings we are given.

Sometimes, you hear a song, read a poem, see a bible verse, stumble across a saying that takes your breath away.

You only get just one chance around....one chance to find out the one thing that you don't want to miss...one life to love....

We all have days where we think we are invincible, not pausing to respect that we won't live forever. We all have moments we could take back, times we missed, chances we want to do again. We all have days where the life we have is easy to forget that it is a life we should love!

Knowing that everyone the world over has these same days is usually of little consolation. Instead they usually make me feel worse. Mostly I would like for everyone to be constantly happy, in love, joyful for what they have.

I am a realist enough to know that this is not possible. I know there are good days and bad. Happy moments and sad. Joy and frustration...

It is impossible to spend every moment with the ones you love. There is always work to be done, school to attend, practices to go to, errands that need ran.

What matters most in this once chance around is that you do spend your one life to love! The moments you are together...be together. The moments you have to love...love. Enjoy your one ride, your one try, one life to love...

Ex's

We all have them. The degree to which they were a part of your life may vary, but even as early as second grade, there are boyfriends and girlfriends now...OH MY!!!!

What do you do when you run into...hear from an ex?

For some of us, an ex might be a time in our lives we would much rather forget exists. For others, an ex is now a reassurance that life is good. While for others, an ex just might happen to be a good friend.

I can honestly state that I am not currently friends with any of my ex's.
This was not a conscience decision. I have no problems with people, myself, or husband being friends with an ex. I guess I just figured out that I really didn't like them enough to want them in my life in any capacity!

With that being said however, I am grateful for all of my ex's, whatever their involvement in my life at the time. I am equally happy they are not in my life now. Although, I will admit to there being times I want to let them in briefly so they can see how far I have come. And, really, who wouldn't want to show off their family if it were as wonderful and cute as mine :)

A few months back, I had an ex, one I happened to be very involved with contact me through facebook. I debated on whether or not to respond. Our break-up was not exactly amicable and polite. But, 14 years have passed and really, I don't even remember what is was like to live with that man. Mr. Producer and I talked about it, briefly. Again, really, wouldn't I want this person to see how wonderful my life has turned out? Anyway, I opted to NOT respond to this person's email and 2 friend requests. Really, friends? Even on fb that is never going to happen...lol!

I chose not to respond, in spite of my immaturity to show off my kids, my life. I simply chose not to respond, because I didn't want any ensuing drama. I didn't want to give the impression that somehow maybe I still cared?! I didn't want to be involved in his life. PERIOD!

Thankfully, the anonimity of facebook allowed me to quietly hit reject friend request, delete email...end of story.

Last night, while out to dinner with Mr. Producer and friends, I saw another ex. While he saw me too, we did not speak. I can not saw whether we may have had I not been with other company, but I can say that out of respect for my husband, there really was no choice in not talking. I was and am okay with that. I could tell by looking at him how life has been treating him.

I wish no ill will on these men that use to be a part of my life. I would grieve if something happened to them. I have and will continue to pray that God grants them happiness and peace in life.

While seeing or hearing from them may have opened the floodgates of memories, both good and bad, it also reminded me that I am grateful for all the people that God brings into my life.

Some people look at past relationships as failed attempts to find happiness, I embrace these relationships as an opportunity to learn more about myself, life and love. The friend, wife, lover I am today has been shaped by the effects of these relationships on my life.

So, while I thank God daily for all the people in my life, both past and present, I thank Him even more for choosing the one that he did for me to wake up to each morning!

Writing

I remember back in middle school, sitting next to my BFF and writing letters, notes, poems... back and forth, together. With all the tender innocence of 13 year old girls in love and/or heartbroken, we used writing as a way to express our feeling.

While I am sure those sweet words would make me laugh today, at the time, they were very serious.

When I was a teenage, my mom and I would write notes to each other. Some would be as simple as me asking to do something. Others more serious in the form of an apology. Some letters were sweet thanks you's for something that had been done and yet others were honest, maybe too much so, and filled with all the problems and dilemma's of teenage angst.

In school, I reveled in the joy of writing papers, poems, essay's. The words, when written from my heart or on a subject I knew, flowed from my fingers, mind. Sometimes, I could not type fast enough to keep up with the thoughts in my brain.

As a young adult, I broke up via a letter to a boyfriend/roommate. Sweetly, I proclaimed my love and asked for his in return via a letter to what would become my future husband. Even while attending college full-time and working full-time, I still found time to write letters to my husband.

It was no surprise then that when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately began a journal for the baby. Determined was I to capture my feelings on every moment related to the growing miracle of life inside me. And when that miracle was born too early, when that miracle went home to be with our Father, well, I wrote about that too. Writing was the one place I felt I could try to make sense of the beauty and pain in my life.

For many years after that, I got busy having more children, raising them, teaching, being a wife and barely managing time to breath. Writing, along with many other things in life, got put on hold!

For some people, their very breath depends on making tv shows, helping others, music, exercise, sleep. While I will admit that I have a definite addiction to music, sleeping and exercise, I can not live without writing. For me, writing is cathartic. My safe haven to be myself. My outlet to say the things I can't in person, to express the things I may keep inside. It is also where I share the funny things in my life. The pictures that make up my world. The joy that God has blessed me with.

I guess it is no surprise then that I stumbled across blogging and immediately felt like I was home! Someone asked me once, why do I blog? Why do I want to share my life with the world? Quite honestly, it never occured to me that I was sharing it with the world. Rather, for me blogging is what I do for me. Just like exercising and sleeping, I do this for me and me alone.

Writing is where I make sense of life's difficulties. I write down and "forget" my problems, worries, complaints. Whether anyone reads them or not, is of little consequence to me. Many times, I write down either electronically or on paper, things that are on my mind and then immediately, delete or throw those thoughts away. Not wanting to save them for another day, they are "forgotten".

I have taken some grief over the past couple years about things I have written. Some posts have caused people to become concerned about me. Others have encited anger, compassion, love. I relish that my simple words envoke some, any, type of emotion in people. I am amazed, honestly...truly...amazed, that there are so many people who take time out of their busy day to read the things I have to say....

With that being said....writing is who I am....just like being a mother, wife, friend, daughter, being a writer, even if only for myself, is part of who I am...

So when you wonder why I blog, why I put it out there for the world, it really is as simple as saying, because I can not, not do it! I blog for me, because I have to write. I post because I enjoy your responses, because I enjoy letting you into this chaos we refer to as fun. The fact that any of you take the time to read these posts, respond to them, laugh or cry with me, is just the sprinkles on the icing on the cake!

I hope you all enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy writing it! Thanks

It means...

When I say I hate doing laundry....it means I have lots of little bodies to dress.

When I say I have to load, unload the dishwasher...it means I have 4 wonderful little people to care for.

When I moan about going to the grocery store...it means I am delighted to have a family to cook for.

When I gripe about cooking dinner again...it means I have food.

When I whine about the weather...it means I am alive.

When I cry about a car accident...it means I am blessed enough to be able to see to drive.

When I complain about the noise...it means I am thankful I can hear.

When I bitch about Mr. Producer...it means I am lucky in love.

When I go to bed late and I am tired...it means I had time to blog.

When I make time for myself...it means that I need to regroup for them.

When I am happy, mad, sad, excited....it means I care enough to feel.

When I look at my wonderful friends and family...it means I am loved.....

Happy Birthday Adam

Where to start little man?

You aren't so little anymore. It seems daily, hourly you are growing and changing.There are so many dreams and hopes I have for you as you grow. Some are the same prayers echoed by parents the world over. I pray you stay healthy, happy. I pray you stay innocent, loving.
This year has brought many changes, some rough times and some wonderful memories.I loved all the time we spent together going to Indiana, Georgia, Jacksonville, Disney World. This year seems to have been the year of traveling. With every new destination, it seemed another side of you developed. Jacksonville and Indiana found you working with daddy. Being his ever present shadow and helper. While Georgia and Disney World reminded you, us that you really are still a kid.
I know that there is a lot asked of you, the oldest of the group. Sometimes fairly, other times, not so much. I want you to know doodlebug, that I try hard to not ask you to raise your brother & sisters. I make a conscience effort to only enlist your help when it is an absolute necessity.
I know that right now, you are not old enough to appreciate the request for help means so much more than asking you to tie your brothers shoes. Someday, you will realize that simple requests for help carry with them my trust in you... my appreciation for the young man you are... my confidence in your ability to complete a task without supervision... my desire to strengthen your fatherly, compassionate side... my need to make sure you have the strongest bond possible with your siblings... my love for you in allowing you to be my shadow...helper...friend.
Buddy, I joke that you are just like me. The truth is, you are the most mixed of your daddy and I. You have my knack for perfection and his seriousness. You have my love for God and his love for science. You have my love of farming, growing and his love of making things. You have my love of the computer, music, writing and his love of goofiness, relaxing, fishing.I have no crystal ball as to what the future holds for you. I do not know where we will live in 10 years. Whether you will join the service, go to college, learn a trade. It remains to be seen whether you will ever marry, have kids, be wealthy.
I can only be certain you future holds a few key things. I promise to continue to instill in you a love for God, first and foremost. I promise to continue to always love you, unconditionally. I promise to seek your forgiveness when I have done something wrong. I promise to continue to teach you...right from wrong...good from bad...math...english...how to grow a garden...how to say i love you...how to cook...I promise to always support you in life's decisions. I promise to always be here...day...night...at 8...18...38...I am always here! I promise to always love, accept, cherish and be thankful for you!Happy belated birthday little man....I love you!!!!